Hankyung wasn’t sure how it all started. All he remembered was how they became friends.

It was the beginning of the school year, and he was at his fifth basketball practice after making it in the team for the third year. The coach threw the basketball forcefully at him, catching Hankyung by surprise. He clutched the ball to his chest, attentive and fierce. He dribbled down the court, eyes focused on the net hanging above him. He smirked to himself, dodging one of his teammates before throwing it, just making it in. He smiled a victory smile, getting high fives from his whole team.

He heard the door open and found a boy in a basketball uniform running past him while putting on his sneakers. Hankyung never really paid attention to him. He had seen him around during the other practices, but he never made an effort to talk to him. That boy was just another person from his team, one grade lower to be exact. Hankyung shrugged it off and ran to the coach, who started giving them the next set.

After practice, Hankyung decided to stay in the gym to practice some more.

“Alright, I’ll see you later Kangin.” Hankyung laughed and took a basketball off the rack, starting to dribble it across the floor. He soon picked up his pace, breaking out into a full run before jumping and slamming it down into the net. He frowned to himself. His footwork was off, and no matter how good his teammates thought him to be, he always strived to improve. He paused and almost fell when he heard the squeaking of shoes against the floor. Hankyung turned to the doorway and was surprised to see that boy standing there, leaning against the doorway casually. He stopped and turned to him, not wanting to sound rude.
 

“Hello, do you need something?” Hankyung offered his best smile, in what he hoped was a nice one, and was relieved to get a dimpled smile back. The boy shook his head and looked up with an oddly innocent expression, despite his size and height.

“No, I was just watching you practice.” The boy thought over what he said and laughed to himself nervously, waving his hands in front of his face.

“I didn’t mean it that way, I just heard a lot about you before I joined the team. They say you’re incredible in basketball, and I wanted to improve my technique, if you don’t mind.” Hankyung bounced the ball against the floor, not knowing what to say. Yes, he knew he was one of the best, but he didn’t like to brag. He preferred to stay modest. Hankyung shrugged, starting to head towards the net again. The ball flew out of his hands, hitting against the rim and falling to the floor again. Hankyung furrowed his eyebrows together. His angle wasn’t correct, and he didn’t throw it properly.

“You should bend your elbow more and move it upwards.” Hankyung looked curiously at the boy who had spoken. The boy blushed and looked down.

“I’m sorry, continue.” The boy mumbled. Hankyung smiled and tossed the ball back and forth between his hands.

“No, it’s just that no one ever critiqued me before, besides the coach. And just a minute ago you were saying that I was good!” They shared a laugh, and that was when Hankyung really started to appreciate this person. When the boy looked up, Hankyung threw the ball at him, catching him by surprise.

“Do you want to play a few rounds? I have time to spare, if you’re not doing anything after school…” Hankyung offered. The boy grinned and started taking off his jacket.

“Sure. I’m Siwon by the way.” Hankyung nodded in politeness.

“I’m Hankyung.” Siwon chuckled and jogged over to him.
 

“I know. I’ve heard.” Hankyung smiled at him as Siwon started dribbling the basketball down the court. That was when the first spark of friendship appeared.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hankyung started realizing how much Siwon was improving during those two months of hard training. Siwon ran up to him after a game and grinned widely, wiping his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

“So what’d you think?” Hankyung nodded in appreciation and beamed automatically when seeing Siwon’s smile.

“You’re getting better.” Siwon playfully punched his arm a few times and laughed.
 

“I might even be better than you!” Siwon commented. Hankyung gasped sarcastically and waved the subject off dramatically with his hand.

“I don’t think so.” Siwon chuckled and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Hankyung widened his eyes in surprise, and smiled before he could stop himself. Siwon wasn’t really a touchy person, so he was surprised when he did that so casually.

“Unfortunately, the coach has been on my case so much these past few days. He says that I have to compete against you, and I swear he’s going to yell at me if I don’t win.” Siwon sighed, letting go. Hankyung suddenly realized that he liked his touch, and stayed close with him. He laid a hand on Siwon’s shoulder reassuringly, making his stomach do a weird flip.

“Don’t worry, that means coach has faith in you. If he ignores you, then you have a problem.” They shared another laugh, Siwon nonchalantly shrugging his hand off. Hankyung’s laugh became strained, and he tried not to think too much about it. That could have just been an accident. Siwon probably didn’t even notice, so why did Hankyung care so much? He felt slightly hurt and he didn’t know why, but when he heard that laugh, it made his stomach do another weird flip.

“Thanks hyung.” And when he smiled, Hankyung realized that he liked it, maybe a little too much. That was when he realized that during those two months, he may have fallen for the boy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hankyung didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all. If the school knew about this, his reputation as the basketball star would go plummeting down. And each day just got worse and worse. He liked it when Siwon’s dimples showed, and he wanted Siwon to hug and touch him just a little more. This disgusted him. A boy wasn’t supposed to like another boy, especially a religious one!

He was getting dragged into his charm, every time Siwon blushed, every time Siwon made those hilarious expressions, every time he smiled, even when he was caught talking with his hands. It was wrong. It was disgusting. But Hankyung didn’t want to stop. He couldn’t stop. He knew he was falling, falling hard, and he knew all of Siwon’s little touches were just friendly gestures. But it didn’t hurt to hope, and it didn’t hurt to pretend that those touches were something more, so much more.

What he loved especially were those times when he had Siwon to himself. It was those times when Hankyung was in pure denial. He couldn’t like him. He didn’t want to like him. Yet, he couldn’t help but like him. Was it because of the age difference? He knew he had other friends his age, and he should be lucky that Siwon would be with him. Or maybe how he knew about the many girls who fawned over him? Compared to them, Hankyung would have no chance.

He was losing sleep because of this, but it was worth it if he got to see Siwon the next day. Hankyung would stay up all night with him if he could, but he just smiled and suffered through the night, knowing that he would have a moment in the next day where he could get Siwon to himself. Before he could stop himself, a question slipped out of his mouth.

“You know, you don’t have to hang out with me. I know you have many friends in your own grade.” Hankyung mumbled to himself. All of a sudden, Siwon slung an arm around him and pulled him close, closer than usual.

“You know you’re my best friend right?” Hankyung was startled with his sudden serious expression and nodded quickly. Siwon sighed and loosened his grip a little, smiling.

“And you know that you’re important to me, right?” Hankyung stared at him, and could see nothing but pure honesty. His heart twisted and he didn’t like it. Not one bit. A small smile stretched on his face as he slowly nodded, turning away.

“Then don’t question it.” Hankyung blushed as Siwon dove into a brand new conversation. All throughout that day, he couldn’t get that sentence out of his head as he fought with himself to organize his twisted feelings.

It was stupid to believe that Siwon meant something more. He told himself to not get his hopes up, and he reassured himself that he was important to Siwon; Siwon said so himself. But with every hope came with a downfall. There was always a chance that Siwon would get tired of him. There was always a chance where Siwon would get into a relationship. Hankyung knew that those girls in his grade would die to be with him. He mused to himself how lucky he really was, being Siwon’s best friend.

He was aware of how easily he would lose Siwon.

Hankyung just didn’t expect it to be so fast. And he didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He met Heechul when he started taking singing classes to improve his singing. It was after singing a solo song to show the teacher when he met Heechul. Hankyung leaned against the wall and smiled to himself in accomplishment, taking a drink from his water bottle.

“You sing well.” He jumped from the sudden voice and turned around to see a skinny man standing next to him with his arms crossed. He chuckled a little, putting the water bottle away.

“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.” Hankyung mentioned, remembering the other man’s solo. The man shrugged and walked closer to him, smiling.

“I’m Heechul.” Hankyung smiled back and nodded.

“I’m Hankyung.”

That was how their strong friendship started.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hankyung started spending more time with Heechul along with Siwon, but he never brought them both together. He wondered if Siwon would get annoyed with Heechul’s arrogant personality. And he didn’t even know if they knew each other, so when basketball practice started that day, he decided to ask him.

“Do you happen to know Heechul?” Hankyung asked, not expecting Siwon to know a senior. Siwon stood up after getting something out of his bag and nodded.

“Oh, yes I know Heechul. We’re pretty good friends.” Hankyung was surprised when he heard that.

“You know him too?” Siwon asked casually. Hankyung nodded slowly.

“Where’d you meet him? He asked curiously. Siwon pondered for a moment before answering.

“Acting class.” Hankyung felt a twinge of jealousy, but willed himself not to act unreasonably. He was still Siwon’s best friend, he could accept that.

“But I’m still better, right?” Hankyung said jokingly with a smile. Siwon laughed and pulled him in a one armed hug. He didn’t like how he felt his heart twist.

“Of course, you’re still my best friend.” Hankyung half-smiled, wishing that he meant more to Siwon than just a best friend.

Every single night, he couldn’t get Siwon out of his head. A smile would always appear whenever he thought about him, and yet, he would always make himself depressed.

Siwon only thought of him as a brother, a best friend, nothing else. Nothing more. No matter how much Hankyung wanted that, he knew it would never come true. He growled to himself and flipped to his other side in annoyance. He had to stop thinking about him, especially about a boy who was a year younger than him. He had to stop wishing that they could be more. He had to stop his crazy feelings for this boy. And when Hankyung caught himself arguing with no one in particular, all thoughts came to a halt, replaced by one question.

Was this love?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was four more months of fighting with himself, keeping quiet, mourning and depressing himself. Hankyung was determined in keeping quiet about his feelings, and he was determined to get over Siwon. He tried, he really did. But it only got worse. Every time he willed himself to forget about him, his feelings would simply get stronger each day. It never died down. Hankyung suffered in silence, wishing that Siwon would notice, and maybe, just maybe, he could tell him.

Having enough of depressing himself, he decided to ask Heechul about it. Later at singing class, Hankyung went up to him. By then, they were close, close as brothers, so he thought that maybe Heechul would understand. Heechul smiled in recognition and unscrewed the lid to his water bottle before drinking from it.

“Is it wrong to like a guy?” Heechul stared at him and stopped drinking. Hankyung sighed. Maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. But when Heechul put down his water bottle and shook his head, Hankyung felt a small bit of hope.

“No, it doesn’t matter who you like. Why? You like a guy?” Hankyung gaped at him. He basically just told Heechul that he was gay and he was cool with it. Heechul never ceased to amaze him.

“I guess you could say that.” Hankyung shrugged nonchalantly. Lies. Of course he liked somebody. He was head over heels for Siwon, but it’s not like he would admit that to Heechul. Heechul grabbed Hankyung’s shoulder and shook him gently.

“Tell me!” He rolled his eyes and flicked off Heechul’s hand.

“You’d laugh.” Hankyung stated. Heechul crossed his arms in annoyance.

“No I won’t. We’ve been friends for about half a year, you can trust me.” Hankyung sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to win this fight.

“Siwon.” Hankyung looked down. Heechul widened his eyes and clapped his hands together.

“I knew it.” Hankyung gave him an annoyed look and pushed him away.

“How would you know?!” Heechul shrugged and smiled at him.
 

“Well, I guess I didn’t know it, but he was the first boy to pop in my mind. He’s talked a lot about you during acting class.” Hankyung felt his heart flutter a little at that statement.

“Really?” Hankyung asked disbelievingly. Heechul jabbed a finger in his face and laughed.

“So you do like him!” Heechul cackled to himself. Hankyung scowled and started walking to the other side of the room.

“I knew it. You would laugh.” Heechul ran up to him and grabbed his arm.

“No I’m not laughing at you!” Hankyung crossed his arms and turned around. Heechul turned serious again. “You should tell him.”

Hankyung laughed loudly at him.

“Ha! That’s a good one.” Heechul shook his head.

“I’m being serious!” When Hankyung gave him a dangerous glare, Heechul dropped the subject.
 

“Fine then. Well, what do you like about him?” He could name at least ten reasons at the top of his head, but Heechul wasn’t going to know.
 

“Like I’m going to tell you.” Hankyung scoffed. Heechul huffed, but before he could say anything, the teacher called them back. Hankyung breathed a sigh of relief and realized that a weight was lifted off his shoulders. However, the burden of liking Siwon still remained.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After a few weeks, Hankyung realized that he was going crazy. It was just too overwhelming for him. He was tired of keeping quiet, of hurting himself, of depressing himself. All over a stupid guy. So when they were getting ready for their next basketball practice, he stopped Siwon from walking out the locker room. When he turned around curiously, Hankyung shook his head.

“Please just wait.” As everyone filed out into the gym, Siwon turned to Hankyung.

“Hankyung, what’s wrong?” Hankyung closed his eyes and tried his best to smile through his pain.
 

“You love me right?” When Siwon gave him a weird look, his hopes fell. Hankyung let out a choked chuckle and corrected himself.

“You love me, as a friend, right?” He turned away and closed his eyes when Siwon pulled him in a one armed hug.
 

“Of course! Don’t be so insecure, Hannie.” Hankyung felt his heart twist painfully at the nickname. He found out what he wanted to know, and he didn’t want to know anymore. To Siwon, he was just a brother, an older brother to seek advice from. Nothing more. Hankyung felt hot tears prick the back of his eyes when Siwon left his side to the gym. He had enough of this, but he couldn’t do anything about it. For the first time since liking him, the pain came rushing as tears streaked silently down his face.

When Siwon asked him why his nose was so red, Hankyung simply smiled and told him it was allergies. It was painful, he told him, too painful to talk about.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Do you still like Siwon?” Hankyung looked up from where he was staring at the ground to Heechul.
 

“Excuse me?” Hankyung asked, surprised that Heechul would ask that.

“Do you still like Siwon?” Heechul repeated, leaning against the wall. Hankyung opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Of course he still liked him; there was no question about it. But he didn’t want to suffer anymore. He didn’t want to go through the pain of seeing him every day, knowing that Siwon only thought of him as a brother, as simply a close friend. Hankyung hated it. He hated how God was so against him.
 

“No.” The word came out of his mouth quicker than he realized. It was a mistake to tell Heechul a lie, but the word was out, and there was no turning back. Hankyung remained silent. Heechul turned around so Hankyung was facing his back.

“Oh really?” There was something about the way Heechul said that statement that made Hankyung’s stomach turn uneasily.

“Why?” Hankyung asked cautiously. Heechul shrugged.

“Because I might like him.” Horror filled Hankyung, preventing him from moving, from talking. It really was a mistake to tell Heechul that he didn’t like Siwon anymore. His throat closed up on him. He wanted to take everything back, that one simple sentence. But the damage was done.

“Oh…” Hankyung said, because he didn’t know what else to say. When Heechul turned back around to face him, Hankyung quickly put on a smile to avoid questions from Heechul.

“You don’t mind, do you?” This was another chance to redeem himself, to take back what he said. Hankyung shook his head and smiled.

“No I don’t mind.” Another mistake. What was he doing?! Heechul bit his lip and stared at him.

“Then…would you mind if I asked him out?” Fury, desperation, and sadness filled Hankyung. This was the first time that he hated Heechul’s outgoing personality. Hankyung swallowed and smiled bitterly.

“No. Not at all." He breathed, forcing himself not to lose control. "Just wondering…when did you start liking him?”

Heechul shrugged again.

“A few weeks ago.” This just made him angrier. How could he just say that he liked him after a few weeks? For Hankyung, it was month after month of pure torture. Pure desperation. Months of staying quiet. A lump formed in his throat, but Hankyung managed to swallow and make it go away.

“Go ahead, do whatever you want.” Hankyung’s fake smile wavered just the tiniest bit. He told himself not to worry. Siwon was religious. He couldn’t possibly say yes. He was sure of it.

Unfortunately, he thought wrong.

Siwon said yes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hankyung didn’t even try to smile anymore. His world was crashing down, and he couldn’t believe how much it hurt. He barely saw Heechul or Siwon anymore, since they were out together almost all the time. It hurt. Heechul was more important to Siwon than him. That hurt. At least not seeing them meant that he could forget, or at least try to forget.

But no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t forget. Those few months didn’t just go to waste. He was tired of keeping quiet. He had a gentle nature, he wanted to stay rational. But what Heechul was doing wasn’t helping. He was tired of being gentle. He was tired of being nice. He told himself to stay calm, no matter how much he was breaking down inside.
 

It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair to him. Hankyung was Siwon’s friend first. He hated how Siwon stared at Heechul like he was the only person in the world. He was the one who Siwon came to for advice. He was the one who comforted Siwon when he was feeling down. It wasn’t fair, it just wasn’t fair!

Each day was worse than before. Siwon was all he could think about all day in school, but Heechul always popped in, destroying all thoughts. He loved Heechul, he really did. Heechul was his best friend. But couldn’t Heechul show some compassion for him? Hankyung thought Heechul would realize that he was lying about not liking Siwon. Apparently he was wrong.
 

Hankyung stared at himself in the mirror in his room. His reflection mocked him. His thoughts kept straying back to Heechul and Siwon. Why couldn’t Siwon look at him the way he looked at Heechul? Why couldn’t he care about him the way he cared about Heechul? Why couldn’t he love him the way he loved Heechul? Hankyung paused. The topic of love was brought up again. Did he love Siwon?

Hankyung wanted him to himself. He wanted to spend every last moment with him. He cherished every laugh, every smile, and every touch they shared. He hated how it was all one-sided; he hated how it hurt so much! His vision blurred as he fell on to his knees, weak and exhausted.
 

He was angry, sad, and hurt. A really bad combination to be in. He was suffering, he was depressed, and worst of all, he was doing this to himself. Why did he have to join that stupid basketball team? Why did he have to meet Siwon? If he didn’t, none of this would have happened. Hankyung hung his head, gritting his teeth and gripping the carpet floor beneath him. Nothing was fair to him. He wanted Siwon to be his so badly, it was just a simple wish. A simple wish that would never come true. So did he love Siwon?

The tears came unexpectedly as they dropped to the floor, wetting the carpet beneath him. Hankyung was breaking down. It hurt to hold everything in. He wanted so much, yet he could get so little. He wanted Siwon to smile at him lovingly as a daily routine, he wanted those hugs to be so much more! He wanted Siwon to understand. He wanted Siwon to love him. So did he love Siwon?
 

Hankyung took a deep breath, choking on his own words.

“I love you, Siwon. I don’t want to, but I do. I love you, so, so much.” Hankyung whispered for the first time, heaving silent sobs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He felt desperate. The pain was taking over, revealing the irrational side of him. When basketball practice was over, he stormed over to Siwon, dragging him outside.
 

“Hey, Hankyung! Watch it! Wait, stop! What are you doing?” Hankyung snarled at him angrily, almost throwing him against the wall of an alley.
 

“Why did you say yes?” Hankyung cried out, almost screaming at him. Siwon adjusted his shirt and stared at him.
 

“What are you talking about?” Hankyung threw his hands up in the air in frustration.

“Heechul! I’m talking about Heechul! Who else would it be? Why did you say yes to him? Aren’t you from a high Protestant family?!” He asked desperately, feeling those familiar tears prick the back of his eyes again. Siwon gripped both of his shoulders tightly, forcing him to look up in those eyes.

“I said yes because I liked him. Yes, I’m religious. The bible says homouality is wrong, I’m aware of it, I’m completely aware of it!” Hankyung stared hopelessly into those eyes and felt his throat close up. Siwon took a deep breath.

“But the bible also says that it’s wrong to hurt the one you love.” Siwon said it. Love. Not like. He loved Heechul. And that hurt the most. The tears finally came streaming down Hankyung’s face. Siwon widened his eyes and shook his shoulders.
 

“Hankyung, what’s wrong? What’s happening?!” Hankyung closed his eyes in silence and put a hand over his mouth before opening his eyes again.

“Just leave.” He whispered. Siwon shot him a strange look. Suddenly, Hankyung jerked out of his grip and pushed him forcefully to the ground.
 

“Just leave me alone!” Hankyung shouted brokenly, running off without another word.
 

“Wait, Hankyung!” Hankyung found another alleyway and slumped against the wall, hiding his face in his hands. He was heartbroken and lost. Siwon loved Heechul. He lost. He lost the game that he didn’t even know he was playing. He slid to the ground and cried into his hands. He heard footsteps getting closer to him, but he didn’t even have the heart to get up and run away again. When he felt those strong supporting arms wrap around him, he just cried harder.

“Hankyung…” Siwon whispered. Hankyung turned around and cried into his chest, gripping his shirt tightly. Hankyung felt his hand run through his hair comfortingly, making anger build up inside of him again. How could he do that without feeling a bit of love for him?! How could he treat him like this?
 

“What’s wrong? What are you not telling me? Please tell me…” Hankyung didn’t even look up.

“You would never understand. You wouldn’t even care!” Hankyung ran up and out of his grasp again, not wanting to fall into Siwon’s trap again. He was pushing Siwon away, he was aware of that. It was hurting him, the both of them, but Hankyung was too far gone to realize it. He just wanted to find relief in his world of pain. He wanted everything to end.

He ran home, half wiping his eyes and half crying. He slammed the door shut and slid down against it, putting his head in between his knees. Why did he have to meet Siwon? Why did he have to meet Heechul? If he didn’t, none of this would have happened. He’d had enough. He couldn’t take the pain anymore. He just wanted it to end. He wanted the pain to end.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hankyung, what’s wrong? You didn’t even start writing yet.” Hankyung didn’t realize he was staring blankly at a piece of paper on his desk until Sungmin pointed it out. He closed his eyes, completely numb from the pain.

“I know.” He growled, picking up his pencil, starting to write. Sungmin tapped his shoulder again, receiving a glare from Hankyung.

“Are you okay?” Sungmin whispered. Hankyung hissed and pushed his hand off his shoulder. Of course he wasn’t okay. Everything was going wrong. He stopped talking to Siwon and Heechul, and even started to avoid the both of them.

“I’m fine.” Hankyung insisted through gritted teeth. Sungmin furrowed his eyebrows together.

“Your attitude’s terrible. You’ve changed.” Hankyung sighed and made sure to only look at his paper. When he thought about it, Sungmin was right. He did change. His personality had gone haywire. He hated to hold in the pain for such a long time. He didn’t want to go through that again. His temper was sensitive now, and it flared up easily. He laid his head against his desk and sighed again. What did Siwon do to him?

At the end of class, he silently picked up his books and walked out the door.
 

“Hankyung!” He turned at the sound of his name, only to see Siwon walking towards him. Hankyung widened his eyes and picked up his pace, walking away from him. He looked back after a while and sighed in relief when Siwon wasn’t there.

“You’re really not that smart, are you hyung?” Hankyung shrieked when he turned a corner to bump into Siwon.

“How did you…?!” Hankyung paused when Siwon cut in.

“I went around.” Hankyung scowled and looked away, willing himself to stay strong. But all of that melted away when Siwon comfortingly put a hand on his shoulder. Hankyung took a shaky breath as he closed his eyes. He missed his touch, so, so much.

“Hankyung…” Hankyung bit his lip and looked to the ground.

“Can we just forget about what happened last night? I don’t want our friendship to be lost. You’re…you’re my best friend.” Siwon said. Hankyung wanted to strangle him. They were back to where they started. Still, after all that, he was just a friend to Siwon. He could feel those walls breaking down again as he let himself to be pulled back into Siwon’s trap.

“You know what, fine. Forget about what happened last night. Pretend like it never happened, alright?” Hankyung snapped, trying not to cry. He twisted violently to shake off his hand and walked quickly to his next class. He didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. His emotions were controlling him. He just didn’t want to feel the heartbreak, the pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There was tension in the air between the both of them throughout basketball practice. Hankyung didn’t want to meet his gaze, didn’t want to be reminded of how he could never be his. When Siwon grabbed his arm after practice, Hankyung stopped. His anger had died down, but it was simply replaced by heartbrokenness and more pain.

“Can we walk home together? Like we used to? Please?” Siwon asked quietly. Hankyung nodded silently, still refusing to look in his eyes. He picked up his bag and walked out with Siwon, feeling glum.

After a few minutes of simply walking in awkward silence, Siwon spoke up.

“Hankyung, are you angry with me? You won’t even look at me.” Hankyung sighed and looked up, deciding that he had no choice. He thought he was strong enough to look him straight in the eye. But he was wrong. Again. When He met his gaze, everything just collapsed on him. His eyes, his dimples, his kind personality, everything that he couldn’t have. Hankyung took a shuddery breath and looked away, feeling his throat clog up.

“I’m not.” He choked out, already feeling the tears coming. He managed a smile, but even Siwon could tell that it was strained and forced. But he grasped every chance to renew this broken friendship.

“Can you at least tell me what’s wrong? I know that you don’t want me to bring it up again…but I care about you.” Hankyung snorted. Care. He didn’t want it. He wanted that and so much more. Looking back up into Siwon’s eyes, he was surprised to find his spirit broken. He had a lost look in his eyes, and they were glazed over. Hankyung took a deep breath. Maybe it was time to tell him.

“I…I actually have a confession to make.” Hankyung muttered. Siwon stopped in his tracks, making Hankyung turn around in confusion.

“I need to tell you something too, Hankyung.” Hankyung turned fully to face him, trying to avoid his piercing gaze. Siwon looked away and back at him.

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s important for me to tell you. Do you mind me going first?” Hankyung shrugged and nodded.

“I’ve kind of been hiding this from you ever since the beginning of the year…” Hankyung raised an eyebrow in question as unwanted hope began to soar inside him. Siwon started fiddling with his backpack strap.
 

“It’s just that…I kind of liked you in the beginning.” Everything just fell for Hankyung. He was frozen with disbelief. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t happen. It was bringing back those painful memories in the beginning of the year. Siwon chuckled dryly.

“I know, it’s stupid. I was…I was waiting for you to do something, anything. But I kind of gave up after a while, when Heechul came.” Hankyung looked down, already crying silently. He was stupid. So stupid. He should have done something in the beginning. He had his chance…and he lost it. That hurt the most. Siwon didn’t notice and continued.

“I hope that doesn’t affect our friendship…if it helps, I don’t like you that way now.” Hankyung wanted to laugh out loud. That. That was supposed to make him feel better. He really did lose his chance. If only he didn’t keep quiet, if only he actually did something! None of this would have happened. He was stupid, so stupid. Hankyung made the mistake of taking a shaky breath while crying. Immediately, Siwon was at his side.
 

“Hankyung, Hankyung! What happened? Was it something I said?” Hankyung looked up, seeing his earnest expression. He didn’t deserve a person like that. It was everything you said, idiot, Hankyung thought to himself. I was too late, too late. But the words stayed silent on his tongue. Hankyung shook his hand off and started heading home with his head hung low.

“No it wasn’t Siwon, please don’t worry. I just…I need to solve something by myself right now.” Hankyung was wishing that Siwon would turn around and chase after him, ask him what’s wrong, hug him, kiss him…love him. Hankyung squeezed his eyes shut and turned around, half hoping that Siwon would be there. Instead, Siwon was walking the other way. His heart felt like it was being squeezed. He waited for Siwon to turn the corner before falling down on his knees, covering his face with his hands.

“Is it really that wrong to want something so badly?” He whispered to himself and started crying. He was too late. He had a chance, a real chance. He was too blind to notice. He was late. Too late.