price of freedom

credits: trigger warning for yandere ships and all the dangers of being in it. 
disclaimer: pictures belong to their respective owners

As kids, you did as you were told. You were no different. You did what your family asked of you but when you’re a Zoldyck, things were not as simple. Most kids do not remember their childhood, only that it is filled with love, laughter and warmth but all you seem to recall was dark chambers where your trainings were held and blood.

Most of the time it belonged to someone else.

All Zoldycks were well-versed in the art of assassination from young. That means, they can kill without blinking, without a second thought. But from the very start of the training, Illumi noticed your reluctance. He noticed how you seem to hesitate when you meet their gaze, wondering what they did to deserve death. As you grew older, these unnecessary feelings often got in the way of your jobs. Sure, you did your job well enough but you were always hesitating, to land the last blow; you had always wanted to run away.

“You are not raised as a human,” He would whisper in your ear, “Thus it is pointless to act as such.”

Those words were enough to land the last blow. You would leave behind you a bloody mess and a manipulative older brother that was actually proud of you for throwing your humanity away. He was going to keep you like this; wrapped up in the chains of your own insecurities. But at one point, you decide that enough is enough and you finally did it.

You ran away.

You were adamant to see the life you never had; a normal life. So you ran away, for two years, leaving behind the deadly trainings and the assassinations that left your skin crawling with a sense of filthiness. Things were tough at first but it got better after a while. You travelled around, meeting people and earning money. Sure, sometimes it was a bother but it was a simple and easy existence that was essentially guilt free. You almost forgot you had a family in the first place.

That was until the Hunter's exam. Despite the fact you were unlucky enough to have a run-in with Killua, the other participants made the exam interesting. There was Gon, who simple-mindedly took the exam just to find his dad. There was also calm and rational Kurapika who was here to avenge his clan. There was also Leorio, a hot-headed teenager that dressed way too old for his age. He might appear materialistic with his talk about money, but he was a kind man. No mistake about that. Then there was the most intimidating man in the entire Hunter exam, Hisoka.
 
But the one that you thought was really off was Gittarackur. There was this constant nagging feeling about him, and you just felt really uncomfortable near him. During the period of the hunter exam, you had tried to ignore it and pass it off as the pins inserted around his face. You had tried not to let it show, but there was something about him that made your skin crawl just like how Illumi used to make you feel.

You only realized how scarily accurate your intuition was during the last phase of the exam. You had passed the exam by default because the one you were matched up against did not want to fight a girl. And there was Killua, who had expressed that he had no interest in fighting Pokkle. Instead, he was up against Gittarackur.

Killua strutted up to him, confidence basically oozing out of him. He was your brother and as much as you wanted to believe in him, there was this nagging feeling growing stronger with each step he took. “Kil, it’s been too long.” The both of you froze as you heard that voice. Slowly, Gittarackur pulls out the pins in his face, completely changing his face shape or returning it back to normal. Behind the numerous pins, revealed a man of a skinny stature; of pale skin, dark hair and empty eyes.

Illumi Zoldyck

Illumi is standing there, in front of Killua telling him how he did not need friends and how he did not deserve them in the first place. By the time Illumi was done, Killua was reduced into a shell of his formal self. No amount of Leorio’s pep talk could bring him out of his present state. But he was not the only one affected. You could only concentrate on the match unfolding between the two. You could feel sweat running down your face but you try to put up a front.

The match was over, but the nagging feeling at the back of your mind has only grown stronger since Leorio and Bodoro’s match were announced. Before they could start, Killua stuck a hand through Bodoro, before strutting out of the exam hall without another word.

And just like that, the exams were over. Everyone, except for Killua and a deceased Bodoro, has passed the Hunter’s exam.

You found it hard to concentrate throughout the Orientation, where they were discussing about the Hunter’s License.  You took the seat furthest from Illumi, away from everyone else. You did not want the others to see you the way you were right now, simply because you did not want to explain that you are a Zoldyck.

“I want you to apologize to Killua.” You were just as shocked, maybe even more, when Gon slammed the door open and marched in front of Illumi, obviously angered. Apparently it did not matter to Gon that he was talking to a Zoldyck assassin, who could kill everyone in the room if he wanted to.  This launched the whole lecture hall into frenzy. Accusations flied around about the results of the last phase. You tuned everyone out. Once the orientation is over, you bolted out. Kurapika chased after you.

“Are you okay?” He asks with a can of juice in his hand. “You have been spacing out ever since the exam.”

You took the juice from Kurapika gratefully. You looked away from him and nodded, “Ya, I guess.”

“You’re lying, aren’t you?” He says empathically. Leorio nodded his head. You sighed reluctantly. You didn’t want to talk about Illumi, but they were your friends and you felt as if they deserved an explanation. “You have been spacing out ever since we found out about Illumi,”

Another sigh. “I… Look, I am Killua’s older sister.” You say, before you look away. The words left a weird after taste in your mouth. “I left the Estate two years ago, and I’m scared.” Your words were so soft, until it was a whisper.

There was a silence between the three of you, and silence was all you needed. It comforted you, that these people you hardly knew actually understood your plight. The three of you sat in silence, and you suddenly realized how serene it really was.

And then, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You shot up, and you realize it is Illumi. The rest shot up as well, eyes narrowed.

“[name], it is time to go home.” Blank eyes staring into your own, you felt like you were placed in the same compromised position as Killua. There were no words exchanged between the two of you but with each passing second, you feel your knees growing weaker, until you feel like you are going to collapse under your own weight.

“No. I don’t want to.” Your voice was stronger than you felt but in all reality, it was all you could manage to say to him.

“Oh? Why? Is it because you had a person you have to protect?” He asks.

“No. I just want to live like a normal person and be happy, like a normal person.” You say, your own voice shaking.

“A normal life, you say?” He repeats, as if it was a foreign idea to him. You didn’t expect him to understand but your heart dropped any way. He puts both his hands around you, staring down at you as if you were a little child that did not understand anything.

“You are not a normal person, you are a Zoldyck.” He says, each word cutting into your psyche. You were reminded distinctly of your life back at the Estate, “All you care about is killing people; that is how we raised you.”

Each word cuts like a knife and he knows it.

“I know… But I don’t want to kill anyone, anymore.” Your voice is now a whisper.

“That’s what you tell yourself because you are too weak.” He says, his voice drowning out everything else, “That’s why you must come home and train. You have to become stronger. Then you can live the normal life you want.”

He watches as your eyes turned blank and you nod submissively at him. He pulls you away from your friends, who were trying to make sense of what happen and Illumi feels a tint of anger even though his face is still emotionless. The only person you should feel attachment to should be to him.  Gon approaches and try to pull you away but you stand there, not willing to budge from your older brother.

***
“Experience the world for yourself, and please… please don’t come back.”

You watch as Killua leaves the estate, his features lighting up as he rejoins your friends. Your stomach knots up as they leave together, before the gate slams shut.

You stare down at your thumb, and you can see that it is still bleeding. It is the proof of a blood seal you had made with your father. Killua does not know the price of his freedom, but that’s fine. You don’t regret it. Though, you can’t help the tears that refuse to stop falling from your eyes.

“I’m glad you saw things my way.”Illumi was more attached to you than Killua, seeing as he spent more time on you. He had planned things out from the start; it was fine if Killua did not come home but it was different for you. Killua ended up becoming the bargaining chip, the one that forced you to stay at the estate and do his bidding.

[You can’t keep running for your entire life]

author's note:

i was bored.