Miǎnfèi 「免费」

Xiumin looked down from the rooftop of his school during lunch break. He hung his arms over the railings and watched the students - Most of them with their own cliques. The typical "jocks" played football or basketball and the so-called "popular girls", admired  them from the sidelines. Then comes the "nerds" or "geeks"; It was a beautiful day out, so some decided to study, yes, study, outside. That is, if they were not harassed by the bullies. "Regular kids" were scattered, having lunch with their friends.

"Yah, Xiumin," a familiar voice reached his ears, but he didn't turn to his friend. "Yahh!" 

"Ah, what?" Xiumin finally glanced at Chen, who was munching on some steamed buns or "baozi." 

"You didn't eat anything again." Chen tossed a hot baozi to Xiumin, who caught it with one hand.

"That's because I know you'll give me some food," Xiumin smiled, but sarcasm dripped from his voice.

"Stupid!" Chen hit him in the head. "Don't rely on me for food! I buy this with my own money, you know."

"Whatever," the boy replied, taking a big bite out of the bun. 

To his surprise, his friend didn't lash out another comeback. Instead, Chen asked as question. "What are you doing on the roof all alone again?" 

"Studying," Xiumin lied and bit his tongue.

"Liar!" Chen objected, with bits of pork bun flying at Xiumin. Xiumin flecked a crumb from his shoulder and raised his right eyebrow at him. "You were..." Chen swallowed his food. "Observing the students again, right?" 

Xiumin rubbed his temples with his free hand and sat down at the only table on the rooftop. "So what if I was?" 

"Come on, Xiumin. I know you like to see the students from up here... But, no one told you to do so, even if you're the vice president of the student council. I mean, look at me!" Chen forced a laugh and leaned against the railings, crossing his arms. Chen was, after all, was the student body president. He felt so irrated with Xiumin, who used to hang with him a lot. But now, he got the feeling Xiumin was going through depression. 

"That's not it." Xiumin sighed heavily and smiled weakly at Chen. "It's just that sometimes..." 

"Yah, if something's bugging you, spit it. Literally you can spit on me. Afterall, I do that to you a lot," Chen smirked.

"No, it's just that... I'm jealous of you. You've got a girlfriend, Chen." Xiumin ran his hand through his hair and let out the umpteenth sigh. 

Chen had no idea where this conversation was heading. Did Xiumin just say that he liked his girlfriend? But, before the anger could bubble within him, Chen decided to play safe and ask yet another question. 

"What do you mean?" 

"You might not get what I mean, but," Xiumin looked at Chen straight in the eye. "You got to experience what it's like to fall in love. What it's like to have someone make your heart beat fast. I know I'm the 'socially awkward' when it comes to having girlfriends, etc. But, because of what you have - Not your girl - Your relationship - I envy you for that." With those words Xiumin's eyes fell to the ground and his face turned reddish.

He felt so embarrassed that he just had to envy his best friends. He just had to -

"Xiumin." Chen put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with that. If you envy me for my relationship, then you must envy all those other people who are in a relationship too. Just look around you." Chen guestured to the railing and Xiumin squinted at the sight. It was hard to see amongst the crowds, but soon he spotted couples. 

Most of them held hands, others were having lunch together, and he was quite surprised when he caught a love-struck couple passionately kissing near the old playground.

It used to be a playground for the elementary school which was nearby. But, when the highschool expanded its grounds, the playground was a new addition. Teenagers, of course, don't enjoy things a 6-year-old did. The playground was untouched and was slowly decaying. It looked like a graveyard to most, and was therefore 'abandoned'. Though, a vacant playground was just a perfect place for infatuated and gutsy highschoolers to makeout.

However, something or someone just caught Xiumin's eye: A girl. Not like any he's ever seen - She wore her school uniform, which seemed to be dirtied, and her very long, messy hair was dyed a  flaming auburn. Her lips were slathered with bright red lipstick which almosted looked like blood. Xiumin's sight failed him in looking at the highschooler's face in detail.  Most particularly, this girl lay down on the top of the monkey-bars in the 'abandoned playground' with her hands crossed comfortably behind her head. The weird lass seemed to be watching the clouds by herself. Or weirder yet, sleeping. 

Odd, thought Xiumin. So, very odd. I've never seen her around. Maybe she's a transfer student or something of the sort. Subconciously, he placed his elbows on the railing and lay his chin on the palms of his hands. This girl definitely caught his eye - He's just never noticed it before. 

"She's so... beautiful," he finally said in one breath out loud, very quietly. 

Now,  Xiumin felt blood rush to his face and his heart beat faster.  Sweat glistened on his forehead and he grinned wildly to himself, looking like a fool. Indeed, it seemed as if Xiumin had just won the 43-kilometer marathon. But, it was something much much more than that. For the first time in his life, Kim Minseok was in love. 

****

It's been 4 days since Xiumin last saw the girl; 4 days too long.  This lunch, he decided - today is the day. The day he would march down to the playground where the maiden napped on the monkey-bars and confess his love for her. Xiumin imagined himself like a knight in shining armor, pleading "Rapunzel" to let down her hair, or better yet, a rope. Then he laughed at the foolishness of the idea of the girl becoming his betrothed. 

Who knew? He chuckled to himself. True love is, well, true! Real, I mean. God, Xiumin, stop sounding so cheesy! Then out of habit, he hit himself on the head to scold his ludicrous thoughts. 

Xiumin finally neared the deserted playground and glanced around cautiously, looking for ears that might hear or eyes that might see. He was wary of the people who would know of his love which was only meant for that person. Her and her only. 

Though, this time, the girl wasn't on top of the monkey-bars, gazing at the sky. 

No worries. Xiumin assured himself. She's probably in one of the covered slides. I remember her disappear into the red or blue one when it started raining yesterday. 

As he came to the washed-down maroon slide and peeked through the side, saw no one. He moved to the blue one, which was right next to it, but to his dismay for the second time, it was empty. Xiumin looked around the whole playground and his hope ebbed away slowly, like water leaking from a bucket. He returned to his normal place at the roof-top with a heavy heart.

"Hey, Xiumin, where've you been?" Chen said, who to Xiumin's surprise, was next to his girlfriend, Hyo Sun. The girl was beautiful, he would admit. Perfect deep brown hair, with chocolate brown eyes to pair with it. She was rather small, but just the right size to allow Chen to give her a kiss easily - Which he just did. Just a small peck, though, because Chen was in the presence of his friend.

Xiumin bowed awkwardly to Hyo Sun, who smiled back. 

"I've," he let out a sigh. "Looking for someone." 

"Well, if you've been looking for me," Chen let out a laugh. "I've been here the whole time!" His girlfriend giggled, and clung onto his arm. "But, to be truthful, you weren't really looking for me, right?" His eyes softed as he tried to sense his best friend. 

"I-I was looking for a girl," Xiumin said the last part almost inaudibly. "One with strikingly auburn hair and always had bold red lipstick on. She used to stay by the abandoned park, resting atop the monkey-bars. I tried to look for her today but-" 

Hyo Sun let out a gasp and Chen stared at him with a half-disgusted and half-suprised look on his face. 

"Xiumin-sshi," Hyo Sun started. "You don't mean Kang Jan Aea, do you?" 

"Kang Jan Aea?" Xiumin eye's lit up, almost forgetting the way they looked at him. "That's her name?" The love-struck boy let out a deep sigh, but Chen suddenly spoke up. 

"You don't mean you're in love with the most rudest - coldest - and weirdest girl in the whole highschool?!" He blurted, which did hurt his friend's feelings. Xiumin was known to him as a guy with a stout heart. One that could be easily broken; One that needed to be watched out for.  Chen knew that when the girl rejected him, Xiumin's pain would hurt more than the harsh words he had just said to him. Besides, Chen himself was drawn to Janea, (her nickname), when he was a freshman. Now as a senior and realizing he had fallen for a heartless girl who rejected him with an attitude so bitingly cold, he refused to let his best friend fall into a void of sadness.

"Yes," Xiumin's voice hushed, blighted by his closest friend's bitter words. His face fell to the ground and he shuffled his feet nervously, hoping to shrink away. 

"Xiumin, just give up!" Chen candidly replied louder. 

"S-so what?! Y-you don't control my li-fe, Chen!" Xiumin finally let it all out with a shaky voice. He disliked this side of him, but knew that it was the only way to be with the girl he loved. Whether it be 'love at first sight' or that she's the 'ice queen' of the whole school, plus known as the outcast/weird person;  Xiumin didn't care at all. 

"I beg to differ -  listen to yourself, Xiumin!" Chen flailed his arms, which made his girlfriend step back consciously. "You don't understand, but that girl - She's made of ice. She'll freeze your perfect self - You Xiumin! You're a top student! Falling for the wrong girl that is. She's ruin everything you have..." With the last sentence, he balled his fists. "Trust me, it takes a long time to get over a heartbreak." 

The latter was annoyed, but pressed on. "Chen, just- Stop, okay? I may be the good boy now, but I'm willing place all my cards on the table and gamble if she reciprocates her love for me. If she does, then I'll be a rich man; If she doesn't, I'm willing to face the pain and the consequences." 

"Just don't come crying to me if you get hurt, and," Chen added. "Don't become like her - With a frozen heart." Hyo Sun left along with Chen right when the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch break. However, Xiumin stayed behind. 

I'll show him! He glared and looked below him. He didn't feel like going to class and see Chen or Hyo Sun, right after what had happened. He eyed the small flat-topped shack on the roof where they manage electric maintanance. Xiumin decided to skip class and get away with it by laying atop the tiny shack; There was even a built-in ladder on the side, so he thought he would give it a try. 

This was probably the first time Xiumin was ever going to skip class. Chen's words were truthful when he said that Xiumin was a smart, good kid - Because he was. A sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach and in the bottom of his heart clouded his conscience and he felt his blood rush faster as this feeling as totally new to him.

He set one foot after the other, climbing higher and higher, with the wind becoming increasingly strong. It was a cloudy day, today, so he might as well spend a few hours of desolation before the storm came. But, to his surprise, there was yet another person on the same roof as he. To clear assumptions,  a girl; To be percise, a sleeping, auburn-haired girl. 

"Kang Janea..." Xiumin whispered, ever-so subtly, though just enough to stir the girl. She turned to her side, which faced Xiumin and her long, lush black lashes fluttered open. Finally, Xiumin was able to see her face in most detail. Her hair and her lips were a standout. Her skin, which was quite tanned from prolonged exposure to the sun, was a creamy light caramel. It looked so soft to the touch. But, her eyes - he's never seen eyes like her's before; They  seemingly harmless, beautiful hazel eyes. However, Xiumin had recalled Chen's warning, "She's like ice." Indeed, "The eyes were a window to one's soul." Janea's eyes were piercing eyes, and suddenly she sat up, poised like a panther. 

"H-hi?" Xiumin stuttered at the sight. Their eyes clicked, and immediately, Xiumin looked down. He inched a little closer and sat down a few feet away from her. 

Janea viewed him skeptically, but he sound of his voice softened her eyes, only ever so slightly. "Hey," she whispered. From that whisper, Xiumin discerned that she was a singer or a speaker of some sort, from the first word she said, her voice sounded husky, and a tad bit deep. Out of Xiumin's captivation of Janea, he never even thought that she would be a yelling-unforgiving girl who was brought up in a house of quarreling parents. The speculation never formed that she would take out her anger on her siblings or on people who made mistakes in her presence. Then Xiumin's inferred that she could most likely be a shy girl - Someone who just wanted to be loved. 

An awkward silence filled the air and tension grew between them. Xiumin took his chance.

"So, um, Kang-Kang Jan Aea, is it?" He mentally-face palmed his nervousness.

"Yeah," she let out quietly once more. "You must be Kim Minseok." 

Xiumin was elated to find out that his crush knew his name. "You can call me Xiumin," he smiled. 

****

Within a few minutes, Janea hesistantly spoke to Xiumin, her eyes always to the ground.  During those few, blissful moments, Xiumin listened to an "ice queen's" words and stories; To him, she sounded like a perfectly normal girl, just hoping for someone to notice her good traits. She talked about her life with her parents and how she doesn't care that she grew up with a partially mislead image. Sure, she was a "cold" girl, but who dared to venture into her heart? No one. Xiumin realized that she wasn't frozen in the ice of her image, she was simply frosted by it.

 All that time, Xiumin sat in "fetus" position occasionally giving his opinions or flashing a smile. Janea felt at ease with the boy, and she felt like she opened up in a whole new way. Everytime he stared her in facination, she felt her face get hot. However, there was a nauseating feeling that was started to boil inside of her. Janea knew she let him linger for too long - long enough to let the memories flood back...

Then the school bell rang, it signalled the end of the period. 

Janea breathed a sigh of relief as she stood up to leave. But, he unexpectedly grabbed her hand. Xiumin stood up and held her shoulders to make her face him. He looked deep into her hazel orbs and his lips parted, about to speak. 

"Don't, Xiumin." 

The confessor was dumbfounded. What did I do wrong?  He didn't even say what his heart ached to let out. He didn't get a chance to -

"I didn't know that you liked me," Janea went on, her eyes finally fixated on him. "But, you can't do this." Now, not only was he shocked, Xiumin was thoroughly confused as well.

"What do you mean?" Xiumin's voice became hushed once more. But, no, he didn't want her to get away this time. "I-I like you Kang Jan Aea. I don't think I could live without you. Sure, I was skeptical of 'love at first sight' but, I've never known 'love at first sight' until I met you. Just believe me. Kiss me, and you'll see." Xiumin flushed as he realized his bold words, but his conscience was urging him on, making him braver. Now, he just wanted to wipe the red color off of her lips with his own. How much he just wanted a simple peck!

Janea looked at him with unwavering eyes and did not back down when Xiumin closed in on her. Xiumin seemed like he was in a trance and he his lips neared hers and finally - he brushed their lips together. This first experience sent something like an electrical charge throughout him, but he was content. He hugged her tightly, and decided to take a pause before he face her again. When he saw her, she stood their and shock, her eyes wide open, but she was blushing a light pink.

Then, all too suddenly,  the girl tore away from him, with tears forming in her eyes. They fell down slowly on her flawless skin, and Xiumin reached his finger out to brush them away. This time, Janea hit his hand and paced back a few steps. The boy drew his hand back and touched his lips - The ones that were supposed to give comfort and statement of his love.

"You don't understand," She said, tears falling like rain. "You can't do this to me Xiumin!" Janea clutched her hair in utter desperation. "You can't just say that you love me all of a sudden!" 

"But, I can!" Xiumin took a step forward. "I just did." 

"No no no! You're too dumb to even realize that..." Her voice suddenly grew quiet. "That- I loved you all those years. From freshman to five months ago! Don't you see, Xiumin? I gave up on you - One of the smartest guys in the school- One of the handsomest in my eyes- The kindest, now that I got to know you. Did you even consider to find out who sent you those little gifts or letters? Did you even notice me until, what, last week?" 

The boy was taken aback - No, he's never noticed that before. In fact, he announced to the whole school that who ever was sending the love notes and the like should just stop. The letter and goodies disappeared and Xiumin had forgotten all about it. 

"And now-" Janea gasped for air in her agony. "Now, that I was trying to get you out of my mind- You suddenly come back with a smile and say, 'I like you'? Do you know that my friends abandoned me because they thought I was weird for obessing so much? Do you know that I've dolled myself up for someone else hoping - seeking I would find another who would love me which would make me fail to remember you?" 

"That doesn't matter now!" Xiumin advanced. "All that matters is that I love you." His words were powerful and final. He looked at her with sincerity and in return the girl let out a weak, but truly fake smile.

Now, the boy came closer unanticipatedly to embrace the girl, but the girl stepped back and cried in a shrill voice, "Don't come close to me! Don't -" 

With those words, her heel went over the edge of the roof all too soon. Xiumin's eyes widened and he stood there, frozen, with one arm outstretched. Janea's figure fell at a deadly speed from a terrible height.  She let out a short scream, only to be muted a moment later followed by a loud clang! 

Desperately fighting his shock, he inched towards the place where his love had fallen and looked over. Her head lay gruesomely near the railing and she looked like a rag doll- Limp and lifeless. Her auburn hair stained with scarlett.  Xiumin suspected her head had the railing when she fell. He finally climbed down the ladder and walked towards her corpse - He knew that she was dead. Filled with sorrow, and unrequited pain, Xiumin placed his ear on her chest, hoping to hear a heartbeat. 

Silence filled the air, which felt terribly thin; Gray clouds overhead turned darker and darker by the minute. Then the rain came so suddenly and masked the salty tears that flowed from his eyes.  He screamed in his despondency. He clutched Janea's limp and lifeless body while teardrops wet her already-dirted uniform. Xiumin ran his hand through her hair and her face with his finger; How much he wanted to take back the time! He kissed her lifeless lips once, only to be overcome by grief some more. Xiumin's body shook as he sobbed, his head bent over her body.  Sadness pricked his heart and guilt gripped his conscience.

He- Xiumin, had just kill an innocent girl. To make the situation even more ghastly, he had just killed the love of his life, Kang Jan Aea.

The one and only girl he will ever love. 

I'm sorry. So, so very sorry, my dear.

She had a frosted heart; I could've thawed it. 

But, the truth is, I was the one frozen forever.

 

♦Author's Note:

It's hard to let go, isn't it? I've gone through that before, letting go of someone I dearly love, because I realized that the guy was never going to return the love I had. When I let go, I was free. Free from the bonds that once controlled me - Free to be myself. But, now, I'm going through yet another painful process letting one of my best friends go. He's growing up and I couldn't stand to watch him became so different from the little boy he was before. It will come with tears and sleepless nights and anxiety, but the end is very... liberating. That's why, I bid you farewell with a quote.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” 

-Ann Landers

P.S.

Miǎnfèi is Chinese for "Free", but as most of you who use Korean lingo (oppa, unni, aniyo, etc) you might've noticed that the first 4 letters in Miǎnfèi  says "Mian" which is Korean for "I'm sorry" in an informal way.