[Howon’s P.O.V]

 

I smile happily to the camera, faking my feelings. I smile towards the MC while answering the question, faking my smiles. I smile towards the audience, faking my emotions. I’m good at faking things, I’m better at faking things than anyone else. The thing that I’m confident of is my fake self. If they take a second to look into my eyes, they can see my real-self struggling to come out from this prison.

 

I look to my right and I see the tall Lee Sungyeol smiling to me with his eyes speaking to me, telling me to act well. I’m not the only one faking my smiles; all of them are doing the same thing as well. We’re robots, robots that have been programmed to keep on smiling to everyone we meet. We’re products, products people would want to pay to buy, and will keep on paying more to get the chance for a small interaction with us. They will stop paying once they’re tired of us, but other people will replace them and start paying instead of them. They will stop paying once we make a mistake, and it doesn’t matter if the mistake is big or small. I appreciate the one who keeps on paying no matter how broken we are. I appreciate the one who keeps on paying, though we’re getting boring.

 

I was a human. I remember having feelings, desire and dreams. I remember feeling happy about what I do, but now I’m just doing everything without any feelings, like a robot. I remember feeling sad about what I do, but now I don’t even remember what ‘sad’ means. I remember having desire to stand on stage to sing, but now I stand on stage without a reason. I remember having a dream, but I can no longer remember what that dream is. Is this normal? Is every human like me? Does everyone turn to a robot at a certain time in their life?

 

I blink my eyes several times when I hear the emcee says that the hi-5 session is starting. I didn’t know what I say throughout the interview, I can’t remember anything at all. One by one the fans that are called as Inspirits walk onto the stage and high fived us. I smile as much as I can as I say ‘thank you’ to them. They scream and shout to us, I wonder what do they feel while doing those things?

 

I keep on smiling, I think that’s what I’m programmed to do so. I keep on smiling, the smile never fade from my face. Slowly, my hand start feeling tired. I change my right hand to my left hand. The other members are giving their best in giving a high five to all of the fans, they even scream together with the fans while the only thing I can do is to smile at them. I wish I can give more to the people who love us without even knowing who we are.

 

“Oppa, why are you crying?” My eyes widened at the question and unknowingly, I grab out the hand of the person in front of me and look into her eyes. I touch my face, there are no tears on my face but why did she ask me that question? I can hear Hyoan hyung asking me to let go of the fan’s hand as I’m stopping the line from moving.

 

“I’m not crying. Thank you for coming!” I said and smile back to the girl.

 

“You are crying. Oppa, cheer up!” The fan said and walk down the stage. My heart feels uneasy by her question and thankfully she’s at the second last line and after high-fiving with a few more fans, the high five session ended.

 

“Did you really cry just now?” I guess I’m not the only person who hears her question. All of us hear it as well, that’s why they stopped what they were doing as well. All of our focus was on the girl that asks me that question just now.

 

“I wasn’t crying, I was smiling…but…” I said to the second oldest member in the group, Jang Dong Woo.

 

“Maybe your smile seems fake and she sees right through you. Cheer up Howon, it’s tiring for everyone, but keep on smiling! Smiling makes everything better!” The always positive Jang Dong Woo says to me. Are those words so easy to spit out? How can this hyung always be so positive despite everything?

 

As the leader Kim Sunggyu says his last words to the fans, we all walk off the stage towards the dressing room. I know they will ask me. We’re programmed to make sure everything is perfect whenever we’re on stage and that tiny mistake I made turn everyone surprised even if they too did the same thing just now. I was not the only one who was surprised by that fan’s question, all of them are equally surprised as well. That question is like an arrow shoot right through their hearts, if we still have one.

 

“What happened just now?” Nam Woo Hyun asks.

 

“She asked me a question, and I was surprised by it, that’s what happened,” I said coldly to him.

 

“So you stop her from leaving the stage?” Woohyun stop me from walking. My head which was down the whole time trying to think about ‘why’ look up to meet Woohyun eyes.

 

“Yes!” I said to Woohyun and walk past him.

 

“Woohyun-ah, we’re all tired, don’t let it out on Howon. We’re all tired, ok?” I can hear Sunggyu’s word as he try his best to calm the angry Woohyun. Woohyun is not angry, he’s tired, just like me, I wasn’t surprised because she asks me that question, I was surprised because of how she sees things hidden in my heart, if I still have one.

 

One by one, the members enter the dressing room and stay quiet. It’s not just me, all of them are bothered by the question too. It’s not just me, they’re crying as well. It’s not just me, the question was directed to them as well. ‘why are you crying’, a question without an answer.