April 20, 2008

I am unsure if what we are doing is okay.

We met at a college party hosted by our close friends. We were just strangers and nothing more. It was our first meeting, you didn’t know who I was yet I knew who you were from the moment you walked in. 
We were only 21 at that time, innocent and pure. We were stupid.

"Hey, my name is Luhan."

You were charming and handsome. Everything a girl would want in a guy. Everyone seem to know who you were, yet you chose to talk to me. It made me feel a spark of joy. Was I already charmed by then?

"Mine is Minseok", I simply replied. We talked for awhile. You made me laugh and smile genuinely. Maybe that was why I fell for you so deeply.

That night you treated me as if we were lovers. You brought me back to your home. We were both still sober, yet you said you trusted me. You said that you wanted to try something different. That night all we did was fill the room with our names passionately even though it was our first. I didn't know if what we were doing was right, but I went with it suspecting it as one-night affair.

"M-Minseok", you whispered in my ear.

Your voice as if honey. Maybe this was what made me fall for you even more. A one night counter yet you stole my body and heart in one go.

April 21, 2008

I woke up, I am still unsure.

I was the first to wake up. Your arms were around me. I felt safe under your hold. I wanted to enjoy this moment a bit longer, but even I know this moment could not last. All I could do was move your hands trying to not wake you up. When I got out of bed, I stared at your body in bed. You were like a sculpture sculpted by god himself, it made me jealous. If only I was a girl, maybe we could have been off on a good start. 

I got dress quickly and silently trying not to wake you up. As I looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall above. It was 5:30 AM, I wanted a small gift before I go. I walked towards you. I leaned in for a small peck on your face. 

"Goodbye", I whispered. 

That night we were brought together yet at morning we departed.

April 26, 2008

I am unsure of why you are in front of me right now.

I saw you outside of the classroom, it seemed as if you were waiting for someone. It was my first time seeing you again after our one-night affair. I had thought you have forgotten who I was already, yet when I walked out of the classroom, I was stopped by you. You had a face that was a mix of confusion and anger. You grabbed my wrist and dragged me outside. I just stayed silent, hoping that we didn't make a scene. You dragged me to your place once again, as we enter you plopped me down on your bed. You just stood there, silent and confused. 

"Why did you leave?", you asked. I didn't expect you to ask that. I fidgeted at your question as I stared down the ground. Before I could reply you brought me into a crushing hug. I tried to push you off but my efforts were useless.

"I kept thinking about you after that night", you whispered, stopping my struggle.

Stop. I wanted you to stop. Your words please stop them. You make me love you more and more.

"I still remember your name, Minseok", your words seeped into my skin. 

"And I remember yours as well, Luhan", I replied. Before anything else mattered you had lean in to steal, a simple kiss. It was different than the one we share a few nights ago, but I didn’t hate it. I loved it. As the kiss process in to something more, your hands exploring every parts of my body. I craved more of your touch. Not from just your hands but also from your lips. 

“I think I might have fallen for you”, you softly mumbled into my ears. I didn’t want to answer or reply to your statement. I was happy full of joy, yet why do those words hurt my heart so bad?

Yet once again, the day quickly progressed to night full of passion. A night which you kept whispering ‘I love you’s with every that you make. Our night ended with us exhausted from our passionate night.

"Don't leave me tomorrow," you whispered as you lay next to me. You reached out to grab one of my hands, slowly intertwining your fingers into mine. Next thing we knew, deep sleep has taken over us.

April 27, 2008

I am unsure of what to do next.

It was finally morning. As the rays of sunshine seep into the room. Our bodies lay close to each other. I could hear your heartbeat as you could hear mine. You were awake this time. 

"Good morning my beauty, you're finally awake", you spoke with your honey-like voice. Your fingers playing with my hair as you let out a small laugh before you lean in to kiss my forehead.

The moment seemed as if enternity that I never wanted to end, yet it was I who broke the moment. I got up and stumble towards my clothes that was sprawled on the floor. You gave me a questioning look as you sat up from the bed.

"Where are you going?", you asked.

I just tried my best to ignore your question and started putting on my pants.

"Minseok"

God. The way you said my name, it sent a shivering sensation down my spine.

"Where are you going", you asked once again.

"Home," I simply answered as I put back on my shirt. Before I could grab my jacket, you had grabbed my hand pulling me back into bed. My back was against your chest as we sat there trying to comprehend what to do next.

"Don't go", you softly whispered. You began to nuzzle your face into my neck breathing in my scent.

"You smell lovely, like vanilla with a hint of mint", you groggily muffled into my neck. 

"I have to go", I began to plead.

"Why?", you questioned as your eyes began to trail towards my own.

"I just-", before I could finish you drew me into a kiss to shut me up.

"Please stay, don't leave."

Your arms began to circle its way around my waist. You held me tightly making sure I wouldn’t leave you. I didn’t know what to say, I began to guide my hands towards your hands that was on my waist. I lightly patted the hands in reassurement.

“Please let me go, I promise I won’t run away”

“Then would you also promise to be mine?”, you asked. I bit my lip, I didn’t know what came over me as I began to shake. 

“Maybe”, I replied.

“I’ll take that as a yes”, you leaned in kissing me once more. 

May 4 , 2008

I am unsure of our first date.

This was our first date ever since I became yours. You told me it wasn’t much and it was your duty, yet I wasn’t sure. You held my hand, not giving a care about the world as you drag me to the movie theatre. As my insecurities crept in I could feel the stares of the public eye. 

“Look at those two, are they..”

“How can they do such a thing out in the public!”

“That hot guy does not deserve a fat chubs like that guy”

I could hear the mumbles & whispers around us, yet you didn’t seem to notice. When we enter the movie theatre, you went to buy the popcorn and tickets as I sat and waited for you. I could see the eyes of all the females and even males were on you. It made me feel self conscious about myself. You seemed so perfect yet I was filled with imperfections. 

While we watched the movie, you held my hands. You would sometimes turn around to whisper your opinion of the movie or laugh that deep attractive laugh of yours. At some point I began to release your hold of my hand, but this cause you turn your head towards me, displaying a confused look.

“Is something wrong?”, you whispered near my ear.

“N-nothing, my palms are just getting sweaty”, I quickly answered. 

“Oh, I don’t mind”, you took my hand and interlocked your fingers with mine once again.

After our date, your dropped me off at my place. You leaned in for a good night kiss leaving me surprised and flustered. 

May 27, 2008

I’m unsure that my heart will calm down.

It was our one-month anniversary. You gave me a kiss telling me sweet nothing. You told me you wanted to spend our anniversary at your apartment. I just nodded and followed you effortlessly. We spent our one-month anniversary cuddling together which followed by few innocent kisses. I love you and you love me. It was everything I could ever ask for.

“Minseok, you really are a beauty”, you cuddled against me. I could only smile and lean in to kiss your forehead.

“Luhan, you are such a charmer”, I replied.

December 25, 2008

I am unsure if I should hold your hands.

We both decided to spend this Christmas together. 

It was our first Christmas together, you were the one who decided to go out. We were walking in the brightly-lit shopping plaza staring at all the beautiful ornaments and displays that were up. 

“Is it cold?”, you asked.

“Isn’t winter always cold?”, I spoke while letting out a small chuckle.

“It’s alright, I’ll warm it up for you”, you whispered into my ear as you intertwined your fingers into mine.
I felt hesitant towards your touch. People were looking at us, I felt my face flushed with red. You noticed that I was being hesitant, yet you just held onto me tighter as we walked not letting go of my hand. Thank you for never letting my hand go.

December 31, 2008

I am unsure if I should kiss you.

We were minutes away towards a new year. You told me that if we kiss at the mark of 12:00 we’d always be together. Were you really always that cheesy? Maybe it was why I began to love you even more.
Our New Year’s kiss, it wasn’t you who started it this time. It was me. My feelings for you were blooming of something that I can not describe. It was confusing. 

April 25, 2009

I am unsure when my insecurities exactly began.

Maybe it started at the beginning of our relationship, but lately I’ve been feeling many insecurities. Did you really love me? Am I perfect enough for you? Even if you told me countless times that you love me, I was never sure. 
Everytime we went out I could only feel the stares of the public. I question myself, what made me deserve such a perfect person like you?

Our one-year anniversary was close yet my feelings for you are still confusing.

April 27, 2009

I am unsure of our relationship yet you changed that.

This anniversary we went out for dinner at a place you reserved. You complimented on my suit and presented me with roses. It was a night that I could never forget. It was a night that I never regretted in my memories. 
Our dinner was expensive and fancy. You told me you had already covered all the expenses. Part of me wondered how yet part of me told myself to live the moment.

“Minseok, you know I love you right”, you spoke in a clear tone while you held my hand. You had a serious look on your face.

“I love you too, Luhan”, a small smile crept on my face as I spoke the words. You were overjoyed as you intertwined our fingers together. You leaned across the table to land a kiss on my lips. Maybe this was when all of my insecurities ended. Luhan, I truly did love you.

April 27, 2010

I am unsure what you are saying.

“Kim Minseok, will you marry me?”, you softly asked me as you displayed a diamond ring.

“I-I”, all I could do was stutter at the moment.

“Your answer?”, you asked. I could only nod with tears slowly dribbling down my face. It was the happiest moment of my life, it truly was.

August 17, 2010

I am still unsure, yet I know that I love you.

It was our wedding, a small secret wedding consisting of only our parents as guests. Our parents surprisingly welcomed us both to their families. This was the prime time of our love.

“Will you Lu Han take Kim Minseok as your beloved wedded wife?", the pastor spoke as you nodded quickly. 

"Will you Kim Minseok take Lu Han as your beloved wedded husband?"

You stared into my eyes waiting for the answer that could join us together forever. All I could do was nod a yes with a smile on my face.

“Now the groom may kiss the bride.”

You looked at me hesitantly before you leaned in and kissed me. As you lean back a bright smile was sprawled on your face. How could I ever forget this day. I remembered everything, from the vows we exchanged to the kiss we shared.

August 20, 2010

I am unsure, yet it feels right.

We are now newlyweds. We have decided to buy a house in a peaceful neighborhood. Both of us have managed to find jobs near this peaceful neighborhood.

I worked as a stay-at-home book translator. Translating various things from romance novels all the way to magazines. While you were working as a businessman at a company. 

“Good morning my beautiful wife.”, you spoke as you saw me wake up.

“Good morning to you my wonderful husband”, I whispered and snuggled into your chest. 

Our mornings were the best. Small greetings and kisses. As you leave for work my daily routines began. 

8:30 AM: I always sit outside at our porch to drink my freshly brewed coffee. Staring out into the streets. I always see a student pass by, from behind he reminded me of you. Yet he was taller than both of us. He wore his yellow uniform in a sloppy manner. His tie unkept and knotted messily. He would often stare back at me. We never said anything as our eyes meet, just a normal head nod as our indications of hello.

9:00 AM: I walked back inside and went to my office. I began to sit in my seat and started to translate all the words. I would often murmur the syllables of the words to myself, to remind me I'm not alone. To remind me that you were coming home.

12:00 PM: During this time I would usually make myself a turkey sandwich. Yet at times I would just walk to the convenience store. After I ate I would dig back into my pile of work. Maybe I'm just a work-a-holic, but it makes me feel content. Content that I have a purpose.

3:00 PM: I would always go outside to our porch once again. The student that passed in the morning would come back at this time. He was sometimes late but he never failed to leave a flower in the mailbox or give it to me personally. Maybe this encounter was just between me and him. You didn't know of this. No one did. 

4:30 PM: The flower that came daily was always added to a vase that sat in my office. You never bothered to enter my office, so of course you never noticed a thing.

7:00 PM: This is always the time you would come home. Never later than this. When you enter our home, you would give me a peck on my cheek. You were always tired from work. Laying on the couch lazily as you waited for dinner. Sometimes you would also bother me as I cook, hugging me from the back and whispering of indecent things you would do to me. It always brought a smile to my face. 

This life, it felt right.

November 23, 2010

I am unsure who this person is.

You told me that he was your best friend from high school. He was tall as you and had such angelic looks. Why was everyone around you so stunning. 

“Honey, this is Zhang Yixing. My high school friend. His staying with us for a month because his apartment has to go through some major repairs”, you told me as you introduced your friend. 

He was looking at me, likely judging me. He gave a quick look before opening his mouth. His voice had a calming effect. Maybe it was due to his looks added on but I couldn’t help but keep my guard down around this man.
“Well Luhan, I didn’t know that you had game! Your wife is stunning! Does she have any of her girlfriends that she’ll be willing to introduce me to?”, at this statement I couldn’t help but blush. 

You let out a chuckle and rubbed my shoulder causing my embarassment to die down a bit. 

“She’s a looker isn’t she?! Wait till you see her in bed but too bad you can’t!”, you bellowed out looking confident at what you just said.

“L-L-LUHAN HE DOESN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT! ALSO FOR A MATTER OF FACT I’M A MALE. I’M SLIGHTLY OFFENDED BY THIS!”, I shouted back in an urgent matter. My cheeks were flaming and bright red as a tomato from your statement. I wanted to curl somewhere and hide at that moment.

“Oh! My bad! May because you are as fair as a maiden that I mistaken you for a lady.”, your friend Zhang Yixing stated before he took my right hand and lifted near his lips. He suddenly peck a small light kiss on it.

“You smell like a mixture of flowers. May I ask what type of cologne you use?”, you whispered as you looked up at my stunned face.

“HEY HEY ZHANG YIXING STOP SEDUCING MY WIFE!”, you screamed as you ran towards me. 

I felt twisted at that moment because I enjoyed that small kiss yet I also enjoyed your jealousy. 

December 10, 2010

I’m not sure if I like how you aren’t next to me.

It’s been a week since Zhang Yixing came to stay. I became comfortable around him quicker than I thought I ever be. He has this aura that I couldn’t help but be entranced by. As for you, you were busy with work. Juggling with the work deadlines before Christmas. Occasionally you even began to stay back at the office. I felt lonely whenever I recieve a phone call from a frantic you. 

“Minseok? AH I’LL BE THERE! I think I- HEY I SAID WAIT won’t be making it home tonight! Bye sweetie!”, you kissed the phone and disconnected.

I kept telling myself it was okay. I began trying to adjust my day without you. 

Waking up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, sleep and repeat.