Masochism. 

That could be one way to describe it.

Sadism? That is beyond me. I can't stand the sight of inflicting pain upon others.. but if it's me.. let's just say I'm giving myself a bitter smile right about now. Inflicting piles and piles of self hatred and mental damage is something I yearn for and have been for awhile now. It's really nothing surprising or new, it was just how I soon shaped myself to be.

Love and companionship was something I slowly started pushing away. I'm always teased, poked, and insulted at all for the sakes of fun for them and supposedly for me. And not only is it with the 'friends' I have, but it follows me wherever I go. Once it had gotten pretty bad to myself and I had moved, but that was when I was 7. I'm 17 now. People still treat me the same. As if I'm a friend that can take playful insults, teases, pokes, everything. Everything that hurts when it shouldn't and I shouldn't be taking it seriously. But I do. And I do hurt. I do take it in. I have feelings. I'm a human being too. So why am I treated like this?

Growing up, I thought it was something everyone went through in order to fit in, but as I grew older I see so many other people. Many other people that just smile and it gets the crowd wowing at them. Smiling and talking with no insults, no over the line jokes that can hurt a person's feelings and they're even closer than me and my so-called friends. I realized this and that was when I started pushing them away. It was when I started pushing everything warm and love-y feeling away from me because I deluded myself to believe it was fake. It wasn't real. I always told myself this and it became reality. 

Now don't get me wrong. I still smile, show affection and emotion when I converse with other people. I live life normally, but it's not even half of the real me. As people laugh and poke at me yelling 'Haha~ Bad Luck Yeollie strikes again!!~' I laugh and push at them to stop playfully but internally I just want to crawl up in a ball, cry, and die. Like any other normal person I push that feeling away, but unlike any other person I push it away and bottle it up so that I can release it later. It's that grasp for sadness concept. I figured this out about myself. I realized that I yearned for this feeling. This feeling of sadness swells up inside me and can't wait to burst one day when I can't breath any longer. 

I just can't help but yearn and love that feeling of a chest wrenching, urge of tears crying feeling. It's masochistic. 

I, Lee Sungyeol, am masochistic and I admit it. 

Overtime, I've learned to accept these concepts of mine. Well... maybe I am a loser, a so called 'genius', a magnet to bad luck. Maybe I am a even though I'm not a female; stupid, idiotic, ugly, fat, and awkward in everyway. I applied every aspect of mine and twisted it in order to make it fit. I knew everything I thought was wrong. I knew I was smart, I was intelligent, skinny, thin, beautiful, and everything else, but at this time I still wondered why I grasped onto this so called feeling of sadness. I held onto it like a little kid and his blanket. 

It was life support. My life support. The only thing that became closest to the feeling of emotion. I honestly still do wonder why I hold onto my life support called grief. It most certainly isn't my only reason; for there could be many. 

I loved it. 

"Hey Yeol." 

I turn around at the voice of a familiar person. All of a sudden he held a malicious, naughty smirk plastered onto his face. "Catch me if you can." He grabbed my backpack that was nestled on the floor and ran. Running around campus, I wasn't one to be all too athletic and I couldn't even catch up to his fast legs not even halfway through the campus. I gave up and panted, knowing that he will give it back sooner or later. What would he want to do with my filthy stuff?

"Oh come on, Yeol! You know I just be kidding you." He punched my arm to give it more of a fun 'effect'.

Yeah, right. I give a small smile anyway. "Yeah." It was all I could manage to say in order to not break out in anger, frustration, or sadness. 

Was this bullying? Was it a formal act of bullying by my so called friend? Should I have told him to stop and that it hurt? That it bothered me to the max? Should I have just left this person so many years ago when I first met them?

Well it was too late now. I cherished this person too much to let go. 

I always get too attached. And that's one thing about myself that I hate the most. 

Eventually I came across the forbidden thought. Hah. So much for forbidden. I couldn't take it. I really wanted to so badly but I just.. I was scared. 

Blade across skin. It just feels so livid and pleasant just hearing it, but I was scared. I wanted pain, yet I was scared of it. Just please someone tell me to do something that I can actually do right. I couldn't succeed in life and I couldn't succeed in ending it either. What worth did I hold? 

So many people have it so much worse than I do. It makes me stop and think that maybe I should finally get my head out of the gutter.. but just because of the thought that I actually even stooped so low to even think of such a trivial thought of suicide. It made me want to end myself even more. It made me feel ashamed to even live. The fact that I thought of killing myself even when there are people in a much worse condition than I am.

But then I realized something else. If they were in my shoes... my mind; they'd probably think the exact same way. So there's no stopping it. 

My self-esteem and confidence is so low. I mean who can I blame? I accepted these terms that weren't real and twisted them to be 'real'. But not only was I twisting myself for these things to be real, I actually insulted myself often which was another stepping stone into believing that what wasn't true.. was true. 

You're useless to the world.

You can't do . 

Trash to the curb; it's what you are. What you live for. Don't deny it.

No one likes you, you old fat tard. 

Everyone hates you. You know it too. Look at how they tease you. Insult you. Stop denying everything.

You should just disappear. 

I believe this is all the work of my sub-conscious and paranoia, but it does its job pretty well. I smile at myself thinking about this and maybe Sigmund Freud was right. All human behavior was motivated by unconscious forces. Maybe his is more about drive, but just the overall aspect of the idea. My behavior is motivated by my subconscious and I find that close enough to proving his theory right. 

Closing it up, I drive myself to be a failure in life. I am the main reason I can't function properly and happily; the reason I yearn for sadness so badly. I am the reason I am put down so much. The reason my confidence is pummeled to the floor one thousand times over. 

I really should just kill myself.

A/N:I'm sorry it's pretty depressing... o-o;; I might revamp this later on.