Friendship or Couple’s relationship. But ours was better; at least, that’s what I know.

Why does in a relationship, one falls out of love?

Is it safer to say that ‘we just don’t fit for each other?’ or ‘it’s better this way?’

At some point, I wished he never knew, but how can I keep a secret from a person that can read me like an open book and can always see through my eyes? Every single day I get more dumper and number.

I’m his friend. It hurts.

He’s taken. It hurts.

He knows I love him. It hurts.

Baekhyun, it hurts, a lot.

“Have you heard the news?” he asked.

“What news?” I said and cocked my head to see his face.

“That… You’re already in love with me.” He said.

I looked at him; my mind went to a total black out. “You wished.” I tried to stay calm and compose.

He didn’t speak for a moment, “You know that you’re my friend?” He asked and throws his arm around me. “If ever, we will never work.”

Never.

Never.

Never.

How can he just spat those words in my face when he knew? “Don’t boast your ego too much.” I said and smirked. I heard the bell rung and started to strut going to the class room. I held my head high, holding back the tears. “Please not here.” I murmured to myself.

“We won’t happen.” I heard him; it was loud enough for me to hear.

Baekhyun has been my friend for almost five years or so? I don’t remember. I was very happy to keep him just for me, I know I’m selfish. Not when Hyo ri happen. His attention been divided, I should be happy right? But no, he divided it not equally; more time with her and rather no time with me. Ever since they started dating he totally forgot about me. We used to have this so called “Crazy night” when we would just go out, watch movies, creeping on others’ lives, pranking on some of our friends and would bicker for hours and throwing nonsense insults at each other’s’ face.

But everything stopped - communications, hang-outs and crazy nights. I barely see him at school and when I did visit him at his apartment, it was either he’s not home or about to go out with Hyo ri. When I saw him walking with her and me walking with my friends, we just exchange glances and that’s all. He excluded me from his life just for her. Why her? What does she have that I don’t?

I was so pathetic that I even taught of killing myself to know whether he still cares for me or he just forgot about me, totally.

“Hey!” I whispered when I saw him at the library working on some of his assignment. “Finally, it’s very hard to have an appointment with my buddy.” I joked and we both chuckled. “I thought you forgot about me.” I sighed and rested my arms on the desk.

“Huh? Why would I?” He tuned to look at me and flashed his smile. Oh those smile, I miss them. His eyes, everything about him, I missed.

“Because… you already got yourself a girlfriend.” As much as I don’t want to say it, I had to

“You should get yourself one too!” he said and focused on his books.

“Byun Baekhyun, I’m not a lesbian. Why would I get myself a girlfriend?” I know his point but I just want to loosen up the tension.

“A boyfriend!  You brat.” He said and I chuckled. We’re back on track.

“You know who I love, right?” I retorted and studied the side frame of his face. Those lips, I just wanted to kiss them right now.

“Eunji, you kno-“

“You know what, it’s already time.” I faked a smile and looked at my wrist watch. “Better get going. Mr. Nam hate late. See you around.” I walked as fast as I could. I don’t want to hear him reject me; I’m not yet ready to hear those words. It’s enough that I know he can’t return my love, that’s all, for now.

A couple of weeks had passed without seeing Baekhyun around. I know and I can tell it that he was avoiding me. That smartass boy, I missed his presence. Even though we did nothing but to do nonsense things.

I was at my apartment near the school when he texted me. I sighed; for once he took the initiative to contact me.

From: Bacon

You busy? I missed our crazy nights. T.T

To: Me

From: Me

Nope. Wanna go out?

To: Bacon

From: Bacon

Sure. Let’s meet at the Froyo parlor?

To: Me

From: Me

Okay. Be there in 10. ^^

To: Bacon

After eating at the Froyo parlor, we went on strolling down town doing our same old routine. It was quarter to ten when we decided to seat at the deserted playground, where we used to talk and play, and have a break from walking.

“I had fun.” I said and sat at the swing. Baekhyun went on and occupied the other swing.

“Yeah. Me too.” He answered.

“We haven’t done this since forever.” I said.

“Your metaphor is so exaggerated.” He said. I locked eyes with him and within seconds we both laughed.

“We should really do this more often.” I told him and started swinging myself.

“About that… Eunji. We should stop seeing each other.” He said and everything went on silent. Like I’ve lost my sense of hearing.

 “W-what?” I said. “I think I heard you wrong.”

“We should stop seeing each other.”

“You’re speaking like we’re doing something wrong.” I faked a laugh.

“You’re not but I am.” He paused. “I’m hurting the most special girl in my life.”

“Baekhyun-“

“You’re special to me.” He said and stood up. I’m special to him? “And I can’t stand hurting my friend.” I’m special because I’m his friend.

“Bull Baekhyun! Why can’t you just stop labelling me as your friend?” And that’s when I started crying.

“Because I can’t see you more than that.”

“But I love you more than you can imagine!”

“But I can’t love you back.”

That was it. That was all it takes. Why do I have to fall for a person that I knew can’t love me back? I should’ve save myself earlier than let myself to drown in this unbounded love.

“I don’t care. Just let me love you.” I almost pleaded.

He didn’t answer me; he just started walking towards my direction. He bent down to my eye level and wiped my tears away. “You don’t deserve me.”

I leaned as I stared at his perfect face, I cupped his cheeks. “Please?” He just stayed quiet and I came closer to kiss him.

We went back to normal, friends, but lesser communication. It’s funny though; we stayed friends even if he knows I love him more than friends and me knowing he can’t love me back.

“Why are you here?” He asked.

“Am I not allowed here anymore?” I said and pouted. “Okay, I’ll just go now.” and was about to go.

“No. Wait-“

“No?” I stopped as I wear me shoes.

“I mean, I didn’t expect you to be here.” He retorted.

I went back to his kitchen and started doing my business. “I’m here because, apparently, your girlfriend isn’t here to cook for you and you’re sick.”

“She can’t come, she’s busy.”

“I told you that I can be your second girlfriend.” It hurts to utter those words just to feed my own fantasy.

“Eunji.”

“Yeah! I get it. I get it. I was just joking. Don’t take it seriously.”

“You’re being a jealous brat.”

“It’s because I love you.”

Why can’t we just pick to love the person that can love us back? Why can’t we stop loving that person knowing he’ll hurt us in the end? And why is it easy to tell our self that we can live our life without them but hard to do? I tried. I did. But eventually I stopped because I can’t.

“Baekhyun-ah”

“Hey. Eunmi.  Do you an ice pack?”

“Are you drunk?” I asked and helped him to go inside my house. He made an imaginary space between his thumb and index finger and mouthed “A little.”

“She broke up with me.” He stated before I let him lie on the couch. I went to the kitchen sink and grab warm water and face towel.

I sat on the floor and begun his flustered face with the towel. “You should’ve just love me back.” I stared at his face and tears started to crept on my face, I realized how dumb I am to love a person like him. “Stupid.” He started murmuring something but I can’t understand.

“Hyo ri, I love you.” He stated clearly this time. I held my mouth to hold back my loud sob. Why can’t it be me? “Hyo ri.” He said again and started to back away when he held my wrist. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.” I answered even though he wasn’t referring to me.

 I came closer to his face and started kissing him. Just let me be selfish, just this once. I lost control when he started responding to the kiss. I thought he was sleeping but he started undressing me. I didn’t mind, I was willing to give him everything, everything just to please him. It went all night. As he passed out beside me, I started to cry even harder.

I looked at the sleeping figure beside me. “Why can’t it be me?”

I dressed myself and started packing some of my important stuffs and left a note.

I’m granting your wish. Goodbye Byun Baekhyun. I love you and I will miss you.

-Han Eunji

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