Tittle: More… Than Just Friends?
Author: foreverkeena101

Review

Title: [3/5]

To be completely honest, I didn’t like the way you phrased your sentence. It just felt like the three full stops there were redundant. I know that you were trying to create some kind of an effect as a title but to me, it was normal. It looked as average as “More Than Just Friends?”

Description/Foreword: [7/10]

Wooo! Somehow, I enjoyed your description/foreword. It was short but sweet and entertaining. I wonder what would happen between Jonghyun and Jessica after he got SeKyung as a girlfriend. I’m especially interested in that and I finally understood your title. The description/foreword definitely cleared up my thoughts on the title of your story.

At first, I thought the story was going to be about Jonghyun and Jessica being more than just friends in the story but I guess, I was wrong.

However, I have to point out one mistake in this chapter.

What's going to happen though when Jonghyun finally gets a girlfriend, Shin Sekyung?

There needs to be a comma before and after though. It simply means “On the other hand” in the sentence’s context.
Correct: What’s going to happen, though, when Jonghyun finally gets a girlfriend, Shin Sekyung?

Plot: [5/10]

It was really average and like you had mentioned, it was quite cliché and I had to agree that it was really cliché. However, your cliché story was slightly different. I liked the different elements that you had placed inside. I liked how you made ChoonHe siblings with Key. I liked how you had JunHyung to be the obstacle between Jonghyun and ChoonHe. It was okay. Interesting at some points but there were times where it was quite boring. I thought you could have done so much more about ChoonHe and Jonghyun. I mean, they’re bestfriends so I thought a little more interactions between the both of them as bestfriends should be there.

Other than that, I thought it was okay. :)

Flow: [4/5]

It was comfortable. You didn’t rushed anything except for JunHyung’s feelings towards ChoonHe but I guess that’s what you call ‘Love at First Sight’ or something like that. It was really okay. I liked the flow, especially the part where you took your time to make Jonghyun realize that he actually liked ChoonHe.

Writing style: [3/5]

Kudos for the paragraphing that you had! You actually had decent paragraphing and I love fictions that are neat! So yeah!

Other than that, I wasn’t really digging the way you were writing. There was too much info in a sentence sometimes and it was making me dizzy. You also tend to write in an informal way sometimes and it ticked me off.

For example, "We're here guys!" I heard Onew yelling loudly. Where are we exactly? Well, do you remember that raffle at the mall and how we supposedly won the grand prize? Well it's been a week already and it's CHRISTMAS! Ohh how I've been waiting for this moment. I bought Jonghyun this present that I'm positive he'll like. Ahhhh Jonghyun~ OMO OMO! I should really stop now. Thinking about him will just make things worse.

You see how crammed it looked? To me, it looked like a bunch of sardines in a can. It’s messy and you don’t want to turn a reader off in such a way. You were doing great with you paragraphing but sometimes, you did this and it kind of ticked me off.

Usually, it’s better for one to start the next sentence in a new paragraph if you had ended with a dialogue. Besides that, try not to capitalize the words random in the sentence. It kind of turned me off because I felt like a bimbo was writing the story. I’m sorry about that.

Another thing is that you should break the sentences up. It does create an effect if you know how to place your words well. Playing with your words could actually create many effects ranging from sadness to curiosity and many more.

Correct: “We’re here guys!” I heard Onew yelling loudly.

Where were we exactly? Well, do you remember that raffle at the mall and how we had supposedly won the grand prize? Well, it had been a week and it was already Christmas! Oh how I had been waiting for this moment!

I bought Jonghyun this present and I’m positive that he would like it.

Ah, Jonghyun…

Omo! Omo! I should really stop now! Thinking about him would only make things worse.

See how I paragraphed it? Plus, it you noticed, the vibe wasn’t removed. By playing with your words and the way you place them, you could actually create the mood for the readers. If you still have any enquiries about this, please don’t hesitate to drop me a PM, alright? I’ll be more than happy to help you out. :D

Originality: [3/5]

Not so original actually because your plots are rather predictable and there are other stories that are like yours. However, I have to give some marks to you for having Key inside. I thought his presence in the story was really amazing. It lifted your story to a whole new level.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [20/30]

It wasn’t anything too major. It was more of an all rounded kind of mistakes. You didn’t actually have any major problem with any categories at all. It was minor mistakes here and there.

(Chapter 1)

She's even more terrifying than my 7th grade English teacher, and he was pretty vicious too. Just thinking about it gives me the chills.

The problem here was grammar. You need to have a consistent use of tense. Don’t switch between past and present. You can only do so under certain circumstances but usually, you just stick to one.
Correct: She was even more terrifying than my 7^th grade English teacher and he was pretty vicious too. Just thinking about it gave me the chills.

(Chapter 3)

Usually, I'd love hearing his mesmorising voice play over and over in my head. But this time, I felt as if I had been shot by a gun repeatedly.

‘Mesmorising’ was spelt wrongly. It should be ‘mesmerising’ . Secondly, you try not to start a sentence with ‘but’. It’s wrong because ‘but’ is like a connector to connect a reason to a sentence.
Correct: Usually, I’d love hearing his mesmerizing voice playing over and over in my head but this time, I left as if I had been shot by a gun repeatedly.

I felt as if darkness had taken over every part of my mind.....
my soul.....
my everything...

Your punctuation here was wrong. When you start a sentence after a full stop, you have to start with a capital letter no matter what and try not to use a lot of full stops. Three would be sufficient to convey the sadness of the context to your readers.
Correct: I felt as if darkness had taken over every part of my mind…
My soul…
My everything…

(Chapter 9)

I shook my head. He is soo unbelievable.

The problem here is your grammar. Try to be consistent in the type of tense that you use in your sentence. You started with past tense and then in the next sentence, you had present tense inside.
Correct: I shook my head. He was so unbelievable.

(Chapter 13)

The two of us stood there arms around each other, the girl I love crying in my arms. It pained me to see her like this. The stupid couple went off on their own, forgetting about our existance and having fun by themselves. Why in the world would they bring us with them if they were to ditch us anyways?

It’s ‘existence’ and not ‘existance’. The paragraph could actually be broken down into smaller sections to make it neater. I would suggest that you try to have a paragraph that has the same subject and then the sentences with a different subject to be in the next paragraph. Like for example, you had tow topics in the paragraph. One is about ChoonHe and the other is about Jonghyun and SeKyung. So you can actually separate those two into two different paragraphs.
Correct: The two of us stood there, our arms around each other. The girl I love was crying in my arms. It pained me to see her like this.

The stupid couple had gone off on their own, forgetting about our existence and having fun by themselves. Why in the world would they bring us with them if they were going to ditch us anyway?

(Chapter 24)

WTF WAS THAT? Did you guys see that? She just ran away from me. And, and, and NOW she's avoiding me like I'm some kind of-
some kind of DISEASE! 

Try not to use short forms. It’s just a major turn off. Just type everything out. The next thing I want to point out is your punctuation and ‘and’. You don’t start a sentence with ‘and’. It’s used to connect two sentences together and once again, grammar.
Correct: What the was that? Did you guys saw that? She just ran away from me and now, she was avoiding me like I was some kind of… Some kind of a disease!

Characterization/Details: [17/25]

Good job on the characterization of the characters. I simply adored how you made everyone’s role in the story clear. I had fun reading about each and every one of them. They were unique and their character simply spoke out to me, especially Key’s. He was really in character!
However, I thought that you could have done more regarding the details around, especially the part where they were at the ski resort. You could have described the background more, you know. It felt kind of empty, almost like a picture with a subject but no background.

Overall enjoyment: [3/5]

It was okay. It wasn’t really that interesting to actually keep me going but it had the material to kind of brainwash me to continue with the next chapter. I think that was because I was interested to know what would happen between ChoonHe and Jonghyun. It was average but I enjoyed it very much.

Total score: 62/100

General comments: Like I said, it was average but you had your own way to actually keep the readers reading so I thought that was genius. The only thing I thought that you lack was a little originality and creativity. I’m not saying that you should totally be original and think of an idea that no one had thought of before. I’m just saying that you can make an unoriginal idea original by adding in more of your own flair.
Hwaiting!

Ps. You forgot the "McChicken Steak" but I decided to close one eye and just review it. Please do read the rules next time aite! :)