I felt strange sitting there on that swing after so long. I remember being there on rainy mornings waiting for you to come out of your building, so I could accompany you to the bus stop and go alongside. I lived closer to the school than you but I always waited with you because since we were placed in the same class at an early age, I thought it would be nice to keep you some company. My mother always said I should be nice to everyone. But I wasn’t nice to everyone. The thing is. I was especially nice to you. I’d do anything to see you smile.

The first day I saw you at school you were quiet on the last row and I was sitting next to you, observing on how you managed to get everything the teacher said at once, without even peeking at any other notebook or asking for her to explain it again. I was a reasonable student and I got absolutely dazed with you when you scored high on the school board. I congratulated you that day and we became friends. I was really happy I had a new friend.

Every day at school we’d sit side by side on classes and I’d discretely peek at you. Unsure what to ask or if I should distract you or not, we developed a friendship based in silent, comfortable moments. I began to find what love was for the first time. My heart stumbled more and more as days passed. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, but it was.

We were young and you were paying attention to the classes, every day with your pursed doll-like lips. I was younger than you. Two days, what difference does it make?

The teacher glanced at us and my big eyes glanced to the front, parted lips in surprise.

“Jiseok, what’s the answer?” She tapped her toe impatiently as I mumbled things beyond understanding. I glanced to the board surprised with what was in it. It was something I didn’t know. I haven’t paid attention for a while now.

“The answer is love.” You answered in my place and the teacher glanced satisfied, but like it wasn’t enough of an answer. Then I could hear you gulp and proceed. “The story is about love between two characters who love each other but none seems to be able to confess. It’s some sort of platonic love but platonic love would be when it’s not corresponded. But, both think there’s no use on telling it because they’ll be rejected, which is not true. They’re just frightened of what they feel, that might break them apart.”

The teacher seemed really surprised at what you said and she then roamed over at me. “Thank you, if you failed I’d most probably kick you two out of class for sharing glances during it. You two should be working on a future! That’s what school is for!” The teacher hit her book on the table. I looked down and I heard you sniff. Seems like you were crying. “Class dismissed.” She said as the class president stood to make a bow.

“How did your class go?” I turned my head towards you to verify you were packing your bag after teacher left the classroom. “You’re going home now? Are you alright?”

“I have got some headache. I need to rest, sorry for causing you trouble or anything.” You avoided to look. My heart sank in pain, it was something I never felt before. “I’ll go with you. I won’t go to the support class nor to the library to study on group. I’d rather make sure you are alright.” I said, truly concerned about your watery eyes. When you looked up I could see your dark eye bags, like you haven’t slept for days.

“I don’t want you to skip classes because of me…” You told me as you rubbed your eyes.

My big eyes roamed weak and trembling to your dark, gloomy, sleepy ones. The deeper I looked, the more I was worried. “I don’t give a damn. You’re my friend. It’s more important that any backup class.” I reacted right ahead. My stubbornness was really showing off.

We moved on forward until the bus stop like usual. We got in and sat after we showed our student identifications. Because of that we were allowed to ride for free on the bus. And thank god. We passed over my bus stop but yours was too far already. Like usual, we were sitting on a half-empty bus, on the back seats, and people slowly started going out. It was us on the bus only and since it was winter the days were short and the sunset was early. I looked at you and you were sleeping. The beauty of the sunset reflected through the window removed away your dark circles and I looked at your rosy, dry lips. You fell asleep over my shoulder on the bus and I felt the urge to feel your lips but it was wrong. It felt so wrong that it was even tempting, challenging. I did well, resisting your lips, until you fell more over me and held me unconsciously, being so close that I could sense your breathe collide with my face.

I was so tempted that temptation ended up beating me. I slowly leaned to you and placed my lips on yours. I was afraid you’d wake up after that so when I parted my lips I pressed the stop button and ran off. You were left sleeping on the bus’ back seat.

As I ran off in the cold night, in the middle of the rain, I held my soaked hair, gripping it and yelling in despair. I shouldn’t have run off. Such a coward. I was so in love with you that I was losing my voice from crying, regretting that I didn’t confess to you back on the bus. I was still not an adult but I knew I was in love with you.

My heart was in pain as soon as I got in class and saw you empty seat. I wandered if you left because I left you or you asked to leave because I kissed you.

I’d stay in class longer than usual, crying with my head banging against the pine polished surface, tears running down my face as I shamelessly sulked. I’d wait for everyone to go away so I could try to call you and see the calls get redirected to the voicemail, crying my lungs out.

I was worried, and I felt guilty.

For that reason a few days after I decided to go everyday expect you in the park but you never came back. For me. The only one who you could have ever called friend during your stay. The one that challenged everything and everyone to admit on how you made me so weak and vulnerable. I felt like you were the one but my catholic family made it something like a taboo. I never told them I was in love with you.

I never told them you were the only one I loved.

When I graduated school I saw myself be alone on the yearbook and I saw a picture of when I met you. Freshman year. It has been so many years and I’ve never quit looking out for you or what happened. I saw you come out of your building once. And I expected for you to talk with me but I never appeared in front to your doorstep so you probably didn’t see me.

You were wearing a coat and I saw a ring on your ring finger. It was your ring finger so tears fell down my cheeks as I hid from your sight. I couldn’t believe, I never forgot you and now, I did lose you. Two years passed by and I never thought I would lose you like this, after I ran off. I felt useless, so stupid. I felt like I was being selfish as well, expecting you to be here whenever I wanted you. But, I’ve always wanted you. And now, it was all over.

I ran off of that playground with a hoodie placed on my head, and I went by foot. My hand was running to my nose as I cried as hard as I cried back in the night I first kissed you. I ran off and heard a window get slapped eagerly. Then I heard a calling. It was a more mature voice, not the voice I used to hear. It was you still. Your voice was still beautiful and you still had the same doll-like lips.

“Jiseok!” You were really calling me. I didn’t want you to see me, I didn’t want you to find me crying, I didn’t want you to know you were my weakness. Nor how you could play me like a puppet, how you managed to be both my sadness and happiness, how much I loved you.

You walked off without seeing me and sniffed just like the day I kissed you. Were you… crying? I asked myself, wanting to know what was wrong, and if you’d still talk to me. Once again, I’d try to help you and I’d fall in your trap again, let you sleep on my shoulder and kiss you, expecting for you to keep on sleeping.

My eyes closed and tears were shed either way. I was still crying, but I was silent, and I didn’t want you to find me. I deep down wanted it to happen, but that ring on your finger was a thing possible to happen, that I never expected. And it was taking me back from any possible words of yours.

After that day I decided not to appear anymore at the playground but instead I saw you roaming around my house. Because classes were over and next year I’d be going to college, I was packing my stuff. People said to me that a long-date friend looked for me everywhere. The reply was all the same, it was you who looked after me nonstop that day.

Not only that day. I travelled to Incheon to clear my mind and get myself a job as a DJ on one of those beach nightlife entertainment spots.

The day I came back I saw my younger brother talk to you. I hid before you could find me and again the weakness you provoked in me made me cry like I didn’t for so long. Pain shattering my chest as I silently wiped my tears. You weren’t worth my tears, I wanted to believe. But I loved you too much to even say it out loud.

“I’m sorry… Jiseok is out. I’m not sure when he’ll return, he’s working at Incheon and for a few days he has been sleeping there. I bet he’ll comeback when summer is over for good.” Jiho, my younger brother told you.

“Give him this…” You looked at your hand and took out your ring, the ring I saw days ago on your hand, on your ring finger. What are you doing, I wanted to scream at you but instead I just disappeared in the cold night, crying like you’ve always made me cry. Was it possible that I couldn’t forget you? Was it possible that my heart kept beating for you after so long? Why did I have to cry, be weak, because of you?

Tears would stubbornly fall over my face as my dark straight yet messy fringe fell over my eyes. I sat on the bus stop, holding my knees tightly and crying against them. I was sensitive. I felt so weak. I wasn’t this weak. I couldn’t be this weak. No, that was not true.

Summer ended and with it came college, and Autumn. I was moving out of my house when I got back from Incheon. I spent the rest of the summer in Incheon and didn’t even dare to come around my house. I knew that when I arrived I’d have a ring waiting for me. Your ring.

I still wandered why you gave it to me but as soon as I looked at it with widened eyes, I ran out of the door looking for you. I ran the fast I could, tears running down my cheeks as the wind drove them away. But I didn’t quit. Because the ring you had used to be mine.

I was hurt. My knees were weak and all I wanted was to ask for forgiveness. After all you loved me all this time. And I thought you moved on without me. I should have never left you on the bus alone that winter night, the heavy rain pouring all over me as tears would mix with them and slowly melt me from the inside out. But when I verified if you were there I ended up realizing you weren’t. You were gone. You were gone since the day you delivered your – or my – ring.

I didn’t want to believe I did lose you one more time. I’ve had several chances and I wasted them right ahead. You were gone for good. But I still insisted on sleeping on the swing I used to sit on while waiting for you to come down the stairs of your building, linking arms with me playfully as I’d hiss and joke all over the way and call you a flower boy.

I loved you so much, Kim Jungwoo.

Later on, I finally moved out. I had a lot of backpacks and the tiny flat was bought so we could use it for when my brother joined college, probably two or three years later.

I decided to major in a Polytechnic college. I wasn’t sure what I’d do with my life in the future. I wasn’t even 20 yet. My mind always kept wandering if you were alright, where you were. I still had your old cellphone number but there was no use on calling you. Four years ago, when you went away, I never called a single time. I did but I quit right away. I once called anonymously to just hear your voice. You’ve been in my mind the whole time and there wasn’t a single thing I could have done by now. I could have done more back then. I could have said I loved you when I had the chance.

On the freshman welcoming party, I got a few sunbaes looking after me and talking with me. And I allowed them to reach me. I allowed them to do whenever they wanted. I drank. To forget you. And I ended having several of them guiding to a room. I was so drunk that I don’t remember a single thing. I woke up, having two women laying right next to me. This wasn’t what I wanted. I stood and left with teary eyes. And on my way out I faced you.

And then, once again I ran off. But you held to me and my tears kept falling.

“Why did you keep on running?” You asked me and I turned back with watery eyes. You were slightly shorter than me, with tanner skin, still the same dark circles and the same doll-like lips. “I looked for you everywhere. Why did you leave me?”

“I’m so sorry, Jungwoo, I never meant to.” My voice was gravely and husky, I just woke up. Distorted and weak, like I was deep down. “I thought…” Then I looked down. “You’d never love me the way I’ve loved you all this time.”

And then, I said it. You seemed shocked at first but your hands slowly tugged to my ed wrinkled shirt and pulled me to your doll-like lips. I never thought you would be making that. I’ve spent all my youth scared to love you, how could I expect that?

My lips shyly bruised against yours at first but then I held you tight and kissed you with so much will I never thought that could be possible. I grinned finally, and d you in between my arms as I kept kissing you for a good time.

I was so in love with you. The rain poured its healing touch over us and we became two dots of color and love in between the dark, cloudy, colorless atmosphere that surrounded us. We were the only people in the world and I finally could say out loud for everyone to hear that you loved me and I loved you.

“Jungwoo hyung…” I looked down at your eyes, unsure what to do or say.

You placed your index on my craving, dry, thick lips and smiled with the smile that melted me down whenever you’d show it. I felt like a crybaby for this much agony of not having. For what? You loved me all this time. “Don’t say anything. It was my fault too. I was awake on the bus. I wanted that to happen. I’ve always wanted you.” Your lips then roamed to mine again and I cupped your cheeks instinctively, kissing you like I didn’t want that to end no matter what.

Later on, we kept on meeting each other. And, when we finished our college courses, there I was, sitting on the swing, remembering how I fell in love with you with a soft grin on my lips. You came to me with one of your beautiful smiles and sat on leg. Our fingers intertwined and I grinned wide as I kissed you. Two glowing hands in the sun: we were newly married. I couldn’t believe we had this fate, eight years since I first saw you in that same spot, when I was waiting for you to go with me to school on that same exact swing.