title: Ludos

author: thebaroness

​reviewer: innoculous

Notes: Only the first five chapters were read.

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Stickies:

• Your OCs could have a bit more characterization. They seem a little two-dimensional, flat. More description overall would nice. Violet sounds exactly the same as her friends, Kim and Amy. Even if you swapped their names, it may not be noticeable.

• Since this is a high school au, it’s supposedly in “the real world,” where EXO’s real names should probably be used. Jongin for Kai, Yixing for Lay, etc. Though this also sounds as though it takes place outside of Korea because of the OCs names?

Mechanical, grammatical, etc.

• Description-wise, I think there may have been one error.

The first one is called Eros, a love so romantic, so passionate.

Second is Storge, a friendship love that grows over time.  

And third, is a love known as Ludos, a love that is played as a game.

And with that, their story begins.

The description/foreword is very important because it’s one of the things that compels someone to read your story, so it’s best to make sure it is absolutely error-free.

• From the foreword:

Original: They both realizes that this would probably end in a mess.

Edited: They both realize that this will probably end in a mess.

• Excerpts found in the foreword should be checked for grammatical errors. First paragraph/excerpt is corrected below.

Original: "If she says she is looking at an angel she will be exaggerating but that is exactly what she’s looking at, or at least that's what she thought. She locks her eyes with his, mouth not saying anything. That fine twinkling eyes that she is looking at are so beautiful she almost thought he got a plastic surgery for it, that pointed nose of him that really fits his delicate face, that sharp jawline that makes him look so masculine, so manly, and that adorable lips of him that she would be more than willing to kiss."

Edited:  "If she says she is looking at an angel she would be exaggerating but that is exactly what she’s looking at, or at least that's what she thinks. She locks her eyes with his, mouth* not saying anything. Those fine twinkling eyes that she is looking at are so beautiful she almost thought he got a plastic surgery for it, that pointed nose of his that really fits his delicate face, that sharp jawline that makes him look so masculine, so manly,** and those adorable lips of his that she would be more than willing to kiss."  

* It’s rather repetitive to include “mouth” right before “not saying anything.”

** It’s redundant to use “masculine” and “manly” together because they have the same definition.

• From chapter one:

Original:

“V, what club you think you’re auditioning for in the evening?”Amy asks me as I close the locker in front of me.

“I don’t know, how about you?” I ask her back. She shrugs her shoulder.

“I havent decided on anything yet, how about you, Kim?” She is now asking Kimberly who is standing beside me,

“I think I might join the Math club.” Kim replies.

“Booooooring.” Amy says and three of us start walking.

“I don’t feel like joining any club, though. Can we just not?” I whine, but that’s the truth. Who wants to get involved in a club activity in the evening when we can go home and have the time of our lives?

“It’s compulsary, V. We all have to choose one club, one sport team and one uniform body. You know the rules.” Kim lectures me.

“I think I’m going for the dance club.” Amy says before three of us enter the class. I was kind of expecting this from her. So, Kim to the Math Club and Amy to the Dance Club. Now where shall I go? Hmmm

“V, what club you think you’re auditioning for in the evening?” Amy asks me as I close the locker in front of me.

“I don’t know, what about you?” I ask her back. She shrugs her shoulders.

“I haven’t decided on anything yet. What about you, Kim?” She is now asking  She asks Kimberly, who is standing beside me,

“I think I might join the Math club,” Kim replies.

“Booooooring,” Amy says and three of us start walking.

“I don’t feel like joining any club, though. Can we just not?” I whine, but that’s the truth. Who wants to get involved in a club activity in the evening when we can go home and have the time of our lives?

“It’s compulsory, V. We all have to choose one club, one sport team and one uniform body. You know the rules,” Kim lectures me.

“I think I’m going for the dance club.” Amy says before three of us enter the class. I was kind of expecting this from her. So, Kim to the Math Club and Amy to the Dance Club. Now where shall I go? Hmmm.

• Quite a few grammatical and sentence structure errors. I’d recommend maybe finding a nice beta reader?