"he's -- what?!" jongdae stuttered, disbelieving, the usual cheerfulness surrouding him gone.

"kris filed a lawsuit for termination of contract," manager hyung shuffled his feet uncomfortably, staring at tao with a worried look on his face, "he's staying in china and refusing to come back. he wants out."

minseok furrows his brows and luhan's lips curve down. they share a look and usher tao to his room. the youngest had always shared a special bond with their leader. "zitao," luhan starts but fades off, unsure of exactly how to express himself, "zitao, the world doesn't end with the disappearance of yifan." he tries.
souless eyes stare back at him, puzzlement evident in the depths of their blackness, "was it me, ge? did I do something wrong?"

"ah, zitao, no... he... he--"

"he couldn't stand it. the pressure he recevied as a leader and member of exo," yixing says as he leans against the door frame, "he broke." minseok hears the crestfallen note in yixing's factual tone and glances worriedly at the man. the taller smiles sadly before turning his head away.

tao shakes his head, uncomprehending "why? didn't he promise us forever?" luhan tilts his head sadly in response to his question and gently tao's head.

"promises are meant to be broken," he whispers. minseok looks away from yixing and turns his worried gaze towards luhan, who brokenly smiles back at him. the oldest sighs before he smoothes tao's hair down and heads back out.

"what happens now?" the clear sound of minseok's voice rings through the somehow seemingly emptier house, albeit it being filled with five exo members and two managers. somehow, it just didn't feel right without yifan.

"you continue rehearsing for your concert and tour. without kris. you'll be adapting to a eleven member formation. kris' parts will be split between you and tao." minseok nods and turns, intending to go back to the room, but he catches sight of jongdae. poor jongdae, who had always admired yifan, who was definitely shocked that their beloved leader abandoned them.

still, the matter of tao was more important, so minseok patted jongdae's head and offered him a slight smile before returning back to tao's room. the two managers tried to offer a soft smile at jongdae before leaving the house.

yet again abandoned, jongdae stared blankly at the ceiling above him. he looked out of the window into the galaxy outside. he thinks of the happy times they spent as twelve, as six, and a tear falls gently down his defined cheekbones. It drips down, down, down... until it hangs from his chin, wobbling there for a second before it falls with an almost audible 'plop'. A second, third, fourth and then countless tears follow it's fate.

'Well,' jongdae questions, 'are we still one, yifan hyung?'

we are one

when minseok returns to the room, he sees tao with his puffy eyes and a worried luhan. yixing is nowhere to be seen, but minseok highly suspects that the gentle man is hiding in the toilet, sobbing his heart out. yixing might have sounded detached, emotionless, somewhat heartless, but the man was far from that.

he was the gentlest soul minseok had ever met, and minseok sincerely wished that yixing would never have to suffer any more hurt, be it physical or mental. most likely, yixing's words were not only to explain the reason yifan left to tao, but also to himself.

minseok shoots a gentle smile at luhan before he sits next to tao. he grabs tao's head in his hands and cuddles him into his chest. the height difference makes the scene somewhat comedic, but no one has the heart to laugh.

luhan tao's head blankly, and a thousand thoughts run through his head. just the, his phone rings and luhan glances at it. he sees a message from the manager hyungs, that he's being summoned by the company. luhan looks up at minseok.

they both know the content of the message and the reason behind it. minseok smiles sadly at luhan and nods, "go," he mouths. luhan nods apologetically and walks off, a beep from his phone signalling that the managers are waiting from him downstairs.

minseok continues to tao's head as he stares out into the starry sky through the window. he feels stuffy and opens it, embracing the lonely darkness outside.  minseok knows that he is acting surprisingly calm, as if in a trance. his actions and words feel dull and slow.

he doesn't realise that his cheeks are wet until the blooming patch of dark blue grows big on tao's azure shirt. minseok wipes his tears and continues to tao's head as he stares out of the window.

'did you not trust me enough to tell me about your problems, yifan-ah?' the eldest hyung thinks, a crestfallen, heartbreaking look on his face

we are one

"-- from now on, you will be exo-m's leader. please do a responsible --" his boss' words faded into a numb drone and luhan gazes blankly at the floor, nodding like an idiot. "so, luhan, new leader of exo-m, you're dismissed."

he bows and turns around like a robot; suddenly, he wishes badly to be one, unfeeling and mechanic. as he walks through the halls of the building towards the elevator, he thinks about the practice room where so many dreams and memories were shared.

he enters the lift and presses a button. the button doesn't bring him to the lobby, where manager hyungs are waiting, but they'll have to understand. he heads towards the practice rooms, entering one which was empty. he switches on the lights.

he remembers that in one of the practice rooms just like this one, he and yifan had a mock rap competition. everyone knew that yifan was naturally more talented at rapping and luhan, with his doll-like face, could never win the strong, handsome yifan. luhan, obviously, failed horribly and everyone told him to shut up and just keep singing. yifan just grinned at luhan, telling him that he did a good job even though everyone knew that was totally not true.

he remembers that in one of the practice rooms just like this he and yifan secretly sneaked out to buy chicken for the members who were starving. it was right before debut and they had to diet. but because the members were starving, yifan volunteered to go buy food for them, most likely because he didn't want anyone else to get into trouble. luhan insisted on accompanying yifan as he was oldest then, seeing as minseok was not there since he was filming. in the end, they were unfornately caught and given a big scolding, although the team leader gave in in the end and allowed them to eat the chicken. when kris and luhan saw the members' satisfied expressions, they knew it was all worth it. the incident ended with a silly grin shared between the two.

he remembers that in one of the practice rooms just like this one, he once wanted to give up. yet yifan did not allow him to. yifan encouraged him, mocked him for giving up and even tried to sing high notes so that luhan could see how talented he was and what a waste it would be if he gave up now. luhan laughs now, as he remembers yifan's chicken squawks when he tried to sing those high notes. he hums the song that yifan sang then, and turns off the lights. he slides down against the mirror in the room and sighs, staring into darkness.

luhan feels like breaking down but he remembers that he's now the leader of exo-m. he's one of the two leaders of exo, and he can't afford to break down here. not when their sturdy support was gone. luhan looks out of the practice room and sees no one, he stands up and shuts the door, sitting down against it. he feels the incoming onslaught of tears but smacks his eyes to stop himself from crying-- he can't.

but he wonders if it's fine to cry alone, in this darkness where no one can see. unknown to him, a tear escapes from the corner of his eyes and the floodgates open.

'yifan,' luhan thinks as he continues to hum the song while sobbing, 'yifan-ah... i'm sorry for not being a good hyung.'

we are one

yixing tries to muffle his sobs in the toilet. his heart is screaming and his face is ruined. he smiles bitterly to himself, swearing to never let fans see this ugly face of his. he remembers when he cried on stage and it was ugly.

his phone beeps and he sees that chanyeol and sehun updated their instagram. he opens and reads the korean letters, having more trouble than usual with the tears blurring his eyes and falling onto the phone. as he comprehends the words, he realizes that sehun was plain confused and chanyeol was past the stage of sadness and into the second stage of anger.

yixing sighs and leans back against the toilet seat. he's worried for luhan as the older tends to keep it all inside him. he's worried for tao because the poor maknae was the closest and yifan, by the looks of it, did not even mention it to him. he's worried for minseok because he knows that the eldest will try to shoulder everyone's burden. he's worried for jongdae because the cheerful guy had a sort of puppy adoration towards yifan.

he thinks of exo-k before he shakes his head and banishes all of his depressive thoughts. yixing stands up and wipes the tears from his eyes, deciding that he has cried enough and the tears should stop now. he takes the two steps towards the sink and washes his face, gently dabbing at his red and swollen eyes.

he grimaces at the look, but as hard as he tries, he cannot stop the tears flowing down his face. yixing groans and wills himself to stop, breathing in and out silently, but nothing works.

his brain flashes back to a moment before an award show. yifan had bet with him that he would cry when they got the award, but yixing said that he wouldn't. evidently, yifan won and yixing lost. yixing laughs, still facing the mirror, and thinks that he is clearly not good at controlling his emotions.

but this flashback also brought back more bittersweet memories. memories of yifan yelling out 'we are one!' enthusiastically with them. memories of yifan comforting him and almost begging him to stop crying in a sweet, panicking manner. memories of yifan trying to goof around so that he would laugh, which he did, but through his tears.

yixing shakily falls back onto the closed cover of the toilet seat and abandons all hope of stopping his tears. he winds up into a ball and huddles into himself.

"why, yifan?" yixing murmurs to himself, "why? why'd you leave us?"

we are one

tao feels like he died the moment he heard the news being confirmed. just a few hours ago, he was scrolling through articles about exo happily, satisfied with the attention their overdose comeback was receiving. then, he sees a report labeled breaking news, and clicks on it curiously. what he reads shocks him but he laughs disbelievingly, not trusting that yifan would abandon them.

but then manager hyungs came and told tao and the rest that the article was true, a few hours later. he sits on a chair, shell-shocked, and blinks. he wonders if it was because he did something wrong, that yifan left. was it that his hygiene wasn't the best? was he too clingy, too demanding? was it because he was no longer cute and unsure of himself?

unlike what the rest think, tao was clear minded. he knew that minseok and luhan shared a look and led him to his room, he knew that jongdae was sitting next to him silently, with a stunned expression on his face. tao guesses that luhan is crying in a lonely corner all by himself. he feels the tears dripping down minseok's face while he hugs him. he sees the evident tear tracks on yixing's face when he comes out of the toilet and hugs both minseok and him.

he also realizes that tears are also running down his face and wipes them away, slowly. tao feels sluggish, like his limbs do not belong to him. he thinks of the hurt he sees s receive and he feels... he feels betrayed. hurt. confused. lost. anger.

the emotions flood him and tao blinks. he doesn't know which emotion takes control, but the tears grow stronger and his nose runs, making his face an unwelcome sight. he doesn't know what he feels when he curls into a ball on his bed and stares blankly at the wall next to his bed. he doesn't know what he feels when the tears drip down from his eye, down his nose and onto the bed. minseok sighs and pats his head and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click

now, tao is no longer a child, unlike what many think. he realizes that yifan definitely has reasons for his actions. but he still feels betrayed. betrayed by someone he cared a lot about. betrayed by yifan.

yifan, who had just a few days ago, shouted 'we are one!' with all of them suddenly turned his back on them. yifan, whom he trusted with more than just his life. yifan, whom he loved greatly.

he thinks of the past they shared, the memories that they created and feels even more heartbroken. how could yifan do this to him? to them?

tao has a feeling that he's past the stage of sadness and into anger.

he sends yifan a single message.

"why?"

"i'm sorry."

"why?" he repeats.

...yifan is typing...

he stares at the top of the screen at these perpetually appearing words and knows that yifan is backspacing. he wonders what the elder will say and wipes his tears, sitting up.

"i just couldn't bear it. originally, i had thoughts of quitting when i was a trainee. but then i met you. i knew i couldn't let you suffer alone and so i just stayed on."

"me?"

"yes, you. you were depressed and lonely, you couldn't trust anyone and you had no one to depend on. i couldn't leave you alone, i just had to..."

"then why would you leave now?"

"because i feel that you're mature enough."

tao stares at the message silently and collapses back onto his bed. this isn't what he wants to see. he knows that the older cares for him, but he also knows that it's not past the level of a close, normal friendship.

"i want a real explanation, yifan."

"it's true."

"i know you. there's something other than that."

...yifan is typing...

"i"

yifan stops typing and just then, tao receives a call.

"hi," the older greets, somewhat awkwardly, in his deep, raspy voice, "hello..."

years of friendship, all gone in one instance, tao thinks bitterly, "hi."

"I... I have a condition."

tao blinks and the words take a few seconds to process, "you're dying?"

"I..."

"ah. myocarditis? but it can be treated!"

tao hears a slight pause before yifan answers, "not under sm. I need long periods of rest."

"request for it. you can get rest, both yixing and jongin were allowed to rest to a certain extent when they got hurt! you can take a hiatus, but stay with us!"

"I..." he trails off, not knowing how to respond.

"you never asked, did you? you just want out, don't you? you never wanted to be part of us. you never felt like part of us!" tao bursts out. he now knows why kris never actively participated in anything they did.

"no, no, I..."

"whatever. all the years of hard work, everything, all ruined because of you. joonmyun hyung's seven years of hard work, all gone in one selfish instance. what about jongin, yixing? they work so hard to be the best dancers of the group and even receive so many injuries and  yet here you are, giving up so easily. why-- why did you do such a stupid thing?"

yifan keeps quiet because tao is right. a tear drips down the side of yifan's face and he submits himself to tao's burst of anger silently.

"I'm sorry."

"a sorry doesn't cut it. it doesn't cure anything now, yifan. it's not a simple argument," tao strangles out, gasping for air after his rant, he muffles his sobs of anger, or sadness, he doesn't know, that are threatening to burst out, "I think I might hate you."

yifan keeps silent at this and another tear slips out of the corner of his eyes.

"we all trusted you. you were one of our leaders. you're supposed to be responsible, guide the group and always be there. you're not supposed to quit and just ditch us."

tao breathes in.

out.

"whatever yifan," he sighs, "just don't regret this."

the beeping tone blares out from yifan's phone and he stares at it sadly. he looks out of the window in china and he feels, he thinks, he knows that he won't. if he regrets, what he regrets will be the friendships he lost, but to gain something, he would have to lose something.

he doesn't regret because he knows that exo will be fine without him. sure, they might be sad and angered at first, but they will get over it. he knows that jongdae will get over him.  he knows that minseok and luhan will share the burden of being leader somehow, even if luhan is most probably appointed leader. he knows that yixing will continue to be the gentle, motherly figure. most importantly, he knows that tao is strong enough to handle this, and will no longer resort to cutting.

he turns back to the task that he was completing before tao messaged him, wiping the tear tracks on his face clean. adding the finishing , he smiles as he finishes writing out his will. on it, he writes that he is extremely sorry to his fans, to s. he apologizes for not telling them anything about this.

about his incurable and fatal lung disease. myocarditis was just a cover for it.

about how rapping and dancing would only worsen it.

about how he only had exactly six months, half a year, half of 365 left.

to him, the dream of continuing with exo was just an intangible reverie.

he sighs and passes the will to his lawyer, who accidentally lets a piece of paper flutter away. the lawyer hurriedly grabs it before it flies off. he sees that it's an extremely unrecognizable drawing. on closer look, it shows eleven stickmen receiving an award labeled disk and digital daesang x 100.

a lonely tear drips down yifan' face and he sighs, letting go of everything.

we are one

and he shall remain in our memories forever, but only in our memories will he exist -exo

we are one

now none of the thoughts during the yixing part reflects mine, I don't think yixing's ugly when he cries but remember I'm trying to write from his point of view so I'd think to almost everyone your crying face would be ugly... also the times of the ig updates are off but shhh.

as for tao's, even though I'm a taoris shipper, when tao says that he loves yifan, it's platonic. I was damn tempted to turn kris into a <3tao though at the call like I HAVE A HEART DISEASE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU GODDAMNIT.

*yifan planned for everything to be exactly six months before his roughly estimated death hence the bad timing (it fell after OD promotions at first)

wu yifan and exo shall be successful forever and ever and ever! exo saranghaja!