I’ve read some science book when I was in my junior high school about outer space. I was so amazed by the beauty and wonders of it, I still am. How everything is held by the space, the galaxy. It was so strong and elegant. So mighty and powerful, no wonder I put ‘Galaxy’ on my IG username.

I don’t know, I just… There’s a comfortable sensation when I think about galaxy. I feel like I’m the galaxy. Holding my members in my arms, protecting yet disciplining them, having fun with them and all, well I am the leader (well co-leader perhaps… Junmyeon-eomma won’t like it if I keep saying that).

It is my job to be their pillar of strength alongside with my partner, Junmyeon.

 

Speaking of Junmyeon…

 

I…

I don’t think I could look at him in the eyes. I don’t think I could look at everyone’s eyes after what I’ve done.

 

 

 

 

“Hyung…”

 

Don’t..

 

I looked up from I was seated in our dorm’s couch. Eyes staring blankly ahead at the muted television, I don’t even realize when did I turn that thing on.  I looked up at Jongdae’s eyes, somewhat I feel they turned cold and judging this moment.

“Is it true?”

There is no Kris with the infamous cold, and y face. There’s only a simple Wu Yifan sitting in the middle of EXO’s dorm.

I smiled weakly at him. My fingers are still laced together in front of my chest. Surprisingly my breaths are steady. I wonder if this is what I really want.

 

“What is?”

 

“Don’t play dumb with me you bastard, you know what I mean”

 

Of course I do Jongdae-ah. I just keep my dummy hyung act for you. Aren’t I always looked like that to you all? It was fun really, it is fun.

 

“What do you think ChenChen? Care to share what’s in your mind?”

 

I see his brows furrowed in annoyance and his lips pressed into a thin line. Yeah, I crossed over our boundaries. I just step on his sensitive button, I’m a fool right? I couldn’t help it though.

 

“Oh I tell you what’s in my mind,” he raised his phone in front of my face so I can see what he has been reading. I can see he’s clenching his phone tightly, I really hope he wouldn’t. He loves his phone so much.

“I came back from my vocal practice with the other vocal lines. I was hoping I could go home, take a nice warm shower, eat some ice cream, plopped myself on the couch and watched God knows what’s there on the TV and whine to you of how my throat is sored because I push myself too far because you’re just lying here on the couch so comfortably but then I checked my phone and I get this…instead? Do you even have the slightest idea!? Of how much we’ve been in this together for 2 ing years!? Do you even consider our feelings!? We’ve been working so hard to get on to this stage and you─! You, Hyung, you ruined everything!!”

I flinched lightly at his harsh words. But I’m more concerned with his throat. Didn’t he say it was sore? I really hope you won’t push yourself too far, Jongdae-ah. We can’t risk losing one of our best Vocal Lines. Exo needs you more than they need me.

“Jongdae-ah, don’t shout. Your throat needs─”

“ IT!! Just─ God why are you so stupid you idiotic giant!”

“Jongdae-ah─”

Before I could even touch his arm, he stomped his way to his room and slams his bedroom door. I swear I saw his eyes turns red when he cursed at me.

I sighed as I run my fingers through my hair. I grasp them gently in between my fingers then I fisted them hard enough to get me a headache. I really didn’t mean to make him angry─

 

“Yifan-ge?”

 

Not again.

I recognize that voice anywhere, it’s Yixing’s. I hear sets of footsteps coming right at where I am sat. I don’t dare to look up because I know the other set of footsteps belongs to our EXO-M magnae.

I don’t dare to look. I want to shut my hearings out because Yixing has soothing voice that can make anyone cry. And I don’t dare to look into Tao’s eyes because I’m scared of what I might see in that infamous cute Panda eyes.

I hear clothes shuffling in front of me and then there’s hand on my shoulder, gripping it tightly yet gently.

 

“Yifan-gege… are you… serious?”

 

I can hear Tao’s breath getting harsher and I could imagine his angry and disappointed face along with his tears running on his face.

I stay quiet for a moment before I manage a nod as a final answer to Yixing.

I can feel Yixing goes still for seconds before he sighed softly and put his arms around my neck. He pulled my head into his chest, cradling it gently while patting my head like a mother would.

 

Please don’t… I need to stay strong

 

I don’t want Yixing to hug me, I reall don’t. Because I know there will be the familiar burning sensation behind my eyelids and I couldn’t fight it. Not in situation like this. I… I have to be strong, for…

 

…for…I don’t know for whose sake.

 

. Don’t make my brain running wild in confusion and fear.

 

“I’ll always have your back, Wu Yifan” he whisper into my mane.

 

And with that, Yixing sigh again before letting me go. I hope not forever…

Heavy silence creep in the room after Yixing leave them.

 

“…I hate you Ge,”

 

Yes.. please just hate me

 

“ I hate y-you so much,” there’s a crack in his soft voice.

 

Yes, just hate me. Please, if that makes you feel better, just hate me. Please Zitao

 

“I HATE YOU GE! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!! Just… just go! Leave! See if I care!!”

 

I would love to Tao, but my heart.. I don’t even know what my heart wants. I don’t know what to think right now, I’m so confused Tao.

I don’t realize I was hugged by Minseok-hyung and Luhan. I hear them whispering comforting words into my ears. I can feel Luhan’s smaller hands clutching my back in a desperate way. I never realize Luhan cared so much about me until now. I can even feel his tears soaking through my shirt.

I try to hug them back but all I feel is numb. My head is throbbing in a dull pain I dislike so much. My mind is running everywhere and nowhere. My eyes are shut close as Minseok-hyung enveloped me in his embrace. I couldn’t really comprehend what they’re whispering to me. But I could make out a few words it’s ok…here for you…will be fine, brother…strong… please….

I find myself nodding along with their words. That’s all I can do for that day. I ignore my hunger, I ignore my need of bath, my need to put on some BB cream and everything I usually do.

 

 

 

 

 

I can only sit here.

 

 

 

Vaguely I hear EXO-K is now performing Overdose on TV.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…congratulations for EXO 3^rd winning for their newest mini album ‘Overdose’─!!”

 

“Hyung.. tell me this is only a hoax”

 

Kyungsoo stare at their youngest member in pity and sadness while trying to hug the magnae. But Sehun always bats them away and glared at him.

 

“This is just a joke right!?”

 

“Sehun..”

 

“No! Kris-hyung will never do this!We’re always be 12! He promised! He..h-he said that ‘We Are One’, he even have that padlock of our slogan! It’s a forever promise hyung─!”

 

“Sehun... I’m sorry sweetheart but I don’t know. I won’t believe anything until Kris says it himself. Please stop being like this Sehun. You’re going to hurt yourself─”

 

“I don’t care! Junmyeon-hyung is out there on the stage alone with no one else beside him! He stands alone right now and there’s…there’s no…”

 

Kyungsoo hurriedly grabs Sehun’s arm and waist before the younger could drop painfully to the floor. Resulting he’s taken along with the magnae because Sehun’s bigger and taller than him. He hugs Sehun close to him while reassuring himself that their Duizhang is somewhere in China pulling their legs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Jongin!”

 

“No! Just leave me alone hyung!”
 

“Jongin don’t act so rush, you’ll only hurt─”

 

“I don’t care!! I need to know this from him and you know you need this too! Stopping me won’t do any good to you anyway,”

 

The red haired male sigh before he let Jongin’s arm slip away from his grasp. He’s not going to deny it. He needs to know it from his Twin. His matching tower, his role model, his everything.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

This backstabbing─

 

 

No 

 

 

He shakes his head and covers his face to prevent anyone see him cry in silent.

Kris won’t ever do it. He won’t! He won’t…he… he won’t… please let this be a nightmare then he will be forever grateful.  They’re still crawling in baby steps, their journey has just begun, it’s too early for giving up that’s what he want to say to Kris.

But he couldn’t.

It hurts too much. The pain, the memories, everything.

He’s not sure if he want to talk to Kris right now without choking and croaking and sobbing.

His knees go weak. He slips down to the floor slowly as a heart wrenching sob come out from his mouth.

 

“Kris-hyung…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Kris-hyung?”

“……”

“Hyung, I know you’re there”

 

“ *sigh* Jongin, you’re not supposed to call me”

 

“Why? Why can’t I? You’re our leader, why can’t I can seek for my own leader?”

 

“ Jongin.. that’s not what I meant,”

 

“Then what??”

 

“I was just saying you’re supposed to be with the others, and how could you leave Junmyeon alone on that stage?”

 

Jongin is baffled by his hyung’s question. He fists his hands because he doesn’t know what to do to lash out his anger and disappointment. It must’ve shown in his voice,

 

“How could we? How could we?? How could YOU! You’re the one who make this happen!”

 

“Jongin─”

 

“You’re the one who makes us leave him on that stage alone! He said he got this so he left us on the backstage while he take over things because he doesn’t want to disappoint our fans and you still have the balls to say ‘how could we’??? Hyung what is wrong with you!?”

 

“……”

 

Jongin does not realize he’s on the verge of crying his eyes out. He may not have the best terms with Kris, but still…

Losing one of your bandmates, your brother, your friend?

 

Jongin is sniffing softly at this moment, he inhaled deeply.

 

“Hyung.. you’re not serious right? Please hyung.. please don't leave.. please just.. I-I'll treat you lots of chicken! A-and I'll help you with dance practice all the time! You can dance with me as The Dancing Machine 2! I-I.. don't go hyung...w-we need you Hyung.. I need you.. Junmyeon-hyung needs his partner, Tao-hyung needs his brother, Chanyeol-hyung needs his Dragon Emperor─"

 

“Sshh.. Jongin, it’s alright,”

 

“No it’s not alright hyung. EXO won’t be the same anymore without you, without anyone. We’re 12! We’re always be one and forever will! This is really not your style hyung,”

 

He can hear Kris laugh on the other line.

 

“Not my style huh… and crying is not your style either Jongin. So stop it,”

 

Jongin laugh along at this. They both know it’s a lie because crying and Jongin fits together. Kris was even there to comfort him when they receive another award. He remember Duizhang’s long arm wrapped around his shoulder, pat him and side-hug him without saying a word. He knows the Chinese Leader knows.

He wipe away his tears, “You better promise that you won’t leave us,”

He smiled tightly when he hear the older chuckle nervously, “Maybe next time kid,”

 

“Tch..stupid hyung with galaxy fantasies─,”

 

“Jongin give me your phone! Yah! Neo pabbo namja! How dare you?!”

 

“Baekhyun-ah?”

 

“No, your grandmother. Of course it’s me! I’m the one and only Byun Baekhyun! Now listen here you mister, if you dare to leave us here, if you ever dare to leave Junmyeon-hyung to take care of us alone, I will personally come to you and make you live a living hell! You hear me!?”

 

“Baekhyun, remember your throat─”

 

“Like hell I care!! All I care right now is that Sehun’s a big crybaby with an ugly face because of you! Chanyeol won’t even say anything! He keeps ranting your stupid name out of his mouth and now Junmyeon-hyung is crying alone in God knows where! You better do something mister because I’m so going to drag your right now,”

 

“Alright, alright calm down. And no cursing in front of the young member, geez”

 

Jongin is too shocked to say anything. He never seen Baekhyun’s face so red and yeah… now he has the chance to see Baekhyun’s veins slowly crawling up on the singer’s neck. Pretty creepy, he shudders at that image.

Baekhyun is still getting his breath back in his lungs because he almost said everything in one intake.  Cruse Kris and his stupid lawsuit thing.

 

“Make sure you keep checking your IG because I’m so going to unfollow you if you leave us,”

 

“Sure.. Baekhyun-ah?”

 

“Mwoya? Eager for another round of ear-biting words?”

 

He can’t help to make snarky remarks, he knows Kris enjoys it too.

 

“Well, no. I just want to say thank you and… can you give the phone to Junmyeon?”

 

The short singer snort but then he smile in relief yet anxiety because Kris’ answer does not explain everything. Not that he give the leader a chance to do it anyway. But he still can’t shake off the hollowly feeling in his chest.

 

 

“Sure, hold on a minute”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Junmyeon?”

 

“Yifan…?”

 

“ *sigh* Thank God, listen Junmyeon.. I─”

 

“Is it true Yifan? Are you going to...leave me? Leave us?”

 

“……”

Junmyeon sigh shakily, “Yifan, you’re just─ You just can’t leave like this. Do you know you’ve been putting everyone in trouble? Do you even realize how irresponsible this act of yours?”

 

“…I know, Junmyeon. I know,”

 

The Korean Leader frowns sadly, “Then why? You promised we will always stick together. We’re going to take care of the kids together. Why this?”

 

 

 

I wish I can answer that, too.

 

I’m confused too.

 

I don’t know if I did the right thing.

 

I just want things goes alright.

For my members’ sake, my family, my fans, myself.

 

“Junmyeon, be honest with me…”

 

 

I’m afraid too.

 

 

I’m lost.

 

 

 

“If I am to leave, would you still consider me as a part of the family? The Appa of Exo?”

 

 

I don’t know if I have made the right decision…

 

 

“W-what? Yifan stop fooling around!”

 

 

 

 

…leaving you guys was never in the option…

 

 

 

 

“I’m not, Junmyeon. If I am to leave, would you still…?”

 

 

 

 

…but if have to make the decision, whatever the decision, would you guys still respect me as your Duizhang?

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry I’m so irresponsible for my action. I’m doing what I have to, my heart… I can’t.. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you all. I’m such a failure huh?”

 

“Yifan, don’t say that. Yes you are irresponsible but you’re not a failure. It’s just a hard step that we have to take, we can do this together”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will you still consider me, my existence, every memories we all have shared together…whatever the decision will be?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m lost.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know…

 

My head hurts.

 

 

My heart aches.

 

My tears keep flowing.

 

 

Galaxy…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…it is made to take care its stars. Protect them from any harm.

 

But does it really has done the right thing?

 

Does it really made for this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you still consider me as your family?

 

 

 

 

Little by little I’m slipping because of fear and uncertainty…

 

 

…I’m scared.