° September 2012

The moment Mark looks up from the screen of his cellphone (expecting to find a text from his best friend Jaebum who's late as usual), his eyes look up and then stay glued on a boy wearing a cap, who's doing some tricks on his skateboard, and he thinks woah (and maybe not only woah).

It is not the first time in his life that he's seen someone skateboarding. 

In America, there are a lot of teenagers whose hobby is getting bruises after doing frontsides, and kickflips- -and woah, woah, woah, the guy is getting ready to do one. He makes a great spin before perfectly landing on his board. 

Ok. So maybe he's good, and maybe Mark is quite impressed, so he keeps on staring. He passes the next ten minutes watching incredible grinds.

His heart skips a beat when an idiot, who's sitting on one of the benches of the park with his group, purposely throws an empty can of Coke to the guy and the latter, distracted, fails to do his next trick. His hat falls off his head as his back collides with the ground.

The idiot laughs it off along with those gorillas of his friends.

Mark, on the other hand, is running to help. He stops a meter far because the guy has already stood up and is yelling like there is no tomorrow. From his spot, Mark—he doesn't really check him out. He swears that he's just looking.

The guy looks around his age or maybe he's one or two years younger than him. He's shorter, and he's throwing curses in Korean—Mark can hear a thick accent. He has Korean features, though—and  yous and motherers in English—'kay, so maybe he's grown up somewhere else. Why am I making all of these assumptions? (If Mark had looked at the others instead of only focusing on the guy, he would have noticed that nobody was intimidated by the outburst).

Despite the situation, Mark finds himself chuckling.

It is in that exact time, of course (because you guys do not know this, but he, Mark Tuan, is the luckiest person in the world. Note the sarcasm. Please, note the sarcasm, guys), that skateboarder-guy finally acknowledges his presence.

Mark can guess what the other is thinking.

If the glare that is being sent to him is any clue, he didn't make a good impression. There's a small voice inside of him that is suggesting him to defend himself: he's standing there because he wanted to provide help, but dammit, forget the voice.

Once his eyes lock on the guy's, he has to blink twice.

To say that he is attractive is the understatement of the year.

Skateboarder has dyed dark brown hair, he's sweating so some strands are sticking to his forehead, and he's looking at Mark with black orbs full of hate. There is a nauseous feeling in Mark's gut. His gaze travels down, analyzing the loose shirt and his imagination does not start giving him pictures of sculpted chests, and Mark's fingers pressing on the guy's waist. 

Wait, what.

"Move, jerk."

Mark doesn't need to ask who's he referring to. Oops, it's me. He should really say something and clear the misunderstanding. "I—"

"Save it." Skateboarder—let's call him that. Guy is just so sad. And attractive guy sounds lame even though the adjective, or a synonym of it, should be really used because his nice appearance deserves to be pointed out. Handsome Skateboarder should be fine—walks past him.

Mark furrows his eyebrows as he sees Handsome Skateboarder (oh, yeah, it totally works) bend to pick up his hat and his skateboard, and Mark regrets not having thought about doing it himself.

The worst part of it is that the gorillas are all whistling and saying awful things that make Handsome Skateboarder first clench his jaw, then he starts preparing to leave on his board.

Without a second glance, he skates away and obviously he misses the part when Mark reaches out with the intention of stopping him and apologise (a sorry can make up for everything, maybe?).

"Aaaaaaaaw," the group of idiot teenagers comment after witnessing the scene.

Unfortunately, Mark's death stare doesn't shut them up.

It doesn't take long before he receives a text from Jaebum who announces that he's finally coming.

With a chorus of insults and laughs, he leaves the park. Mark doesn't have any of those idiots in his mind while he walks to the building where he's going to meet his friend.

Skateboarder.

He facepalms because he's not a chick and he shouldn't smile like a moron at the memory, but the guy's attractive and that heavy accent when he spoke Korean—Jesus. And he's small, but does he have the courage of a tiger. Ohmygod—Handsome Skateboarder is a not so bad nickname, but Cute Skateboarder is perfect.

He's in a total chick-flick moment, but can you blame him?

-

Mark meets him again a week later and, surprise, surprise, Cute Skateboarder is a new student in their school.

It's so cliché that Mark almost feels like he's the protagonist of a romcom movie if it's not for the fact that the boy he likes doesn't hold the same feelings for him.

Mark gets rejected even after a grand gesture, and if there is something he has learnt from those movies his mother and his sister forced him to watch with them when he was younger, is that grand gestures conquer everything and if they don't, well, you've got to give up and move on.

There are a lot of fishes in the sea.

Mark's interest is completely taken by this tiny fish, but maybe it is not the fish for him and—he doesn't like this comparison. He really doesn't, so let's cut it here. Anyway, the point is, there are other people in the world and it is stupid wasting your time after someone who obviously isn't going to reciprocate. That's it.

Anyway, for the sake of the story, he's going to narrate what happened so you can understand. It went like this.

Jaebum was talking about the project they had to finish by Tuesday when they stopped conversating to each other as Jaebum bumped to the back of the person in front of him. He was protesting because you don't suddenly halt in the middle of the entrance when people are walking behind you.

But the student just looked at them with a blank expression. He held his hand up. "What's happening?" He asked, chin up as he tried to look at somewhere near the gates. "What's happening?" He repeated, question directed to no one in particular. Just like the first one.

"Huh?" Jaebum said dumbly.

Mark's neck snapped to attention the moment a girl screamed that 'He's so cool' while some others started shouting to be 'Careful'. Curious, he tip-toed a lilttle, trying to look above all the other people's heads. He did not know when exactly Jaebum did it, but one moment he was there not seeing anything and a moment later, he was being dragged away by his friend who was tugging on his sleeve.

He nearly tripped when Jaebum left his grip on him. Regaining composure, he nearly choked on his saliva because there he was.

The guy who had been populating his thoughts during night these past seven days, also known as Cute Skateboarder. He had his fellow-board tucked under his arm while he was trying to read what seemed like the map of the school. His expression was painted with deep concentration.

He was there, in the middle of everyone's attention—people had literally formed an imperfect circle around Cute Skateboarder, and he looked like he wasn't even aware of it.

At some point, Mark saw him mumbling to himself, scratching his chin, and Mark couldn't even remember the last time he genuinely surprised himself (there was this time Mark volunteered on taking his classmate's duty that day—cleaning the classroom. It was probably because Sunny didn't feel well and nobody, not even her friends, was going to replace her), but this was a very big step. 

"Hey." Mark's voice did not echo because it was an open place. If they had been inside a building, it would have echoed. Likely. There would have been a high percentage that it would have hap—Okay. Why am I rambling? Focus. Don't get nervous. But he already felt like he could melt any time. He knew that all the students were looking at him at this point.

He could deal with a small group of nothing more but five people in the park, but around forty people?

Calm down, Tuan. Your fault for being so earnest in knowing the guy. Guy who had tilted his head to the side. A frown was getting its way down his features.

"I can walk you to your class. I know the school pretty well." He tried again with a lame joke because he's a masochist, okay? 

Even before meeting Mark's gaze, Cute Skateboarder was losening the confused expression and a smile was blossoming on his face.

Are you even legal?

"What?"

And then he was staring at Mark who closed his eyes because, damn it, really, he said that out loud. Thoughts were supposed to stay inside his head. Why couldn't his mouth cooperate? 

"I mean—" He did not have the chance to complete his sentence because the other was squinting at him. Oh, he's going to remember me. And that was not good. This wasn't going to end as Mark wanted if he did not act fast. So, he blurted out, "You and I met at the park," and that was the end of his explanation because he's clever. He did not add that Cute Skateboarder misinterpreted his chuckle. Mark was not making fun of him. 

Cute Skateboarder straightened his shoulders and for a small fraction of time, Mark thought that he was considering the idea of beating him. "You are one of those dips." He drawled, tone dangerous and now he was so damn tense. " off." 

Mark took a long breath. "Look—"

"Don't look me." Cute Skateboard spat, waving the map in the space between him and Mark. "Who needs the help of a motherer?" The way he mixed English and Korean together was nothing cute though. It was more like, uhm, y.

"I was trying to help you at the park," Mark finally said the truth. Partly.

"Right." The other replied, putting his skate down to fold his arms on his chest. "Explain to me how laughing at me was any help." He demanded stubbornly. 

"Huh." Mark found himself not being able to do what Cute Skateboarder was telling him to since spilling that it was because he found him cute was inappropriate at the moment, and he had the sensation that if he said that, Cute Skateboarder would use his skateboard to kill him.

"Is that so?" Cute Skateboarder broke the silence. "Never help me again then, motherer. Adios."

And that was how Mark got humiliated twice by the same guy in less than ten days. First, in front of a small group of idiots and then, in front of the school.

-

His tiny fish doesn't want him. Fine. Mark will look for a better one.

-

°May 2014

"Please?" Mark pushes his lower lip out. He always tries to use his trademark pout because even though Jaebum is almost immune to it, there are rare days when Mark succeeds, and he is really hoping that this could be one of those.

From Jaebum's unimpressed expression and the way he's raising this eyebrow and his look is screaming judging you so hard, Mark knows that his pout won't get him the seat next to the window.

"Mark." Jaebum sighs, exasperation written all over his face. He's now giving Mark the what should I do with you look which is uglier than the previous one.

Mark can read him like an open book because he's known the guy since elementary (Jaebum was this kid who offered Mark a cookie that he put on his desk. Mark promised to eat it after he went to the bathroom, but the cookie was nowhere to be found once he got back because apparently it sort of singsonged to Jaebum to devour it. And he should accept to be judged by someone so lame like Lim Jaebum? Please).

He can predict that a question is coming.

Not a question, but the question.

Jaebum pinches the bridge of his nose. "I thought you said you were over him?"

Mark coughs.

He walks awkwardly to sit at the desk next to—his. Because the damn desk next to the window has been his from the second day of the year (when he managed to have a deal with Jaebum: the person between the two of them who gets to school earlier can take it for the rest of the day. And Mark had always won until today. Damn it).

"Mom made me buy milk at the mini-market this morning." He informs Jaebum because he needs to know. "If it hasn't been for it that chair and that desk would have been mine."

Jaebum shakes his head. "You're not changing the topic." He lets out another sigh. (Mark swears that Jaebum sighs too much for a teen. And he scowls too much too. He's not doing it at the moment. Yet). "I really don't get you."

"Well, I am not getting what you're saying either, so we're even," Mark spits out. He hopes that his attempt to get himself out of this interrogation about his love life will die like right now. It takes very little—Jaebum scowling (told ya guys that he was going to do it)—for Mark to sag his shoulders in defeat.

"Why are we having this conversation at this hour? No, wait, don't answer. We're not having—" His friend draps his legs on his lap, preventing Mark from getting up (and Mark may or may have not—you will never know, guys. Never—tried to shove those limbs off of him, and he may or may have not failed, but this is another thing you will never know).

"If we take away his skateboard," Jaebum eyes Mark seriously, "what's so interesting about him?" He drawls, accentuating the adjective with his voice and by pressing his forefinger on the desk.

Silence falls between them.

They stare at each other.

Jaebum is giving him a thousand of different looks, starting from the tell me, I'm your friend look to the just say it,  to the new entry Mark, he's a ing douche. Which Jackson (Wang Jackson. Don't know if you guys remember him, but if you go back like—two years back from now, you'll find someone called Cute Skateboarder. Very Cute Skateboarder) is not.

There are rumors circulating around the school that say Mark's crush goes out with people and then dumps them the very next day. Just like that. Without giving his ex-partners any reason.

Heartless, girls say though some of them still wish to be the player's next victim. Twinks (woah, Mark's definitely not explaining the meaning of this word. You guys know how to use Google, right? Then, do a little research) try to be strong and to "not be lured by the bad boy image and aura that the guy emanates", but it's hard and many fall. 

And then there is Mark, who once vowed to himself that he was closing the chasing Jackson Wang book to look for a nicer and better person, but, like the others, dammit, if it's difficult.

"He's arrived, you know. Skateboard, black cap and assface as usual." Jaebum says tightly.

Because he's Mark's best friend, and because he still recalls the #5 in the Top 10 of the school's biggest turn down in 2012, Jaebum—well, Mark does not think that he hates Jackson.

It would be stupid and immature for Jaebum to hate someone who he does not even know based on a single episode, he's not like that, and Mark's angry words (he said a lot of things after Jackson stabbed his dignity and pride) that he found himself not really meaning after he calmed down. Jaebum doesn't even care that Jackson's also known as the troublemaker of the school. He has started cornering Mark and telling him to stop having fantasies (I don't have fantasies!, he had protested. Ok. Maybe he did. And he still does. Maybe-—it's a key word. Confirming something like that is ing embarassing. Can everyone agree to this?) after listening to the first of those rumors.

He's being a good friend.

Mark appreciates the concern, but—

"You taking my seat to goo goo eyes and drool at him from the distance?" It's the mean jokes that he can't stand.

"Shut up."

Jaebum blinks innocently. "You're not? Isn't that why you wanna be here?"

Mark rubs a hand on his face. "Seriously, zip your mouth." He mumbles. As if he needs someone to remind him (it's not Jaebum's intention, he knows, but still) that he is the most pathetic individual in the entire world.

-

There are certain rules that Mark has established in order not to discourage himself, and mostly, because he does really need to convince himself that he is doing nothing wrong. As time passes by, those rules become more and more important to the point that sometimes Mark clings to them like mantras, and there are rare times wen he even holds them as universal truths.

One, say whatever you want, but looking for the person you like to watch him from afar is not creepy. His sister Laura (only God knows why Mark told her) says otherwise. She always looks at him disapprovingly during dinner, but, hey, Mark has already decided that it's...not cool. But fine. It's fine. (She called him a loser once, but it takes one to know one, doesn't it? God, I feel like I'm twelve).

Two, Mark is not a stalker because a) it takes being creepy to be a stalker. Read point number one. b) If Mark was a stalker (who he's not, but let's pretend that he's one), he would be the most good-looking stalker because he has looks and he has admirers and people leaving letters with his name written on them to prove it. Which means that Jackson Wang should feel honored to be followed by Mark Tuan.

Three, he is not cocky. Not at all.

Spotting Jackson in the canteen is one of the easiest things.

Jackson is the typical badass looking dude who wears caps even when he's inside the school building. He has one of his earphones tucked in his ear while the other dangles. And seriously Jackson Wang stands out because he just does with his uniform ed to reveal a black shirt and his quite worn out Nike, and because students make him stand out.

They trail after him with their heads and eyes,and they often take a step back when Jackson is near them.

But even on those times when the dude is quietly sitting on his table with some of his friends, Mark finds him easily.  

However, today, Jackson is on the bleachers and Mark can't say for sure if he is watching the track team (is that Jongdae running with Chanyeol? Must be one of those crazy stupid mini competitions the two have during breaks) or if he is simply listening to his iPod.

Once every month, Mark finds him like this.

All alone. 

He is not always on the bleachers.

Sometimes he's at the lockers, sitting there with his back on the 768 (Jackson's locker), his precious skateboard and the music. He's there humming along to a song. And he's so ing lonely.

If they were friends, Mark would not hesitate to keep the guy company or to simply ask him what is bothering him. You don't have that look—like the world is ending if everything's going on smoothly.

But we're not. Mark is on the grass, legs up to his chest. He's pressing his chin on his knees.

Crushes are worst than nightmares. 2/10 would not recommend. He smacks himself in the forehead.

He's so absorbed in self-harming himself that he doesn't hear someone calling him.

Mark jumps a little when a hand squeezes his forearm.

"." Mark feels the palpitation of his heart in his throat. He is inhaling and exhaling quickly. He has his fingers digging on the land, pulling some blades of grass.

Short black hair, amused eyes, quite tall guy. Mark recognises him as one of the guys Jackson hangs out with at school. Junior. Or, something like that. He's not sure about the name because he's never got very interested in knowing the members of Jackson's group.

More like, he does not want to know who are the priviledged guys because honestly? He's a little bit jealous.

He's Jackson's classmate, isn't he?

"You've got some nice reactions there," guy with quite unknown name comments, "anyway, have you by any chance seen a guy this tall," he shakes his hand near his eyebrow, "with a dog face, cap and all that crap—that smells like apple juice?"

"He smells like apple juice?" Mark questions him, eyes wide. Meanwhile his brain is categorizing this new info as of great significance because the guy hasn't said any name, but Mark can feel who he is talking about. (If you do not understand that, it's because nonsense things like this make sense only if you're in love, or have a crush. Sorry).

Wait. How the someone smells like apple juice?

"Yeah, Wang boy always drinks it. His breath's apple. Delicious, really." The other deadpans. Then he's smiling, biting his lower lip and Mark has no idea if he's being tricked or not. "I'm looking for Jackson Wang. Does the name ring a bell?"

Of course it does. Mark has two options: he can fake and say 'oh, look, he's there!' or simply pretend that he hasn't seen the guy. He can't explain why but the second choice sounds safer. "Err, no, really. I have not seen him anywhere."

"Oh." The guy snorts. He stays silent, and Mark watches him eying the building. "I'll see if he's come back in the classroom then." Classmates. Yeah, they are. A flashback of this guy and Jackson entering and exiting section B appears in his head. "Well, thanks, man. See you!"

"Bye," Mark says, and as the guy runs away to look for his friend, guilt absolutely doesn't make him gnaw on his lip. He absolutely doesn't spend time thinking that this was the first time he heard of Jackson's friend looking for the guy and the guilt (why guilt? it's not like he did something so wrong, right? Whatever, don't ask him) doesn't double up when he looks at Jackson there with nobody with him.

, really.

-

"Where have you been?"

Mark does not spare Jaebum a glance. "Outside. Fresh air."

He hears his best friend sigh beside him. "You're impossible."

-

Mark has imagined several times being caught when he started this thing about Jackson.

At the beginning, he thought that Jaebum was the one who would get him busted. But Mark is aware that his best friend knows, yet surprisingly, Jaebum hasn't said anything about it (you saw, guys). He has never mentioned it either. Mark doesn't know the reason. One thing for sure is that he doesn't have Jaebum's approval, but that is not essential. 

(If he thinks hard, he'd remember Jaebum telling him that it is weird and he's just hurting himself. What).

Then, he has started imagining being caught by Jackson himself and—that's . He's imagined Jackson yelling and even kicking him on the balls.

He's imagined getting caught while he's doing the following, but this?

Nah, definitely, nothing like this.