Why do people always bother about my life anyway? It is not. I can choose not to be concerned; when I handed my singing record to YG when I was sixteen, I knew it would change everything. I am the leader of the biggest girl group in South Korea; we are 2NE1, and we set the rules on fire. We put a standard for them. Do not act like a fool because our songs are different. We charge a record on USA Billboard, and we are 2NE1. And I just happen to be the leader.

CL is my persona, which I create for 2NE1. Meanwhile, Lee Chaerin is mine; it's my life. I am twenty-two. Sometimes I just want my teenage life back or to have a childish moment. Do not tell me that I am a strong or badass female, and sometimes I want to rest and forget about the world. I couldn't cry in front of the member, so I kept my world shut. I closed the door behind my room because it meant a lot. That room is my life as Lee Chaerin, my life.

Of course, I know what I'm doing. I am perfectly aware of it.

People love me, but mostly they hate me because they think I am destroying 2NE1 through my solo activities. Why did you people always feel like you know everything about me? It never occurred to my mind to destroy what we have right now. 2NE1 is my second home, my family, my everything. We share times, and I cherish every moment of it. And why would I want to destroy everything I love?

Do you people destroy things you love? For your benefit? Well, at least I don't.

When I launched my solo, "The Baddest Female," I didn't know if the song I sang hurt the Muslim people. I didn't know that, but why did you intentionally hurt me? I never know. The Baddest Female set me on a different dimension, put me into a new one. I am enjoying the part of being CL, The Baddest Female, not just CL, the charismatic leader. 

Your lesbian crush.

My crush.

I hate to admit it, but I get jealous quickly if it's about Dara unnie. I hated when I heard she took a hundred times to kiss Minho, when the Shinee guys kissed her, or when she appeared on Taeyang's MV. And I hate Seungri, not just because he knows me very well. He always tries to hook Dara unnie with a lot of strangers. That panda, he always gets on my nerves. Who does not love Dara unnie? She is adorable. I do not want everyone to lay their hand on Dara unnie.

I need to see how the world reacts to my Baddest Female, how they will say to my action. 

Do the unnie?

I do want to do that.

But, I am afraid! CL might be badass, but Chaerin? 

"What are you thinking, baby sis?" I heard Jiyong oppa's voice, and he patted my head.

"A lot. Why do people think of us as a couple? Why are they forcing us to admit it? Admitting what? Is there anything between us to be admitted to the public?"

"Ahahahahaha.. so you were thinking about that?"

"Yeah.. it is bothering me."

"It didn't bother you when people guessed about you and Dara noona." I can see his smirking face; I want to punch his face to wipe that smirk out of his face.

"Shut it."

"Listen to me, Chaerin; your life is yours. Your feeling is also yours. You might be CL, but you are still the same Lee Chaerin that came to this building six years ago. Don't make those people affected by what you are, and expectations might be high for us as the leader of the biggest group band in South Korea. It is normal, they have high hope, and it is right for them to expect us to be together. I'm G Dragon, and you're CL, the baddest female. They see what they want to see. They see us. Not seeing me as Jiyong or you as Chaerin."

"I know."

"And I know the reason why you kiss me on stage." He is grinning.

"Euh.."

"I know where your eyes landed, Chaerin. I know who sees you as Lee Chaerin. I know..." He made me blush red; he always knows me best.

"And I did kiss her once; people did the same thing with me and her as we are."

"I know... Don't kiss her again, oppa..."

"What? Jealous?"

"I think... yes."

"You're so cute!! Lemme hug you!"

"This! This skinship is the reason people make a false assumption!"

"Why bother? Come on, let me hug you! I'm your oppa!"

"Yea yea yea..."

He always hugs me like this; Jiyong oppa and I are two different people with the same responsibility. We are the leader, and we set the record. We manage to be the best. Sometimes things are comfortable if I talk to him. Please don't compare us; we are second to none. I am with 2NE1 and he is with Bigbang.

He knows the answer to what I should do, but as he says, I am what I am, and he is what he is. Nobody can own us; we do not give anyone privileges of what they want us to be. 

That includes who I love.

I don't know when I start to develop a different feeling for her, my Dara unnie. She is always cute and dorky in front of the camera; she is our vitamin. While Bommie unnie is the spoiled one and the dork one, both are so great together. They made Minzy and me laugh hard; sometimes, they just forget how old they are. They should take care of Minzy and me, not the other way around.

But, we manage to switch roles. Sometimes when the camera is off or when it is just us. They are the older ones, especially Dara unnie. She is the person with the most robust heart I have ever known. She knows how to pamper me when I miss my family so much. She knew when I was about to break down; her hands were always there to touch me, help me, and make me feel better.

And I start to love her more than I should; I begin to look at her differently. Something that should not happen, things I cannot explains. Every time I reach my limit, she stares at me with eyes full of thoughts. The same eyes I probably have for her; I know she feels the same.

"Why?" I kept asking her.

"I don't know, Chae..." And her answer is always the same.

Why did I have to feel like this?

Why did I have to develop things for Dara unnie more?

Why cannot it other people?

"Why?"

"I don't know, baby Rin.." She hugged me, and she started crying. It was supposed to be me who wanted to cry.

I am not allowed to cry in front of other members. I am the leader. Sometimes, I want to be myself in front of this only person. 

How to explain it in words?

How to tell people how many untold feelings I have for her?

How to tell them it is her that I longed to be with? Not G Dragon, not that Seungri panda. 

How? 

Or can somebody tell me how to stop these feelings?

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Please tell