Only One.
Sempiternel
The thick veil of darkness was relieved only by the soft glow of stars, scattered like sequins across the plain black sky. Big drops of rain soaked the ground, submerging every single human emotion lingering in the air. Planet Mato. In this cold isolated world of numbers, values, peace and order... there is no such thing as love. Love: a forbidden and useless human emotion that is buried deep in the dark, decaying corners under your skin. But sometimes, it escapes. It burns in your chest, bleeds through your fingertips, and grows into an unfathomable cloud of secrets that glistens even in the darkness.
Hi, my name is Yongguk, Bang Yongguk.
And this is my secret.
Stirring the cup of coffee on his table, Yongguk lifted the cup to his mouth. He grimaced in disgust. The coffee was cold. He had been sitting in this café, wandering in a swirl of thoughts that he didn't even notice that the coffee had lost its warmth. Just how many hours had passed? He wasn't sure of it himself. He was about to leave when the small wooden stage at the front of the café lit up with a dim light.
A boy.
The boy was so attractive that Yongguk couldn’t help but just stare at him. His looks could practically intoxicate any rational human being, let alone himself. The boy met his stare with an empty gaze, and Yongguk froze in surprise. He seemed to be a regular singer at this café.
The boy adjusted his microphone and began to sing, gradually getting lost in the lyrics of his own music. As he delivered each note beautifully, Yongguk noticed his eyes – a warm, dark shade of brown. Behind those eyes, Yongguk saw something that the others failed to see. Or rather, they did not try to see. He saw emotions. Emotions that were hidden deep inside the windows of the boy’s soul – sinking, fading, and on the verge of disappearing to dust. But most importantly, those emotions were genuine. And that was what mattered the most.
The boy looked up, and bowed to the audience after finishing his song. As expected, the audience was oblivious, unaware of the boy’s presence at all. Yongguk watched as the boy left the stage, his eyes bitter and cold.
Yongguk waited for the boy outside the café. He didn’t know why he wanted to wait, he just felt like it. The door creaked open and the boy stepped out with tousled hair and dressed in a simple charcoal grey sweater. Regardless, the boy was still breathtakingly gorgeous and his seemingly plain appearance just made him even more real to Yongguk.
Yongguk hesitated for a moment before approaching him. He made sure to leave a few inches between them, just in case the boy needed his personal space. He was about to open his mouth when-
“You hesitated.”
Yongguk almost choked on his own saliva. “W-what?”
“You. You hesitated before coming over.” The boy’s voice was tiny, barely audible. “Am I that scary?”
Yongguk was a little taken aback, and stunned for words. The boy’s eyes twinkled with secrets as a gentle smile crept across his lips.
“My name is Daehyun. What's yours?”
Days became weeks, and weeks became months. The two of them had been practically inseparable. Daehyun would frequently drop by Yongguk’s house after his performances at the café. They would then spend their time having endless chats, watching movies and basically stuffing their faces with junk food almost every minute. They don’t say it out loud, but they were actually silently enjoying each other’s company.
Every once in a while, Yongguk would sneak a glance at Daehyun while they chatted. Yongguk imagined tenderly Daehyun’s soft brown hair, imagined smoothing his hair tangles away from his eyes, imagined walking hand in hand with him down the street, imagined wrapping his arms around the younger one’s small delicate frame, imagined the warmth of his skin against his own, imagined how it was to actually love him.
He could only imagine.
Because this was the world they lived in.
Knives, red, blood, silence,
and then eventually, death.
“You love, and you die. That’s how our world operates, kid.”
There was no mistaking the venom in the monster’s voice. The monster erupted in laughter, laced with a devilish hint of poison.
Daehyun’s eyes popped open. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as he wiped away the little beads of sweat on his forehead. It was the same dream again, the dream that haunted him for years, and maybe even forever. It happened 6 years ago to his parents, when the authorities discovered the illegal family at a deserted little village in Busan. In Planet Mato, all human beings are supposed to be chemically “matched” in the official labs after they had turned 21. In other words, the scientists will first destroy their ability to love in a surgical procedure, and then pair up two individuals of the opposite in a random selection. His parents had fallen in love naturally before they turned 21. And little Daehyun watched as the guards stabbed his parents to death, right in front of his eyes.
You love, and you die. You love, and you die.
It was from then on, that his entire world shattered into pieces, and his heart turned to stone.
Love kills. Heavy panting, ragged breaths, heaving lungs, and a dying heart. It sets fire to your soul, infects your mind with nightmares, drills you through your heart, swallows you into a pit of eternal darkness and then bam!, it completely crushes you underneath.
Love is the root of all problems, the root of undeniable pain and suffering. That was all that Daehyun had ever learned. It tore his family apart, took his parents away from him, until he was the only one left grabbing at the loose ends, trying to tie them back together.
Love had turned Daehyun into a ghost; hopelessly wandering, in search of a place where he feels at home, in search of a place where he doesn’t feel alone, in search for someone, anyone.
And then he found him.
But Daehyun feared. The fear of history repeating itself, the fear of losing him, being constantly afraid that he might just wake up one day and realise that he had been, in fact, all alone from the very beginning.
“Why?”
The sudden one-word question completely caught Yongguk off guard, but this time round, he didn’t hesitate to answer.
“You remind me of autumn.”
Daehyun’s head snapped up in shock. He felt momentarily all of a sudden. The fact that Yongguk managed to read him like an open book frightened him, and he didn’t expect anyone to understand him the way Yongguk did. Yongguk let a slow genuine smile spread across his face before continuing.
“You remind me of autumn because it is so strangely beautiful, when everything is actually dying. And it scares me a little because I’ve never seen anyone like you before. Something inside of you seemed to be dying, decaying, and slowly fading away to nothingness, just like the fallen leaves in the autumn. And I don't want that. I don't want you to die."
He paused, and drew a shaky breath. "You remind me of autumn because you arebeautiful. You have the most beautiful voice in the world, you are drop dead gorgeous and-"
Daehyun cut Yongguk off by wrapping him in a tight embrace.
“Thank you, hyung.”
Daehyun had been afraid, but from that moment onwards, he decided that he was ready to plunge into this forbidden and irreversible depth of madness, as long as he had Yongguk with him.
“Cheesecake!!!”
Daehyun barged into the kitchen and made a beeline for the oven. The thick butter smell wafted through the air as he opened the oven and admired the masterpiece.
Yongguk chuckled and lovingly pulled the younger boy closer to him. “Your beautiful face is going to get burned, Daehyunnie.”
“Yongguk hyung,” Daehyun snuggled contently against Yongguk’s chest, listening to the other’s heartbeat. “Can I... live inside your heart forever? There won’t be any monsters in military uniforms, no robots with fake smiles. Just... you and me.”
Yongguk already knew the answer. He knew the answer from the day he first saw Daehyun.
“It has been waiting for you all along.”
Loud trashing sounds were heard at their doorsteps, shaking the entire house. Another sudden crash, violent thumps, followed by muffled grunts. It grew louder and louder, closer and closer. Yongguk and Daehyun shot each other a panic look, their faces distorted with anxiety. The familiarity of the situation confused Daehyun to no end. And then it finally dawned upon them that it was none other than a ing raid. Yongguk cursed silently under his breath. He knew that there was no way to run, considering the fact that they were living at the 12th storey of a high-rise building and that the guards were practically tearing their door down. He then grabbed Daehyun’s hand abruptly and said in a low, reassuring tone.
“Daehyunnie, listen to me.”
It came out as a hoarse whisper, and Daehyun could sense the pressing tide of fear in his voice no matter how hard Yongguk tried to conceal it.
“Sing for me again, please?”
Daehyun’s eyes widened in utter bewilderment at his lover’s seemingly ridiculous request at this crucial point of time. Yongguk gave Daehyun a sad smile, tightening his grip on the younger's hand, as though he was clinging onto him for dear life. Daehyun's heart was hammering in his chest, his mouth felt dry and he could barely squeeze out a single syllable. But Daehyun was aware of the flickering pain behind Yongguk's words, and he was aware of Yongguk's pleading eyes, desperately pleading for Daehyun to trust him. To trust him. Daehyun did, and he always will.
And so he sang.
Sometimes your love
It's so pretty I just wanna sink in
And sometimes your heart
Well, it's so pretty I just wanna live there
Well I wish I could bottle it up
And breathe it back like Valium
And sometimes your heart it's so pretty
I just wanna live there
So when I find a scientist to help me
And if I meet the maker of all the universe
I'll ask him why we're here and what we're here for
And I'll tell them all the stories
About our little world
There was no need for words, just the two of them, locked away in their own bubble of happiness and bliss. Yongguk cautiously leaned forward and layered soft kisses on Daehyun’s lips. Gentle, delicate, and sealed with an eternal promise. Somewhere along in that kiss, a strange feeling of warmth bubbled up in their throats, vibrant and strong. Love.
This was their first kiss.
Bang!
And also their last.
Love is sempiternal. Love repairs the cracks in each other’s skin, and heals each other’s wounds. Love kills you, but it also saves you. Sometimes I believe that we do have a choice in this world; we do not have to love, but we choose to love. We twist and turn and fumble, in search for a saviour to mend our broken hearts. Love is infinite and fathomless; like constellations in the sky.
Maybe in another universe, we'll be lovers again.
Hi, my name is Daehyun, Jung Daehyun.
And this is my secret.
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