Hearing the sound of the birds happily chirping outside my window made me open my eyes. As I look at the empty space beside me, unwanted tears came out from my eyes. I look so disastrous. Not wanting to move or to stand up, I just lay down still on my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling, where I can see a beautiful masterpiece. It was a beautiful drawing of us.

 

But where are you now darling?

 

From silent tears turn into hard sobs. This is my daily routine since he left me. It’s been 6 months, and yet, I can’t still move on. It’s hard to move on and I guess, I will never move on. Everywhere I turn, I can see his beautiful face. All the things I see inside the room, reminds me of him. Everything… Just everything.. Reminds me of him.. I see him… But can’t hold him physically.

 

Turning to my right side, I saw the unique picture frame Jinki made at the top of the side table. It contains two pictures with a very unique design around it. The first photo was our first picture on our first date. We both look so young and carefree. The second photo is the last photo we took before he left me. Looking at our photo, I can’t help not to burst into tears.

 

That moment was just so magically. My dream candle light dinner at a garden surrounded by carnation roses and heart-warming lights. After eating our dinner, he led me in the end of the garden where I can see beautifully the ocean. We even lighted our floating lantern. Hugging each other while watching it flying up in the sky. Saying sweet things to each other that I never heard before. It was almost perfect.

 

Until the next day….

 

I woke up with no one beside me. I tried to call out his name but I got no response. I texted and called him but he left his phone. I tried reaching his family and friends too but they don’t even have a single clue where he went. My heart was crashed into tiny little pieces. I broke down. All throughout the day I waited for him outside our apartment. Hoping anytime he will come home and say he’s sorry for leaving me without a word because he has some errands to do. He will then comfort me with his hugs and kisses and he’ll sing for me.

 

But days turn into weeks that turn into months. And still, no one came home. Not even his shadow, he never came back. Lee Jinki, the man that I loved for 6 years disappeared like a bubble. Left me for unknown reason.

 

I miss him.. So badly.. I miss the way he hugs me from the back. His ticklish kisses yet addictive. His soothing voice that makes me calm whenever I’m stress from work. And mostly, the way he says how much he loves me.

 

But if he loves me, why did he leave me without a single word?

 

Slowly standing up from my bed with a shaky legs and blurry eyes, I went to our walk in closet. Slowly touching each clothes of him until I saw his favorite shirt. Getting it slowly, tears keep on rushing down my cheeks. I hug it like it was him. His scent still lingers on it. Uncontrollable tears and pain that slowly made me weak and fell down on my knees. It hurts. It really hurts.. So.. So.. Much…

 

“Ji-jin-ki… C-com-come.. bac-k… Ple-pleas-e..” I mumbled between my cries.

 

The pain I always feel never disappeared. It grew more and more each day. It’s so painful that no words I can describe it. My heart and so myself is into tiny little pieces and can never get back together until he shows up again.

 

“Please…. Please… Please Jinki… Come back home…. I miss you.. So badly.. I need you… I can’t live without you… You promised to be with me forever right? Jinki… Please.. Go home… I promise I won’t be mad and question you why did you left me.. Just please come back.. Jinki… I love you… So.. so.. much.. Baby.. please… Where are you now?..” I said as I catch my breath. Saying it out loud as if he could hear me.. Oh how wish he could.

 

Scanning his things, I noticed a box I’ve never seen before. Reaching for it, it was a box simply covered in newspaper and colored into something that made the box looks so old. Opening it, I saw a pile of printed pictures, stolen ones of me with him and letters. Each picture has a message at the back. Picking up a random one, I saw a picture of me sleeping in his arms while he is smiling so beautifully. I flip it to the other side to see what was written on it.

 

                                                                                                                                                5/14/2013

“My beautiful angel sleeping peaceful like a baby in my arms. If God will let me, I want her to be the mother of my child.. I hope so.”

 

Scanning more pictures, a little upward curve form in my lips but his messages made me confuse. He surely hides something. Rummaging more things inside the box, a cd caught my attention that has a labeled, “For my one and only princess.” I hurriedly went back to our room and insert it on our dvd player. At first, I thought it was just a voice recorded but it was a video. Still holding his shirt, I sat on the floor and with shaky and nervous hand, I click the play button.

 

“Ah.. Is this okay now? Ah Yea.. *clears throat* Hi baby! I recorded this while you are still sleeping upstairs. I know you were probably tired from my surprise to you. I hope you like it though. But probably, you will able to watch this when.. I’m.. gone..” I bit my lips to control the tears that want to fall out like how falls fall. “First of all, thank you for accepting me in your life. You don’t know how much you made me the happiest man. How great impact you are in my life. You know I love you so much and I know too that.. You love me back.. I always feel my butterflies in my stomach go wild when you are always with me. After watching these please go inside our walk-in closet and open the last cabinet there! It’s my final surprise for you! Thank you for loving me so dearly. For laughing my corny jokes.. For appreciating my works when no one does.. For cheering me up when my boss scolds me for my lame works. Your sweet kisses each morning when I wake up.. Your heart warming hugs each time I go home from work. For taking care of me every now and then..” Still trying to hold back my tears while watching him gleefully talk in the video but when he started to sob a little, I burst out. Again. “Just thinking about leaving you makes my heart so sad and makes me weak.  More weaker. You’re the reason why every day I try to fight and wake up in the morning. Who wouldn’t when you know there’s a lovely angel that I love and loves me back right? But this morning, when you wake up, you won’t see me now. I will be gone.. For good. I don’t want to be a burden to you so I guess, this is just the most ideal thing I will do. But please sweety, don’t think that I don’t love you anymore. I do. And I will always love you. I have to leave you because I love you to this extent. Soon enough, you will what is my reason and I hope you will understand it.” He started to cry and so I was.. Crying so hard.. “I love you so much baby. I love you. I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.. Please forgive me… I will come back if I can but please, live happily without me. Don’t torture yourself. Please take care of yourself like you take care of me. I love you baby. Very much. Goodbye.”

 

After watching it, it just made me wonder why he left me. But seeing his beautiful face again, it made my heart beats fast again. The longing I’ve been holding for months grew more. I don’t know what to do anymore. Remembering the last cabinet he said, I went back on our closet on open the last cabinet. There’s a large box inside it covered in white cloth. I open it and saw it our all of our pictures together we took and made into a bigger one. Making my heart cries for him more.

 

“Jinki…. Jinki…” mumbling his name while staring at the large picture frame he made.

 

Jinki where are you? Come back now please..