Chapter 13

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Dear Yoona,

Before you continue reading this it’s important that I tell you to read until you reach the end of this letter. Don’t throw this letter away is all I ask. I don’t ask you anything more than that. This is Yuri writing you. These past few weeks I have felt like a crazy person. My feelings are such that I can’t ignore them even if I try. I don’t know whether you feel the same as I do but I don’t have to. I won’t ask anything from you anymore other than that you read this letter. However, I must write these words down. I am sorry for my mistakes. Every time I hurt you I regret more than anything in this world. It gives me great sorrow to think I was responsible for your pain even once. I never want you to feel pain because I care so much about you. You were my friend and I loved you, I still do now. Even when that feeling fades I know I will always have infinite tenderness for you. We have both behaved foolishly and for that we both pay. I hope you will take only fond memories of me with you when you leave soon. I wish you and Seunggi nothing but the utmost happiness. Perhaps one day you will think of me again with a peaceful heart.

From the person that loves you,

Farewell.

•  •  •

Yoona quickly spit out the toothpaste and washed her face. She looked at her bare-faced reflection in the bathroom mirror and frowned. The 15000 won crème that the lady from the shop had sold her obviously was not having any of its glorious promised effects. She touched her skin lightly with her fingers and then splashed it with water once more. She walked back into her bedroom. Seunggi was lying on her bed, one of her beauty magazines in his hands.

‘’Did you know the latest trend is to wear neon-coloured eyeliner? I, for one, had no idea.’’ He jokingly said. Yoona giggled and threw a pillow at him which he didn’t react to but for a small grin on his face.

‘’You look very handsome right now.’’ Yoona said, admiring the beauty of this man.

‘’I know.’’

‘’It must be the lack of light.’’ She teased and when Seunggi looked up, pretending to be hurt, she stuck out her tongue. He went back to reading the magazine and Yoona yawned loudly.

‘’I’m going to take another hot shower. I’m so tired I’ve gotten restless.’’ She said and Seunggi murmured a quiet okay. Inside the bathroom she took off her clothes and set the shower one more degree higher.

They’d had dinner at Seunggi’s house again, which always made her nervous. The grandiosity of it all was different than what she was used to. She had been anxious all the way through and when they finally finished, Seunggi’s father had insisted they stay so he could show them the apartment they would have in America. It made Yoona’s stomach do all kinds of twists and turns that she didn’t know were possible. The emotions had worn her out but Seunggi seemed perfectly all right. Of course, he didn’t know. On one hand she had been very happy that the secret of her and Yuri had been kept but she also thought about what a relief telling him would be. The trouble would start then, obviously, but constantly walking around with such secrets is never healthy for anyone. It consumes them day and night.

She sighed and let the water stream down her face and back. These days she just couldn’t stop thinking about everything. She didn’t know what she would rather have; the bitter numbness that she felt before or this anxiousness that was with her at all times. She hadn’t been able to sleep properly in days, some days she didn’t sleep at all. She would wake up from her dreams and feel as if she was falling. They were both exhausting to the point where she wanted to give everything up. Go to Europe and play piano in little bars for even less money. Live simply and find a person to share those simple things with. Not think about what was expected of her and what she had to do to continue on being Im Yoona.

How frustrating! She grabbed the sponge and began rubbing her arms with it angrily. This only ended up in making her feel more awake than she had been before, however. She turned the tap off and grabbed a towel for her hair and body. When she had once again gotten into her pyjamas she felt wide awake. She went into the bedroom again.

‘’What’s this?’’

She looked to see what Seunggi was holding in his hand. Her heart nearly skipped a beat when she saw what it was. It was Yuri’s letter. She hadn’t looked at it for quite some time now, though she sometimes thought of it with kind feelings. It comforted her to be able to keep something of Yuri that contained her true feelings at least.

She cautiously took a few steps closer and failed to grab the letter from Seunggi’s hand.

‘’Where did you find that?’’

‘’It was in one of your drawers.’’

‘’What were you looking in my drawers for?’’ Yoona demanded. She couldn’t figure out Seunggi’s expression. She was afraid he might become violent again. He often had the tendency to and even though he never laid a finger on Yoona, in those moments she felt fear.

‘’I wanted a pen.’’ Seunggi just stated, matter-of-factly. She didn’t have a retort for that so it was once again his turn. 0-1.

‘’I thought you didn’t contact her anymore? Why would you lie to me? You’re hiding letters now? What should a person think of those things? Something weird, I think some would say.’’

‘’I was hardly hiding it!’’ Yoona protested, ‘’it was in one of my drawers. You found it so there. She wrote to me, I can’t help that can I? I didn’t write back. There’s nothing weird about it.’’

Seunggi didn’t answer. He just stared at Yoona. Then, very slowly, he began opening the letter. He took out the letter and started reading it out loud. Yoona didn’t dare say anything. The room was filled with tension. She didn’t understand what he wanted her to say. It was just a letter. What could she do? She closed her eyes and tried to block out any sound. She tried to imagine Yuri being here, soothing her with a hand on her back or with her lame jokes. She could feel cold sweat forming at the back of her neck. The room was slightly spinning, she noticed. That was odd. It usually never did that.

Seunggi’s voice appeared to become louder and louder with each sentence. She could hear it like an echo in her head. Finally he reached the end of the letter. She opened her eyes and looked at him. His expression was still unreadable but she could feel his anger. She began taking a few steps back but it made her vision fade in and out of black so she stopped.

Suddenly, Seunggi violently tore the letter apart.

‘’Don’t do that!’’ she protested weakly but her voice was soft. Seunggi sighed heavily and hit the wall with his fist. He turned around and now Yoona could see the sorrow on his face and the tears in his eyes.

‘’It’s an odd letter, isn’t it? You must be close friends.’’ He said and shook his head, grinning. It was mocking her.

‘’I know you met her after I told you not to. Why didn’t you ever tell me? You tell me you love me but what do your feelings tell you?’’

He asked. She remained silent. He stepped forward and grabbed her by her shoulders.

‘’Well? Won’t you at least tell me that? Do you know how humiliating this is for me?’’ his lip was quivering. He didn’t look handsome at all. He looked like a hurt, pitiful, small young boy.

‘’When were you going to stop this game? Were you going to go on until it was too late? You can’t play on both sides, Yoona. You should have chosen a side long ago.’’ his voice broke and he let go of her. She was now shaking and her vision was becoming blurry more and more. She felt the sweat come down her back.

‘’Goddamnit!’’ Seunggi shouted, ‘’you’re in love with that girl. Let’s not act like fools anymore. I’m done with you playing me like that! Do you realize I love you? Why else would I have asked you to marry me? That day, I was so happy you said yes. I could have lied to myself for so much longer. I could have lied until we had forgotten all about it and were living in that country miles away. I could have pretended I never knew. Why couldn’t you?’’ he yelled.

‘’Is that truly how you want to live? Do you feel the same as that girl? At least tell me.’’

Yoona bit her lip. Seunggi once again hold her by her shoulders, more softly this time. His anger was now only apparent in his voice.

‘’If you tell me now, I promise to let you. I want to see you happy. But at least let me know the truth once and for all. You owe me at least that much.’’

Seunggi’s words were slowly getting further away. Her head felt heavy like stone and she recognized her movement as a nod. She opened and tried to say ‘yes’ but it seemed impossible. Everything was moving too slow and the world seemed too dark. She finally felt Seunggi’s hands catch her and then her vision went black.