The kids know. They know when adults are lying to them. They are smarter than society thinks. The youngest ones cling to Taeyeon, tears wetting her shirt as the dams break. The older ones cry, too even though they attempt to hold it in.

 

Taeyeon holds her arms out wider, motioning for everyone to come closer. She tries to hug them all, whispering softly.

 

“Sleepy Ahjumma left with a smile.”

 

It wasn’t a lie and it seemed to be the only thing she could think of saying.

 

That simple truth was at least a tiny bit comforting to her.

 

She had left when she was ready.

 

But she had left when Taeyeon wasn’t ready.

 

--

 

Spreadsheets remain stagnant as Taeyeon stares at the light from the computer with dead eyes. The numbers and data just stare right back as the other girl doesn’t move at all.

 

A styrofoam cup appears in her eye sight. She looks up, eyes trailing that long arm back to its owner.

 

“Sooyoung.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Frustration wells up in her chest as her temper rises. What kind of question was that? Of course she wasn’t okay. Her hands ball up into fists as she feels her body going numb with anger.

 

But her memory calms her down.

 

There was no reason to get mad at Sooyoung for asking the question; Taeyeon had asked her to do so when the time came.

 

Letting out a deep sigh, Taeyeon takes the cup and sets it on the desk.

 

“No, Sooyoung. I am not okay.”

 

Sooyoung gives her a comforting hand on the shoulder.

 

“Take some time off.”

 

She couldn’t have given better advice.

 

--

 

The silence of an empty apartment greets Taeyeon as she takes off her shoes, door shutting behind her. She tilts her head to the side, hand massaging her neck as the keys are tossed onto the kitchen table. Making her way to the nearly empty fridge, leftovers are heated up from a take-out box.

 

She stands in front of the microwave, eyes watching the red numbers tick by.

 

Dinner for one, again.

 

Back to one.

 

--

 

It wasn’t fair. It was too cruel for God or fate (or whatever is out there) to put Jessica in her life and then rip her viciously out before anything could really be developed.

 

There were too many things left unsaid. Words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m glad to have met you.’ There were too many things left unanswered. She didn’t even know what illness it was that had taken Jessica away from her. She didn’t even know about Jessica’s family or friends or what life was like before the illness.

 

At this point now, she felt like she hardly knew Jessica because it was Jessica who chose not to reveal those details about her life.

 

It was Jessica who was trying to protect Taeyeon from herself. It was Jessica who wanted Taeyeon by her side, but to not get too entangled because she knew she was leaving for good. It was Jessica who had been selfish to Taeyeon.

 

It was Taeyeon who still fell for such a girl. It was Taeyeon who still chose to stay by her side, digging that hole deeper together.

 

And it was Taeyeon who is left in the aftermath with anger and frustration and desperation as she loved the younger girl.

 

--

 

The ending theme song of ‘Attack on Titan’ plays as Taeyeon shuts her laptop lid. She sits alone on the couch, closing her eyes for a brief moment as a familiar voice overtakes her.

 

“I told you I knew who the female titan was.”

 

“It was pretty obvious!”

 

“Yeah, right. You couldn’t have guessed it if they had spelled it out for you.”

 

“I’ll have you know I earned the top spot in my spelling bee!”

 

“Oh shut up.”

 

At least, that is how she predicts her conversation would have been with Jessica.

 

She hears it so clearly, so perfectly in her head. But when she opens her eyes, Jessica is not there sitting by her side. Leaning her head back on the couch she sighs as the cold, empty apartment breathes silence back to her.

 

--

 

She doesn’t make it to the funeral that morning. Instead, Taeyeon finds herself walking in the corridor to that familiar place at sunset. She opens the door, expecting to see that stupid smirk on the blonde’s face.

 

She is greeted with a black haired girl who resembles Jessica. The younger girl is standing by the bed, packing up Jessica’s scarce belongings into two boxes. It takes a few seconds until the other girl realizes Taeyeon is in the room.

 

“You must be Taeyeon.”

 

Her voice sounds a lot like Jessica.

 

“I am. Who are you?”

 

“Krystal. Jessica’s younger sister.”

 

Taeyeon can only blink thrice, surprised by the mere fact that Jessica had a sister. Krystal picks up the blue notebook, flipping through the pages as she speaks.

 

“She was a riot.”

 

“A pleasant one.”

 

“You must be a masochist.”

 

The family resemblance was starting to show.

 

“I see that you take after her. It feels strange to meet you for the first time after she’s gone.”

 

“You probably think I’m a horrible sister for not visiting.” She puts the blue notebook into one of the boxes. “She sent me away to study in school and live my life. You could say my sister was the Tsundere type.”

 

“Sounds just like her.”

 

“You only knew her for four months, but something tells me you were very close with her.”

 

“I… I spent a lot of time with her. Even if we didn’t talk about hobbies or her life before the illness, I feel like I knew her inside and out about certain things.”

 

“Tell me something. Why did you become her friend? She’s not the most pleasant one around.”

 

Taeyeon chuckles lightly at the word choice.

 

“Do you really want to know?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Because she makes me feel alive.”

 

“Alive?”

 

“I was dead inside, an empty shell going through the motions of life. Your sister gave me something I didn’t know I was yearning. Something I’ve learned that everyone needs.”

 

“What?”

 

“Company.”

 

Krystal just scratches her head.

 

“If you say so. Hey. She told me to give this to you after she passed away.” Krystal nudges the smaller box towards Taeyeon.

 

“She did?” Slowly, Taeyeon picks up the box. It’s light. “Thank you. Do you need anything?”

 

“No. You already gave me what I asked for.”

 

“What?”

 

“Jessica will explain it to you.” Krystal picks the box up and makes her way towards the door.

 

“Krystal.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Taeyeon wants to bite her tongue after asking such a stupid question, especially after getting upset at Sooyoung for asking the same question, but the elephant in the room just had to be struck.

 

“I think that’s a question better directed for yourself. My sister had prepared me for this since I could remember. But you… you had met her at her weakest time. And your time with her was so short lived. It is you who I should ask, ‘are you okay?’”

 

Taeyeon doesn’t reply, signaling to Krystal what the answer was.

 

“You will be.”

 

With that, Krystal walks away, leaving Taeyeon alone to soak in the truth.

 

--

 

Back in her bedroom, Taeyeon opens the lid to the box.

 

Of course, it was full of colorful cranes.

 

At first, anger rushes into her system at the thought of Jessica leaving these for her. They were just reminders of her and it wouldn’t be enough because Taeyeon needed the real thing, needed Jessica.

 

She wants to rip the frail paper cranes into shreds, just like how heart was ripped into piece by Jessica’s death. Her hands shake as she cannot bring herself to do so.

 

What was she supposed to do with them?

 

She stares at the cranes, minutes, maybe hours even ticking by as she holds in the whirl of emotions going on inside of her.

 

No.

 

She can’t do this tonight.

 

She puts the lid back on and tucks the box beneath her bed.

 

--

 

Taeyeon dreams of her walking with her own two feet, but not running because Jessica was too good for that. Sees them drinking tea in a café because coffee was too cliché for Jessica’s taste. Sees her holding a paper crane out to her by the riverside, hand tucking her hair behind an ear. Sees Jessica lighting up her days and nights with that fire in her eyes. Most of all, she sees Jessica by her side and then she vanishes just like that.

 

She wakes up alone, sweat accumulating as short puffs of breath come out.

 

Should have spent more time with her is what her conscience says but her heart says no, the problem is I won’t get any more time with her.

 

It is then that she realizes what she was regretting was not the lost past, but the lost future, not what had not been, but what would never be.

 

It is then that Taeyeon breaks down, lying in that empty bed, hand clutching her shirt as the vivid dreams continue. She cries and cries, hoping her tears will wash the dreams away.

 

They don’t.

 

--

 

It takes her days, no weeks, to finally open the box again.

 

She picks up the yellow one on top of the pile, admiring the craftiness. Her fingers rub against the paper as her eyes run over the small wrinkles and ridges Jessica had made.

 

Jessica had improved in folding.

 

It is then that Taeyeon notices a small smudge of granite beneath the right wing. Taeyeon recognizes that handwriting anywhere.

 

try.

 

The letters are a part of an incomplete word. Carefully, she unfolds it, eyes widening at the message.

 

Everything about you is living poetry.

 

It felt like a nail was driven into her heart with a hammer.

 

Jessica had left her messages.

 

Frantically, she grabbed the nearest crane and opened it up, looking for more.

 

Blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, marked.

 

There were more.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

I feel a rise in my chest when I see that smile.

 

Stay with me now.

 

You hold me without touch.

 

I wish for others to experience what you have given me.

 

I was never afraid, but I shivered.

 

See you on the other side.

 

You laugh and I can’t breathe.

 

I love you. Remember. Death cannot take that away.

 

Time passes. Your pain will too.

 

I have to go now.

 

You make me feel alive.

 

The piece of papers that were once cranes lay scattered on Taeyeon’s bedroom floor. She held the last one she read close to her chest as she muttered under her breath, “Stupid closet romanticist.”

 

The tears spilled as she repeated the words to herself.

 

“Stupid, stupid closest romanticist.”

 

Running her fingers through her hair, she cried for the second time since the night Jessica had passed. Her sobs resonated throughout her chest and the empty apartment.

 

--

 

Fifty five had been marked with words Jessica never said with her lips.

 

Three hundred and nine cranes were made together over banters and laughter.

 

Six hundred and ninety one more cranes to reach a thousand.

 

One thousand for a wish.

 

Taeyeon wakes up with a resolve stronger than the anger and hurt she had in her heart.

 

One thousand for a wish and she’d finish the rest by herself.

 

It was the least she could do for Jessica.

 

--

 

It takes her two weeks. Her boss had finally called to let her know she’d been fired for overstaying her leave period, but it means little to nothing compared to the fire in her heart. She didn’t see anyone, kept meals to quick fixes, and only slept when eyes drooped and fingers couldn’t fold anymore.

 

One thousand cranes litter her apartment from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom.

 

It becomes a pain in the when Taeyeon has to gather them into a large box, but she doesn’t complain. This was nothing. When the box is full, she makes her way to her car and drives off.

 

--

 

It was the first time she was visiting Jessica’s grave and it certainly would not be the last. She sets up the materials in front of the grave, speaking very softly.

 

“I wish for the children to experience the comfort of company like you did. I wish for your wish.”

 

The match is lit and tossed into the pile of cranes.

 

She watches and waits for all one thousand to burn.

 

As the flames dance, the weight on her chest rises to the beat of the crackles and embers.

 

It was time for her to truly let go.

 

Smoke clouded her view, but she felt like she could really see the world now.

 

Jessica wouldn’t want her to be crying and living the way she had been in the past few months.

 

“Build a bridge and get over it, you big cry baby” is what Taeyeon thinks Jessica is saying from hell.

 

It was time to let go of the anger and hatred.

 

So she did with a smile.

 

--

 

Fresh coffee steamed from her cup as she stood in front of her apartment window, waiting for the morning sun to rise. Her skirt was neatly ironed along with her blouse. Blowing a breath to cool down the coffee she smiled as daylight began to strike.

 

It was the start of a new day and life.

 

Beside her, fifty five colorful cranes hung from the ceiling. They were the ones that had been marked by Jessica. Except now, they were marked by Taeyeon as well.

 

Everything about you is living poetry.

Because of you, words are not just ink on paper anymore.

 

Take care of yourself.

I’m still finding pieces of you.

 

I feel a rise in my chest when I see that smile.

I look for you in everyone.

 

Stay with me now.

I did and you drove me crazy.

 

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

 

I wish for others to experience what you have given me.

Your wish has been made.

 

I was never afraid, but I shivered.

You send shivers down my spine, fear attached.

 

See you on the other side.

Better have that room reserved for me still in years to come.

 

You laugh and I can’t breathe.

I always thought you had that effect on me.

 

I love you. Remember. Death cannot take that away.

But it can (and did) take you away, my love.

Time passes. Your pain will too.

Always know that I love you so.

 

I have to go now.

I have written you down, now you live forever.

 

You make me feel alive.

You make me feel alive.

 

Blowing another breath on to the steamy coffee, Taeyeon smiles at the reflection in the window pane.

 

“I’m okay. I’m alive.”

 

------------

 

Author's Note: Welp, it's been fun, it's been real, it's been real fun. Here's a PDF and a Tracklist for your feelings. Thanks for supporting me thus far! P.S., sorry I never, if rarely, reply to your comments. Please reach me at my twitter @limnological if you would like to talk!