November winds bring in changes to the leaves, changes to the weather, a change of pace in classes with teachers beginning to dig in to the real material. The deepening of autumn brings plenty of changes everywhere, and Dongwoon wishes it would bring a change in the way he feels about Kikwang but obviously Life only grants wishes to people it likes and Dongwoon just isn’t one of them.

          There was once a time when the little man inside of Dongwoon would start buying party hats and hanging banners when Kikwang did the littlest things like smiling at Dongwoon or telling Dongwoon that he’ll hang out with him this weekend instead of Hyunseung. Nowadays, whenever little things like that happen, the little man still starts buying party hats and hanging banners but Dongwoon always knocks the hats to the ground and rips the banners because by this point, he’s not waiting for Kikwang to finally look at him—finally see him as more than a dongsaeng.

          By this point, he’s waiting for himself to be able to look at Kikwang as just a hyung.

          And of course, it doesn’t help that despite the fact that the soccer team these days is on the verge of breaking out into the third world war, Kikwang seems relaxed as ever and constantly leeching himself onto Dongwoon. Of course, this makes the little man as ridiculously happy as Joon is attractive. It makes the little man happy and Dongwoon at a loss and all in all, nothing could ever go worse than things are going now except now Kibum is getting himself involved too even though Dongwoon specifically asked him not to.

          “It’s just,” Kibum says as he walks Dongwoon to practice, even though the rest of the team has officially deemed Doojoon insane for making them practice outside in this weather when their school has a perfectly useable indoor-soccer-field-a-la-rich-and-swanky, “watching you with Kikwang-hyung is so painful. It’s like getting knives stabbed into my chest.”

          Dongwoon thinks that the swimmer doesn’t look pained at all, and looks rather cheerful at the prospect of seeing Doojoon and Junhyung shirtless. “Then watching Junhyung-hyung and Hyunseung-hyung must be like getting axes rammed into your skull,” he says, and refrains from adding that watching Kibum and Jonghyun is like getting mallets thrown at your face.

          “Those two still haven’t made up?” Kibum asks, sounding as unimpressed as Dongwoon feels.

          “No,” Dongwoon says. “We locked them in a closet at Joonie-hyung’s party, and they still haven’t made up. I think Yoseob-hyung’s thinking of handcuffing them together but Doojoon-hyung says that’s illegal.”

          Kibum looks thoughtful. “Where would you get the handcuffs?”

          Dongwoon feels his ears heat up at the tips and he coughs, because he’s already gone through this trauma once and he doesn’t really want to go through it again.

          Kibum suddenly stops and hits Dongwoon in the stomach, his eyes wide. Dongwoon stops walking, too, and coughs again, glancing sheepishly at the other boy. “No,” Kibum whispers, a disbelieving grin spreading on his face. He laughs—in utter incredulity. “Yoseob-hyung and Doojoon-hyung? Really?”

          “Kibummie,” Dongwoon whines. “Can we please not do this now? I couldn’t look at their faces for a week after they told me and Kikwang-hyung, and I’m about to have to go to practice with them in like two minutes.”

          Kibum starts walking again, a bounce in his step and the grin permanently latched all over his face. “That’s hot,” he says cheerily. “I wonder who wears them.”

          Dongwoon groans. “Kibummie, I’m begging you,” he says. “These are my hyungs.”

          “Yeah,” Kibum says indifferently, “well, Kikwang-hyung is your hyung too, but you wouldn’t mind putting him in handcuffs, would you?”

          This time, it’s Dongwoon who stops walking and stares at the other boy.

          Kibum raises an eyebrow, a few paces ahead.

          “Now look what you’ve done,” Dongwoon says after a moment, jerking his head downward. “When am I supposed to before practice?”

          Kibum rolls his eyes. “Just say that you ate something bad at lunch and tell them you’ll be out on the field in a few minutes after they get on,” he says dismissively. “This is why you should be on the swim team instead—everyone gets hard underwater, so it’s no big deal.”

          Dongwoon looks at him oddly. “Don’t you mean that Jonghyun-hyung jacks you off underwater so it’s no big deal?”

          Kibum shrugs considerably. “That, too.”

          When Kibum sees Dongwoon off at the locker rooms, he’s somehow managed to think away his and proudly throws his arms around Kikwang when the older boy launches himself at the first year the moment he steps into the locker rooms. He smells Kikwang and feels Kikwang and yet no so he mentally slaps the little man inside of him in triumph.

          “You’re late,” Kikwang says, pulling away and resuming pulling on his socks. He pads over to his and Dongwoon’s section of the locker room. Dongwoon sees that Kikwang’s things are already spread out messily the way they always are on the bench, leaving almost no room for Dongwoon’s bag.

          He knows he should find this irritating, but the little man finds it adorable so that forces Dongwoon to find it adorable, and he thinks that the little man probably needs some pills just like Joon because this way of thinking is clearly not mentally right.

          “I was with Kibummie,” he explains and starts turning in his combination.

          “Oh,” Kikwang’s eyes get a little bigger. “How’re he and Jonghyunnie doing?”

          Dongwoon s his uniform shirt and slides it off of his shoulders. “Terrible,” he says, as he yanks his undershirt over his head. “I mean—things are going great to Jonghyun-hyung, I guess. And they’re going great in the way Kibummie thinks they should be going, but really, it’s just all getting worse.”

          “That ,” Kikwang says quietly.

          Dongwoon glances up and finds Kikwang staring at his cleats, a tiny crease in between his eyebrows, and his full lips set as if he is unhappily contemplating something. “What does?” Dongwoon asks.

          “To be able to be really close to someone you like, but not be able to be with them in the way you want,” Kikwang says, still looking at his cleats.

          Dongwoon doesn’t respond and immediately busies himself with taking off the rest of his uniform, and putting on his jersey and shorts and socks and cleats. He should have known better than to bring up a situation that’s so dangerously close in relevance to his own—if they talked any more about this in the direction it’s now headed, Dongwoon will be treading in abyss-deep waters.

          Although really, Dongwoon supposes he shouldn’t have to worry at all because Kikwang is referring to Hyunseung.

          Kikwang is referring to Hyunseung and there is no chance of Dongwoon being found out because all Kikwang can see, and has ever seen for so long now is Hyunseung. And Kikwang will never see Dongwoon, which means it doesn’t matter if the waters are as deep as the ocean—Dongwoon will never drown in them because Kikwang will never guess that Dongwoon has feelings for him.

          The little man’s shoulders slump.

          “Does it hurt a lot?” Dongwoon asks quietly. “To see Hyunseung-hyung this miserable over Junhyung-hyung?”

          He glances up at Kikwang and is a bit confused when he’s met with matched confusion in the other boy’s eyes. There is that uncomprehending light in Kikwang’s eyes for just a split moment before it quickly fades away and Kikwang says, “It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.” He smiles slightly, not enough to make his eyes vanish, but it does reach all of his features and Dongwoon knows it’s not forced.

          The little man looks up, hopefully.

          But Dongwoon ignores that because the little man doesn’t seem to realize or remember that just because Kikwang is slowly getting over Hyunseung, it doesn’t mean that Kikwang will automatically fall into Dongwoon’s arms. Dongwoon is probably the last direction Kikwang will look. They are best friends, after all, childhood friends, and you never fall in love with your childhood friends—not with what Dongwoon is surrounded by.

          Doojoon and Yoseob had never met until first year. Junhyung and Hyunseung had only briefly met in seventh and eighth grade. Jonghyun and Kibum had known the other existed, but they had never really known each other until middle school. And Dongwoon has a feeling that Joon’s retarded genius might just somehow be able to work some sort of miraculous magic and get him Yang Seungho, and they too hadn’t met until just this year. Clearly, falling in love with your close childhood friend is nowhere in the game plan to getting a successful relationship.

          Because when you are around someone for that long, when you’ve been by their side growing up, you go to them for everything, lean on them for everything, tell them everything, you depend on them for everything but the moment it becomes about love, you look right past the top of their heads.

          “Really?” Dongwoon says, raising his eyebrows.

          Kikwang’s teeth visibly dig into his lower lip, and he looks directly into Dongwoon’s eyes. He smiles again, almost nervously. “Dongwoon-ah,” he says, “can I sleep over tonight?”

          Dongwoon blinks. “Sure,” he replies, mildly surprised. He frowns. “Why?”

          Kikwang drops his gaze, and opens his mouth—

          “Yah,” Doojoon says, striding toward them from the other side of the locker room. “Your hyungs have been out doing warm ups for fifteen minutes and you two still aren’t out.” He looks unhappily at Dongwoon. “And you—you were late, so you’re doing ten laps around the field after practice.”

          Dongwoon’s jaw falls open. “Hyung,” he says. He glances at Kikwang for back-up, except the second year is facing the corner, clearly trying not to laugh at Dongwoon’s misfortune.

          Hyunseung thinks that if Joon is considered retarded, then Hyunseung himself must be absolutely brainless.

          It was stupid in the first place to get himself locked up in a closet with Junhyung, but it was brainless to bring up the jacket. Why the did he have to bring up the jacket? Things were going fairly not-that-disastrous when they just kept the awkward conversation to when-they-would-be-released, but then Hyunseung had to bring up the jacket and the brainlessness of it all is just really confounding.

          The tactlessness is pretty confounding too.

          And also the naïve hopelessness.

          And just the plain stupidity.

          Because clearly if Hyunseung looks like a drowned rat freezing in the autumn air and waiting for his ride, someone as kind as Junhyung isn’t just going to pass him by without a second glance. Despite how many children his face has brought to the brink of tears, Junhyung is one of the kindest people Hyunseung’s ever known, and Junhyung lending his jacket to Hyunseung is really nothing special. It’s not special treatment, it’s not special acknowledgement, and it definitely by no way—no matter what angle you look at it from—it by no way means that Junhyung still has feelings for Hyunseung.

          He just wishes that Junhyung would’ve remembered to pick it up from Dongwoon because after the other boy forgot, Hyunseung had to take it back home and was stuck with it for the past few weeks and it smelled exactly like Junhyung—smelled so strongly of Junhyung and it really, really was sort of an accident because Hyunseung was just bored on his bed and holding the jacket and imagining Junhyung’s face and he didn’t mean to because his hand just slipped under his waistband and—

          Yeah.

          So now, Hyunseung is not only brainless, but he’s officially the worst person ever for being when he’s supposed to be appropriately miserable and depressed.

          Also, to add insult to injury, he still has Junhyung’s jacket.

          He thinks he should really probably return that to the other boy soon because the weather’s getting colder and if he has to get a new jacket just because Hyunseung is too brainless to give him back the one he was kind enough to lend, then that’s just going to be another reason for Junhyung to hate him.

          Just perfect.

          What is even more perfect is the fact that Doojoon must have ed his brains out the night before because even Hyunseung is not quite brainless enough to make his team practice in the fall air when they have a perfectly heated indoor soccer field awaiting them. He thinks that his kneecaps have probably lost all life, and somewhere during the halfway mark of their practice, everyone went inside to get sweatshirts and gloves and soccer players wearing gloves when they aren’t the goalie is just mountains of ridiculous.

          They probably would have all frozen to death in the mountain of ridiculous if it weren’t for Yoseob who took it upon himself as the only one on the team with a chance of getting through to Doojoon—although the rest of them thought it was less of a chance and more of a surefire method because since when has Doojoon ever denied Yoseob anything?

          Hyunseung thinks that Doojoon has finally reached Joon’s level of retardation when the captain sees Yoseob shiver for all of two seconds and firmly raises his hand and declares practice over with. He throws one arm around the goalie and they go, securely attached at the hip, back to the locker rooms. Dongwoon and Kikwang glumly decide that they’ll bring their clothes and shower at Dongwoon’s house since no one wants to be anywhere in the vicinity of the locker room considering what Doojoon most likely meant when he told them that he needs to get Yoseob back inside pronto to warm him up.

          And this, of course, predictably enough leaves him alone on the field.

          With Junhyung.

          Alone with Junhyung on a soccer fields is a situation filled with more memories than Hyunseung ever wants to think about.

          It’s been a miracle so far that they’ve been able to practice and Junhyung and Hyunseung have been able to pass balls to each other without speaking—without even glancing at each other.

          It’s miraculous, but it’s painful.

          It’s always painful.

          Hyunseung makes to head back in after Kikwang and Dongwoon, guessing that Junhyung probably has to put the balls and cones they used for drills back in the storage at the side of the school. He sees Kikwang and Dongwoon off out of the locker room and goes to use the showers at the far end because when he passes the main stalls, he already sees flashes of skin from the captain and co-captain and he tries very hard not to linger on the fact that his peripheral catches Yoseob suspended up against the wall, legs around Doojoon’s waist with both of them far too for Hyunseung’s mental state.

          He showers and dresses as quickly as possible because the locker rooms, despite the maze of walls, are still essentially one big open space and sounds tend to echo and Hyunseung doesn’t need to know what Doojoon and Yoseob sound like when they come.

          He really, really, really, really doesn’t.

          Really.

          He thinks that maybe, if Doojoon and Yoseob were bunnies, and if Yoseob was a female bunny, that they’d populate the earth to the point where there would be more bunnies than human, thus bringing about the apocalypse for over-population of one race over another and combining to be complete over-population.

          Hyunseung wonders if this will be a good thesis statement for the research paper he has to write for his AP History.

          He’s halfway through plotting how to present this idea to his teacher, since their statements are due by the end of next week, when Yoseob walks to the bench in their section of the locker room. The goalie’s cheeks are bright red, and he’s holding a towel around his waist, hair and body dripping wet. “I can’t believe you ed with me still here,” Hyunseung says, disappointedly.

          Yoseob grins. “We have to do what we have to do.”

          “Doojoonie is not something you have to do,” Hyunseung says, wrinkling his nose.

          “Sure he is,” Yoseob says bracingly as Doojoon shuffles around this way and that behind them, getting dressed and drying his hair with the high-stationed hair-dryers on the walls. He looks Hyunseung up and down. “You leaving?”

          “Yeah, I guess,” Hyunseung checks his cell phone. “My driver’s picking up my little sister right now so I don’t know if I should just hitch a ride home with someone or wait it out.”

          Doojoon comes to stand with them—the older boy is still pretty much too, just a towel around his waist, except he isn’t as soaking wet as Yoseob still is. “Who were you thinking of getting a ride from?” the captain asks. Yoseob throws his towel onto the bench and starts pulling on his boxers, and sweatpants.

          Hyunseung shrugs, puffing out his cheeks as he thinks of names. “I think Yonghwa might still be here,” he says. “He has concert rehearsals all this week.” His eyes widen as he remembers someone else. “Oh—and Joonie-hyung, right? Because he’s still got tutoring.”

          “Isn’t his tutoring only an hour?” Yoseob asks, combing at his wet hair absently with his fingertips.

          Hyunseung frowns. “Oh—yeah, right.” He shrugs again. “I’ll just wait, I guess.”

          “If you’re staying for a bit,” Doojoon says, finishing the last of his changing. “Then can you go down and check the field out? Make sure no one left anything behind and all of that?”

          “Do I have to lock anything up?” Hyunseung asks, feet already starting to walk back towards the entrance to the field. “Storage room or—?”

          “No, I already did all that,” Doojoon says, waving a hand. “Thanks, Hyunseung-ah!” he calls as Hyunseung leaves.

          Hyunseung knows that there is a lot of stupid in the world. He knows that he and Joon are pretty good examples of the stupid in the world. He knows that what happened during the soccer camp and Joon’s party was completely stupidity and brainlessness on his part. However, being part of that percent that embodies all that’s stupid in the world, it’s just as easy for Hyunseung to recognize stupid outside of himself, and right now, he’s witnessing something stupider than him and Joon put together with maybe Kikwang and Jonghyun on the side.

          He’s currently looking at Yong Junhyung practicing soccer drills outside in the darkening November air wearing a t-shirt and shorts and it’s just begun to mist and Hyunseung thinks his mind is starting to implode from the sheer dumbness of this all.

          He thinks that his mind is definitely imploding because that’s the only way to make sense out of what happens next.

          What happens next is purely out of Hyunseung’s control because his mind is imploding and thus he has no responsibility or awareness of the fact that he’s running out into the middle of the field, and so furious that the tiny, sane part of him is worried he’s going to slap Junhyung across the face.

          “Yah!” he screams, striding over and shoving Junhyung back by the shoulders, away from the strewn soccer balls. “Yah—are you ing stupid?”

          Junhyung’s eyes have stretched so wide, they are taking up half his face. His mouth has fallen open.

          Except Hyunseung doesn’t see any of this.

          Hyunseung just sees the way that the other boy’s clothes are glued to his body from sweat despite the freezing weather. He just sees how Junhyung’s hair is plastered onto his face with a mixture of rain and perspiration, the way Junhyung’s entire body is sagging from exhaustion, the way Junhyung’s chest is moving up and down at the speed of light just from trying to catch his breath.

          “Why the hell are you out here?” Hyunseung shouts.

          Junhyung still seems to be shocked frozen.

          “It’s ing freezing, it’s ing raining, and everyone else thought you were inside and left ages ago—when the hell were you planning to stop? When it starts storming?” Hyunseung asks furiously.

          Junhyung’s first sign of life since Hyunseung pushed him is to start blinking again. His next sign of life is to stutter, “I—I—I mean—drills.”

          Hyunseung stares in utter disbelief.

          A moment passes and Hyunseung exhales through his teeth, and shakes his head. “Whatever,” he mutters. “Do whatever the hell you want.” He spins around and walks back to the school without looking back at Junhyung’s last expression.

          Kikwang doesn’t know if this is a good idea.

          He doesn’t know why the hell he thought this would ever be anything except a bad idea. He supposes that considering he was convinced to do this by Joon at his party, he wasn’t thinking at all because no one who takes ideas from Joon should ever expect results that are anything but disastrous. He doesn’t think this is a good idea, and doesn’t know if he should be doing this, but it doesn’t matter what he thinks because he’s already at Dongwoon’s house and halfway to the bad-good-terrifying-idea so he might as well go through with it otherwise he’ll never get another chance if he chickens out this time.

          Dongwoon let him shower first again, so Kikwang’s sitting on one side of Dongwoon’s bed in a long-sleeved shirt and sweats, freshly showered and trying to tell his heart that beating that loudly isn’t going to do anything but tire itself out and pick a fight with Kikwang’s eardrums. His knees are held to his chest with his chin resting against his arms.

          The maknae comes out minutes later, a towel draped loosely over his head, and his hands are still in the middle of tugging his shirt over his body. Kikwang watches him move around the room and thinks about how there’s something beautiful, something desirable, about how Dongwoon manages to move so sinuously with his height—different from the rapid, animal-like way he moves about the soccer field. It’s especially beautiful in the soft glow of the lights, the night sky peeking dark through the windows in the background.

          The first year looks at him suddenly from where he’s putting away his soccer clothes in the laundry basket. He grins a little. “What?”

          Kikwang blinks—surprised. “What?”

          Dongwoon shrugs, still smiling. “You were staring at me.”

          Kikwang smiles back, tilting his head to one side. “Nah—it’s just your imagination.”

          The other boy leans back against the dresser, folding his arms. “Nope—you were definitely staring,” he insists playfully and Kikwang laughs. “So, are you going to tell me why you wanted to sleep over or is it just because you wanted to see my amazing face?”

          Kikwang narrows his eyes teasingly. “Wow—guessed me in one try, Dongwoon-ah.”

          “Hyung,” Dongwoon says, laughing slightly. “C’mon, just tell me.”

          Kikwang bites his lip, and smiles nervously. “It’s not even that interesting so don’t imagine too much, okay?” he says hesitantly.

          “Is it important to you?” Dongwoon asks, raising his eyebrows.

          “Well, I mean, yeah, but—”

          “Then I can’t wait to hear,” Dongwoon says matter-of-factly.

          Kikwang stares and his heart no longer cares about running out of breath or getting into a fight with his eardrums—it’s beating at full speed, at full sound, and Kikwang doesn’t know if he can still draw breath with all that pressure being pounded against his chest. “Oh,” he breathes faintly, “okay.”

          Dongwoon jumps lightly onto the bed, making the mattress bounce. He folds his legs Indian-style and watches Kikwang expectantly. “Hit me with it,” he says, clapping his hands briskly and a tiny smile makes its way onto Kikwang’s face at that.

          “So,” Kikwang starts quietly, taking a deep breath and looking into Dongwoon’s eyes. “I know it’s weird to just say this—like, it’s not just all of a sudden, I mean, I’ve noticed it for a while, but I just figured it out recently and,” he pauses, thinking. “I guess,” he goes on hesitantly. “I just—um—I don’t—I don’t like Hyunseung-hyung anymore.” It takes him everything he has to continue looking straight at Dongwoon instead of into his lap.

          He continues to lock gazes with Dongwoon and watches the expressions fade in and out of the first year’s eyes—first surprise, then confusion, then realization, and then a last emotion that Kikwang can’t really put his finger on.

          “You—you—?” Dongwoon finally says blankly.

          “I—I,” Kikwang teases. He laughs because Dongwoon just seems to be taken aback and nothing bad is happening, which is more than anyone should ever hope for after taking an idea from Lee Joon. “I don’t like him anymore, nope,” he says again, shaking his head.

          Dongwoon blinks, still looking slightly disbelieving. “Really?”

          Kikwang nods. He thinks that the shock should have worn off of the other boy by now considering it really isn’t that significant—well, to Kikwang it clearly is, but it doesn’t really affect Dongwoon much other than the fact that now Dongwoon won’t have to listen to Kikwang being depressing and stupid over someone who will never love him back.

          However, Dongwoon is still staring blankly, as if someone’s just torn up homework he stayed up nights doing and he can’t quite believe it’s just happened before his eyes. “Wait,” he says, “so who do you like, then?”

          Now it’s Kikwang’s turn to stare because this is clearly not supposed to happen—Joon never mentioned this happening. Kikwang never pulled into account this happening because Dongwoon isn’t supposed to interrogate him like this. “No one,” Kikwang says and hopes he doesn’t sound too rushed about it. He smiles to cover it up, this time making his eyes vanish on purpose so Dongwoon doesn’t see the lie because that’s something Dongwoon’s always been good at—reading Kikwang.

          The expression on Dongwoon’s face has morphed from blankly surprised into utterly floored. “No one?” he repeats, still sounding like he might pass out.

          Kikwang’s lower lip slides out and he nods. “Yup,” he lies again.

          Dongwoon stares widely for another few seconds, and then the first year says with a straight face, “Good.”

          Kikwang’s eyebrows knit together. “Good?”

          “Yeah—good, because now I won’t have to have your big head leaning on my shoulder all night long,” Dongwoon says, and his face is slowly breaking out into a soft smile. Kikwang finds himself relaxing too, his expression mirroring Dongwoon’s.

          “Yah,” he says with a small laugh. “My head is the same size as Yoseob-hyung’s. It’s yours that’s too big.”

          Dongwoon doesn’t answer—instead, he tackles Kikwang down onto the pillows in a fierce hug, burying his face in the crook of Kikwang’s neck and Kikwang thinks this is probably the bad thing that’s happening as a result of taking Joon’s idea because his heart is racing—racing and racing and beating so furiously fast and loud. It takes all he has to let none of it show when he asks, “Why’re you so happy?”

          The first year pulls away enough to look at Kikwang with a grin on his face. “It to see you sad, hyung,” he says, the smile literally stretching beyond his ears and Kikwang thinks that if Dongwoon keeps doing things like this, Kikwang is going to have heart failure.

          Junhyung’s jacket is laid over the duffel bag that holds his change of clothes. Hyunseung is long gone when Junhyung finally manages to rip himself out of the shock and get back to the locker rooms.

          His jacket is there, waiting for him, along with a small ripped piece of looseleaf—familiar handwriting scrawled on it. Junhyung’s eyes easily read the few words written. He reads the few words and can’t feel his body as it backs up forcefully against the lockers, sliding down until he reaches the floor. He leans over and puts his face in his hands, the note lying beside him on the ground.

          He doesn’t know how the he’s supposed to make it home.

          It’s hard to stand when there are a thousand shards of ice in your heart.