Tears stained my cheeks as I sat in the recording studio, clutching a small blue stuffed elephant that was for my son. I was curled up on the couch crying my eyes out.

Today I had found out the worst.

I had been touring in Los Angeles and I had a doctors appointment there the next day. I went in to check the baby's heartbeat but.. the doctor said it was gone. I was scheduled for an abortion in a week and it mentally broke me down.

I gained enough energy to stand up and slowly walk over to the microphone. I sat down on a chair and let all my pain out.

"This love just wasn't enough for us to survive" my voice quivered as I sang

"I swear, I swear, I swear I tried
You took the life right out of me
I'm so unlucky I can't breath
You took the life right out of me
I'm longing for your heartbeat
Heartbeat, heartbeat"

I hugged the little blue toy and sat back. 

"I fought for you
The hardest, it made me the strongest
So tell me your secrets
I just can't stand to see you leaving"

I began trembling and my heart felt like it was going to explode. My first baby. I was so exited. I had bought all the things already. Clothes, toys. Even bottles. I shouldnt have given my hopes up.

"But heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you
Heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you
So go on, go home"

I sniffled and hugged the elephant tighter. "Honey" I didnt bother turning around, knowing it was my husband. "Why us, Jiho? Why did he have to be taken from us?!" I screamed and cried harder. "Baby please, it just wasnt meant to be." He put his hand on my shoulder but I shook it off. He stepped back surprised.

"NO! JIHO DONT ACT LIKE YOURE FINE!" His eyes widened. "Its because of me! The baby is gone because of me! I should have stopped working but I was to hard headed!" He stepped closer to me and grabbed both my shoulders. "STOP IT!" I cowered back. It was the first time he had raised his voice at me. I broke down again and cried harder.

I trembled to the ground and he hugged me. "Babe, I'm sorry. Please stop torturing yourself. Its not your fault" He picked me up and carried me to the couch.

"dont hurt youself over this. its an unfortunate event but maybe we werent ready. Maybe it just wasnt time." I hugged his body closer to me. "Maybe youre right.. but it hurts. I couldnt protect him." Jiho hugged me tighter and began drawing circles on my back.

I suddenly began to feel wet drops on my forehead. I looked up and saw tears streaming down jiho's face. I felt my heart shatter. He look down at me and smiled lightly.

"things happen babe. We cant stop it."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

theres gonna totally be a second part to this but its not my main priority yet~

thank you for reading!!

“Originally, [Beyonce’s] main inspiration for that song and that video was watching her mother lose one of her best friends. So Beyoncé’s treatment — which was incredibly detailed and fleshed out, shockingly so, at seven in the morning — was juxtaposing this gut-wrenching sad song with really happy visuals of two girls who are best friends doing all these amazing things, and then at the end of the video you find out that it was one of the girls’ bucket lists, and she’s actually dead.”

I decided to twist it a little and made it about a couple [you and zico] losing a child since the first thing the girl sings is heartbeat. Which is in fact about beyonce's first miscarirage but heaven is not about the loss of and infant. /just to clear up./