It's nearly midnight and the snow is coming down harder now. Minseok had stayed outside near the Gangnam train station, waiting for Yifan to come. But by now, he understands he's been stood up. He'd realized it hours ago, when the notion hit that maybe he was just one good . He'd gotten attached too quickly and his heart was in it too much. The cold had begun to seep through his bone, sending prickling ice through his veins. His heart feels like it's being wrung, and even hugging his scarf tighter around his neck makes him feel just as cold. 

And even though he'd realized it hours ago, he couldn't make himself leave. He's hopeless, he thinks bitterly, shuffling in front of a late night coffee shop. There's not much time since the last train to Seoul is heading out soon. Yet with his hand pressed against the cold glass, he can still hear the tinkling of laughter that warms his bones, even more than the coffee he's shared there. There's an ache in his chest as he wanders towards the train station, still feeling the warmth of a hand in his and laughter bubbling in the cold winter air. 

It was just a year ago, but the memories are still so raw. Minseok attempts to choke down a sob. 

It's nearly midnight and the train will be coming soon, and as he's about to enter the train station, he finds himself frozen in place, heart stuttering in his chest. 

There is Joonmyun, pressed against the entranced with his hands shoved in his pockets and blowing out puffs of white into the frigid air. 

Minseok could just avoid him, ignore the pain wrapping suffocating hands around his throat and walk right through the doors. He could then keep his facade until he made it home, then allow himself the luxury to even think of his ex. Has he been well? Did he last? Does his heart hurt just as much?

But he's curious. Maybe his heart's still too attached. 

Joonmyun waves him over, chapped lips pulling into a soft smile. "Long time no see," he says, teeth chattering in the cold. 

"Yeah," Minseok replies, letting out a nervous laugh. "How've you been?"

Joonmyun looks around nervously. "Good. I've been well."

"That's good." Yet Minseok can still tell when the things Joonmyun tells him are only half-truths. 

Their conversation settles down quickly, a stale, awkward silence sits between them, and Minseok is about to make the excuse that his train is going to leave soon when Joonmyun grabs his wrist. 

"I know this may be incredibly selfish and stupid," Joonmyun pauses, taking a deep breath and his dry lips, "but would you go on a date with me?"

And Minseok thinks he should say no. He should definitely say no because it's been a year and he's still not fully okay. There are still cracks in his heart, and his attempt to find anyone else has amounted to failure. It would be stupid of him to say yes, to let himself be happy this way when he knows it'll all come to an end soon, and he'll be even more broken than before. But he's still a little selfish too. 

He smiles softly, wiping the snowflakes caught in his eyelashes. "Sure," he says, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and following Joonmyun towards the late night coffee shop. 

The ache sinks in his chest, burrowing deep into his bones and leaving him breathless. They used to walk the same street hands intertwined and shoulders bumping against one another. They'd be satisfied so easily just being in each other's arms, speaking only occasionally if they really needed too. But things were comfortably quiet. He'd smile at Joonmyun, and Joonmyun would just barely flush in his cheeks before averting his gaze. 

But by the time they've settled down in the cafe, coffee steaming and warm in front of them, they've found a relatively happy medium to talk through. Joonmyun tells of his recent business trip to Jeju and the kids he watched play soccer in the park the other day. His eyes shine like the snowflakes falling outside and even Minseok lets himself laugh and smile. The ache in his cheeks becomes familiar from the laughter, the familiar tug of his sleeves as he pulls them down over his fists shyly becomes comforting. He takes fast sips of his hot coffee, burning his tongue as he tries to quickly hide his reddening cheeks. 

"And then, Baekhyun had to shove his pride down his throat and dress up as Snow White the entire day because of the drunken bet he lost," Joonmyun says, eyes disappearing with his smile as his boisterous laughter filters through Minseok's frozen bones and cold veins. His heart is beating erratically in his chest, like butterflies pounding against his ribcage, threatening to fly away. 

"Baekhyun could never," Minseok replies, biting down on his lip. His heart is fluttering in his chest and it's getting a little hard to breathe. He burns his tongue again as he tries to stomach his coffee. 

Joonmyun gets the excited glint in his eyes, the same Minseok's seen when he'd been promoted and when they'd had for the first time- he's seen it so many times for the past five years they've dated and it hurts now that no matter how broken Minseok feels- is- Joonmyun is still okay. 

"But he did! He was so beautiful though, I couldn't believe it myself," Joonmyun sighs, leaning back into his chair and finishing the rest of his coffee. Minseok looks down at his and realizes that he hasn't been able to stomach a lot. His stomach has been doing somersaults since they'd entered the shop. 

Joonmyun sighs contentedly, meeting Minseok's gaze- and Minseok isn't too sure what he sees in Joonmyun's eyes, but it looks a lot like guilt and pity. 

"How have you been?" he asks gently, turning his coffee cup in circles. The grating sound of porcelain rubbing on the table makes Minseok cringe a bit. But what hurts more is the boulder that's been dropped into the pit of his stomach.

"I've been… okay," he lies, trying to look Joonmyun in the eye because they've known each other for so long that his ex understands that averting his gaze means he's lying. It's still so easy to read each other, even though things have changed so drastically. "Work is okay, and I'm getting along just fine."

But the truth is that he isn't. He'd been so listless for months after Joonmyun had broken up with him. He'd found the cold sheets of his bed to provide him with a cold comfort for his erratic sobs than to keep him warm through the winter. Every inch of his house reminded him of the way Joonmyun had so easily integrated himself into his life. There was the food Joonmyun still had packed in his fridge for him to cook dinner the next time he came over, his clothes were strewn all over the house, his picture framed up on the walls, even the ing bed was an IKEA build it yourself and every day, Minseok would be reminded that his five year relationship meant nearly nothing. That his heart was so beyond broken, that maybe it could never be fully fixed again. 

But Joonmyun looks fine. He's still happy and his smile hasn't even changed in the slightest, and Minseok is so, so bitter over that fact. He's still stuck in occasional whirlpools of anxiety at night and Joonmyun seems to be sailing the surface of the water with ease. 

It may hurt him even more, but Minseok just has to ask. "How have you and Yixing been?"

"Good, we've been well," he mutters, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. "Yixing was in Seoul for the weekend and he was supposed to come back today so I waited, but it turns out his train was stopped because of the snow."

And if Minseok could, he'd run away. He'd sprint for the door and run back home to hide himself underneath the covers and make himself feel as small as possible. Because things are still okay for Joonmyun, and they'd never be the same for him. And life just seems to be so, so unfair. 

It's long past midnight, the last train had left and now Minseok's only hopes of getting back is through the next bus in a few hours. The harsh, winter wind easily seeps through his jacket again, making him shiver under its frigid touch and turning his feet to leaden ice blocks. It's so hard to move forward he things, dragging his feet along the snow as he walks Joonmyun back to his car. He'll have to find some way to get over this again. 

But even if just for one night, he'd found himself happy again. He'd smiled and he'd almost forgotten about the cold. He'd felt the same nervous jitter of butterflies in his stomach, even if they all were beating against him with torn wings. So maybe it was just a little bit worth it to hurt himself more, just to experience happiness that he hasn't felt in a while. 

"I'll be going," Joonmyun says, looking away shyly as he holds his hand out for a handshake. But Minseok doesn't listen (his heart's the one not listening) and envelops Joonmyun in a hug instead. His heart is urging him to kiss him- the butterflies are pounding against his chest to just do it, but his head is frozen and heavy and he just can't bring himself to do it- to try to bring Joonmyun back into his life again. 

"Bye," he whispers, as Joonmyun gets into his car and drives off. Minseok watches until he turns the corner and disappears from sight, and then he watches for a few moments more and the warmth is zapped from his body and he feels frigid, like ice cold water had been dunked over his body.

It's long past midnight when the bus for Seoul starts to leave, and the warmth that he'd had feels too unrealistic, like a haunting dream, and now his heart has more cracks and faults than where it was before. But he'd smiled and laughed and tugged at his sleeves and felt the beating of his heart again and maybe, when he's found love again, he'll be able to be fixed.

A/N: omg thank you all for waiting ;3; I've been working on another big fic and i didn't have time to get around to posting this. but now that that's done i am freeeee~~~~ so thanks for reading and let me know what you think!