There it was again, the spring rain.

Though not as stormy as it had been on that one day, the weather was perfectly mirroring Youngbae's innermost feelings: Strong they were, gray and cold. Certainly, it did feel like it was raining inside of him and his vision was blurred just like it was now, as he was driving on the Parisian streets. Youngbae's muscles clenched everytime he had to hit the breaks because of the red light. He did not want to stop. He wanted to arrive there immediately, wanted justice, wanted to know why. Why was this happening to him? What did he do to deserve this immense pain he was suffering from? Had he committed such a big sin? Was loving a sin? God. Youngbae believed in God. Not only that, he loved God. And until now, he had thought that God would love him, too because he had given him more than he could have ever imagined. 'Ungrateful' his sister had called him. 'Shameful'. These words were still stinging him like alcohol on a fresh wound. Youngbae remembered praying to God every night, no matter how tired he was, no matter how much he just wanted to lay down and doze off. He remembered how he would always force himself to stay awake for a few minutes just to talk to God, just to thank him for his wonderful family, for his education, his healthy state and every grain of rice he got to eat. He had always been thankful, hadn't he? So when, oh God, when did he began committing a sin that would affect his life so much? Was it when he started being thankful for having Jiyong? Was it when he started praying for one person more, for putting another person's happiness above his own? What about God loving those who weren't selfish? What about the virtue of praying for others before praying for yourself? 'Selfish', they had called him. Youngbae had never put himself first and he still wasn't. 

He was thinking about Jiyong, whom he had dropped at Dr. Garnier's doctor's office before making his way to that one person he had to face even if he didn't want to. The brunette never liked it when he left him there all alone and judging by the face he had made, he had wanted Youngbae to stay so badly, his beautiful eyes pleading him to do so. The educator would always become weak whenever the younger men would give him that look. But this time, he had to go. He had to leave the comfort, his only comfort, of having Jiyong around him, enter the cruel world of reality and seek for clarification.

Youngbae had to talk to Madleine. 

Finally - though he didn't know if it was the right word, he arrived at her apartment which had barely changed compared to back then. Youngbae remembered all the movie nights, parties and embarassing truth or dare games and took a deep breath. Standing there in the rain, looking up to Madleine's window, he suddenly felt so small, so intimidated by this huge building, he was shaking a bit when he made his way through the open front door. While back then, he had jogged up those stairs so free from worry, now his steps were slow and heavy. The wooden door that was full of small scratches was now in front of him and all he had to do was to knock. He hesitated first but then realized that he had to do it, that there way no way out of this.

Youngbae knocked and heard mumbling from the other side of the door. He arched his brow and hoped that she was alone, but his wishes weren't granted because the door was opened by some big and muscular guy who eyed him from head to toe. 

"Who the are you?" 

At least he was polite, Youngbae thought. 

"Is Madleine at home? Need to talk to her." 

"I asked who the you were." 

The educator rolled his eyes. "My name is Youngbae."

"Whatever, I don't know you. Maddy doesn't with midgets like you." With that being said, the big guy attempted at closing the door but Youngbae managed to block him with his foot.

"Listen, it's really important. I have no time for this . So would you please -" 

A second before he could finish his sentence, Youngbae noticed veins popping on the guy's thick neck and before he could even realize it, he had grabbed his collar, the disgusting smell of smoke evident in his breath. 

"Do I look like I have time for you, midget?", he hissed. 

"Let go of me!"

"Youngbae?" 

Both men turned their heads at the sound of the female voice  that had interrupted their little 'conversation'. Madleine was standing in the door, dressed in nothing but a night gown, her hair unkempt and not as healthy-looking and shiny as it usually was. Youngbae gave her a hard glance, one which he never thought he would have to give to her. She stared at him with knowing eyes before she turned her attention to the big guy who was still gripping the educator's collar. 

"Maddy, this funny little dward here says he wants to talk to you. Should I just throw him outta here?"

Madleine shook her head, making a move with her hand. "No. No,  just ... let him go."

"What?"

"Let go."

"But -"

"Let him ing go, I said!", she shrieked, making the big guy flinch. 

When Youngbae was finally free from his rough grip, he gave him a glare before straghtening his collar. 

"Leave us alone, Jacque. I'll call you later." 

When the big man finally left, Youngbae and Madleine just looked at each other, neither of them daring to say a word before Youngbae took the initiative. "We need to talk." 

Madleine said nothing and instead let her actions speak for her as she entered her flat without closing the door behind her, signalizing him to follow her, which Youngbae did. As soon as they were in, he slammed the door shut and tried his best to keep his cool. However, the words he uttered the next moment still sounded kind of harsh. 

"Why the hell did you do that?"

The French woman stood with her back to the educator, remaining in this position, even after she finally responded to his question, nonchalantly, as if she was unaware of everything. 

"Did what?" 

"Don't play innocent!"

Furious. Youngbae was furious when she acted like that, not even being brave enough to look into his eyes after ing his life up. He approached her with confident steps before grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face his angry face, for once not caring that he must hurt her because he was hurt himself and this way, they were equal. 

"Why are you messing with my personal life? How could you tell my family about me and Jiyong? Do you even know what you have done?"

"Oh so you can be open with your feelings for him in front of me but are too chicken to tell the truth to your family?"

"What I tell or not tell my family is non of your business! You have no right to interfere in this! Who do you think you are?"

"Right, I am just to you! I am sorry, I totally forgot that I have absolutely no impact on your life at all! I didn't know that you already forgot all the time we spent here together in this damn apartment!" 

"If you had ever been my friend, you wouldn't have done this to me in the first place! How can I still value you after you caused my family to disown me? Tell me, how?"

"That's it, I cannot be your friend, Youngbae. I ing can't because I love you! And I thought I coud stand it, I thought I would be okay but I am not, okay?" Madleine fought with her tears to the bitter end, but she didn't win. They were flowing freely now and she felt how the grip on her shoulders loosened. "Look at me. Look around you. I have been a complete mess since that day."

Youngbae took in the image of his surroundings and noticed that it was just as messy as Madleine currently was. Empty alcohol bottles were either lying on the floor or standing on every table that he saw. The curtains were covering the windows, making the room rather dark and gloomy, the thick smell of many cigarettes in the air. He really thought he would suffocate soon. 

The educator sighed and let himself fall back against the nearest wall, listening to the sound of Madleine's sobs. He still felt sorry for rejecting her, for not having noticed her feelings sooner but damn, did this justify her acts? It didn't. And these thoughts created a mixed and awkward feeling inside him that almost made him want to throw up, the thick and hot air only adding to his discomfort. Youngbae had never felt like this before. He was torn between anger and pity and it made him crazy.

"Madleine, listen. I just ... I just want to know why and how. I came here because I wanted clarification but you haven't told me anything I didn't know before. I get that you are still mad at me, I get that I was blind and stupid and I am sorry for having hurt you. But did you really have to go that far to tell my family? The end of our friendship already hurt me enough and now you go and take away one of the few things that were left in my life. Damn Madleine, did I really hurt you that much?"

"I just wanted you to know ... wanted you to know how it feels when you lose someone precious to you. The thought of you having Jiyong in your arms killed me, Youngbae. The looks you gave him, your facial expression when you are talking to him, I cannot erase those pictures out of my head. It hurts so much because I did everything to own his place in your heart. Everything. And I thought I would get it, thought you would finally notice me if I just dressed a bit more nicely, if I just gave you more obvious signs but ... but as soon as this boy starts talking, you turn your whole attention to him. And , he is so freaking beautiful that it makes me sick with jealousy and envy. How can a guy, a mentally underdeveloped, child like guy attract you? What does he have that I don't? It was me who stayed up with you all night, it was me who listened to all your problems, it was me who studied with you and it was me who thought about you when nobody else did. And after all I did this ... this Jiyong appears and -", she let out a pathetic laugh, "And he takes you away without even doing anything. How can I not be furious about this?" She sank down on her knees and crawled towards Youngbae, who was already sitting on the cold floor by now, face burried in his palms.

"I am so freaking jealous, Youngbae. I started drinking, started smoking but ... but I just couldn't ing erase the image of you and Jiyong out of my mind. And Hyerin ... she just happened to call me at a moment in which I was completely drowning in my possesiveness over you. She said she still had my number saved in her phone and because she couldn't reach you, she called me, his 'good old friend'.", Madleine smiled bitterly and sat down on the floor next to Youngbae. "She was really worried about you, you know. You didn't call them that often. You didn't value them enough. And so she asked me about your whereabouts and if something happened to you and such. And then this haunting image appeared in my head again. And my jealousy took me in again and mixed with the alcohol in my system, I felt like ... I just hated you in that moment, Youngbae. And then I told them everything. I told them that you had decided to put your protégé before anyone else, that you had decided to give your beloved ones up for Mr. pretty boy, Mr. pure and innocent, Mr. - "

"Shut up!" , Youngbae yelled. "Don't talk like that about him." He hugged his knees and took a deep breath, his voice muffled because he was hiding his face from the woman next to him. "I have heard enough." 

"They would have found out sooner or later, Bae. Even if they are far away, you would have to confront them one day , wouldn't you? At least I took the burden of telling the truth from you, didn't I?" , she said almost comfortingly, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"I didn't want them to find out that way. I wanted to tell them when I was ready. I wanted to go home and ... and see my mother again." , the educator sobbed and by now it was clear why he had been hiding his face all this time. "I can't see her ever again. I can't go back anymore." The sudden realization hit him and Youngbae just cried his heart out because he had to. He couldn't keep his emotions bottled up inside of him anymore. It hurt because he felt like the loneliest person on earth. 

Madleine looked at the man she loved and saw him breaking down in front of him. She realized that she had lost him completely and started feeling like the loneliest person on earth. Now, they were equal. Now, they understood each other more than they had ever done before. 

Jiyong tossed and turned in his bed that night but for some reason, the light downstairs in the living room made falling asleep difficult for him. He sat up and thought for a while. Youngbae's eyes had been puffy when he had picked him up from Dr. Garnier's office and he had been unusually quiet the whole time. Since that day he had read this mysterious e-mail, his educator had changed and his state worried Jiyong. Every attempt he made at cheering him up had been useless and whenever he asked him if he was alright, Youngbae would only smile and pat his cheek, acting as if nothing was wrong but Jiyong knew there was something. 

The brunette got up and decided to look for his educator. He tip-toed out of his room and went downstairs, heading to the living room and watching Youngbae's back. He was there, sitting on the couch and drinking from the cans that his dad drank from sometimes, when he came home from work, being exhausted.  Jiyong had never been allowed to drink that stuff and when he asked his mother why, she had told him that it would make people tipsy and that she didn't want him to become clumsy. Jiyong had pouted then. Wasn't being tipsy very funny? Youngbae didn't look funny at all though.

The brunette slowly approached his educator, watching how he rubbed his temples and sighed deeply. He slowly made his way in front of the couch, so that it was impossible for Youngbae not to notice him. Jiyong played with the hem of his XXL t-shirt when he stood in front of him.

"Bae?"

Youngbae, like awoken from a trance, flinched and straightened himself as soon as he heard that angelic voice that he knew so well. He took in the beautiful image of his pure face and shiny brown hair, the t-shirt that was hanging loosely on his slender frame and the look of concern that was written in his light brown eyes. 

"Bae, why aren't you sleeping yet? Are you sick?" 

Youngbae smiled. "No, no I am not sick. I just ... can't sleep."

Jiyong pouted. "And I cannot sleep because you aren't sleeping." 

"Really? Ah, the bright light must disturb you I ... I am sorry, I will turn it off, I promise."

"That's not it.", Jiyong said, shaking his head. "I cannot sleep because you aren't next to me.", he added a bit shyly. "And I don't want you to sleep here without a blanket. Omma says that you can catch a cold if you sleep without a blanket!"

Youngbae stared at the younger man in front of him, his heart blooming at the sound of his worried voice, his words of care and affection that he felt like he didn't deserve. Sin. Yes, that was his sin. He was a sinner for being attracted to someone so beautiful like Jiyong, someone who was way too good for him, way too pure. Of course he had to sacrifice a lot in order to be with an angel like him. What had he expected? 

The brunette didn't like the sad face that his educator was making and frowned. Then he reached forward in order to grab one of his hands, pulling it. "Come with me. Maybe we can sleep if we sleep together.", he said smiling. 

Youngbae fought with his tears. Damn, alcohol had always made him emotional. He let out a ragged breath. 

"Bae?", Jiyong called, kneeling down in front of his educator. "Hey, Bae, you are not crying, are you?", he asked, gasping. 

Youngbae noticed the crook of the brunette's neck, the smooth curve that radiated the wonderful smell of his skin. He couldn't help it. He pulled Jiyong towards himself, burrying his face into that wonderful spot, letting his salty tears fall on the creamy skin. He mouthed Jiyong's neck softly, inhaling his scent and sighing at how wonderful this position was. 

"Jiyong, can you ... can you just stay like this for a while.", he mumbled against his shoulder.

The brunette closed his eyes and nodded, putting his arms around his educator's neck, pulling him even closer to himself, allowing him to find comfort in him for once since it usually was the other way around (he thought). Jiyong Youngbae's back and heard him sigh again in response. His warm breath tickled his skin and he blushed at how good being so close to his educator felt, He heard his heart throbbing at the proximity.

"Don't cry anymore, Bae. I am here, so don't cry. I don't like it when you cry."  

That was something Youngbae would say to him. However, today, things were different.