Title: [2/5]

To be honest, it was okay. There wasn’t anything fancy or interesting when I first looked at it. Don’t get too offended, okay? I don’t really pay much attention to the tittle unless it really catches my eye and yours… Didn’t.


Description/Foreword: [4/10]

I was disappointed that you gave away practically the whole story, including the ending, in the description. It was too much and I’m someone who generally likes to wonder what will happen next after reading a description.

I think the only thing that I really loved about the whole part was the fact that Taemin was going to be a drug addict and that was what got me interested to press that ‘Next’ button at the bottom of the page. So basically, Taemin, the drug lord, pretty much helped you raised this score up :)


Plot: [2/5]

There wasn’t anything outstanding in any part of the story. It was predictable and some of the chapters just made me go ’meh’ because I found them rather weird.

You need to do more research regarding cancer, my dear. I think you did because I did some research and found out the facts do match the ones that you had. However, I have one question. Taemin’s surgery was a success, right? Thus, I was wondering, why did he die after that when his surgery was a success? Hm, maybe I missed something. My apologies if my facts were wrong. I shall do an in-depth reading of lung cancer.


Flow: [3/10]

I’m sorry but the flow was just to fast. Everything was rushed. One moment, Taemin was a drug addict and next he wasn’t. It isn’t easy for a drug addict to suddenly become sober because of a girl that he had just met. It takes time for someone to actually recover from drugs and they suffer from painful side effects and very cruel temptations to continue taking the drugs. They don’t just sober up in one night because of a girl that he had just met.

Oh and one more. They just met and a week later, Taemin was professing his undying love for her and she accepted it, just like that. I find it rather… Unbelievable. There was no growth in their relationship. It felt like watching Plankton holding up the secret recipe of the Krabby Patty and no one knew how he got it. He just got it because he did and no one knew how he actually got it. Get what I mean?

It would have been nicer if you had slowly developed their feelings. Maybe make them go on a couple of dates. Maybe have Taemin go berserk because he had this really agonizing withdrawal pain in a chapter and he starts screaming and crying for his Pikachu plush toy. Having a little Min Ho action in the story wouldn’t hurt too, actually, but I shouldn’t bombard you with a lot of ideas. Heh XD


Writing style: [3/5]

I don’t dig the way you write. Everything was centralized and it was pretty much a pain to the eye when I read everything. It was hard finding the start of the sentence of the next line (I know, I big time).

Though, I did like the fact that you didn’t cram everything into a paragraph. There was some decent effort to actually make it look neat and professional. I love how you did the diary entries. It was neat. :)


Originality: [5/10]

I have to give you a little credit for this. I have yet to come across a story that had Taemin as a drug lord, even though nothing much was portrayed about him being the drug lord, and I liked how you made him have lung cancer. I liked how you had made the OC’s mom to be the US President’s wife. So was it original? Well, sort of.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [15/30]

There were tons of mistakes. They were everywhere and they were making me dizzy. Especially the first chapter but I do understand that English is not your first language so I had tried my best to be very lenient with the marks.

The punctuation was not used properly. There were some spelling errors and some misused words being implied here and there. Last but not least, the grammar was quite bad. There wasn’t a consistent use of tenses. You tend to skip around.

(Chapter 1)

You remembered when your father, Ho Dong threw a wood chair behind the back of your mother, Min Hee.

You missed a comma and it’s a ‘wooden’ chair and not a wood chair. Plus, you throw a chair at someone’s back and not behind the back of someone. It sounds like they threw it behind the victim and it didn’t hurt the victim.
Correct: You remembered when your father, Ho Dong, threw a wooden chair at your mother’s back, Min Hee.

Then your father wouldn't just throw chairs at your mother, he even threw a vase at her and made your father bleed.

I find the ‘Then’ at the start of the sentence rather redundant. You can scrap that and just start without it and ‘wouldn’t’ should be replaced with ‘didn’t’. Another thing, there was a typo error. The mother would bleed, not the father. There were some grammar mistakes too.
Correct: Your father didn’t just throw chairs at your mother, he even threw a vase at her and made your mother bled.
 

(Chapter 4)
 

"I was shaking. I was afraid Tae Min would walk away and tell either Min Ho or anybody about the sin that I have comitted. He just stared at me, both worried and scared or maybe, even mad. He just looked at me. . .

Please remove the open inverted commas at the front since it wasn’t a speech and I think that you could better rephrase the part where Taemin looked at the OC with mixed emotions. Committed was misspelled and besides that, there was a small tense error.
Correct: I was shaking. I was afraid that Tae Min would walk away and tell Min Ho or anybody about the sin that I had committed. He just stared at me with a look that had a mixture of worry and maybe, anger in them. He just looked at me.

"Oh, " that was all I can say. Thinking about words to say, I looked at him and we giggled at each other looking down and he let go of my cheeks tenderly. "But anyway, I'm glad you're different now. Promise me , you're not taking drugs anymore?"

Tenses were wrong here. Sentence structure was a little off especially for ‘Thinking about words to say, I looked at him and we giggled at each other looking down and he let go of my cheeks tenderly’. You could actually break the sentence up into smaller sentences so that it won’t sound so messy when the readers read it.
Correct: “Oh,” was all that I could say. I looked at him, thinking about what to say, and we giggled at each other. I looked down as he let go of my cheeks tenderly, “But anyway, I’m glad that you’re different now. Promise that you’ll never take drugs anymore?”
 

(Chapter 5)

His face was confused, wondering why you were outside with all your loggage. "Seung Hee, what are you doing out here?" 

You meant to say that he was confused. You can’t say that his face was confused because confusion is an emotion and faces can’t have an emotion. How do I explain this? For example, it sounds weird if I were to say ‘his face was happy’, right? Instead, it should be ‘he was happy’ because the person is experiencing the emotion itself and not the face.
Oh and you spelt ‘loggage’ wronly. It’s luggage :)
Correct: He was confused, wondering why you were outside with all your luggage, “Seung Hee, what are you doing out here?”

After a moment, you walked home with him and you were shocked when the two of you encountered 5 drug addicts including Min Ho who was in the middle of them. Blocking your way. There wasn't any people there except the drug addicts, Min Ho, Tae Min and you.

There were missing commas to actually break the sentences up properly. Everything was crammed and it felt as if I was reading like a train with no pauses. Once more, tenses.
Correct: After a moment, you walked home with him and you were shocked when the two of you encountered 5 drug addicts, including Min Ho, who was in the middle of them, blocking your way. There weren’t any people there except for the drug addicts, Min Ho, Taemin and you.

There’s actually a lot more but I decided to only point out a few of them. One way to actually improve on this is to either get someone to beta this story for you or read more English stories that have almost flawless English. Trust me, it works because I used to at English so bad that I failed my English finals when I was fourteen but I started reading and slowly, I pulled myself up to a decent level of English. So please don’t give up on this okay!


Characterization/Details: [10/25]

As this was rushed, there wasn’t any vivid or clear description of the characters or how they were like, in terms of character or personality. It was all very simple and very, well, average. All I knew was that Taemin was a drug lord, Min Ho was a dude who took drugs and the OC was a poor girl that was thrown into a circle of people, who live, breathe and eat drugs. There wasn’t much growth instilled into the characters so it was rather disappointing.

Total score: 44/100

General comments: It was okay. To be honest, you lost me after the first chapter because everything was too rushed and most of the time, it was just the way you organized your story that made me lost interest. Though, I have to say, your story has a lot of potential. I’m not kidding. When you have drugs involved in a story, it’s actually easy to make the story it more fun and interesting to read because you can do lots of things with drugs. The possibilities of making good plots with drugs are endless and I’m sure that you’re able to think out of the box because you did think out the box when you decided to make Taemin have Lung Cancer. If you were able to think of that, I’m positive that you’re able to think of so much more crazy ideas to actually improve your story.

Don’t give up okay!