It’s odd how much someone can assure themselves that they’ll be okay, even though they know they’re not, or that they may never be. It’s odd that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t convince myself that it will get better, that it will eventually become easier, that one day, I might just be happy without you.

     I don’t know why I’m still so attached, especially after today, especially after the news had circulated all throughout the media. My mother had always taught me that if you had a gut feeling, you should listen to it. But whenever you came home with a smile on your face, swollen lips and flushed cheeks, I ignored my gut feeling. I ignored the feeling, because I wanted so desperately for you to be mine.

     But tonight, you hadn’t come home yet. And I think that makes it worse, because you could have a bigger smile on your face, your lips could be even more swollen, and your cheeks could be the same shade as your favourite colour. It makes it worse, because I have no idea. I have no idea what you’re like right now, hell, you could even be sleeping with him and I wouldn’t even know.

     I laugh to myself, my mind racing with thoughts of how I could allow myself to sink so low. Maybe it’s because you’re so imperfectly perfect, and I’m just me.

     I can’t think of the answer, so I come up with a new one.

     I’ll just drink another shot.

     “Tae, that’s your thirteenth one.”

     Was it?

     I had no idea; I think I might’ve forgotten how long I’ve actually been sitting here. I stared down at the empty glass, my reflection was hazy, or maybe I was actually starting to get drunk.

     “You should stop.”

     I completely agreed with her, I should stop. I should stop drinking; I should stop wallowing in my own pity. But−

     “I can’t.”

     She nods, lowering her head. She stared at her hands, or maybe her knees, maybe even my knees. I don’t know anymore.

     “I understand.”

     Did she?

     But then I remembered, she did. Months ago, I found her in here, in the same condition as me. Someone she had feelings for had gone to someone else, but she never told me who, even though I had my suspicions. We had stayed up all night, talking about things that no one should talk about. She had convinced me that she was fine, sending me to bed.

     I looked at the clock above the stove, realising just how late it was.

     “You should sleep, Jess.” I said.

     She laughed under her breath, shaking her head. When she looked back up at me, her eyes were full of concern and sympathy. I don’t know what mine were full of, but she seemed to understand it.

     “Alright, but wake me up if you need me.”

     I nodded, smiling thankfully at her.

     Once she had left, I sighed. It was hard work convincing her that I was okay, I mean, I couldn’t even convince myself. Because I know I’m not okay, I know I probably won’t be okay for a while. And I don’t know what hurts more, how I feel now, or the fact that I’m going to feel like this for a while.

     Just as I was pouring another shot, I heard the door.

     Then I heard you.

     I heard your footsteps, the soft padding of your bare feet; I heard your heavy breathing, and it hit me that it was probably because of him.

     You looked at me, your smile dropping, eyebrows furrowing and nostrils flaring. You rushed to me, but stopped when you got too close, pulling yourself up.

     “Tae,”

     Your voice was like a knife sinking into butter, and I hated how it made me so damn sated to hear it.

     “Don’t you ing Tae me.”

     You were hurt by my words, hurt by the tone I said them in. I rarely swore at you, so it made sense. But surely, you should’ve seen that coming.

     “What’s wrong with you?”

     “That’s rich, Tiffany. You know what’s wrong?” I downed my shot, holding the warm glass between my fingers. “The fact that you went to him so easily. The fact that you had no problem sneaking out of bed with me last week, last month, the last four months. The fact that you pushed me away so simply, as if I were nothing. The fact that you swept me under the rug, like some ing toy, all just for him. That’s what’s wrong.”

     That hurt you too; I could see it in your eyes. But the thing was, I don’t know if I cared anymore. It was nice that you were the one who was hurt for a change.

     “It's not like that.”

     “Then enlighten me, will you? Because I don’t understand how one day, you can tell me you want me, and then the next day, be all lovey dovey with him.”

     “We were buddies, Tae; it’s not like what we had was anything special.”

     That hurt.

     That hurt more than anything.

     The way it slipped out of your mouth so simply, so easily, without a single trace of doubt in your voice; it was like a thousand arrows had been shot, all aiming at the target inside my chest.

     I didn’t know when my eyes started to sting, but they did. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I placed the glass onto the bench.

     “It was to me.”

     There, I said it. I finally admitted it to someone who wasn’t my mirror or Jessica.

     “What?”

     “Don’t you get it, Tiff?” I laughed, I don’t know why, but it felt good. “I made it the way it was because there was no other way to have you. And even if it meant you were mine for only a couple of stolen hours, hell, at least you were mine. It was the only way that you could be with me without being disgusted with yourself; it was the only way you could be with me at all.”

     You looked like you had just witnessed a murder, eyes wide and slack jawed. Though, it didn’t surprise me that you were like this, sometimes you were just so goddamn clueless when it came to us.

     “You’re saying you had feelings for me throughout the whole deal?”

     I nodded, unable to get rid of the clenching feeling in my throat.

     “But that was the number one rule,” You continued. “No falling.”

     It was a rule I had implemented from the start, a rule made solely for me. Because I knew I’d fall, I knew I’d fall hard and fast. How could I not? It was inevitable.

     Which is why it made me mad.

     “I’m sorry for falling for you, okay?” I stood up from my chair angrily, my voice rising with each word. “I’m sorry that I find you to be the most beautiful person to grace the earth, I’m sorry that I’m only happy when you’re in the room, I’m sorry that no matter how ing hard I try, I can’t stop loving you.”

     You shook your head, over and over and over, as if trying to shake my words away from your mind.

     “I can’t believe this.”

     I didn’t know what else to say, I mean, there was nothing more to say. You didn’t believe my words, so, maybe you’ll believe my actions.

     I grasped your hand, relishing in the warm feeling of it.

     “Then believe this,”

     I placed your hand over my shirt, hoping that you would understand. Your eyebrows shot upwards, disappearing underneath your bangs.

     “Feel that? Feel how fast its beating?” You nodded, still not comprehending just how rapid my heartbeat is. “That’s all because of you. All because you’re in the same room as me, because you’re touching me. It’s all because of you, Fany; and if I have to apologise for that, then, I’ll have to apologise every time you walk into the dorm.”

     I pushed your hand away from my chest, knowing too much contact could set me off.

     “I . . . Didn’t know.”

     Your voice was raspy, like there was something stuck in your throat.

     I smiled, though it was far less than half-hearted.

     “Of course you didn’t,” I shrugged. “Like you said, we were buddies, nothing more.”

     I looked down; wondering whether now was the time to call it quits.

     “Tae,”

     “Don’t bother; you made your point very clear.”

     I spun on my heel; thinking now was definitely time to walk away and just accept that you’ll never be mine.

     But I was tugged.

     Tugged by the hand I didn’t know I was still holding.

     “I had no idea, I thought−”

     “I know.”

     I didn’t want any more excuses, no more words to try and salvage something that was already lost.

     “Let me finish,” You huffed, anger flaring in your eyes. I faced you completely, your hand pulling mine closer. “I had no idea; I thought it was just me.”

     I felt my nose crinkle, “What are you talking about?”

     You brought my hand over your heart, and I didn’t know what to think at first, my mind going completely blank.

     Because underneath your tee, the same erratic beating could be felt.

     “I’m talking about this; the same thing you’re feeling is what I’m feeling.”

     I sighed, “It's not like it changes anything.”

     I know what I was saying is true, it doesn’t change anything. You’ll still be with him because it’s publically acceptable, because it’s not frowned upon, because it’s safe and you’ve always been the type to not take risks.

     “But, it does.”

     Your hand took mine lower, placing it on your hip. You leant closer, a hand resting on my shoulder.

     I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

     So, I did what I always do.

     I freaked out.

     “What are you doing?”

     You were even closer now, your lips brushing against mine, your breath drawing me closer, your mere presence setting me on fire.

     “For old times’ sake,”

     That was the last thing I heard before you kissed me.

A/N: So, I'm not actually all that happy with this one . . . But I can't figure out why.