All those years, Chanyeol had loved him with all his heart.

All those years, he hadn’t noticed.

Chanyeol had never been good with words. In fact, he was terrible. He messed them up as he spoke, he stuttered and used them wrong. But the worst thing was, he never properly expressed himself.

So when he met Baekhyun, he had fallen face first in love, or at least he had when he realized what love was and how it felt. It wasn’t that kind of love that burned for two weeks then disappeared. It was a smaller flame, but a flame that continued to burn a hole through Chanyeol’s heart like a paper lit on fire. And all that remained, was the ashes of his pained feelings. But like a phoenix, his heart rose from them, and gave the flame more fuel. This continued for a couple of years. And Chanyeol knew that his time was running out.

Since Chanyeol was a kid, he wasn’t the strongest. He wasn’t the loudest. He wasn’t the funniest. Everyone knew that even though Chanyeol was tall, he didn’t say much. And this didn’t give him many friends. Because he knew that he wouldn’t last long. Maybe that was why he kept quiet. To keep people away. In the end, it wasn’t just something he did on purpose, but something that became a part of him. Chanyeol never became good with words. Ever since he could remember, he had always distanced himself. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe it wasn't. But ulitmately, the pros outweighed the cons, he decided. He preferred going out with a poof rather with a boom, and if people noticed him and became friends with him, his whispering leave would turn into a scream.

Through elementary and middle school, Chanyeol didn't really friends. He buried himself in books and whatever readable he could find, climbing trees to read in peace during the recesses. In the end, he thought, that was all he needed. But then, as he entered high school, Baekhyun came around.

Baekhyun was everything Chanyeol wasn’t. He was funny and bubbly. He was innocent, yet mischievous. He was loud, yet good with words. He was everything Chanyeol wanted to be, but failed miserably at being. He was everything. So why Baekhyun chose him as his best friend, Chanyeol couldn’t understand.

At first, he had pushed Baekhyun away. Told him to leave. No one could be around Chanyeol. Less to miss, was his philosophy. Less to miss, less to regret. But Baekhyun had been persistent. He had followed Chanyeol home. To work. When he walked his dog. When he went grocery shopping. And Chanyeol couldn’t understand it. Baekhyun was popular – no doubt about that. He was everything girls wanted, and everything guys wanted to be. He had perfect looks – milky white skin, big, sparkly eyes, a friendly face and handsome features. He already had everything, and Chanyeol had nothing to give him. Well, unless Baekhyun wanted awkward moments of silence. Chanyeol was certainly good with those. But despite his close-to-none attempts of any sort of effort towards Baekhyun’s friendship with him, Baekhyun still stayed. And he couldn’t believe it. Because the other boy could have anything – anyone – he wanted. But he still chose Chanyeol. And maybe it was this realization that made Chanyeol slowly fall in love with him.

He didn’t know exactly when he stared loving Baekhyun. It wasn’t at first at least – he refused to bind himself to anyone. Commitment wasn’t to be found in his vocabulary. But he still found himself slowly falling, despite his efforts to stay cold towards everyone.

And he figured that even though he didn’t know when he started loving Baekhyun, it might have been during the freezing cold, grey winters when they shared a blanket and two cups of hot chocolate. It might have been during the deadly hot summers, where Baekhyun would lose his ice cream on the ground, and end up eating Chanyeol’s instead.

But not knowing was fine by Chanyeol. It was a lot of things he didn’t know, and a lot of this he would never know either. Most things, Baekhyun would know in the end – some things that Chanyeol knew about, and heaps of things he didn’t.

That was one of the nice things about knowing the few things Chanyeol did – he accepted wholeheartedly.

The fourth year Chanyeol and Baekhyun knew each other, the time drew closer for Chanyeol. 

But even though he accepted everything he had known since childhood, his love for Baekhyun still burned a hole through his heart, like his bones had caught a fever. And he continued to feel this way, every day. Every time as they studied together, played around together, did fun things together.

And as though he knew nothing would ever happen, he didn’t ever regret falling in love. He had never known the bonds that could form between humans until he met Baekhyun. Every week, every day, every minute – they all became precious to him. Baekhyun had showed Chanyeol a whole new world, just behind his door. He hadn’t known neither kindness, love or anything like that until Baekhyun came around. He was everything that mattered for now.

They had met in a meadow of flowers the day before the entrance-ceremony at their school. It had been a warm afternoon, with a clear, blue, sky and birds chirping. Chanyeol had been leisurely strumming his guitar under a big Cherry blossom-tree, slowly letting various, random tones float through the silent air around him, colouring it like it was a painting. Baekhyun on the other side, had been a mildly confused transfer-student. As they met in the meadow, Chanyeol had helped him finding the right way to school, and ever since Baekhyun had insisted on the two of them being best friends.

When Chanyeol had thought back on it, he wondered what would’ve happened if he had ignored the confused boy walking in completely wrong directions. Maybe he would still be cold, ignorant to the world. Maybe he would be more comfortable with his future. Maybe he would be better prepared. Maybe his eyes would still be closed, as well as his mouth. Maybe all the words he wanted to say, would still be stuck in his throat.

Well, half of them, the most important ones, were still that though. He couldn’t bring himself to say them – he was so afraid to lose.

Baekhyun – that wonderful person – had taught Chanyeol how to properly speak. How to not stutter, how to find the right words. Beautiful words for everything except what Chanyeol really wanted to say.

Because Baekhyun had understood that Chanyeol wasn’t a very talkative person soon after they met. But he didn’t let it stop him. And Chanyeol had fallen for it.

He fell for that, just as much as he fell for his laugh. His jokes. His actions. As Chanyeol fell for him. He had loved Baekhyun for four straight years. He had wanted to hold him so many times, telling him how much he loved him. He had wanted to hug him tight, whispering into his ear how much he meant to him, while cuddling into the crook of his neck and then falling asleep to the sound of their synchronized breathing. He had wanted to scream to the whole world that Baekhyun was his and his only, but that would be a lie. Baekhyun was loaned out to Chanyeol for a limited time only, and Chanyeol knew that too well.

So maybe it was a good thing that he wasn’t good with words. Maybe it was a good thing that every time he wanted to tell Baekhyun how he felt, his words became stuck in his throat. At least, Baekhyun wouldn’t run away from him. At least he would have Baekhyun until the very end.

The very end.

It was November 27^th when Baekhyun knocked on the door to Chanyeol’s house. It was Chanyeol’s birthday, and Baekhyun had decided that this would be the day. This would be the day he would tell Chanyeol.

But no one opened. It was quite unexpected, as someone in the Park-household always came running, whether it was parents, siblings or Chanyeol himself. But this time, he had to knock three times before the door opened. And Chanyeol’s teary-eyed mother met him.

“Oh, Baekhyun-ah!” she exclaimed and hugged him. Baekhyun shook his head confused, and patted the head of Mrs Park gently.

“What is wrong?” he asked.

And for a while, it was all silent. He could see the eyes of Mrs Park widening, as she realized Baekhyun never knew. She sniffled, and then went into the kitchen to get something. After half a minute, she came out again. In her hands, she held a small, red box with a golden ribbon.

“He… he wanted you to have this,” she said and held the package forward for Baekhyun to take it. Baekhyun cocked his head slightly. Chanyeol wanted him to have this. What did she mean? Had Chanyeol gone somewhere? Even without telling Baekhyun? Then he would certainly feel betrayed.

-

Baekhyun had acted casually in front of Chanyeol’s mother, but as soon as he came home, he opened the box from Chanyeol. What kind of birthday was this for him? It was Baekhyun who was supposed to give something, and not the other way around.

In the box, it was nothing but white cotton lain beautifully at the bottom, with a single dvd on the top of it. On the dvd, written with a black marker in big letters, it said “For my dear Baekhyun. Please do watch”. And it really confused Baekhyun. Chanyeol never said please. And he certainly never wrote it. But it was Chanyeol’s messy writing all right. So Baekhyun figured that it was important, and put it in his dvd-player as fast as he could.

His tv was black for a couple of seconds, before a big picture of Chanyeol lit up the screen. He tapped the camera-lens a couple of times, and then sat down in a chair. Baekhyun recognized the room – it was Chanyeol’s own. But this only made him more confused. What was all this? And where was the real Chanyeol?

“Hello, hello? Is thing on? Oh, there,” his voice floated through the speakers on the tv, linking the pictures and sound. “Well… I guess, hey, Baekhyun. If you are seeing this, then I just want to say that I am very sorry. You are the best, more fantastic person in the whole world, and you are so precious to me. And before you start asking – yes, I wrote all of this myself. For once, I want my words to tell you what I want them to.

And to start things off – I’m so sorry Baekhyun. I am so happy, I feel so lucky to have someone like you. But I haven’t been completely honest with you. Remember that time when we talked about tumours the second year we knew each other? I pretended I didn’t know about it, just so I could hear your amazing voice tell me what it was. The doctors have explained to me exactly what it is a thousand times already, but I wanted your voice to say it. At least, you know what it is, so I won’t have to explain it.

Actually, I have a tumour growing in my head. And it’s growing too close to one of the most important parts of my brain or whatever. I didn’t really follow when my doctor told me. Anyways – there is no way to get it out. Which means that I only have a limited time to live, and the light in my eyes can be blown out any second. I was only given a certain amount of time Baekkie, and I am sorry for not telling you.

Well, I guess you know where this is going already. Just know that I want blue flowers. I think that blue is the most beautiful. So… yeah, over to the main thing.” At this point, he sat still for a few seconds, moving a little bit uneasy and breathing in deeply. It was like he was mustering up the courage to say something. But Baekhyun didn’t care about that, because he knew where this was going already. And the tears, which only had been held back by confusion up until now, started to seriously form in the corner of his eyes.

“Baekkie, I was never able to properly tell you. I really wanted to, all the four years we knew each other. But I was… afraid, I guess. Anyways. Byun Baekhyun, I love you. With all my heart. Forever, and ever, until the end. Even after my heart has stopped beating, even after I am put in the ground. Baekhyun, you have become my reason for living. And I am so sorry I never got to tell you. Goodbye, Baekkie. I’ll miss you. Please move forward, without me slowing you down. Please find someone to love, like I love you. But most importantly – please don’t forget about me. Because even though I’m watching from above, I’ll still love you.” In the end, the tears streamed down uncontrollably on both of the boys cheeks. On the video, and in real life.

But Baekhyun couldn’t - and wouldn't - believe it, even though he rewatched the movie a dozen times, hearing the exact same words over and over. So he called Mrs Park. He called the hospital. He called his parents. He called Chanyeol again and again, just to listen to the soft, deep tone of his voice say “I’m not here at the moment, but please leave a message and I’ll call you back!”. But no one could give him the real Chanyeol. The real Chanyeol wasn’t there anymore. No one would ever call him back again.

Baekhyun cursed himself for not having enough courage to tell Chanyeol before. And Baekhyun cursed Chanyeol for leaving him so early. Because ever since that day in the meadow four years ago, ever since the beautiful sounds of the guitar reached him through the air and the tall boy had helped him find his way to school, Baekhyun had loved Chanyeol. 

And in the end, Baekhyun cursed this day. The 27^th of November, Chanyeol’s birthday, for ever happening. This was supposed to be the day Baekhyun was going to tell Chanyeol that he loved him. This was supposed to be their first day of forever, and not their last day.