“I swear upon this sword: I will not betray you.”

“Jongin!” She reached out, her fingers outstretched, but her hands caught nothing but air.

Kyungsoo woke abruptly, his right hand stretched towards the ceiling, as if he was reaching for something. The feeling of cold sweat on his skin made him shiver, and he vaguely recalled how he called for someone’s name, a name he couldn’t quite remember. For a fleeting moment in his mind, he wished he remembered. But he knew it was just a dream, and they were to be forgotten when awake. It was a dream that just felt a little too real.

He had been having weird dreams for the past few weeks. But once he woke up, he forgets them, though something in the pit of his stomach tells him that it isn’t something that he should forget. It was like a memory he once had, but suppressed deep inside of his mind. The mere thought settles uneasily in his gut.

The alarm clock on his bedside table set off loudly, making him flinch slightly in surprise.

“I have to get up,” he says, making a detour to the bathroom.

“By the way, Kyungsoo,” Director Han broke the silence around the dining table and Kyungsoo stopped picking at his food momentarily. He was always distracted lately, that people had to call him a few times before he could give his attention. Despite his distraction, he didn’t actually know what he was deeply thinking about either, so ‘lost in thought’ isn’t quite accurate as a description. His mind was just going in circles, over and over, and ending up thinking about nothing.

“Ah, I’m sorry, director. What were you saying again?”

“It seems like you’re still looking for an apartment to move into?” the director said, and Kyungsoo frowned slightly at that.

The director is the head of the orphanage Kyungsoo was staying in for almost eighteen years and they treated each other like a real family, when it comes down to it. But Kyungsoo had to move away somehow and someday, and didn’t want to wait for it. He didn’t want to be a burden to the director, given that he was old enough to live by himself.

“There’s no need to hurry, though,” the director appeased Kyungsoo, as if sensing his discomfort with the topic. “You don’t have to act like a stranger here. You’re family to me.”

“A-ah. Yes, of course. But it would happen sooner or later, wouldn’t it? So it’s better if I think independently from now on.” Kyungsoo always thought that he shouldn’t be too reliant on others, that he by himself should work hard. It wasn’t as if Kyungsoo disliked receiving help, but he just wouldn’t want to burden other people just because of it.

Director Han only nodded in agreement at Kyunsoo’s words, though displeasure was written plainly upon his kind eyes.

“Could you get the mail for us, Kyungsoo?” He asked after a moment of silence, and Kyungsoo said a silent yes before going outside.

Opening the mailbox, he saw a single sheet of paper inside and a wave of panic coursed through him after seeing its content.

Burn in hell, Do Kyungsoo!

He felt shaken, his whole body going numb from the initial shock. It was happening again. Kyungsoo had been receiving death threats like this since the start of the month, and though nothing happened yet, he felt uneasy and on guard as of late because of it. The letters were always of the same format, magazine letter cutouts pasted together to form morbid words of death.

When he first received the letters, he thought it was a cruel joke from hormonal prepubescents, but he received another one two days after, and another one five days next. Their content were amlost always the same in thought: telling him to die, and wishing he would just die. It was terrifying, an unknown enemy lurking around you, not knowing when they will strike and what they are capable of.

He thought why a person would do that. Why him, of all people? He didn’t go out of his way to make people miserable. Why was he subjected to this kind of hatred, knowing that he had done nothing wrong?

Yet, he was thankful that no one knows about the letters. He didn’t want to worry anyone in the orphanage anymore.

Kyungsoo remembered the time the director talked to him about how he got in the orphanage, He was also an orphan, and he was still a baby when he was found in front of the orphanage’s doorsteps. The director said they had not a clue where he was from or who left him there, except for his name, Do Kyungsoo, which was embroidered around the cloth which covered his small body.

He can’t help but think that there are people who didn’t need him. Like his parents, they left him here because he wasn’t wanted nor needed. He was useless to them, and his heart clenched painfully at the thought. Though no matter how much he wanted to hate his parents for him, he couldn’t. There was a small voice inside of him that argued that maybe his parents really wanted him, but for some obscure reason, they can’t. Why else would they leave him in an orphanage instead of leaving him in the streets to die?

“Someone…” He said, crumpling the letter in a ball, as he looked up in the sky. The clear blue color seemingly blinded him as he prayed for someone, just someone to tell him the truth.

“Tell me the reason why I’m living.”

“Kyungsoo oppa!” He quickly hid the crumpled paper in his pocket as he turned around to see children gathering around him. He took a deep breath in relief, he wasn’t caught.

“What’s up, guys?” he asked, crouching down to meet their level. They were all smiles, and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile too.

“After you go to school,” Jinri, who was wearing cute ponytails, started shyly. “Can you make us those pendants you always make us?”

“Can you make me a really cute one?” Jiyeon exclaimed, earning them both affectionate ruffles on their hair from Kyungsoo. His heart lightened significantly because of these kids. They were also orphans, and Kyungsoo was the eldest, so he took responsibility on these children when the director is not around.

“I’ll make all of you cute ones, all right?” He smiled, truthfully this time. Here at least, there are people who need him. That’s why he was staying, even for a while.

(Last edited: 5/2/14)

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