a/n: have fun and i hope you'll be happy with this because it won't get better the more chapters i will add. haha.

thank you for reading!

(when i wrote this i cried. like really. i don't even know why i make Myungsoo suffer that much. i'm sorry. forgive me. and if you don't like it ... i'm still sorry. OTL.)

(this is half as long as the YeolJong chapter. i'm sorry. and for all those who don't know why i add this: it's basically to reason out why Myungsoo is the he is.)

(and sorry for the long wait.)

enjoy.

---

 

 

It was no secret that Myungsoo was loved by everyone. Or almost everyone. But the thing was - he always got what he wanted. Since his mother married Sungyeol's father everything became easier. That was what other people thought. Even Myungsoo himself.

"Why can't you kiss me?"

The question hung in the room, his thoughts filled with Sungyeol and only Sungyeol. He fell too hard for his step-brother.

"What do I need to make you mine?"

Myungsoo lied on the bed. Everything smelled of Soju and his head hurt.

"That bastard really punched my beautiful face."

A bitter laugh escaped his mouth. What did he even expect? That Sungyeol would return his feelings? As if!

"What should I do now? The maids aren't here for a week."

He didn't made any attempt to stand up, he wouldn't need to work anyway and he knew Sungyeol would not come back to him.

"I'm really ed up."

He laughed again. His life was full of . Literally.

-

"Myungyoo darling, come here."

He knew that voice. And that sound. He was in deep trouble.

"How do you explain Sungyeol not coming home?"

Probably their father (finally) notice it too after two weeks.

"I don't know." he answered his mother honestly because he really didn't know. But he had a feeling it was mainly because of him.

His mother  smiled, but it wasn't a smile a kid would want to see his mother with. "You better explain or you know what will happen." she threatened.

He gulped down the lump is throat but it seemed as if it wouldn't go away anytime soon.

"He said he would be moving out I think? I don't really know. It was when we discussed the business a few weeks ago with father."

He didn't stutter. His mother didn't have the right to get what she wanted.

"Ah, I see. Then," she paused and her face fell and she looked unpleased, ", get him back. Or it was the last time I will call you my son." After the words were said, she was gone. She exited right away, there wasn't any need to talk to her son more than necessary.

Tears flowed. And it did hurt. And he didn't want her words to affect him but it was useless. He always couldn't cope with his mother's hate towards him.

"I can't even blame Sungyeol. If I were him I would've gone earlier."

He smiled. And wiped the tears away.

"I'm sorry."

It was meant for someone special in his life he lost when he was younger.

-

Myungsoo tried calling the other but with no avail.

He tried calling his step-brother's friends but they didn't pick up.

He asked so many people but it was hard.

Only then he realized how little he knew about his love step-brother.

He never even talked in a friendly way to him. Of course he was disgusted with him. He saw it in his eyes.

'I'm horrible.'

He gave up for the day. At least he managed to get away from his parents.

He walked along the streets he was unfamiliar with and finally came to a secluded place. It was dark. And he was afraid something might happened. However, no-one would have even cared if he would disappear. He was just a mere existence.

He sat down on the bench and looked in front of him, to the sky and the few stars.

Oh, how he wished he wouldn't have to bear with all the burdens.

"Just one day. Can't I be someone else?"

And, as if fate played with him, a stranger arrived and sat down next to him, not looking at him.

Myungsoo didn't know if he should be scared because the boy had this aura around him that made him feel nervous.

'I better leave.'

"Don't go."

And he didn't leave but he did eye the boy. They locked eyes and the stranger offered him a tired smile.

"I'm sorry for bothering you but I don't want to feel alone anymore." He chuckled, his voice being soft and warm.

Myungsoo was speechless.

"My name is Lee Howon." The not-so-stranger-anymore held up his hand for a handshake. "And you are Mr. Perfect, I guess?"

That earned quite a loud laugh out of him. He didn't know he could laugh like this. It felt strange but also good. "I'm Kim Myungsoo. Oh, no, actually it's Lee but I prefer Kim." He smiled, an awkward feeling making itself comfortable around him.

"Nice to meet you, Kim Myungsoo." the other said and took one of his hands off of his lap and shook it.

His skin tingled by the contact of the other's palm on his.

"So, what takes you here, Mr. Kim Perfect-sshi?" Howon snickered.

He blushed. The name sure had it's effect on him. "It's only Myungsoo. Talking formally is weird." he blurted out.

His opponent's smile widened and he turned his whole body towards him. "Okay, then, what takes you here, Myungsoo-ah?"

"Just thinking about me and the world." he said, staring into his eyes, trying to inculcate the contour of his face.

"You too?"

And so the conversation went on for about an hour about this and that. Until both their phones started to buzz, signaling incoming messages.

"Guess we need to part ways."

"Hmm."

It sure was weird.

Everything was.

He never knew he could be that comfortable talking to a stranger.

"Then, till the next time, Myungsoo."

Then something funny happened.

He grabbed his waist and kissed him.

Lee Howon, the stranger, kissed him, Kim/Lee Myungsoo.

It took him completely off guard, that when he progressed what was happening his opponent broke the kiss and smiled sheepishly at him.

"I'm sorry but your lips were screaming to me to kiss them."

He was at a loss of words. So he stuttered the only thing that came up in his mind, "W..what?"

A quick peck on his cheek and Howon let go of him.

"We'll meet again, Mr. Perfect." He waved and then was gone, vanishing into the dark night.

It sure was weird.

Even after an hour passed, Myungsoo still was standing there, not comprehending what was going on.

-

"You little piece of !"

It was meant to him.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."

'It's more like shouting.' he thought.

"Who do you even think you are? Didn't you know I expected you to find him right away?"

And a slap followed her voice. It was nothing new.

"You're father found him in this of a model company. Go and don't come back without him!"

He nodded. He couldn't afford to speak because her hate made him feel numb lately.

The woman stomped out of the apartment, not even looking back at him and shooting him a last glare because he wasn't even worth this anymore.

"I hate you too."

And he knew he lied because deep inside of him he loved her with all his might. A child could never hate the woman he loved first. Even if they tried they failed. A mother was and would always be their godness.

-

'Today. I'm going to get you back, Sungyeol. Then mother..'

He trailed off as he saw Sunggyu rushing to Sungyeol, knowing Myungsoo, the troublemaker, was there to ruin his life.

'Really. I should let him.'

But his pride was in the way and so he stepped his way towards them, a smirk playing on his lips.

He wasn't confident. Not at all. But he didn't want to get affected by Sungyeol and his new life because he knew the other deserved it after loosing his finacée and mother.

The scene in front of him broke his heart. And without noticing, the moment of tension and hate towards him was over sooner than he thought.

He wasn't pleased with Sungjong being his love's step-brother's boyfriend because he made Sungyeol fall in love with him, something he always wanted.

It is a mystery to Myungsoo how the young boy managed to do that. After all Sungyeol was someone that shut himself off of his family.

But it didn't matter.

And he almost made himself believe it didn't matter.

-

A few days later, the raven haired boy was strolling along the streets by night again. He didn't know what made him going out and leaving his hide-out but he was out on the still unfamiliar streets and found that secluded place again.

It was funny.

It seemed like this place would be the place where he could be weak and open up what a storm he was inside.

He closed his eyes, inhaling the fresh air.

Then his breath was taken away.

"Hmpf!"

With wide eyes, Myungsoo pushed the stranger away from him, removing the other's lips from his own.

"What the..!" he exclaimed. He eyed the boy in front of him and immediately regretted ever pushing him away.

A playful smile danced on his opponent's mouth and he couldn't hide the fact he blushed by the sight of the other.

"Yah, Myungsoo-ah~" Howon whined, pushing the flushed boy back to sit on the bench and straddled him.

No word could describe what was happening in Myungsoo's brain. It was working and if it would have been a cartoon you would have clearly seen the smoke coming from his head from overdoing it and failing its attempt to try to understand.

"Earth to Myungsoo. Are you still here?"

Howon stood up, concern written all over his face and sat down next to the dazed boy, taken his hands in his.

"What's wrong?"

And that was the moment something inside of him clicked and his tears streamed down his cheeks, with no way to stop them.

It was awkward because Howon was awkward with people and Myungsoo never thought he'd cry in front of someone he only met twice.

But it didn't stop them to hug each other (more likely Myungsoo to grip hard onto the other's body to keep himself from falling).

So, the time went by, the night vanished and made place for a few rays of the sun (and both already sleeping in each other's arms).

-

"YOU !"

He flinched by the voice and tears started to well up in his eyes.

A slap and another slap.

"DO YOU THINK YOU OWN THE WORLD?!?"

The third thing hitting his face was a balled fist.

"I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE MY SON!!"

Lastly, a foot  met his stomach. And everything was silent again.

Pain rushed through his body.

And he wiped the tears mixed with blood off of his cheeks.

It was fair.

He deserved it.

He disappointed his mother.

"Myungsoo-ah, there weren't stra-"

And he got enveloped into two muscular arms.

"Shhh." Howon whispered. He tried to calm the younger down but he knew that this would be a hard task. "I'm sorry.." he munbled into his hair.

The raven haired boy hiccuped, "Do-don't be.." Because it wasn't his fault. He shouldn't have opened the door after Howon left in the first place, because he knew that his mother would have found him sooner or later.

"But I am. How can I make it up to you?" The elder's hands were rubbing over his back and this was all he ever wished for. Someone he could rely on. Though, he knew it bothered the shorter.

His grip on Howon's shirt became tighter and more tears fell from his eyes down to the other's shirt. "I'm so-sorry."

And this was the last time Myungsoo ever saw him again.

Because he left him on the next day.

The other shouldn't suffer because everything was fair enough.

It was his fault.

-

"What do you think of hyung now, huh?"

His voice was dry and you could almost see the pain he was feeling.

"Would you be proud to call me your brother?"

The younger never responded because he was talking to a picture in his wallet, a picture from when he was ten years old.

"Will you tell hyung that you miss him?"

He traced his finger along his brother's, the most-loved person in Myungsoo's life.

"Will you tell me that I'm worth it?"

A tear hit the face of his brother.

"Because hyung's missing you and he wants to be worth it for you."

A sob escaped his lips and he pressed them into a thin line, trying to prevent him from voicing out his aching heart.

"Moonsoo-ah." he calls out. "Hyung still cares about you. Hyung loves you. Do you hear me, Moonsoo-ah?"

He broke down after trying to wipe the stubborn tears away.

He lost everything.

Because he wasn't worth it to be happy.

-

Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed.

Myungsoo hadn't get any better.

Every day was a torture.

'I miss you.'

He sighed, looking up to see nothing but darkness.

'I'm sorry.'

No tears made his face wet because there weren't any inside of him to burst out. Not anymore.

Quietly (not that he needed to be silent), he stood up, wanting to get to that place again because he wished he was there.

His steps were slow and actually, there wasn't any power left in his legs. He skipped meals every day, taking one bite of something to eat to just stay alive.

"I want to see him."

Myungsoo halted, his body froze.

"And I want to save him."

It felt like time was stopping right then and there.

"From everyone. But especially from himself."

The words cut right into his heart because he knew but couldn't do anything about it.

"Please let me mee-"

And something hit Myungsoo like a storm.

Howon grabbed his body and pressed it against his, not knowing if he should feel disgusted (because the raven haired boy stunk) or happy (because he finally found him).

And time went by fast again. With the younger not speaking (and not being able to feel a thing).

-

He saw his mother.

They didn't lock eyes because he was afraid she would kill him for real this time.

'She wouldn't.' he told himself, he still hoped for a good thing inside of her.

Fortunately, she didn't even spare a glance at him.

('Nothing new.' he thought.)

So, the uneventful day remained uneventful because he escaped Howon's grip again.

Why he did it, he himself didn't know the reason.

But he always regretted it. Because Howon was nice and he honestly cared too much about him.

-

Once in a while, he watched Sungyeol from afar.

Something inside of him pushed him to stalk and because the taller's life was perfect he loved to watch what he had lost.

"Sungjong-ah, stop! We're in public." the choding scolded his boyfriend.

A chuckle was heard and faster than the elder thought, a quick peck was placed on his lips.

Oh, how he envied them.

'But at least he's happy.'

It was bitter, to watch other people's happiness. But somehow it showed him that he really shouldn't be part of any happiness in this world.

And even though he almost believed his (stupid) words, a bit hope was still lingering on the bottom of his heart. He still wished for the better. Because he wanted to feel again what actual happiness felt like.

-

A shadow covered his sight and he was surprised because no-one even dared to come near him because he was scary.

And it hit him again. He was paralyzed and like the time before, he let himself being dragged away.

He wasn't flushed the moment Howon carried him bridal style to his apartment again. He was numb to everything around him and he wanted to know real bad why it was always like this with the other.

He was placed down on the elder's bed and the door got locked.

"You know that you're an arse, don't you?"

He used that sarcastic tone mixed with hurt because he really wanted to help the younger.

"Why?"

The question hung in the air, tension rising up in the room.

"Look at me and tell me why." the shorter of both demanded.

But it was hard for Myungsoo to even look at the other's figure. How was he supposed to feel with him. All he could think of was that he cared too much and that he shouldn't let them cross paths.

"I'm ... sorry."

"You better be. Because .." The sentence unfinished, Howon approached the younger and stopped right in front of him. "I like you, Myungsoo. More like like, you know?"

The raven haired boy gulped down all the lumps down that placed itself in his throat.

"I care for you. I want you to be happy. And.." he hesitated before finally saying, "I want to be with you."

It was too much to bear.

Myungsoo wasn't worth this affection. He really wasn't worth it.

He wasn't someone special. He never used to be.

He had nothing but himself now and still, he hadn't a heart to tell him that.

Because it'd be selfish and he didn't want to ruin Howon's life after ruining Sungyeol's life.

"I .. I can't." he pressed out, his voice nothing but a whisper, after not using it for way too long.

"Please."

Gentle hands got a hold of his face and he never knew he missed this touch. He never knew he craved for this affection. He never knew what was in front of him was what he envied about most people.

Myungsoo thought it wasn't possible but he cried.

He cried because he needed to.

He cried because he couldn't stop it.

He cried because he felt so alone.

He cried because he wasn't worth it.

And he cried because Howon was growing on him.

-

The night was clear. The moon shone. The stars attached themselves brightly on the sky.

It was beautiful.

"Just like you." Howon had said and he couldn't help but blush at his words. "You may seem cold but I always see the spark in your eyes that made me fall for you in an instant." And he blushed even harder, his ears as red as tomatoes.

-

He bit his lower lip, trying to hold back all the overwhelming feelings he had.

Howon was there.

In front of him.

Holding something up.

And he didn't know how to react.

It was hard to resist and let the feelings burst out.

But he did anyways, the days with Howon did a not good work.

"Did I.. do something wrong?" The elder was fumbling with his free hand on the hem of his shirt. "I didn't want you to-"

And that was the moment Myungsoo had attacked him, almost making both fall because of the utter shock the shorter had.

He cuddled the hell out of him.

They earned a lot of stares of the passerby but it was worth it.

"Thank you. Really. I owe you my life!" he exclaimed.

The other chuckled and held him by the waist, enjoying the feeling of the younger's body against his own.

"I hope I didn't rush things."

"You didn't. It's perfect." he mumbled against his skin.

What Howon held up was a picture of Myungsoo's younger brother. But not only a picture. It was a picture of the boy how he looked like now. And the taller knew the other had his brother's address too.

"He will be happy, I'm sure!"

"He will. We will." Myungsoo told himself.

-

He didn't want to admit it but he was nervous.

They were standing in front of Moonsoo's current apartment (he was told his brother changed his place once in a while) and his palms were sweating.

"What if he doesn't want to see me anymore?"

An arm slung around his shoulder.

"Didn't you hear him clearly yesterday? The moment he knew I called him because of you he started to scream into the speaker." A laugh lifted up his worries a bit and he felt a lot better now, knowing Howon wouldn't go anywhere but stay by his side for support.

"Thank you." he whispered and pecked his cheek.

Not a second after that, an overjoyed boy opened the door in front of them and sprung into his hyung's arms.

"HYUUUUUUUUUUNG!!!!"

And finally, Myungsoo seemed to brighten up.

Only by the presence of his little brother he got a bit of his life back.

Because Moonsoo was back into his life.

And he missed the boy.

Oh, how he missed him.

"Hyung, hyung, hyung!" Moonsoo tugged on his arm and pointed into his apartment. "You need to meet Daeyeol, I told him we can only date if you approve." His grin was huge and his eyes sparkled like the stars at night. "Though, we already went past the normal skinship. I hope you don't mind."

Everyone laughed, even Moonsoo himself after earning a smack on his head of his boyfriend.

"It's true, though." he reasoned and that earned him another smack on his shoulder until Myungsoo took him into his arms again and breathed in his scent. The scent he missed all those years.

"I missed you. A lot." He tightened his grip around the younger a bit. "And I'm sorry."

"Myungsoo hyung!"

This time, the older brother got smacked on the head.

"Don't you dare!" Moonsoo threatened. "I tell you after this long time a last time: You were not at fault. You are not at fault. You will never be at fault." A cute pout covered the smile the boy had moments before. "If this is why I always heard from mother what a bad influence you are to me I understand it now. How could you even think it was because of you?"

Myungsoo was taken aback.

He didn't think his little baby brother would think what he hoped he would think of him.

"I'm... sorry." he said. He was surprised by that feeling inside of that it took almost his breath away.

A small hug and ruffle of hair and the older brother met a smiling face again.

"Hyung, that's so stupid of you!"

He stared at him.

"But enough of that, meet my lovely soon-to-be boyfriend!~"

Lee Daeyeol seemed more mature than everyone in the room and Myungsoo, still somewhat speechless, nodded in his way and when the boy smiled at him, the shy attitude an the grip he had on his brother's hand, he knew it was perfect how they looked together.

"You approve, don't you?"

He couldn't help but think Moonsoo didn't even mature a bit but at the same time he did and it was funny how stupid he grinned at his boyfriend.

-

"How do you feel, Mr. Perfect?"

A blush crept up from his neck to his cheeks.

"I-i told you, don't call me that.." he pouted.

Howon kissed him and shocked him the moment their lips met.

"And I told you don't do crazy things with your mouth or I'll kiss you without warning." The elder laughed while Myungsoo buried his face in his neck.

"I hate you."

"I know you do."

He snuggled closer to the source of warmth. It was comfortable and he found himself too often in the shorter's embrace, wanting nothing but comfort from the boy.

'How did I become this addictive?'

-

It was stupid.

Everything was.

When did he even agree to this?

With a lump in his throat and his hands producing too much sweat, Myungsoo stood there. In front of a company that didn't belong to his father.

'I can't.' he thought, wanting to back away from all the bad memories. 'I want to hide.'

"I'm here, you know."

And he felt that hand on his and he knew the other wouldn't leave him.

'He cares too much.'

He felt bad.

Because of him Howon went through many hardships.

How should he even manage to live with this boy without feeling bad?

"I'm doing this because I love you. Not because I pity you. Don't forget that."

Oh, how he knew he had fallen for that boy.

-

Things weren't easy.

And so was facing Sungyeol.

His hand enlaced with someone else's, he slowly walked up to the office he was told to go.

He wasn't ready because of many reasons.

Because he hurt Sungyeol.

Because he was selfish.

Because he messed up his step-brother's life.

Because he took away his father.

Because he was preferred.

Because he was ... just scum.

"I'm sorry." was the first thing he shouted in the room, not thinking he could voice out his apology differently. "I-i... I didn't want to hurt you. S-sungyeol hyu-hyung..... You don't know how sorry I am..... I am so so so so sorry... P-please.. I'm sorry.." He was on the verge of crying.

Howon's hand was there to tell him that it was okay because he needed to let out those feelings.

His face hung low when a soft voice spoke up.

"I.. I don't know but, Myungsoo-yah, I guess it's okay."

'He can't be real.'

His eyes widened.

"Wha-what..?"

He looked at the tall male, trying to read the other's face.

"Because of you I finally managed to leave you. Father never really held me back. He is a cold man. I always wanted to leave after they died." Sungyeol took a deep breath. "I thought about it and using you as an excuse was easier than telling father that I didn't want to be confronted with all the he said about mother, my mother. It was partly because of you but father was more of a reason than you ever were."

Sungjong was there trying to not tear up. He slung his arms around the elder's waist and he suddenly thought, he wasn't jealous.

"Just to point that out, you hurt me. But don't think it broke me. I'm a tough all-grown men. The only thing that could break me now would be Sungjong." he grinned.

"Yah, why me??"

The tallest among them pinched his lover's cheeks. "Because I love you."

It was like some drama his family and him used to watch together. But this time it wasn't as cheesy as it always seemed to be.

Howon used right that moment to clear his throat. "Good you don't use him as the reason you left." Myungsoo heard him say. "He always felt like he owed you more than one life."

"Hmm, really? Than I want ice cream instead."

"What?"

Myungsoo would never have understood the situation. It was surreal.

"I'm sorry but this boy is a bit ... stupid? Weird? I don't know what to call him."

A chuckle made him look at the boy he fell for.

"He always thinks he's not worth it. So that's basically the reason why he always blames himself for everything."

Sungyeol eyed him. "Yah, what a stupid step-brother are you?"

Sungjong nudged the choding. "You were thinking the same before, so no judging here."

And Myungsoo still felt like it was a dream.

"Can someone pinch me?" he mumbled and Howon was right there to fulfill his request. "AUUUU!" he exclaimed. "What was that for?" he pouted (because he didn't know what else to do).

He got a kiss for that.

"You asked for a pinch so I did what every lover would do to their lover."

"So, you're an item." Sungyeol eyed him again but this time his eyes were more focused on their intertwined fingers.

He didn't know what to say. What was he supposed to say anyways?

"Not yet."

"Then good luck, man!"

Howon laughed. Sungyeol was funny to be with.

"Bu-but... I wanted to.." He paused, searching for the words in his mind. "I wanted to tell you I didn't want to hurt you and I shouldn't have used you like that and I was and am a and I really didn't want to hurt you and I feel so sorry and I don't want you to hate me and I'm so sor-"

He was cut off when the tall boy approached him and smacked his head, hard.

"Shut up or I'll make you." he growled. "It's all in the past. If you always rummage around in the past you'll never move on in life and then you can't accept what is right in front of you." He pointed at his boyfriend when he said the last thing. "Let's just close this page in our life. We can be friends. And even though I know it'll take time, wounds aren't made to be re-opened. If you'll look forward than I'm willing to be friend."

-

And still, after all the time that passed, he didn't comprehend what happened.

-

"Want to date?"

He choked on his drink and spilled the rest onto the table. "What?"

"I asked you if you want to date me."

"Isn't this a date?" he asked in disbelief.

"I guess not?"

"Okay?"

They stared at each other.

"Excuse me?" The waitress watched them shifting their gazes at her.

"What?"

"Uhm, I want to clean up?" she said more like a question, unsure of how to behave.

"Oh, okay."

"So what? Will you date me?"

The girl blushed at his words.

"I'm sorry but I'm talking to the boy on your right."

"Yah! Stop it, will you?"

"I want an answer."

"If you act like this I won't give you one."

"Weren't you the one saying we're already dating?"

"So what? Then let's leave it like this."

"Yah."

The waitress, obviously uncomfortable with the couple (?), just left like this. Not even looking back, they were too weird.

"So?"

"Shut up. Will you do me this favor?"

"Nope."

"When did you start to be like this?"

"Since you started always meeting up with Sungyeol."

"Hah, you're jealous? Stupid boy."

"I'm a man. And shush it, I can be jealous!"

"But this isn't even you. Stop it or I will leave you here alone."

"You won't."

"Of course I wi-"

They kissed and let the unfinished sentence disappear.

"P-people.."

"Then let's go home."

"I-i hate you.."

"That's the Myungsoo I know."

"And that's the stupid boy I know."

A moan escaped Myungsoo's lips. (What caused it, nobody but Howon knew.)

"Who's the boy again?"

All the costumer's eyes were on them.

"I'm sorry, he hurt his head somewhere." Howon bowed to the people, not feeling sorry at all.

"I hate you.."

Myungsoo wanted the ground to eat him,so he could easily disappear and spare this mortification.

"We're dating? Good."

"I never said yes, bastard."

"Language, Myungsoo. What would you do without me?"

"Have a peaceful life." he grunted, looking anywhere but at him.

"And I would still feel alone."

He would never understand how hard he fell for this stupid boy.

"But you've me."

The conversation ended there. But Myungsoo added a short "We're dating." because he knew Howon wouldn't let loose that topic any time soon if he refused to answer him properly.

An approving smile an they were all happy and cute again.

-

"So, we're really dating?"

"Yah!"