Chapter 12

•  •  •

Four weeks later

‘’Has anyone ever told you your apartment is very ‘vie bohème?’’ Yuri remarked over a mouthful of cereal.

‘’And by that I mean it’s a mess.’’ She continued.

The place was very messy. However, Yuri liked it since it was a cosy and organized mess. It had come forth out of a lack of space rather than a lack of cleanliness on Jungah’s part. All around Yuri were old French books, vinyl records and bright coloured paintings (one of Jungah’s girlfriends was a painter). On the wall hung a collection of posters and photo’s of old movie stars, as well as photographs of a much younger Jungah with family and friends. The walls themselves were a soft pink, though it was hard to see through the jungle of plants that there was. Some of the spots were affected by the heavy damp that hung in the apartment and had coloured a rather more sombre violet colour. They were sitting in the living room/kitchen/dining room/bedroom. Jungah stepped over a large rose-filled vase and tapped the ash of her cigarette off in a make-do ashtray (a ghastly antique plate, once given to her by her grandmother).

‘’I don’t usually talk to twats, so no. If you don’t like my apartment you know where the door is. In fact, I wanted to ask you when you thought you’d be leaving. I’ve been getting on really well with this girl and she might be moving in soon. Too cramped with you in here.’’

Yuri took the cigarette out of her hands and glared at her.

‘’She’s moving in? You have literally over ten girlfriends.’’

‘’My relationships are none of your business. Unless you still miss me?’’ She cooed and leaned in close to Yuri who pushed her away. Yuri took a drag off the cigarette then handed it back to the older woman.

‘’I don’t miss you.’’

‘’You don’t miss me so much you’ve been living with me for weeks now. Why don’t you go back? Your family must miss you and your father could really use your help in the restaurant as well.’’ Jungah said.

‘’You know why I can’t go back.’’ Yuri grumbled. Jungah rolled her eyes and let the smoke flow from very slowly. She scowled at her.

‘’What!’’ Yuri barked.

‘’Am I going to have to scold you again?’’

‘’No you don’t.’’ Yuri said and leaned over the coffee table to grab the remote control. She switched on the TV, sound filling the room. Jungah huffed and stared at her for a moment. Yuri just started flicking through the channels. Suddenly she snatched the remote out of her hands.

‘’Hey! I was watching television!’’ 

‘’No you weren’t, you were sulking. You have been sulking for days now. You don’t do anything; you don’t study, you won’t clean up your clothes, you don’t talk to me, you don’t wash, you really stink! I’ve had enough of it. As your friend and your elder I am telling you to get off your and get your life back together.’’

‘’I don’t want to go back there,’’ Yuri declared, ‘’and you can’t make me!’’

‘’Oh can’t I? I am pretty sure I can. This is my house. You got your heart a little broken, big deal. You need to grow up and accept your responsibilities. You’re acting like a goddamn idiot! If she was mad at you she would have done something by now. People would be talking about you but they’re not, are they? That poor girl was probably just as confused if not more confused as you are and you left her all alone. So you could come here and sulk. Sulk, sulk, and sulk. That poor Kwon Yuri, she has to spend all day sulking.’’

‘’Don’t patronize me! I don’t sulk!’’

‘’You really, really do. She left you another message on your phone today. Can you believe that girl? Still sending you messages! I would have killed you. Anyway. She saw you at school and waved to you but you ignored her apparently. Rude, Yuri-yah.’’

‘’You read my messages?’’

‘’You get to live in my house; I get to read your messages. This silly game has gone on long enough. You’re going to take shower, I’m going to give you some clean clothes, we’ll make sure you look damn cute and you’re going to talk to that girl once and for all.’’ She ordered. Yuri her teeth and looked down at her lap.

‘’What will happen if things go bad? What if we won’t talk to each other after that?’’ she asked timidly. Jungah looked at her and patted her hand.

‘’You’re afraid of that, huh? If it ends here, it ends here. It’s not a happy ending but life doesn’t always give you one Yuri-yah. You think I’ve never lost any friends? I have and it hurt more than I could ever describe. But you have no choice but to go on. And then you meet all these different people and you suddenly realize you might be able to live without that one person. Eventually you’ll forget all about them and they’ll just be a hazy memory.’’ She noticed the younger girl’s look becoming even more insecure at these words so she immediately blurted out:

‘’But stop! You’re thinking up all these doom scenarios. She might be pleased to talk to you. You and she have so many questions. You’ll finally be able to get an answer to them. Even if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, you might be able to stay friends. She seems like a sweet and kind girl Yuri. I think it’s important you don’t lose her, whatever the outcome may be.’’ Yuri nodded and Jungah stood up. She took Yuri’s hand and pulled her up.

‘’Let’s get you in the shower! Quickly, before the hot water runs out.’’

Yuri immediately bolted to the bathroom.

•  •  •

‘’Bye Tiffany! See you tomorrow!’’ Yoona waved at her friend who slowly walked away, English books in her hand, pink ribbon in her hair. English tutoring had been going well, she was really making progress. She had also found a friend in Tiffany. She was an easy-going, funny and bright young girl and halfway through ‘The Great Gatsby’ (‘’Can you explain to me the title of this book?’’) they had found themselves meeting in restaurants and cafés more often for fun than for studying. She went back inside and switched off the lights in the study. As she was coming down the staircase, she heard the doorbell ring. Assuming Tiffany had forgotten something she went to open the door with a grin. She swung the door open and opened to make a teasing remark when she saw an unexpected face. It was like a punch to the gut.

‘’Hello Yoona.’’ Yuri turned around and looked at her. Yoona stared at her, baffled. They stood there for a couple of seconds before she found her voice again.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ she shakily asked. Yuri weakly smiled at her.

‘’I have some explaining to do.’’

Yoona stepped back so that Yuri could step inside and closed the door. Behind her, she could hear Yuri walking into the living room. She closed her eyes and leaned on the heavy wooden fort for a minute. The cold was calming, a tranquillity in this moment of distress. She took a breath. Then she opened her eyes and followed Yuri into the living room. She’d sat down on the sofa but Yoona wasn’t going to sit down. She didn’t know what to feel anymore. She didn’t know what could possibly be explained. She didn’t know why it would even matter anymore. Shouldn’t she just throw her out? So much nerve! To just come into her house now, unannounced, giving her a dreadful fright. She felt upset and enraged but even with just a few lights on in the living room she could see Yuri’s face clearly. It was apparent the girl was completely beat. She had suffered, too. They both had shared a suffering without even knowing it but now they recognized it to be one and the same immediately.

She crossed her arms and made her voice firm.

‘’Explain.’’

‘’Please Yoona… just sit down,’’ Yuri choked, already her voice was filled with tears, ‘’it’ll make it easier for me.’’ The other girl hesitated but was eventually merciful on Yuri and went to sit down at the other end of the sofa. She kept her arms crossed and her eyes determined. She had never been a weak girl in confronting situations; whatever her appearance may leave people to believe.

‘’That day I kissed you… I did it because I couldn’t help myself. I have loved you from the first moment I met you. Never have I felt so strongly for someone as I did with you. I- it’s hard for me to say these things. I know you’re disgusted-‘’

‘’I’m not disgusted,’’ Yoona interrupted aggressively, ‘’how can you say that? Why do you pretend to know my feelings? I kissed you back, didn’t I?’’

‘’I know that. I just thought you regretted it afterwards. When those people suddenly came in… I thought I saw regret on your face. And your relationship with Seunggi, I didn’t think you would feel that way about me, truly.’’

‘’Well you were right about one thing. I did regret it,’’ Yoona said. It was like a slap to Yuri’s face.

‘’but now for the reason you thought. I regretted doing it like that. So secretive and in that dirty dark room. Like two criminals sneaking away in the night. I regretted doing it because of my relationship with Seunggi.’’

She said. She spoke slowly and clearly. Then she paused for a moment, as if to think. Yuri did not dare say anything but waited for those next few words.

‘’But as for my feelings… I was confused at that time. Now I know they are the same for me. From that very first day, I have loved you, too. However I did not realize I could love you. As a girl, I didn’t think it an option. Then you told me your secret that day and I began to wonder. When you kissed me, I was sure about my feelings. But then I didn’t know anything else. I wondered how we would go forth from that point. I wanted to ask you. You disappeared.’’

Suddenly her voice became louder and a sob escaped .

‘’Did you know what I felt like? I didn’t sneak away like you! I went on feeling like that with the whole world to see. What do you think facing Seunggi was like? What do you think I said when people asked about you? ‘We’re not seeing each other anymore, we’re so busy,’ honestly! How can you come here and tell me these things, that you love me, that you care about me, when your recent actions have shown me the exact opposite is true? I thought you were my friend! You’re a coward, Yuri-yah. I have no respect for you!’’ she shouted. The cat bolted away from out of the corner of the room. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Yuri stood up and kneeled in front of her. She tried to grab Yoona’s hand but Yoona pushed her away.

‘’Don’t do that. I want you to leave!’’

‘’Please, Yoona, let me speak too. I know I did wrong but I’m here now. I can’t even change what I did in the past but I can be a better person from now on. If our feelings are truthful, how can we go wrong? I love you and you love me and that’s a better start than most. I owe you so much. Even more now. It can be so perfect. We’ll just continue to be friends, okay? To the outside world, I mean. Nobody has to know. Not until you’re comfortable with it. We don’t need anything other than that.’’

Yoona began shaking her head violently, ugly sobs coming more and more frequently.

‘’You’re an idiot!’’ she screamed, ‘’Of course we need more than that! What will we do now? We can’t anymore. Why didn’t you reply to my messages that first day? I made such a mistake. I finally thought I was sure and now you’re here and you mess it all up again!’’

‘’What on earth are you talking about?’’ Yuri asked, once more grabbing Yoona’s hands, this time she wasn’t pushed away. She began soothing her.

‘’Calm down, breath slowly,’’ Yuri showed the other girl how to move her chest up and down slowly, ‘’good… good. Calm down now. Talk.’’

The sobbing had made Yoona’s eyes bloodshot and her voice as weak as a feather.

‘’You’ve come too late. Because I was confused, because I was an idiot, because I love him, I made a decision that day. I’m leaving with Seunggi. To America.’’ She grabbed hold of Yuri’s hand and moved it from hers. A small silver ring with a diamond on it became visible.

‘’We’re engaged.’’

‘’You’re joking?’’ Yuri said. Her eyes had gone wide and she looked as white as a sheet. It was obvious that she wasn’t joking. The room was once more filled with silence. Responding to the silence, from the other room the cat suspiciously slid into the living room once more, coming to a rest in its comfortable nest; the corner next to the book shelves. It was blissfully unaware of the tension in the room.

‘’I don’t understand,’’ Yuri muttered, ‘’why did you say yes?’’

‘’I don’t know. I said yes, alright? And I think I’ve had enough sleepless nights over this. You’re not allowed to make me feel guilty about this! I’ve made my decision! I’ll have a perfect life with the perfect husband. We’ll have many perfect children. It will be quiet and normal. It will be what faith had in store for me.’’

Her voice shook and she closed her eyes. She looked as if she was in pain.

‘’Don’t act as if you are so cold,’’ Yuri hissed, ‘’I know you care about me. You know your feelings, don’t deny them! You love me! Do you care about him?’’

‘’Yes! I do! A lot!’’ Yoona shouted.

‘’I know he doesn’t make you feel this!’’ Yuri gasped and kissed Yoona again. She placed her hand on the back of her head and her waist, pulling her body close to hers. Yoona leaned into the kiss, grabbing Yuri with both of her arms around her neck. Yuri was sure she would be able to feel her heartbeat bounding in her chest. The adrenaline in her veins made her feel exuberant. But the feeling was short-lived. Yoona stopped the kiss and pushed Yuri off of her, harder now, so she fell to the floor.

‘’Go. Leave my house and don’t think you’re ever to set foot in here again. I want you to leave me and my life alone.’’ She said firmly. Yuri lifted herself up and chuckled. They were both standing now, Yuri looming over Yoona because of her extra height.

‘’Now that you’ve got yourself a pretty little ring I suppose you can give mine back?’’ she said. Yoona’s eyes darted from the wall to her eyes and back. Very slowly, making sure Yuri saw, she went to the kitchen table and grabbed her handbag. She took out the ring and walked back to Yuri.

‘’You’re not denying it then! What a surprise! And just acting as if you didn’t know all this time. Straight girls don’t steal other girls’ jewellery because of the other person.’’

But Yoona did not reply. She only grabbed Yuri’s hand and slid the ring over Yuri’s finger. Then she grabbed her by the collar and gave her a long kiss. They both looked in each other’s eyes. Both of them found themselves there.

‘’Goodbye.’’ Yoona stated. Yuri left.