©RSonata 2014

[Shin Hae Hee]

I lived a ed up life ever since I could remember and during those times I was already aware of the harsh reality the world would offer. My parents practically forgot that I existed the time when I stepped in my last years of elementary. They became work-a-holics, only minding the business that was traditionally passed onto the family for generations and just paid extra attention to my sister who was seven years younger than me. But I didn’t complain, I never did, because I knew they had to take care of my sister who had yet to know about this world. But even when I asked for their help from time to time, asked them to accompany me in school meetings and family meets, but they never gave me the attention I crave and begged for. Rage and jealousy enveloped me, I hated my sister, put the entire blame on her existence because she was now the apple of the eye of the family. School taught me that every parent love their children equally and I know that I’m being unfair to my sister and she didn’t deserve my hatred, but it still didn’t lessen the loneliness I feel so I focused on my school, my studies and my friends whom I thought were all true and loyal, but I knew better.

I knew that those people around me only tried to be by my side because I can give them anything simply in exchange for their company. They knew I was born with a powerful name, an influential legacy and can satisfy their curiosity about adventure, even at a young age. But even then I still turned a blind eye on those who took advantage of my vulnerability and desperateness.

Then one day, I just snapped. I’m sick and tired of being a pathetic sheltered princess. I’m so sick of myself for depending on others and keep on seeking their help. I’m so sick of myself for still dreaming a miracle would happen and give me my happy ending. I’m just so sick of being me. And so I stood. I stood proud and tall and intimidating and independent. I pushed my weak self to the most bottom part of my being, locking away all the pain and completely numbing myself from the whole world. I vowed I would not allow the world to glimpse at my pathetic side ever again, not even a peak.

I knew then I could not lock away the humanity in me, but I kept placing emotions on my face to a minimum. So I decided to rebel. The time when I went to high school, my personality took a 36o degree turn. People who knew me begun to look at me indifferently, and those who don’t would judged me from afar, completely misunderstanding my every move. It was also then when I built my own gang along with some of my guy classmates during my elementary days. I may come uncaring and aloof towards others who personally don’t care to know me, but my gang-mates respected me enough to entrust the leadership of the gang to me. We didn’t do bloodbaths back then, just the simple threats to those who wanted to harm people from our school, drag racing used as a form of rank system for us and the other gangs. You would’ve not believed the amount of wannabe gangs back then and the strong and concrete ones that our town has hidden under the moonlight.

It continued to be like that for three more years. I don’t even acknowledge the term love that was quite famous among teenagers my age those times. I had my dose of boyfriends, but I’ve never been serious with them to the point where I would tell them those three words that at generations like this, would be unimportant enough to just throw it over anywhere. For a lost soul like me, Love between opposite es is insignificant, unimportant, and inconsequential. I still continued on. I wanted to see people suffer, I wanted to see the pain and fear of rejection reflect through their eyes, I want them to writhe and beg for the ache to go away.

I became the black sheep of the family. A disgrace. A stain on their precious name. But I don’t care anymore. As long as I ride away this pain. As long as I can feel higher and stronger than anyone else. I was a mess, and I never once allowed anyone to enter my life again. Until I met four girls who bared themselves infront of me, for me to understand them, for me to embrace their pain.

Here was Jinnie, Choi SeoJin to everyone who knew her and her family. Born like me, from a powerful family, a family whom she loves dearly enough to forget who she really is and be a puppet for her mother’s commands. She had everything then, a loving father and mother, a brother whom idolize her in every way, until fate decided to ruin her, break her, tore her to pieces. Death had separated her from her first prince, her dad who was her protector, her motivator and every perfect thing that she has vanished into thin air. Her mother drowned in depression, and buried herself into stacks of work after the loss, her younger brother who had yet to understand the world was left defending for himself and she who was broken, has been left with nothingness. Her hands was tied from then on, she became a mere puppet with no life. She was vulnerable, unable to fight back when the world turned its back to her. She was weak then. Unlike me who, when the world ed up my life, I ed back, hard.

Then there was Nam, the ever shy Park Nam Eun who ever did was to shy away from the world and hide herself from people who wanted to reach out to her. Nam who was also sheltered her whole life who didn’t know anything about the harsh world and always ended up crying by the end of the day. Nam who just recently discovered her sadist side, her vainness, and laid-blackness’ and bluntness yet still remained in her that reservedness that only she can have, and threw everything to the air.

And in came Ai, Han Ai Tae the ever faced princess. Another puppet for her parents social standing, someone who grew up in the long line of politicians. Someone who’ve been too exposed to the brightest and darkest sides of politics and society and was forced to be someone who is far from who she really is. Brought up as a fine lady, a prim and proper princess of the Hans, dolled up and programmed to follow every order and command her family asks of her. Who would’ve thought that under that innocent face lies a very bitter and childish individual.

Last is our group’s angel, SeoYeon. Seo Yeon Young, the most innocent among us all. Ai’s childhood friend and also a political princess. Like Nam Eun, she lived a sheltered existence all her life. Our group’s doll, our maknae and our sunshine. She was all rainbows and bubbles until that day when her life was targeted along with Ai’s and she was introduced to our harsh and unfair world. As much as possible, we would like her to remain untainted, un-harmed and innocent as she continues to be our light after and sanity in battle after battle.

All my life I’ve been living behind the shadow of my parent’s success. People would expect great things from me only to be brought down immediately. I’ve been compared to many people that haven’t even done half of what I can really do. I’ve been put down many times than I could count but I’ve endured it all. Bottled up every pain inside me and screwed shut with a cork. It hurts to see other people smile at you when you’re around yet talk behind your back all the time. It’s tiring. Wishing that someday people would come to understand what you’ve been through.

I’ve been running away all my life to these complications. To my own feelings. To the anger and pain inside me that I just keep bottled up. But now I know there are people who need me. The REAL me. And I’m not going to back down from this hell of a life to save them even if it means baring myself for the world to see.