When Yifan woke up that morning, he knew he had ed up big times. Baekhyun was half spread on him, breathing soft puffs through his mouth, and the sight reminded him so much of his mornings with Tan-Mi that he felt nauseous over what had happened the night before. Now he knew he though, but that did nothing to diminish the guilt. Baekhyun's delicate fingers around him had felt like heaven, maybe because the man knew how much pressure he could apply unless all the women he had been with, and Yifan was slowly discovering he did not really mind when someone else took charge. Baekhyun stirred in his sleep, and Yifan's breath caught in his throat. Eventually, the younger man opened his eyes, looking disoriented for a second before he met Yifan's gaze.

“Baek... I'm gonna leave, ok ?” The other moved off his chest, still silent as he observed him dressing back into his clothes.

Yifan was buttoning back his shirt when Baekhyun finally broke off the awkward silence.

“I'm sorry about yesterday, I hope it won't cause problem with your girlfriend.” He put his hands over his face, sighing tiredly.

“Don't.” Yifan answered. “I am the guilty one here.” He could see Baekhyun bite his lips in worry, and he suddenly felt bad for putting Baekhyun in such position.

“Give me your phone number at least.” The younger man said. “If you need to talk, you know, just call me.”

Yifan was not sure about what that meant, but something in the younger man's eyes told him there was genuine concern, so he accepted easily before he left the room.

He was looking for his jacket when he noticed someone standing in the kitchen. It was barely past seven and Yifan was surprised to discover Sehun fiddling with the kettle.

“Hyung!” He exclaimed when he looked up, surprised. “Did you sleep here?!”

“Ah... yeah, I drank a bit too much yesterday...” His eyes were looking everywhere but at Sehun, and the younger man quickly caught on.

“Are you going home now?” He asked.

“Yeah, just, I can't remember where I let my jacket yesterday...”

“There's one just there.” Sehun gestured at a chair in the kitchen, and Yifan approached, recognizing the garment as his.

“Ah right, this is the one.” He moved closer to retrieve it only to see exactly what the younger man was doing. He was making breakfast. For two. His heart sank, and he looked up at Sehun, troubled. It was only then that he realized that the other was half , sweatpants so low on his hips that he knew he had no underwear, his lips dry and his hair thoroughly disheveled.

“I'm leaving.” He said, a second too late. “See you.”

“Hyung.” And at that, Yifan turned around, meeting Sehun's gaze.“Maybe you shouldn't contact Tao for a few days.... I am staying over until Wednesday...” It came out as an advice, but it sounded as a warning in his ears, as if he no longer was allowed a place beside Tao.

Once Yifan was out and in his car, he let his head fall on the wheel. He did not know what to feel. Part of him was mortified, guilty, and the rest was angered, furious even. First he had cheated on his girlfriend, and he had no idea how to announced her that, but he knew he could never lie to her. His conscience would not let him. Second it had only proven him what he somehow dreaded the most. That all of these weird feelings and tugs in his chest were not a twisted game that his brain had decided to play, but something real and dangerous, an attraction to men he never accepted he could have. And it had felt good, so good, as if he could abandon himself in the pleasure and let it control him instead of being the one directing it. He wanted to throw up.

Sehun last comment also confused him greatly, and if he was honest with himself, he knew it was the reason for his inner fury. His insides were boiling, because Sehun had no right over Tao, did he? But most importantly, had they ed? Everything screamed at him that they did, and this annoyed him more than he could comprehend. How many times? And for how long? Tao was flawless, he was pure and beautiful, and he could not accept him to be tainted by dirty hands. Somehow he felt betrayed, seeing Tao going after someone else other than him, and maybe that was what hurt the most. Tan-Mi's face appeared back in his mind, and once again guilt engulfed him. She should be at work now, he thought, checking his watch, and finally proceeding to go back home. He needed a shower, and he hoped it would clear his thoughts.

*.*.*

When he arrived at his apartment, Yifan was not expecting Tan-Mi to be waiting for him on the couch. The slight worry on her eyebrows disappeared when she checked him out, probably deeming nothing bad had really happened. She did not stood up to greet him though, and he did not close the distance between them either. He felt frozen in his place, half on his way to have his shoes off.

“You could have text me.” She said curtly.

“I, I..” He stuttered. “You're not at work?” Yifan was a bad liar, and he knew it.

“I called to say I would be late.” She answered, her tone still accusatory. “How was the after party? Did you have fun?” She asked, moving closer to him as he finished taking his shoes off.

“It was nice... I had great time...”

“You know you reek of alcohol.” Her face was scrunched up in a disapproving frown, and the apology was quick to fall off his lips.

“Yeah, sorry for that.” He could not muster in the usual words he added when he talked to her, as if calling her love or babe would be another insult thrown at her face.

“Yifan.” She said, and her tone was suddenly blank, weirdly emotionless. “What's that?”

She was pointing at his shirt, and Yifan looked down, realizing with horror that the dry come stood out on the baby blue fabric.

“Ahm, Hmm, it's...” He stammered.

“Yifan.” She repeated. “We both know you've been avoiding looking at me since you entered.” At this moment, she felt very distant, and he could not be any more guilty. “Did something happen?” She asked. “And look at me when you answer.”

He was slow to meet her eyes, but when he did, he saw the mix of emotions on her pretty face. He was going to break her, he was going to be the same kind of man his father was, and he wanted to die for having to say what he was going to admit.

“Yes.” He answered briefly, and he saw the hurt pass through her as if he had just shot her. He felt more than he saw her fists tighten in quiet rage, and something told him it was already too late.

“Did you cheat on me?” He felt so small against her strong gaze, and he nodded weakly. “With who?” She continued. And he still could not lie, he owed her the truth because in spite of everything, he loved her, and at the end of the day, she was the one that understood him better than anyone.

“Baekhyun.” He whispered, and he watched her pretty eyes go round with surprise, her eyebrows drawing these perfect arcs on her face, and her voice sounded more than incredulous when she whispered back. “You slept with him?!” And he remembered her difficulty to understand homouality.

“Not really” He answered, watching the colors leave her face. “More like s.” He was suddenly feeling very detached – that was a subject he had given up trying to convince her about, they had different views, and now that he thought about it, maybe it was the reason why he was currently in the process of accepting his own new desires. What he was truly afraid of was not to be attracted to men as well as women, what he was afraid of was that it changed his view of himself and of what he wanted to be.

She turned around abruptly, walking in long strides until she had her bag on her shoulder. “I going to work.” She said, moving past Yifan to put her shoes on. When she stood up and looked at him, she seemed exhausted, as if she had spent a bad night, and Yifan wondered if she had woken up with a bad feeling, already knowing deep inside what had happened.

“Maybe you should leave for a few days.” She said. “I can't see your face right now.” And Yifan knew she was about to cry, he knew, also, that she would never do it in front of him, she was too strong and prideful for that and he felt bad, but he could not say sorry, because they both knew he had promise her to never hurt her, but it had not been enough. They knew he had not given in the other man's advances, they both knew he had been the one willingly responding, the one consciously cheating on her, and despite his love for her, he had done it anyways, knowing it would shatter everything. Yifan was not done growing, he was not done learning about himself. He knew it was selfish to be so self-centered, but he loved her for the attention she gave him, for the admiration she had for him, and for worshiping the ground he walked on. She was important to him in the sense that she understood him, and fulfilled his needs. He loved her energy, and she was a real support in his life. But all of that seemed so futile when weighed against the desire to know more about himself and his possibilities, and to grow from that. He was a real , and he knew he had hurt her.

And deep inside, he knew that he was more of his father's son than he would ever admit.

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Thank you for reading !!! :D