The first time Hyukjae tells Donghae he loves him, it's 3 in the morning and the other is staring lifelessly at a wall. When Hyukjae enters the younger's apartment, the sound of his feet sliding across the cold linoleum, littered with the fragments of Donghae's shattered heart, echoes throughout the room like ripples across a pond. Kibum had had enough of questioning the "just friends" story between the dance machine and the little fishy and Donghae no longer had time to defend why he should be trusted.   The younger's eyes are rimmed in red and his eyes are a storm of emotions.  Hyukjae sits next to him and patiently picks up the pieces of his best friend's heart, making sure to get every last shard and cradling them close to his chest. Hyukjae doesn't expect an answer as he draws the other closer; he just wants it thrown out there. He is giving Donghae a reason to come back to the living even when he knows the other may very well be better off left alone.

            That night is a jumble of words, feather light kisses, and uncontrollable anger at "damn actors who leave without saying goodbye."

            After that Donghae walks around like an empty shell, eyes glazed over with thought and voice hollow and tinny, like the box that Hyukjae keeps Donghae's heart in.  Every night Hyukjae tries fruitlessly to fit the pieces together, gluing and taping and sewing till his fingers bleed, but every time he finishes piecing together the slivers and shows it to Donghae, the other's face contorts into an unreadable expression and the heart shatters again causing Hyukjae to start all over again.

            Hyukjae hates how he is helpless as his palms are slit open from the sharp slivers of the broken heart and no matter how many times he screams and yells at the other, he knows the other isn't doing it on purpose.  He knows that talking is hopeless because Donghae is beyond gone. He is numb and for all anyone knew, he could've been dead to the world.  All sounds are muffled and he can't focus his eyes on anything long enough to see it.  His head pounds obnoxiously loud in the deafening silence of his mind, but no matter how much Donghae tries to ignore the tiny voice in the back of his head, he himself has to admit that the small waves, caused by three small words, crashing through his being are quite insistent.

            And as much as Hyukjae hates being useless as his best friend deteriorates in front of him, Donghae hates the pain he is causing the other and his inability to forget.  At night, when Donghae thinks the other is sleeping, he takes the box out and sits in the bathroom for hours on end.  Sometimes, when the sobs get really desperate, Hyukjae sits behind the closed door, fighting with himself, debating with himself on whether or not he should intervene.  In the end, he just listens to how Donghae pleads for his heart to stop hurting, holding back his own tears.   In the morning, Hyukjae opens the bathroom door to carry the sleeping Donghae back into his bed. He never mentions what he hears at night.  He doesn't know what to say.

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            The second time Hyukjae tells Donghae he loves him it is 6 weeks later, when he walks in on Donghae with a bottle's worth of pills in his hand and a running sink on.  His eyes are crazed and puffy and he looks so broken that for a moment Hyukjae thinks about letting the other take his life.  Then just as fast as the thought flew into his mind he is launching himself at the younger, slapping the pills away, and holding him tightly as the other pounds away at his chest. 

Hyukjae calls him stupid, unreasonable, and selfish, and in returns gets the silent treatment for a week. In a way that hurts more than if Donghae had ignored him for being gay.  Leeteuk locks away all the drugs after that and Hyukjae is at his limit when Donghae crawls into his bed one night, snuggling under his arm and whispering that he loves him too.

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After a while the two become inseparable.  You never see one without the other. Donghae has finally forgotten about killer smiles and although he still has random spouts of sadness, it's nothing Hyukjae can't cure. Hyukjae is like the ultimate security blanket; he always knows exactly when he's needed and exactly how to help.

And as they become closer and more dependent on each other, Donghae soon learns a lot about Hyukjae. He learns that Hyukjae looks the best when he first wakes up, before the stylists slather any makeup on his already perfect skin and his hair is still free of any hairspray. He also learns that the other is sensitive and even if he doesn't show it, he needs Donghae to reassure him that Kang Ho Dong's teasing was in jest and that "no, your gummy smile isn't ugly". And surprisingly, he learns that his feet really don't smell and that he is the best at snuggling on the coldest, rainiest days. And above all, Donghae learns that Hyukjae really does love him and that if Hyukjae were ever to leave like Kibum did, he would really die.

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It's two years later when they finally announce their relationship to their members and Hyukjae has kept his promise of making sure the other never cries again. It's been ages since he last sobbed and he couldn't be happier.  Donghae finds that he loves Hyukjae in a way completely different from Kibum and it feels like his soul is satisfied in the most amazing way.  Today is an exception though.  He finds himself crying and not being able to stop and the whole time he can't get Hyukjae off his mind. He sobs because his heart is fully healed, the pieces sticking together and staying. It's for all the wrong reasons, he knows, but he can't stop what his heart wants. He tries to stay faithful, like he had been doing for the past couple of years.  He tries to be everything he knew Hyukjae deserved because he loves him.  He really does.  But even he, with the strongest will in the world, can't help when his head is taken for a spin and life decides that it's time for him to trip over his own two feet and tumble uncontrollably down the hill of misery and broken hearts.  And when he finally comes to and the fog has cleared, he finds himself sprawled out in front of a pair of black dress shoes with regret and hope dug into their soles. 

Kibum.