Review by: littlemisshappy
Fish in the Lake
A/N: I really need this to improve!
Title: Fish in the lake
Title: 3/5
No offense but I think you should put any other interesting title to catch peole’s attention. The title play a big role in advertising your story..
Poster: 3/5
Your poster is kinda plain and has no background. No offense to the person who make it. ^^
Description/ Foreword: 6/10
Your description is okay, you may add more colors to make it interesting and colorful though but overall, it’s okay.
Plot: 7/10
Your plot is interesting.
Creativity/ Originally: 8/10
Truth is, I’ve never read a story with this kind if plot. Keke ^^
Grammar/ Spelling: 10/20
While I’m reading it, I spotted only one spelling mistake which was
He had black jacket, a cup and eyeglasses.
I guess it’s supposedly be a cap right? ;)
And theres some mistake in your sentences structure and some grammatical error but I guess English is not your first language right? So I’ll just point out some of these mistakes.
Although his personal life was being revealed all the time, He didn’t have any complain, it was a compliment.
Although his personal life was being revealed all the time, he didn't complain anything, instead, he thinks of it as a compliment.
Your sentence structure was a little bit messy and incomplete.
But for once… he wanted to be ordinary. He wanted the feeling of being unknown, walk on the street without being notice, talk to ordinary people without being recognize as Riida of Arashi. Even in one day, he liked to experience that.
But for once, he wanted to be an ordinary person, he wanted to feel like a normal person who can walk on the street without being notice, talk to ordinary people without being recognize as Riida of Arashi, even if it just in one day, he'd like to experience that.
There’s a lot of passer-by, but he didn't bother to look.
‘Were’ is for past tense and pass’ing’ is present tense. So if you wanted to use ‘were’ the sentence will be like ‘There were a lot of people who passed by, but he didn't bother to look.’ Or if you want it to be in present tense, ‘There are a lot of people passing by, but he didn't bother to look.’ Passer-by is an option if you wanted to use it ;)
Actually his friends from Arashi bet that no matter how good his disguise, somebody would recognize him. He didn’t expect it to happen early.
Actually his friends from Arashi bet that no matter how good he can disguise, sombody would definitely recognize him. He didn’t expect it to happen this early.
The ‘can’ and ‘this’ are needed in the sentence to make it complete and not messy.
“Thank you!” said the girl right after the picture taking.
“Thank you!” said the girl after Ohno was done taking her a picture.
Your sentence wasn't in the correct order. If you’re ending a sentence with ‘-ing’, it should be an adjective word that describe the situation.
Hana always loved this kind of scenic.
Hana always loved this kind of scenery. It’s just so breath-taking.
‘Scenic’ means something beautiful. ‘Scenery’ is the view. So, if you wanted to describe a beautiful view, you should say ‘the beautiful scenery’ or ‘the scenic scenery’
There are some other mistakes though, but it’s just the same thing, and I’ve already explained it to you. Mostly, your sentence structure, but you can always work on that on right? Fighting! ;)
Flow/detail: 7/10
Your flow is okay. Not to slow or too fast.
Characterization: 6/10
You should describe more about the character like how the girl feels when Ohno wants to bring her to see Arashi or Ohno’s reaction when he knows Hana didn’t have any boyfriend. Lol x)
Ending: 7/10
I think, you should make a sequel xD well, it makes people wondered about what happen, but, that makes it interesting right? So keep writing! :’D
Total: 57/100
R/N: I hope this won’t discourage you from keep writing stories. You can always improve to be a better one right? ;) Keep on writing! Hwaiting! :’D and thankyou for requesting at Apink Request Shop! FIGHTING! x)
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