If someone had asked Dongwoo to describe Hoya in that first month he had known him, he might have said something like this:

Hoya was a simple guy; not prone to grand emotions or over-reactions. Just a calm, simple guy who loved to dance. If pressed, Dongwoo might have added that, yes, Hoya didn’t really start conversations freely or join in with laughter or really give much of himself at all.

But it wasn’t really all that unexpected, Dongwoo would have insisted. Clearly Hoya didn’t have the naturally outgoing personality of someone like Woohyun; he was quieter and shyer and of course it was going to take him a while to relax around them.

And then there was the fact that he came from Busan. Not only did he not know anyone in Seoul apart from the other members of their group, but the company had told him to lose the satori quickly or risk losing his position in the band.

Dongwoo had caught the boy practicing his Korean one night after everybody else had gone to sleep and the frustration in his voice as he messed up time and time again had been clear. All things considered, it didn’t surprise Dongwoo if Hoya might have wanted to speak as little as possible.

As for the fact that he chose to go to the training rooms and dance during their time off rather than join the rest of them in whatever time wasting activity they were beginning, well how could you fault someone for being committed? It was why Hoya had moved all the way to Seoul in the first place; to be a performer. Dongwoo thought he could understand that need to find perfection before debut. That need for Hoya to prove, perhaps, that shifting his entire life had been worth it.

All in all, there was nothing weird or different or surprising about Hoya at all. Nothing that couldn’t be explained. And they all knew, because they had talked about it some nights when Hoya had been off practicing and the rest of them had felt a little guilty for letting him go alone, that it would just take some time before that slight awkwardness around them all faded away and Hoya relaxed.

It would only take time.

If Dongwoo had been more observant, perhaps he might have realised that their time together so far hadn’t so much caused Hoya to relax around them, as it had caused them to become accustomed to the way Hoya just was.

Which is maybe why it was so easy to overlook all those little things which had pointed to something much bigger all along. So easy to simply go on through life none the wiser for such a long time.

In fact, later, Dongwoo would wonder whether if they had allowed time to go on unchallenged for much longer they might have missed even the bigger clues and found a way to explain those away as well.

‘Oh, it’s just Hoya.’ They might have said. ‘That’s just the way he is. That stiff demeanor and standoffishness and the look in his eyes…The panic attacks, and sudden nausea…Yeah, that’s just Hoya…’

Later, that thought would scare Dongwoo.

The thought that they might not have even noticed.

But they did notice and it was all because of the birthday cake and Dongwoo guessed that that was where his true understanding of Hoya had really begun…

*****

Hoya’s birthday was in March.

It had taken a long time to find that out – just like it had taken a long time to find out what Hoya’s real name was, or whether Hoya had any brothers or sisters – but they had found it out and that was the point.

It was Sunggyu’s idea to have a surprise party in the dorm.

“He’ll be nineteen.” Sunggyu said, smiling as they clustered around the computer to order a birthday cake for the next day. “Still just a kid...”

It was one of those things; the wish to protect and care for the younger ones…even if Hoya showed no signs of needing it. He was still young and younger than both Sunggyu and Dongwoo and the fact that he was so stiff and solemn only made them a little more fond of him. In that way that those slightly odd people can be endearing just as a result of their difference.

“Cheesecake, cheesecake!” Woohyun said quickly, already pointing dramatically at the screen. “Definitely, that one!”

“Ok. That one it is.” Sunggyu paid for the purchase and organized the delivery while the rest of them started to write a list of things they would need to buy to decorate the house. Sungyeol wanted blue streamers, Woohyun wanted pink. Dongwoo didn’t know if he could be bothered raising his voice to remind them that they could always get both.

“Hoya likes purple though.” Myungsoo cut in suddenly, loud enough for the others to shut up.

“How do you know that?” Sunggyu piped up from over by the computer. “I don’t remember him ever saying anything?”

Myungsoo shrugged. “His things are purple.”

“What things?” Dongwoo asked, drawn into the conversation despite himself. From what he’d seen all of Hoya’s things were pretty standard; a black dance bag, white sneakers, various t-shirts. Nothing overly bright, nothing that stood out.

“In his bedside draw, in his suitcase.”

“You’ve been going through his stuff?” Sungjong asked with a frown.

Myungsoo rolled his eyes. “When Sunggyu hyung asked me to find a spare set of sneakers that day. You remember.”

Dongwoo nodded. He did.

“He’s got a purple backpack, purple phone case, purple pen, purple wallet…”

“Well, why doesn’t he use any of it then?” Sungyeol sounded confused. “I mean why have it if you don’t even use it?”

Woohyun was writing the word ‘purple’ down on the sheet of paper. “It’s not the manliest colour, though, is it?” He said suddenly. “Do you really think we should decorate in purple?”

“You wanted pink a minute ago.” Sunggyu pointed out bluntly and turned back to the computer.

It was a good thing that Hoya wasn’t around, Dongwoo thought vaguely, as an argument broke out over the masculine merits of the colour pink; there was no way they could have solved this all quietly.

Luckily, by the time Hoya arrived back at the dorm, the computer was off again and the sheet of paper carefully stowed away inside Woohyun’s shoe. Dongwoo didn’t have any opinion about the sense in using Woohyun’s shoe as a hiding place. Mostly he just went with the flow. Even if the flow was stupid.

Dongwoo watched Hoya enter the room from the couch, where he was sitting watching late reruns of Star King. He really should have been in bed but he didn’t like to go to sleep without knowing all of the members were back safely.

Hoya spared him a brief wave and then stepped carefully over Sungyeol, who had fallen asleep on the floor by the hallway.

Dongwoo watched Hoya pause briefly by the sleeping boy and begin to reach for a blanket folded on the back of a nearby chair. Then, just as suddenly as he had reached out, he drew his hand back and walked on towards the room he shared with Sungjong.

Dongwoo heard the door close quietly.

He got up and laid the blanket over the shivering boy on the floor, trying not to wonder why Hoya hadn’t…

*****

The next day everyone was a bit excited.

It was funny how something as small as a birthday party could make them so jittery. Even the vocal coach noticed it, but didn’t comment.

Hoya must have noticed too, but he didn’t say anything. He probably thought they were all a bit mad anyway, Dongwoo figured. After all, wasn’t it only two days before that he had caught Dongwoo talking to his pet rock? That had been a bit embarrassing.

As they walked back to the van that afternoon the anticipation was rising. Hoya, as expected, had opted to stay behind and rehearse his vocals. Which gave them around three hours to prepare.

“He’s such a quiet guy,” Sunggyu said distractedly as they pulled into the driveway of their dorm, “I just want to make sure he knows we care about him.”

“Yeah.” Dongwoo replied, wondering whether Hoya felt upset that none of them had supposedly remembered his birthday. He hadn’t given any sign that he minded at all. Maybe Hoya’s family weren’t big on birthdays…

“Hey. Has he gotten any phone calls?” Woohyun broke in, leaning over the seat to join the conversation. “You know, from home?”

“I don’t know.” Dongwoo said slowly. “Maybe they’ll ring tonight.”

“It must be hard,” Sunggyu said, as they climbed out of the van and headed up to the dorm, “being so far from home. So far from your family. And then having to change the way he talks, having to go by a stage name…must be hard for him.”

 “It’s like joining Infinite is forcing him to erase his entire life before now.” Myungsoo spoke up from behind them. Dongwoo wished that he hadn’t. Thinking of it like that just seemed sad. Especially on Hoya’s birthday.

“Let’s just make the dorm amazing.” Sunggyu said bracingly, leading the way inside.

The cake looked brilliant when it arrived and the dorm looked…very purple. But in a good way. It was festive looking and bright and Woohyun had outdone himself hanging baubles everywhere. He’d even insisted that they each write a message on one.

Dongwoo sat for a long moment trying to decide what to write. Finally he set the black felt tip pen to the plastic and wrote:

We love you, Hoya. Always be yourself.

It sounded cheap, but he meant it.

When the manager texted to say that he was pulling into the drive with Hoya on board, Sungjong and Sungyeol quickly set the cake up on a small table in direct view from the doorway and surrounded it with fresh fruit, before they flicked off the lights and ran to hide behind the couch.

Dongwoo could hear Sungyeol’s excited, heavy breathing beside his ear but didn’t have the heart to tell the boy to shut up; even he could feel the adrenaline inside.

When the door cracked open, he poised himself to spring. There was a momentary fumbling for the light switch before the room was bathed in light and in that instance the six of them sprang up with a loud cry of: “Surprise!”

And Hoya did look surprised. He blinked around at them all as they laughed and called out birthday greetings and bounced around the room. Dongwoo watched as he took in the purple decorations and the cake on the table and the smiles on all of their faces and it was hard to tell how Hoya was feeling because he didn’t show his emotions often, but Dongwoo was sure his mouth was just beginning to curl up into the first smile he had ever shown them, when everything went horribly wrong.

Just as the corner of Hoya’s lip began to twitch, Woohyun bounded forward and flung his arms around Hoya’s neck with a loud cry of “Happy Birthday!”

And in the next moment Woohyun had been thrown across the room, right into the table loaded with cake and other food. The crack that the table made as it broke, and the thud of Woohyun’s head hitting the floor hard, were deafening.

But somehow Hoya’s rapid, panicked breathing was even louder.

His eyes were wide and scared and the rise and fall of his chest was becoming faster and faster and Dongwoo realised, quite suddenly, that Hoya was hyperventilating.

“I’m s-sorry.” Hoya stuttered out before anyone else could say anything, and then he was hurtling for the bathroom, the door slamming loudly behind him.

And that was the moment.

As they picked a stunned Woohyun up off the floor and wiped the blood from the side of his head and took in the wreck of the cake on the ground.

That was the moment when Dongwoo finally started to actually pay attention. Finally began to try and piece the clues together.

Finally realised that there was something wrong with Hoya.