I wake up to the sound of Sung Jong’s voice trying his best to wake me up. I look at him and smiles at our youngest member as he looks to me and tells me to wake up. Maybe because he’s the oldest one in his family, he’s used to waking up early every day. I sat down and I see Sung Jong leaves the room, probably waking up the other members.

 

“Are you ok?” That was the question his mother asks him a few days ago. A mother is the person who knows us better than others do, right? Sung Jong’s smiles had been fading a lot these days. That person who always smiles sweetly to others is now only smiling. A mother is also someone who gives you strength to go through the hardship in life, don’t they? I guess I still have feelings because I can see how sad Sung Jong’s mom looked like when Sung Jong only answer her question with the ‘only smiling’ smile. While growing up, how come no one ever teach us of the differences between smiles? I always thought that everyone smile the same way but I guess not…

 

“Howon-ah, do you want some coffee?” The tall Lee Sungyeol asked from the kitchen. This guy who doesn’t like complicating his mind is as free as Jang Dong Woo is. I wonder if he ever shares the same frustrated feelings like I do. When Lee Sungyeol bought the coffee machine, no one in the house drinks coffee as much as he does but as time goes by, from making coffee for himself, he keep on making coffee for the others as well. The members start understanding and start loving the bitter taste of coffee, the bitter taste of life. For the tired members, this tall member keep on doing something to help them, same like how the other members do things to help each other, but as a member of the group, what kind of contribution have I made to help the tired members?

 

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Myung Soo came out of the room and look at me with his puzzled look. I then realize that I had been standing in front of his room, blocking him. I moved to my right to give him space to walk and he just pat me on my back as he ruffles his hair and walk through.

 

“Hyung, why are you standing here? You said you want to make today’s breakfast, right? I’m going to ask Sunggyu hyung’s help in waking Dong Woo hyung. Go make breakfast and be fast ok?” Sung Jong said to me. If he doesn’t remind me about it, we probably won’t be able to eat any breakfast today.

 

I walk to the kitchen without uttering any words and a few minutes later, Woo Hyun entered with a swollen face. He probably had some drink last night with Sunggyu. He look at me with one of his eyes still closed and look at the ingredient I’ve put out on the counter and look at me again. Being the best cook in the group, he’s surely criticizing me in his heart right now. I ignore his judgmental look on me and proceed on cooking whatever food that is appearing in my mind in my own way, which is in no one’s way.

 

Sungjong walked into the kitchen after successfully woke Dong Woo up as I can hear Dong loud yawn

. Sungjong stand next to me and start shaking his head looking at what he sees in the frying pan. Why do they make this cooking time table if they’re going to judge me for my food appearance? They can always ask the good cook to cook.

 

“Howon, if you ever cook like this, no one will marry you,” Woohyun pat me on my back and walk towards the living room. It’s not like I’ll be the one cooking once I’m married. I’ll have a wife and my wife cook will always be better than me. She doesn’t have to be good, just better than me.

 

 When I brought the food to the living room, the members just look at it for a few seconds before finally registering the fact that it is edible. Members like Sungyeol, Woohyun and Sunggyu make sure that one of us actually taste it first before finally eating it, maybe not sure if it’s edible or not. Sungjong being the nice magnae, and Dong Woo being the cheerful hyung just ate the food I cooked without any doubt. They nod their head signaling that it’s safe for us to eat. I don’t blame the other members though; even I was waiting for that signal from them.

 

“Why is it so quiet?” Dong Woo asks. I look at him and wonder, what does he mean? It’s not like we usually talk when we eat. We usually eat silently.

 

“Meal time is usually the time we share things that happen to ourself?” Dong Woo said again. When was the last time we shared what happen to us while we eat. We usually have the same schedule, putting aside the schedule we have as a unit or solo activity, so there’s basically nothing to share anymore. We used to eat together every single day but even eating together today at OUR dorm seems like a miracle for us.

 

“When we were trainee, we were always so happy when people recognize us and talk to us because they know we’re a trainee from the company.” Sung Jong said, starting the conversation. I look at them and try to think back of the thing we did before. So much time has passed that I can’t remember the last time I eat with them while laughing about what we share.

 

“Yesterday someone ask for my autograph, and say that she really likes Infinite. After giving her the autograph, she said, ‘thank you Woohyun-ssi’” Sungyeol shares his story and everyone laugh at it and Woohyun just smile, happy about the fact that he is more well-known than Sungyeol.

 

“You’re not supposed to be happy, the fact that that girl mistakes Sungyeol as you just means that she doesn’t know how you look like. You’re probably just a name she picked up because you’re friends with Key,” Sunggyu said to Woohyun and everyone laughed at his statement except for Woohyun who just realizes that fact as well. 

 

“About that, does Toheart have any plan on making a comeback soon?” Dongwoo suddenly ask Woohyun  about Toheart, the special unit group formed between Infinite’s Woohyun and SHINee’s Key. Woohyun look at the coffee prepared by Sungyeol and cringe as he take a sip of the black coffee and shrug his shoulder answering that question.

 

“I like working with Key but it’s the fans I’m worried about. Our fans work differently, so is the way we interact with them. The last time we promoted, I heard from the managers that there were a lot of misunderstanding between Inspirit and Shawol. Convincing the fans that I haven’t forget Infinite is not easy as well.” Woohyun said to all of us and we all just nod our head listening to his answer. What Woohyun wanted was to promote happily together with his best friend, he never knew that it would bring trouble to his fans and that leave him with a bit of regret in his heart. Even though Woohyun acts all greasy when he’s with the fans, and people would say that it’s fake and all, we all know how much truth he put in his actions. Whenever he throws those heart to the fans greasily, it’s like he wants to tell them that he really do love every single one of them, and is very thankful for all of their existence. Sometimes I wonder, do I have that much appreciation towards them as much as Woohyun does?

 

I keep on listening to every single topic they talked about, from their solo activity that includes their acting and we also talk about our unit activities. After Infinite H, we also have Infinite F that stands for face with Sungyeol, Myungsoo and Sungjong. It’s been a while since we last spend our time at the dining table this long because we usually just eat and do our own things after eating. Then, the noisy dining room suddenly turn silent, the awkward silent that we’re used to but it feels sad to hear it now after all the laughter we heard a few seconds ago.

 

“Howon-ah, do you remember about the high-five event we had last week with the fans? Do you remember that one young girl who high-fived us and ask you, or us, why are we crying?” Woohyun suddenly asked me. I look at him and nod my head. At least Woohyun agreed that even though that question was directed to me, it felt like it was a question for all of us. I still remember that question even though it had been a week since that incident. I think about her question every day and stare at the mirror more and more after that incident. I look at the mirror, smile to myself and ask myself what did that girl sees when she saw me to ask me that question?

 

“Were you actually crying?” Sungjong asked me.

 

“I didn’t, same with you guys,” I said to Sungjong. Sungjong nod his head slowly.

 

“But it’s weird how all of us were taken aback by that one simple question. Like we’re obliged to answer it but we don’t have any answer to that question. Wasn’t that the reason you hold her hand tighter, to answer her?” Dongwoo said. These are the moment when I doubt him, whether he’s innocent or a genius.

 

“I answered her, but I hold her hand tighter because I feel like I need to tell her something else, I just don’t know what it is,” I said to them. Once again, they nod their head.

 

“All of us were obviously smiling, of course we’d be taken aback by a question about us crying when the only thing we’ve done from the start is smiling. It’s like asking Dongwoo why is he sad when all he did was jumping around and laughing,” Sunggyu said trying to push in some logic to our troubled hearts.

 

“Or probably it’s because we felt like she just read our hearts. We smiled but it’s not like we’re smiling inside. Do not lie that all of you did not feel a little bit of pain when she ask you that question, because finally someone else sees the pain you guys are going through at the moment,” Sungyeol said and sip his coffee.

 

“Maybe we should start seeing some psychologists to take all of them out of our hearts!” Myungsoo said as a joke and went to the kitchen with all of our plates and offer himself to wash all of them for us. We heard the change in his voice but we choose to leave him alone, probably the wisest choice to do when he himself ran away to hide himself from crying in front of us. One by one we move back to our room or do our own things in the living room. No one bothers to comfort each other at this moment, we all think that the best remedy is to heal ourselves. That’s what we thought.