The rain and the clouds made this day seem much more gloomier than it's supposed to be. My heart felt heavy and sore. It has been a week since I had talked with Yejun. I missed him so much but he still refuses to hear my explanation. I even checked online to see what he has been doing. No tweets, no updates on the fan cafe and he didn't even give it his all during recorded dance practices or sessions in the studio. What happened that day really bummed him out and now as the days keep passing by, Yejun just keeps sinking deeper into depression. I have been super scared to go outside now because I might run into SaeRyun again and Yejun might show up at that moment. Throughout these 7 days, I realized how sensitive and fragile a guy can be when it comes to love. Yejun is the youngest out of the group so he has to keep his talent the same with all the others too but I think it's getting harder for him. I wish I could say sorry. I wish I could apologize. I wish I could explain. All I want to do is hold him in my arms. It is my fault. I know it is. I should have known what SaeRyun was going to do. My instinct told me not to but I did. It is really my fault and I can't deny it. Even when I got out to buy stuff, I am crowded by cameras and sasaeng fans. They want to know what is going on between us and all those things. Before they would just leave us alone and once in awhile they would ask but now its ridiculous. Pushing all these thoughts, emotions and problems aside I continue my life. Off I went to school. Normal greetings, normal walks down the halls, normal classes, normal breaks, normal jokes, normal day. It was finally lunch. The minute I stepped out of the classroom I was exhausted. I felt like just passing out. I was overthinking everything and trying too hard to focus but how can I stay focused if this happens? I grabbed my lunch as usual and sat down with my friends in our usual spot, down by the office and science lab. 

"Melanie? Are you okay? You look kinda pale? Did something happen?" Sarah recognized my condition so her voice was filled with worry.

"Me? Oh me. No no its fine. Just a little tired that's all."

"Are you sure? I heard things between you and Yejun aren't going that well."

"Haha about that, we kinda had a fight a week ago. My study buddy SaeRyun from class 2 kinda pushed me into an alley way and told me he had something to show me. So I closed my eyes and instructed and just that moment, Yejun showed up. He misunderstood and his manager doesn't want us to date so I think he is all depressed and mad about it."

"Have you tried explaining to him? You should know that communication is what keeps a relationship going."

"You think I haven't? All he says is that now isn't the time or he doesn't want to talk to me."

It was just silence from then on as we ate our food. We didn't crack out any jokes or ask eachother about our classes. I didn't ask about Sarah's cheerleading practice or Mary's school council meeting and they didn't ask me out track practice. The air was just really tense. My mind was crammed with worry, guilt and anxiety. What was I going to do about Yejun? I miss him so much. Is he doing alright? Are the others cheering him up? Is he still fighting with his manager? It was then that I remembered about the gift he gave me. I could go find him. I don't care if we fight again. I want to regain his trust and I want to explain. Lunch was over and I went home. My last class was just a freebie block so I could leave if I wanted. I dropped everything on my bed and changed into leggings and a sweater. Redid my hair in light speed and grabbed the key, card and flash light code thing as I slipped on my shoes and shot out the door. I should probably check the dance practice room first. Kan, Raehyun, Daegeon and Jinon might be able to help me. I sure hope they don't hate me. Bus, taxi then bus again. Their dance practice room was on the other side of the district. Down 3 alleyways and down the cement steps. I scanned the flashlight code thing and the door looked blinked green. I cautiously opened the door and entered. Their new song, No.1 that just came out a couple months ago was playing as the counts 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 were said aloud. The song had ended and everyone looked at me with surprised looks. Everyone except Raehyun. 

"Melanie ssi, please I beg of you help Yejun. He has been getting mad at everything we do! He doesn't even show up at interviews or anything on the schedule. Please save him. We just want our maknae back. We aren't F.Cuz without him." Raehyun was bowing to me as his voice was filled with the desperate need of Yejun. 

"I am sorry for how he is behaving and everything. It is my fault he is like this now. I am sure he is bothering all of you and making your schedules difficult."

"It is okay. We can handle it but we need him back. It is going to cause a huge scandal and the fans are going to cause an uproar of war. We have been trying to update everyone on SNS with this but everyone is worried." Kan was reassuring me and even though it wasn't working, it did calm me down a little bit."

"Thanks for staying together. Do any of you know where Yejun is right now? I have to explain to him what happened."

"Yeah. He is in the dorms. Fighting with the manager probably so right now isn't the best time but you could surely give it a shot. The quicker the better right?" Jinon was really stern with his words. You could tell that he was worried about everyone else along with Yejun. He didn't want F.Cuz to fall apart.

"Okay thank you so much guys! See you later! Please keep practicing hard!"

I bowed and waved the guys goodbye as I sprinted to the dorms. I was super careful not to reveal the dorm location so I took the long route which was taking lefts and rights everywhere. A large amount of people noticed me but didn't follow. Their only reaction was "Hey isn't the girl with dark brown hair over there Shim Yejun's girlfriend?" I finally grabbed a taxi near a small convenient store and got a ride. Quickly walking down the sidewalk and up the stairs to the entrance I pulled out the card. I was let in and brought to the dorm room. The lady who was doing a cleaning of the dorms on the first floor told me to be careful. The manager is really scary when she gets mad. Fully understanding, I scanned the card again and entered the dorm. The first room was a small living room with a couch, a coffee table, a TV and a laptop in the corner. Over to the left was a kitchen with the sun deck nearby and to the right were the bedrooms. The walls were painted a greyish blue and the carpet was a cream color. I heard loud voices coming from one of the bedrooms. I shut the door carefully and walked towards the bedrooms only to hear clear words.

"Shim Yejun! Get your act together! You can't keep dating that girl! We even told you that to become a K-pop star, you can't date! I let it slip for the first couple of years since you seemed so happy but I can't take it anymore!"

"Why can't I date her?! It is my choice! I shouldn't have my life be controlled by you! This my future and my dream! I chose to become a singer so I did. I chose to date so now I am! Why can't I keep dating like I can with singing?!"

"It gets in the way of your career! Stop acting this way Yejun! Can't you see?! This isn't fit for you!" 

"How is it not?!"

"You got in a fight with her! Look at you! Have you even reflected on the past few days?!"

"I can do what I want with my life! This is my life! I am old enough to chose my paths so can't I?! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO BE LIKE THIS?! My girlfriend left me and no matter how much I want her back, you won't let me!"

I could tell that Yejun was on the verge of breaking down. The manager didn't say anything. She just sighed deeply with disappointment as she looked down at her watch. Yejun turned around and put his head against the wall. 

"Mrs. In Jung, this is my fault so my apology. I will take care of him so please, try to relax and take care of the others for the time being. I will call you when he is ready to continue."

I bowed and she left with an angry expression. I shut the door and locked it. I turned around and faced Yejun. His face was cupped in his hands as he crammed himself into the corner. I didn't know how to start. Being in here all alone with him brought all the emotions of guilt to life. I know all I had to say was sorry but it was difficult. It really was. Should I apologize? Should I tell him what really happened? Should I just wait? 

"Yejun... I... I'm sorry..."

"If you really are sorry then tell me what you were doing with that guy. Are you in a relationship with him?"

"I am not. He said he had a surprise for me so I had to close my eyes. That is all. I promise. Please don't hate me. It is my fault. I know he likes me. I was not alert. I still thought of him as a friend and not someone to be cautious of. Yejun, I really am sorry."

Yejun didn't say anything after that. He stood in the corner for a long while and didn't move. 5 minutes later, he turned around and hugged me tightly. His head was against my shoulder and his hair covered his eyes. I softly his head as his arms wrapped themselves tighter and tighter around my waist. It was not long before he started crying. His body was nearly stone cold. I could feel his legs giving up as his weight was slowly being put on me more and more. Even so, I kept his head and telling him it's okay as he continued to cry in my arms. The feeling of guilt was still intense because it was my fault. It is my fault that Yejun felt so much pain. As strong as guys are, its heartbreaking to see how much he has kept and stored inside of him. The more he cried, the more my heart shattered. 

"Melanie... I believed that you would come back so don't leave me like this. Don't go. Don't do this to me please." Yejun's voice screamed sincerity and was filled with hurt as he spoke through his tears.

"I won't. Everything is going to be okay."

"Then if you really love me, can you stay with me forever? I don't know what I would do without you. All I want is for you to stay with me."

I let go of Yejun and he lifted his head up. He was still crying. There was so much pain being leaked out as he continued to cry. I wiped away his tears and held his face in my hands. He immediately stopped and looked at me with his dark, teary and miserable eyes. I leaned in, closed my eyes and kissed his lips gently. I felt his hands loosen their grip and then tighten again. Yejun returned the kiss with more force. This time was different. His lips weren't as sweet and warm as I remembered. I can't even count or name the amount of times we have kissed within the years but every time we did, I looked forward because his lips were always the same. He was so good at it too. It brought masses of butterflies to my stomach when he does so. After he returned his kiss, time took its course and we made out like the first time. This time thought there were no limits. Nobody could enter the room. Nobody had the key. Nobody could see us or hear us. Making out again with Yejun was like a dream all over again. It was too much fun. The more we kissed, the softer and sweeter he became. Loud pleasure filled moans came from Yejun as we went on and on with no end in sight. His breathe was hot and smelled like a walk deep in the woods. Then, it hit me when we started french kissing. There seriously was no end in sight. I was not scared though. I didn't want it to stop and I don't think Yejun wanted it to stop either. I didn't think or even guess how much time had passed. All I was focused on was making Yejun happy. Kissing him like this and being kissed like this was just as good and if not better as the first time. His tongue was just as sweet as his lips. More moans came from Yejun. He was like a puppet. I felt like I could do anything to him. I felt like I had wings. His grip on my waist tightened suddenly. Yejun lifted me off the ground and plopped me onto the bed. Before he could climb on top of me to continue, I rolled and flipped him over so I was on top. Giving a quick, confident grin, I leaned down and kissed him again. His fingers combed themselves through my hair as he pulled my head down. Yejun didn't want me to pull away. I gladly accepted that and let him continue. I have never understood where he learned to kiss like he does but either way, it's something every girl would die to experience if they found out. He doesn't eat the life out of your face, he isn't messy with it. Yejun has enough force and enough softness to make it worth every second. His lips are like cotton candy brought from the gods or something. Sweet, soft and not something you can avoid. He gently bit my lip from time to time and then softly caressed them between his. I was melting from the inside out I swear. He pulled away and lifted me up so we were sitting. His fast heavy breathing told me he was starting to get a little tired. I leaned in slowly and kissed him once gently for the longest time. I pulled away and Yejun and I just looked in eachothers eyes.

"Does that answer your question, Yejun oppa?"

"Yes. Thank you. I love you so much Melanie." He brought me close to his chest and hugged me until the sun started setting half an hour later. Once the sun finally set he kindly looked at me again and said "I love you."

I love you. Those three words can do so much for one person and can mean so much to a person. I will never forget those days. The day we met, he day we had our first kiss, the day we made out for the first time, when we had our first fight and the day we first french kissed. I am now 24 years old and Yejun is 26. I graduated from highschool and I quit track. Not that I hate track, I just found something else that radiates to me. Singing. Once I graduated from highschool, I started training. With Yejun and F.Cuz helping me, I finally graduated from being a trainee faster than most people. As impossible as it sounds, it took me 2 and a half years to train. Ridiculous right? The next 1 and a half years of my life were dedicated to singing. I performed all over Seoul with my debut single "Our Love." Yejun and I still dated and we helped eachother perfect our songs and dances as well as travel together. Our schedules were relatively the same so that is just how it ended up. Our managers became best friends too. On my 24th birthday, I got the greatest gift I have gotten yet and here I am 6 months later in May, 1 week away from getting married with Shim Yejun. No matter how tough my past was, I got through it and found light. I am glad I accepted that gift in my first year of highschool to come to Korea. Without that, I wouldn't be where I am now. If you have the chance to change your life, take it. It will lead you to many things and lead you to meet new people. My friends were right that day. Communication is what keeps a relationship going. If you never say anything, how will you be able to trust eachother? Even with a relationship, nothing has gotten in the way of our careers. Yejun and I proved his manager wrong. The past is what lifts your future so learn from it. 

Even with injured wings, if you just believe, you will find it.

-F.Cuz Change 2013