A/N

OMG so I'm updating this literally 2 minutes before the deadline! Talk about major panic attack! I didn't have time to proofread everything either. D=

Anyway, this is 22,606 words... I know, it's long TT-TT Haha I'm sorry about that, but yeah it is. Something to keep in mind while reading: Everything in South Korea is made up, lol. I've never even been before. /whale sobs/ (UPDATE: I did go actually in the September of 2015 to get an apendectomy and went on a KPop shopping spree after I recovered. lol.) Also, I exaggerated my situation, meaning no I am not broken. I just took my feelings and multiplied them by 3 to create a character in a much worse state than mine. Although it's true what my "friends" did to me and what they've said. =_=

BTW, Yejin is Ailee. ;)

ONE MORE THING: You'll probably wanna pay attention to the switches in between flashbacks, even though they may be confusing. They're important!

Having said all this, happy reading! :D

P.S. These are like, my life secrets. Not a single soul knows any of these things, except my 2 very closest friends. Feel special. ^u^

“You’re not any of those... You’re perfect, just the way you are.”

The steady shower gradually turns into a pouring rain, beating down on the metal roof, soaking everything in sight. The sky is dark, jagged streaks of lightning flashing across it. A booming clap of thunder rolls through the sea of gray clouds.

The two beings are huddled against a brick wall; the outstretched flimsy plastic roof overhead does little to protect them from the chill. Oversized raindrops stream down their bodies. They slip right through their clothes, causing hair to stick uncomfortably to faces and fabric to skin.

Sunyoung’s body is seized by violent shudders and she gasps. She leans against the wall for support, doesn’t dare to look at the boy let alone reply. aches from holding back sixteen years’ worth of bottled up cries, anger, and emotions shrieking to be let out.

Finally, Sunyoung heaves a trembling sigh. “Everyone lies,” she manages to get out in a weak, faltering voice. What the boy does next catches her off-guard.

For several moments, Sunyoung is grateful that the entire area is void of people. The boy turns toward her and slowly reaches out to clear her face of messy locks of black hair. He puts his hands on the wall on either side of her and gently, tentatively yet securely, presses his body onto Sunyoung’s. Gently.

The boy leans forward, and Sunyoung’s breath hitches in when she feels his lips just graze her earlobe.

A shiver runs down the girl’s spine at the boy’s next words, and it’s not from the cold.

It’s from the warmth and care that laces every word.

“I am not everyone.”

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2009

Age: 8

Place: CA, USA

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunyoung sat on the edge of her bed, the atmosphere awkward but everyone in the room beaming at their brightest. It had been two years since she was last at her grandparents’ apartment in California due to her parents’ work overseas – two years since she saw her closest friends. But now they were back because her mom wanted to visit her parents in New York and give birth to Sunyoung’s new baby sister where she grew up. They were just staying at her dad’s side’s state for a while for everyone to meet the new family addition before they flew back overseas.

Sunyoung’s best friend Ellie sat next to her while her once-crush Agustin rested on the floor in front of the full-length mirror opposite them.

Ellie and Sunyoung had been shyly chatting about everything in general while Agustin just sat and stared at Sunyoung, the girl he used to like when he was seven and she was six. She was still so cute, he felt as if those puppy-love feelings never went away, even when he had his first girlfriend.

It was Ellie’s last day in the neighborhood before she moved to another house over an hour away. A great way to spend the first day back in the city, wasn’t it? So when the afternoon got hotter, the three of them planned to go swimming in the community swimming pool across the street like they used to every day after school.

Sunyoung watched Ellie play with the ends of her waist-long hair with a twinge of envy; her own hair in contrast only hung just past her shoulders and was thick and black and unruly, unlike her friend’s pretty chestnut locks.

Finally breaking the short silence, Ellie leaned toward Sunyoung and beckoned for her to come closer. “You remember Jean, right?”

Of course she did – that tall, lanky girl with thick-rimmed black glasses, always scooter-ing around with that other girl, Joy. Sunyoung always found it cool yet funny how almost everyone in the community were Koreans, but something about those two she just didn't like. They were older and boring to be around with; it seemed they never did anything fun.

Sunyoung nodded, slightly wrinkling her nose in distaste. “Yeah. Why?”

“Do you know what she said right after you left last time?” Ellie tilted her head to the side as she waited for her friend’s response.

“She said something about me?” Sunyoung, obliviously optimistic, smiled and turned so she was fully facing Ellie. “What did she say?”

“She said...” Ellie leaned in closer still and lowered her voice. “She said you look like a dead rat.”

Upon hearing that, both Sunyoung’s heart and expression fell. “A... a dead rat?”

Ellie nodded and averted her gaze, starting to frown. “I argued with her of course. But she kept saying it. I don't know why.”

Sunyoung looked at Agustin in dismay for confirmation, but he only shrugged. “I don’t think I was there,” was his simple answer. If he felt anything negative towards Jean or sympathy for Sunyoung, he sure didn’t show it.

Later that week, with Ellie gone for probably forever and the sun already disappeared from sight, all the neighborhood kids were out on their scooters, Ripsticks, and bicycles. Unfortunately for Sunyoung, Jean and Joy were out, as usual, but the younger girl really was in no mood to confront either, particularly Jean.

Agustin, Sunyoung and Irene, the “baby” of the kids as everyone called her, were grouped a distance from the rest. Agustin had promised not to tell Jean about what Ellie had said since Sunyoung didn’t want him to, but Irene was still only six and had no control over her tongue. As soon as she heard the not-so-new news leave Sunyoung’s mouth, she raced away to tell.

"No! Wait, Irene! Come back! Don’t tell her!" Sunyoung shouted after the girl flying away on her scooter as if her life depended on it.

Agustin blinked and followed on his own scooter, calling, "Jean! Jean!"

Well then, there went another broken promise.

Sunyoung gulped in fear and began to glide away on her pink scooter as fast as she could, but soon, Irene and Agustin caught up to her and dragged her back. "She said she never said that!" they were both insisting, but Sunyoung wouldn’t listen.

They finally reached where the older kids were hanging out, and Jean looked in their direction. “Sunyoung, I never said that,” she said gently when the three stopped in front of her. “I never said you look like a dead rat. I would never say that about anybody.”

At first, Sunyoung didn’t believe her. After all, her best friend told her that it was true! And she could always trust her best friends. But hearing the sincerity in Jean’s voice and seeing the kindness in her eyes made think otherwise.

Jean was telling the truth.

But then, why did Ellie lie about it?

What if it’s Ellie who thinks I look like a dead rat, instead of Jean? Sunyoung wondered in bed that night. Ellie wouldn’t make up a lie about somebody like that. Why would she even make up a lie like that? She must think I look like a dead rat. She just blamed it on Jean. Jean is so nice. But Ellie...

Sunyoung suddenly remembered all the times when Ellie would promise something but then break it back when they were in kindergarten. She remembered when it would be Ellie’s fault if she came home from school or from playing outside crying. She remembered insults that she blithely let pass because she didn’t know best friends don’t insult each other and mean it. And those times were so often.

Sunyoung fell asleep silently crying herself to sleep. Maybe to others, this wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe everyone else would think that she’d only been dramatic about nothing.

But to an eight-year-old who was brought up in a good Christian family, it was a very painful big deal.

Because best friends don’t lie to each other or say nasty things about them behind their back.

Ellie was obviously not a best friend.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2009

Age: 8

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

During her short stay in California, Sunyoung surprisingly grew close to Joy and even closer to Agustin. She was, usually to her disadvantage, very loyal and forgiving, so she kept Ellie’s email address. The three children in America kept in touch with their overseas friend by emailing and sometimes even sending letters simply for the joy of it, although the amount of letters and emails exchanged noticeably decreased as the months passed.

There was also another girl Sunyoung thought was her best friend whom she met at her school in New York: Victoria. Sunyoung was so glad it was her dad who named her and not her mom, who wanted to name her Victoria after the Queen of England, or else things would just be plain confusing.

They also emailed frequently, but with each email received, Sunyoung started to doubt their friendship. For one thing, do best friends get mad at each other over email just because they were offended? Maybe Victoria just reacted that way because she was a few months younger than Sunyoung, but the latter girl really didn’t think that was any excuse.

One day, Sunyoung opened up her inbox to see a new email from Victoria and eagerly opened it up. But she stared skeptically at the content of the virtual letter when she read it through:

“Hey, Sunyoung! This is a really cool place with lots of fun games! Go check it out and then we can talk about it afterwards okay?”

Below that was a link to a LeapFrog site. Sunyoung still had CDs of those games that she played two years ago, but she really wasn’t interested in it anymore. So why in the world would Victoria like it?

Sunyoung typed out her reply slowly, thinking over every word so as not to hurt her friend:

“Sorry, but I don’t like LeapFrog anymore. I think it’s babyish.”

Well, it was the best an eight-year-old could do.

Since Victoria was literally on the other half of the world, Sunyoung waited until the next day for the reply. She wondered how she would react to her “rejection”, but what met her innocent, vulnerable eyes really made her feel bad.

In the largest font possible for gmail were written in bold words, “LEAPFROG IS NOT BABYISH!!!!!!!!!”

And to make it worse, not one week later, the two of them started arguing about someone at the school they went to while Sunyoung was still in New York. About a boy, of course.

Victoria started the fight, as usual, and all Sunyoung did was send a simple reply. What she saw the next day made her realize that Victoria wasn’t a real friend, either. Being the sensitive girl she was and still is, and having never heard any swear word except for “stupid”, she cried over the words in Victoria’s next email.

Again, in the largest font ever and in bold was written, “WHAT THE HELL???!!???!?”

It seemed Sunyoung really had no friend in America anymore. She only had those other girls in the city…

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2008

Age: 7

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Come on, Sunyoung!” Faith M called to the said girl, running with Faith C and Autumn to a grassier area of the yard. Since there were two girls whose names were “Faith”, the kids decided that to avoid confusion, they would be referred to as “Faith M” and “Faith C” to correspond with their last names.

So far, Sunyoung really liked Faith M; they so clicked the moment they met, and together with Faith C, they were the perfect group of friends. Autumn... well, she wasn’t exactly the type of girl Sunyoung wanted to hang around often. Of course she just went along with everyone being best friends and all, but in her heart, she disliked the blonde-haired girl.

Maybe it was just the way she matter-of-factly corrected all the non-native English-speakers who pronounced her best friend’s name “face” instead of “Faith”. Either that, or it seemed Autumn acted too much like a five-year-old instead of six. Her voice was too high-pitched, and she still liked playing with Barbie dolls and pretend-princesses. It nearly made Sunyoung sick.

It didn’t matter what Sunyoung felt. When you’re in a tiny community of all English-speakers, who are all real Christians, mind you, you don’t have a choice of who to hang out with or not. You’re just immediately expected to get along with everyone else. And for Sunyoung, it was maddening. You couldn’t prevent your best friends from leaving, either. She just never expected either to get any worse.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2012

Age: 11

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“I’m in your personal bubble! Ooh look! I just popped your personal bubble again!”

Sunyoung sighed and stared at the scene in front of her with her arms crossed across her chest, her eyebrow raised in amusement.

It was the weekly gathering of all the English-speaking foreigners, and thirteen-year-old Sara, the older sister of Faith C, had specifically said “that I have a personal bubble that should not be popped. Meaning! You do not come squishing me like you always do!”

That was apparently ignored as both Faiths immediately surged forward, frantically trying to “pop” Sara’s personal bubble and nearly crushing the older girl who was sitting in a corner. Autumn’s family had left for the States long ago when Sunyoung was still only nine. And frankly, she didn’t protest about it. She had Faith M – and Faith C – all to herself anyhow, now.

Both Faiths and Sara were busy laughing their heads off, Sara trying to push them away without much effort, thus failing. Sunyoung and Sara had been talking about a movie, and Sunyoung was even in mid-sentence when Faith M suddenly came up and started dragging her away, paying no heed to the older girl’s protests. She just wanted to finish the conversation! And to make it worse, Faith C had gone up to Sara and tugged on her arm as well, thus leading to the whole “personal bubble” event.

Sunyoung, still oblivious to everyone and everything, just allowed Faith M to do whatever she wanted with her, because she was already used to being bossed around by the girl anyway and was too vulnerable and weak-willed to know any better. Currently, she just laughed softly to herself before she went off on her own and wandered out of the house.

She spotted the boys of the families sprawled out across the shaded area of the yard, enjoying the cool spring breezes. Suddenly, a wave of nostalgia hit her, and she smiled sadly, remembering all those times when she and her best friend would just lie around and talk or just play pretend when they were younger, either acting it out or using stuffed animals with his older brother; her first best friend ever, her first real best friend, whose family was the first to leave for America.

Sunyoung missed them so much. Sure, she was close to the Faiths and Sara, and the other guys, but there was no one like him. They’d known each other since they were one year old and were best friends ever since – at least until she turned seven. They had argued, quite a bit actually, but those grew less frequent as they got older. He understood her, and she understood him, and they knew each other like the back of their hands. They shared similar interests and nothing embarrassing said between them was actually embarrassing for them. They had sleepovers all the time. They were the most comfortable with each other.

In fact, they were more than comfortable. When Sunyoung’s parents left on an eighteen-day trip to Thailand on which four-year-old Sunyoung couldn’t join them, she stayed at her friend’s house. She even shared a bed with him! Not to mention his mom putting them both in the shower together and failing over a hundred times trying to get a picture of them kissing.

And yet with all these things, life was just... perfect, with him around.

Sunyoung always wondered, why did he have to leave?

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2008

Age: 6

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunyoung flopped down on the floor in the cool, spacious room and panted heavily, out of breath. She, Chadwick, her best friend, and Cedric, his older brother, had just had a crazy animal fight.

Literally.

Cedric had come up with this brilliant game idea called Fighting Animals where you pick an animal and power – either earth, water, ice, or fire – and also a special weapon, and you just play pretend according to the storyline Cedric makes up. Having known them and played pretend with them the longest, Sunyoung was really the only one who played it with them. A partial reason was most likely because Cedric was her first ever crush that she went along with anything he said and created. Anyhow, they played it any chance they got.

Just now in the game, it was midnight, and every night when the moon is at its highest point, all the players are on full crazy animal mode and they “fight” like crazy. Thus explaining why the three children were so exhausted.

After a few seconds of silence, Sunyoung, propped herself up on her elbows and smiled widely.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Chadwick questioned.

“My seventh birthday party is this Saturday!” Sunyoung blurted excitedly.

“Oh, cool!” Chadwick exclaimed, sitting up.

“Happy early birthday,” Cedric added from where he lay sprawled on the floor.

“Can you guys come? At three?” Sunyoung asked.

“Of course!” Chadwick shouted. “We have to ask our mom first, but she’ll let us come. We went to all of your birthday parties since you were two. Except for those you had in America.”

Sunyoung laughed.

And they would attend many more.

Or so she thought.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As soon as all the kids were in the room, ready to see a movie, several of them rushed up to the shelf of movies since Sunyoung said whatever they wanted to watch, they could watch.

“Oh, you have The Island Princess! Can we watch this? PLLEEEAAASSEEE???”

Sunyoung burst into laughter at Cedric’s silliness, the other kids just thinking he was plain weird. She stopped when she realized that his goofy smile, showing off his signature buckteeth, was serious.

“No... seriously... what do you want to watch?”

“It’s your birthday,” Chadwick pointed out, coming up next to them. “You choose. But yeah, can we watch it??”

“Yeah, sure!” Sunyoung agreed eagerly, since it was her favorite movie then.

“YEEESS LET’S WATCH THE ISLAND PRINCESS!” Cedric shrieked, hurriedly opening the case.

Sara shook her head. “How are you even eleven?” she laughed.

After the party was over, Sunyoung happened to overhear a couple of adults talking outside the front door, waving good-bye to some of her friends.

“Aww, we’ll miss you,” her mom was saying.

Sunyoung stopped and turned to her mom and Chadwick’s.

“We’ll miss everyone here, too. But we can still see each other in America, right? Email and stuff?”

“Oh yeah, definitely, but Sunyoung will really miss playing with the boys all the time, and I’m sure they’ll miss Sunyoung as well. She’ll be so disappointed.”

After hearing this confusing bit of dialogue, Sunyoung retreated back into the house. That night, she questioned her mom about it, only to confirm what a seed of fear in the back of her mind had been suspecting.

Her best friends were leaving. Forever.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2012

Age: 11

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“First Chadwick, then Autumn, then Faith C, and now us?”

Sunyoung sat firmly on her bed, crossing her arms.

“Sunyoung, we’re just going to the States for a year-long furlough and then coming back,” her mom explained. “And it’s not for sure yet that we’re really moving. It's just an idea.”

“But still, why is it that everyone is suddenly leaving? Faith C, Joshua, Sara, and Timothy were like half of our P.E. group, and they left just several months ago. Why are we leaving so soon now?”

“Even if we do leave, it won’t be for a while,” her mom reassured. “Trust me, in the States, you’ll have fun going to public school and getting out of the house, making new friends, seeing Joy again, and maybe even joining a choir!” she added with a sing-song voice.

Sunyoung slightly perked up at that. “Oh, okay... maybe...” she mumbled as her mom chuckled and left the room. Really, all Sunyoung hoped was that there would be someone who shared her musical and literature interests.

Who knew it would be that hard?

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2013

Age: 12

Place: CA, USA

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

America was Sunyoung’s family’s place for vacation; relaxing, eating good food, getting together with friends and just having fun. Sunyoung had so many hopes for the 2012-2013 school year -  but everything  just went downhill since she was introduced to swearing and plain dumb- es who act like they just don’t give a damn about anything that doesn’t concern them, yet have so much to say against it, who humiliate and judge everything and everyone different. CougheveryoneAsiancough.

Even though Sunyoung had friends, none of them were as flexible in conversation or thoughtful and understanding, like Chadwick or even the Faiths. She always fought with the kids in the States, and a lot of times they’d ditch her for their other girls and guys. A lot of times they wouldn’t even make an effort to talk to her. They apparently weren’t actual  friends, thinking of Sunyoung only as the second option, but she put up with it because it was better than being a complete outcast.

There was one girl, however who Sunyoung loved hanging out with so much: Peaches, the mixed Native American who was one year older. She and Sunyoung would talk the entire P.E. period away, fan-girling and ranting and sometimes just listening patiently to the other if they didn’t know the topic very well. They talked about boys, movies, celebrities, books, humanity, animals, how stupid some ratchet girls at their school were, the worst teachers, the best teachers, and pretty much everything there was to talk about. They also enjoyed singing frequently and trying to perfect the Scorpion, which consisted of grabbing a foot and pulling it behind and over the head. Emma’s older sister would often join them in these daily hour-long conversations since the P.E. teacher seemed to have no care in the world.

Peaches was Sunyoung’s only real friend; Emma’s sister liked to make fun of a lot of things and people, including Sunyoung, and got on the Korean girl’s nerve more than she would prefer.

And yet, the absolute worst place to be was church. The girls would group together and talk and gossip, always excluding Sunyoung and not bothering to start a conversation with her. She always ended up just wandering about doing her own thing, feeling as left out as ever, and every Sunday she had to go through being ignored by those who were supposed to be the most compassionate and including. When they said they would miss Sunyoung when she went back overseas, Sunyoung smiled and said she would miss them too, but inside she knew they were all lying. They didn’t bother including her. She didn’t bother trying to be included. Neither side really meant it. Only a few guys, whom she was somewhat close to, actually did.

Couldn’t everyone just love each other equally?

Apparently not.

Going to public school and mostly being an outcast for a year, however, made Sunyoung stronger and even more defensive than she was from the start. It made her learn how to sift the good friends from the bad and the caring from the hating. It made her realize that friends come and go, that racism and ism is everywhere, that everyone will judge you and think of you lowly just because your interests, styles, and tastes are different from theirs, and that middle-schoolers are just way too young for dating.

Home-schooling really only held Sunyoung back. Public school gave her a sneak-peek at what the real world is like, and how people will react when you don’t know a slang word or celebrity or even how to think dirty, or cry easily because you’re not used to certain harshness. It taught her that people will label you as a and dumb- for no reason and call you “nerd” just because you wear glasses.

And although Sunyoung was heartbroken to leave all her friends, her choir class, her angelic and life-changing choir teacher – who would get upset at the fact that her “talented little Korean” was leaving her so soon – her year-long adventure, and the boy who she just found out liked her back, the difficulties were far from over. To think, she thought she would actually get a break from being unfairly judged.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2013

Age: 12

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Um, I’m just gonna go over there... for a while... I’ll be back.”

Sunyoung excused herself from the group of kids, slid into the shadows behind a wall, and immediately burst into silent uncontrollable tears. Just because public school made her tougher didn’t mean she didn’t cry anymore. She wasn’t a sore-loser or conceited, either – she was simply sensitive to the core and extremely emotional.

It just made no sense whatsoever. She thought Faith M was her best friend. When she visited Faith C’s church in America, the younger Korean was so much the same, and they talked and laughed like they did before Faith’s family moved back to America.

But when Sunyoung went back to her home overseas... What in the world happened to Faith M??

The girl still wanted to crawl around and pretend to be cats, thanks to that WARRIORS series, and she was so sensitive yet was careless about what slipped out of . She couldn’t take a joke and would cry at simple sarcasm. Well, sarcasm was Sunyoung’s thing! And so was music! Just because Faith M’s parents were against secular music, that didn’t mean she could say so many negative things about what Sunyoung liked, particularly KPop. Sunyoung really wished Faith had gone to public school. She most likely wouldn't behave this way if she did. Years of home-schooling prepares a child for nothing.

Even worse, she expected Sunyoung to play cats with her. Of course she’d grown out of it, so why should she? It just felt awkward and boring now. But Faith would never understand and even got upset when Sunyoung said she just didn’t want to do it anymore like they used to. Sunyoung was turning thirteen in just a few months. She most definitely would not play cats... and although she hated to admit it, Fighting Animals was out of the question as well.

Sunyoung could rant all day about Faith M. For one thing, when a new KPop song came out by a group that was currently wiping out all other Asian artists, all the American singers were swept out the window by it to be replaced by KPop – like it was when she was ten. But when Sunyoung made a joke about it to Faith M and her older brother, she didn’t get a very good reaction.

“Hey Faith, I’ve got good news for ya,” Sunyoung had said with mock enthusiasm. “I’m into KPop again!”

“Oh, wonderful,” Faith had muttered. Sunyoung could plainly hear the irritation and sarcasm in her voice.

“Why - what’s wrong?”

“Well, you know, Sunyoung,” her brother had said, “it was really annoying.”

Now that was unacceptable. When Sunyoung showed them music videos and listened to KPop songs before she left for America, no one complained. In fact, the Faiths actually liked it. Faith C was used to it since her cousins are always listening to stuff like that, but Faith M seemed to actually enjoy it. Yet currently, all she wanted to do was play cats and talk about animals and insects and Lord of the Rings. Frankly, Sunyoung didn’t mind at all the talk about LOTR, but when the subject suddenly turned to spiders... no thank you.

The fact that her friends at school lied just as easily as the girls at church hurt Sunyoung even more. They all promised they would text, FaceTime, Facebook, Skype, and message through every app possible all the time. But those were all lies. Sure, Sunyoung talked with them and video chatted with some of them nearly every day, but only during the first month. After that, conversations rapidly grew less, and when school started again they almost all forgot Sunyoung. They moved on with their lives, leaving her left behind and with no true friend to go to. Peaches was never on Facebook, which was the only way Sunyoung could contact her, so she only became more inwardly downcast.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2014

Age: 13

Place: Central Asia

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On the day Sunyoung got that email from Faith M, she knew right away that they just couldn’t be friends like they used to – or at least how Sunyoung thought they were.

She and the Faiths were emailing, and Faith C mentioned her family coming back from the States to visit. Then she said went all over the place virtually screaming, “I’M SOO SOSO SOOO HAAPPPYYY!!!!”

Faith M had to reply asking what she was happy about. Really? Wasn’t it obvious? So Sunyoung gently replied, “I think she’s happy that she’s coming back here, right Faith C?”

Well, she certainly wasn’t expecting that reply from Faith M. “I wasn’t talking to you.” Then she went on to say the question all over again.

Sheesh, no need to be so rude, girl. In addition, on the Easter Sunday hike where all the Christian foreigners hiked up a tall, steep hill to a grassy tree-filled area, when Sunyoung joined the kids as they went before the adults Faith M seemed disappointed. The other German girls and guys said “hi” very excitedly, but Faith had just muttered it. And then when she was talking to the German girls, she didn’t even look at Sunyoung or try to include her. When Sunyoung tried to add something to the conversation, Faith rolled her eyes.

The girl was driving Sunyoung crazy. Something was wrong with her.

Even on Sunyoung’s girls-only thirteenth birthday, Faith wasn’t very... cooperative.

Sunyoung wanted to play the new Just Dance 4 they had gotten for their Wii, and so they played a little, but apparently even all the easy dances were too hard for them. Faith especially made it obvious that she didn’t wanna play. Well, it wasn’t necessarily Sunyoung’s fault that dancing came more effortlessly to her than most others. And when she wanted to use the new nail polish set that her aunt had sent her from America, Faith M was almost dissuading the other girls from doing it just because she didn't want to.

It ended up being that the other girls spent the remaining ten minutes playing chase with Sunyoung’s little sister while Sunyoung herself just sat at her computer and watched live KPop performances. She was never much of an outdoor sort of gal or one who liked to run, since that “time-of-the-month” event started in the States.

“What’re you doing?” Faith M had asked breathlessly coming up next to Sunyoung. So she showed her what she was watching: a short dance performance by one of her favorite KPop groups. “I don’t get it – what’s so awesome about that?” was all the girl said before running back to join the others.

Just a couple of weeks before Sunyoung’s birthday, though, in the beginning of January, Sunyoung really got into writing fanfictions on Instagram then later on AsianFanFics, running a KPop fan-page on Instagram and even KPop roleplaying on Facebook. Luckily for Sunyoung, she got to celebrate her birthday with two male KPop stars on her fan-page account, one whose birthday was on the twelfth of the January and the other on the fourteenth. Her birthday was right after.

Through all these social media sites, Sunyoung made a countless number of friends and fan-girling buddies. They all understood each other and fan-girled, talked, and ranted freely. They were so comfortable with each other and all liked Sunyoung so much, and vice versa, that she was extremely disappointed that none of these people were in her real personal life.

So on the day that Sunyoung’s family moved, she was actually glad; glad that she might meet some excellent and understanding fan-girls and glad that she was finally getting away from Faith M after a torturing ten months. Yes, she was going to miss the neighborhood, the streets, the shops, the out-door markets, and the local people everywhere. Her friends she would think of, but somehow she didn’t feel sad about leaving them. Even so, it did feel weird knowing she would never see them again. But it was the house most of all.

They’d lived in that house since Sunyoung was two and a half. Sunyoung’s first memories were from that house. She sure would miss it, and on the plane she took a picture of the small city as the plane flew overhead. Staring at the city growing smaller in the distance, she did her best not to cry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunyoung still remembers her first day in South Korea as if it were just yesterday. The moment the plane landed, her dad had leaned up from where he sat next to her mom behind where she and her sister were sitting so they could all hear, and said, “Behold, the land where Koreans actually have Korean names!”

Sunyoung had to laugh at that. She had mentioned one time that almost no Korean in America she knew actually went by a Korean name, or had one at all.

The new house they’d be living in was clean and spacious and had two floors with three bedrooms – Sunyoung was so elated to hear that she'd finally be getting her own room – and walking distance from her new school. Other than that, nothing was all that impressive, except for the food – and of course the fact that most of the KPop stars were from Seoul.

Which is where they would be living from then on.

Sunyoung pretty much had a heart attack.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunyoung watched in anger and fear, hugging her books to her chest, as an innocent girl continued to be harassed and abused by the bully. Korean students really were no better than those in the States. If anything, they were worse. Sunyoung couldn’t believe she thought there was bigotry in America!

From the minute Sunyoung stepped into her new school, it was endless teasing and ridicules. Her mom was right. Korean kids really don’t like you if you talk with an accent or come from somewhere other than Korea, even if you’re the same ethnicity as them. It’d only been a week since Sunyoung started going to school here, but it was really too formidable. And to think, she actually thought that she might be able to escape all the bullying for once! At least in America, there’s a compulsory No Bullying Day and you paint your pinkie finger blue.

Sunyoung wanted to help. She really did. Suddenly running into this scene while making her way to her next class during lunch break had taken a toll on her as she stood rigid, her eyes round with horror. She had no idea this sort of thing went on here. She didn’t want to just stand idly like all the rest while that poor girl suffered. But what could she do? Interfering would only make matters worse, and she was never really good at defending herself or anyone else anyway.

Already, Yejin, the other Korean-American girl, had somehow lost both her contacts, which she searched for on her hands and knees with tears streaming down her face. Her backpack was open, her books scattered, and her elbow was trickling blood from when she had tripped and fell. A thin layer of dirt covered her face, and her hair was a total mess from Arang, the bully, harshly yanking on it.

And if it wasn’t apparent by now, it was all Arang’s fault that Yejin was in this state.

Sunyoung could clearly see where the contacts were lying at. If only she could just get Arang away...

Just then, the school’s hotshot, Changmin or something like that, strode by, and Arang immediately let go of Yejin’s hair. She gazed after Changmin’s disappearing figure – who didn’t even spare a glance away from his phone – with glossy, dreamy eyes until he turned a corner. She then proceeded to drop the mask and forced Yejin’s head up, bending down to her eye level. If anyone thought she was actually what she acted like around Changmin, who was a full year younger than her, they were only being fooled.

“I’ll deal with you later, peasant,” she spat before straightening, doing a hair-flip, and skipping after Changmin.

Almost as soon as she left the bell rang, and the lingering students quickly scattered until the yard was empty.

Without the din and gossip of the other students, Sunyoung could clearly hear Yejin’s whimpers. She ran forward without hesitation, dropping all of her own school materials, and helped the older girl up. She didn’t bother asking if she was alright, which she obviously was not, so she just bent down to pick up her, helped the girl to her feet, and straight away led her to the girls’ room.

Neither of them spoke. Sunyoung got out a tissue, wet it, and began cleaning Yejin’s face and elbow. Yejin would wince once in a while, but overall she stayed still and silent.

When Sunyoung was done she cleaned the contacts as best she could and gave them back to Yejin. She took her by the hand and led her gently back to the courtyard where their school stuff still was. As they kneeled to pick them up, Yejin finally spoke.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“Welcome,” Sunyoung replied shortly. “I couldn't simply leave with everyone else. That’s cruel. I just wish I could’ve interfered or something.”

“Well, this is a big step forward for me.” Sunyoung turned to Yejin in curiosity. The older girl sighed. “My family moved here from the United States a little less than a year ago, and all those days when I’d bene bullied, no one even bothered to help me after Arang left the yard. You’re the first to care.”

Sunyoung heaved an inward sigh, discreetly glancing at Yejin with sincere sympathy.

The world was so corrupted.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After that incident, Sunyoung and Yejin started spending more time together. Sunyoung had long ago stopped interacting as frequently as she used to with her online friends, though she did keep up writing and listening to her favorite groups’ music. Sunyoung didn’t make any other friends virtually or personally as no one tried to approach her and she didn’t care, but you couldn’t say Yejin was her friend, either. Heck, they never even talked to each other.

Yejin would follow Sunyoung from a small distance whenever they were out of classes, and sometimes even from one class to the next since they shared several, and she lingered at the other side of the Sunyoung’s lunch table, scooting closer and closer to the younger girl with each passing day. Sunyoung allowed it and said nothing about it, since at least she had a little well-meant company. One thing good about it was that now that she was almost always by Yejin’s side, Arang stayed away.

Why?

Well, one day two weeks after Sunyoung had helped Yejin, Arang and her clique approached the two outcasts, dirty smirks plastered on their fake faces. Before they even came within a three-yard radius of her in the courtyard, Sunyoung saw them coming and glowered their way. She immediately stepped forward, grabbed a nearby fist-sized rock and threw it their way, not really aiming for anyone or thing in particular but only wanting to threaten them. However, the rock, hurtling through the air from a throw filled with Sunyoung’s scorn and fury, hit Arang square in the face, giving the girl a broken nose and a loss of a pretty front tooth.

It cost Sunyoung two days of an hour-long detention and two months of suspension, but it was worth it.

Sunyoung figured she must really give off an intimidating aura since no one dared bother her afterwards. And that just proved how amazingly shallow everyone here was.

Flashback

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year: 2016

Age: 15

Place: South Korea

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eighth grade had passed like a breeze – that blew as harshly as a hurricane. Then ninth grade. With each year came a new member or two to the “Outcast Club” as Yejin had liked to joke once she and Sunyoung started to talk a bit during lunch. During her eighth grade year, Sunyoung discovered that there were already several other native-Korean outcasts of different ages and grades who got no better treatment than herself or Yejin. They took to sticking around Yejin and being protected by their “shield”, otherwise known as Sunyoung.

Each year was no different from the last. Each day was no better or worse than the next. Sunyoung’s grades were good, and she was healthy and fit since she started eating better. She landed one of the main roles in every musical the school held and joined girls’ basketball. The opposing team always hated playing against Sunyoung’s due to the angry fire in her eyes and the force with which she dribbled the ball. It was actually scary. She scared herself sometimes when she got too ambitious.

Everything was routine and boring, with Sunyoung always having to keep a wary eye out after the other outcasts; whenever she was absent, she would anxiously be met the next day with a cluster of trembling boys and girls – not to mention the hurting expressions and, sometimes, freshly bruised faces.

Sunyoung grew to hating living in South Korea. She didn’t have anyone to tell her problems and feelings and emotions to, since the outcasts have this unspoken rule of not talking to each other.

Yes there was Him, who promised to always be there no matter what, but in the times of severe depression, she was ashamed to say that she forgot Him. She never forgot to pray with her heart every night but it never seemed to do anything.

Sunyoung was hurt and breaking. She wanted everyone to love each other and for bigotry to just be rid of once and for all. But it wasn’t like she could do anything. She hated always having to fake smiles and laughter when inside, she was cracking like a thin layer of glass. She hated not having any friends and always being made fun of for her differences, and she never got over her best friends not really being her best friends. She hated having to lie to her parents whenever they asked that despised question, “How was school today?” She hated crying herself to sleep while her mind would wander and sleep only came until past midnight; after all her mistakes and regrets and untaken chances flooded her and struck her like lightning. She hated remembering. She hated remembering all the times she’d humiliated herself from being so naïve and was judged, bullied, and ditched constantly. She hated the immense flood of guilt that clung to memories of being rude and disobedient to her parents. She hated all the “what if”s that came to her while she drowned in her overwhelming tears and thoughts. She hated knowing that she was just a second choice, a back-up plan if “friends” weren’t able to hang out with their other actual friends. She hated knowing that it was easy for people to use her because she was always there for everyone else without even being asked for help. She hated knowing that friends were supposed to stick up for each other, and hers rarely did. She hated that because her family moved around so much, she was never able to develop strong friendships; now that she had become like this at her age, there was no visible hope of that ever happening.

She hated knowing that no happiness she ever will encounter will ever stay.

It hurt so, so much.

She just wanted to flee the world and never return.

She wanted to cut and forget with the blood that trickled away. But she never did.

Sure, most would say Sunyoung got it so much easier than others.

She wasn’t handicapped. She did well in school. She had a loving family. She was well-off. She knew how to read and write. She knew how to sing and dance. She knew exactly what she wanted to do in life and how to pursue her dreams.

But everyone who thought of her life this was completely missing the point.

The point was that she could only do and enjoy all these things... alone.

She would study alone. She would earn money alone. She would read and write alone. She would rehearse songs and dances alone. She would audition for K-Pop and pursue her side dreams of becoming an author alone.

She would die alone.

Sunyoung felt this way because she hardly ever got encouragement from people other than her parents, who are supposed to support their children, and no one liked to do the things she did with her. Without encouragement and support from the people surrounding her, without love and guidance, she felt lost and hopeless.

It didn’t make any sense! Sunyoung did and talked like everyone else in the society! She knew slang. She knew celebrities. She listened to the popular songs. She watched the top movies. She dressed modernly. She even wore her backpack with only one strap even when it killed her shoulder!

So then why did people just dislike her so much for who she was?

Her mom had told her once to just be herself, and one day, that one person will come along – that one person will notice her for who she is and like her for that.

Well, “one day” sure seemed more like “one lifetime and a day”.

Yejin had once said the exact same thing. She was always gloomy and downcast, understanding Sunyoung in almost every way. It nearly crept Sunyoung out that she could relate to the majority of her emotions and ways of thinking; it was eerie yet comforting... soothing, even, to know that there was at least one person out there who understood all that.

But that all changed one fateful day early in tenth grade, when Sunyoung was fifteen and Yejin nearly sixteen.

Sunyoung had rushed to the building since she’d been absent the previous day, but instead of a huddled bunch of shaking wide-eyed kids, she was met with a small bewildered crowd and a beaming Yejin. Several students and the entire Outcast Club were following Yejin from a distance, exchanging glances and staring at the Korean-American in both puzzlement and disgust, judgement. The regular kids were actually even talking to the outcasts about what might be wrong with her.

But what confused Sunyoung the most was why Yejin was smiling so widely and at seemingly nothing.

Sunyoung hurried to Yejin’s side, pushing aside the other students. “Yejin, what’s-?” She froze in mid-sentence, stopping dead in her tracks.

Was Yejin... talking to herself??

“Well, I don’t necessarily support that idea either, but it’s not like I have any say in what goes on in the world,” Yejin was saying, at which Sunyoung blinked. There was a brief pause, then Yejin burst out laughing. She lightly slapped at the air next to her and then paused when Sunyoung placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, are you okay?” the younger girl murmured, her eyes wide. “You’re talking to yourself and you’re... smiling.”

Yejin grinned even wider at that. “I’m not talking to myself! I’m-” Only then did she appear to realize the attraction she was drawing. “Are... are they following me?” she asked.

“Yes... because you’re talking to yourself!” Sunyoung repeated.

Yejin giggled. “No I’m not, silly’" She stepped to the side and gestured next to her. “This is Yunho. He’s new here.”

Sunyoung blinked again – there was absolutely nothing where Yejin was pointing except air; emptiness.

Suddenly, Yejin gasped and clasped her hands to . “Oh, why not?” A pause. “Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn’t know... Okay then.” She turned to Sunyoung. “Nothing, n-never mind. Just... Yeah, I’ll be fine. I won’t be following you around anymore, though, like I have been for the past two years. I know that probably annoyed you. Thank you though, really for all that.” She gave Sunyoung a hurried, awkward hug. “See you in class!” And with that, Yejin skipped away, leaving behind a dumbfounded Sunyoung and a rather disappointed crowd.

Sunyoung actually enjoyed Yejin’s presence. It made her feel wanted and welcome, and it gave her a certain sense of duty and security. She wasn’t alone all the time, and she had someone who knew what she was thinking just from facial expression. Yejin didn’t annoy Sunyoung at all. She actually liked the older girl. It sure would be different now that Yejin had her new... imaginary friend.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Days passed.

Weeks.

Halloween came and went.

Every second ticked by with no new event; Sunyoung only grew lonelier with each minute Yejin giggled and talked and laughed with the air, seeming to completely forget about her. It frustrated Sunyoung once she realized that she had relied so much on Yejin’s silent company, that now that the latter was actually happy, instead of being glad for her she wanted to reverse time and bring her back. She would watch with envy and nostalgia as Yejin went about her day as if she’d never been depressed in her life. Sure, the two still somewhat talked and interacted during class and once in a while during lunch, but the twenty-four accompaniment Sunyoung had grown comfortable with was no more. She now thought about the odd friendship she’d had with the older girl and savored those rare moments of half-smiles and small talk.

Sunyoung hated that she was so selfish and negative towards everything. At least Yejin was always somewhat optimistic.

As for the rest of the Outcast Club, things took a huge turn of events for them. People gradually started noticing them and taking an interest in them, friendly inviting them to join clubs and even spending time with them during lunch. Sunyoung didn’t know how it happened, but ever since Arang, the queenka of the school, graduated the year before there weren’t any more cliques as bad or cruel as hers. The other students were probably just following Arang’s example and submitting to her to avoid being bullied. Without her to mess around and abuse those different from her, everyone was eagerly welcoming the others back into the school community – although most people still stayed away from the “crazed” Yejin.

But now, Sunyoung really was completely alone. She honestly didn’t want to make any friends – or rather, she was just used to it and so didn’t bother doing anythi