title: A Boy with a Name

author: EPIONE

reviewer: innoculous

Noteworthy points:

• An interesting excerpt was included in the Description.

It was made for her. Maybe, Daehyun made it for her.

• Great description throughout the fic. Really liked the little details (bolded below).

Jongup’s great. He makes her hazelnut coffee and tells her about his life and her brother’s life. He’s only a bit older than her and he’s close to everyone. And he’s always somewhere Jiae can find her. But she can’t talk to Jongup about Daehyun because Daehyun is also bandmates with Jongup and Youngjae, her brother, and it’s beginning to bother Jiae.

So they talk about stupid things like the weather and their deadbeat friends.

Because Daehyun is great. Daehyun is really great to her. But sometimes Daehyun looks at Jiae like she’s a broken piece of glass held together by glue. As though he’s hopeful that the glass won’t break, but is wary that it will.

• Detailing and describing is very nice, overall. The usage of vocabulary is sprinkled makes it a better read.

• No remarkable complaints about plot, which was interesting if not straight forward. Jiae had a realistic characterization and her psychological state was also engrossing. Though the story is Daehyun/Jiae, it felt more Jiae-centric, with the other members as side characters.

• Jiae as in Yoo Jiae, one of the Woollim girls? And Daeyeol as in Lee Daeyeol, Sungyeol’s brother? :)

Grammatical, mechanical, etc.

• From the description:

Original: Youngjae once said, "look out for my sister," when he still doesn’t know Daehyun well to know not to ever trust him with anything anyone loves. So, Daehyun said okay.

Edited: Youngjae once said, "Look out for my sister," when he still didn’t know Daehyun well enough to know not to ever trust him with anything anyone loves. So, Daehyun said okay.

Explanation:

doesn’t → didn’t because “Youngjae once said” is in past tense and “doesn’t” is present tense.

to know → to know because earlier in the same sentence, it’s written “he still doesn’t know,” which would cause it to sound repetitive if “to know” was inserted again.

anything anyone loves was left unchanged and highlighted instead because the phrasing was rather confusing. Is the anything that Youngjae is trusting Daehyun with referring to his sister? If so, anything should be corrected to anybody. If the anyone is referring to Youngjae, maybe it should be changed to he for coherency’s sake.

• The excerpt in the description:

Original: ‘You can go back,’ a voice says softly, and Jiae realises why it’s familiar now. It’s Youngjae’s voice—the one she heard so long ago. But it’s quiet. It’s getting quiet. ‘Talk to me. You’re strong.’… ‘DO IT,’ Daehyun's voice snarls in her mind. “Stop it,” Jiae growls, eyes shut, with her hands over her ears. Then, it’s softer,“You know you have to. It’s the right thing to do.” And Jiae knows it’s right. So, when she opens her eyes, she is standing on the edge of the lake. There’s a thin layer of snow across the top, providing some traction. It was made for her. Maybe, Daehyun made it for her.

Notice all the dialogue. Notice, also, the dialogue from two different people in the same paragraph. It’s hard to differentiate who’s speaking sometimes, especially when everyone’s lines are in the same group of sentences. One part that really had me for a second was Youngjae’s “Talk to me. You’re strong,” separated only by “...” before Daehyun began speaking. I had to stop and think for a second. Maybe try a new line when there is dialogue from a different person. For example:

Edited:

‘You can go back,’ a voice says softly, and Jiae realises why it’s familiar now. It’s Youngjae’s voice—the one she heard so long ago. But it’s quiet. It’s getting quiet.  ‘Talk to me. You’re strong.’

‘DO IT,’ Daehyun's voice snarls in her mind.

“Stop it,” Jiae growls, eyes shut, with her hands over her ears.

Then, it’s softer,“You know you have to. It’s the right thing to do.” And Jiae knows it’s right. So, when she opens her eyes, she is standing on the edge of the lake. There’s a thin layer of snow across the top, providing some traction. It was made for her. Maybe, Daehyun made it for her.

This isn’t exactly how you must divide the paragraph, but it does make it easier to read quickly. I did see that it was differently formatted in the actual story though.

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