Kim Joonmyun gets scouted and joins SM Entertainment in 2006. He is sixteen years old.

He didn’t necessarily want to be a celebrity, or no more than most teenagers. In fact, he has dreams of going to university to do business, becoming a Mathematics teacher. His older brother is going to be a lawyer, so his parents respect what Joonmyun wants to do. He comes from money, but his parents aren’t concerned about his ability to continue making money.

He’s a popular second year high school student, a year ahead because of how clever he is. He doesn’t sing, but he’s in Student Council and he is good at Maths and Korean and Drama and his friends get incredibly excited for him when he tells them he got scouted for SM Entertainment. They jokily tell him that when he’s a huge popstar like TVXQ or Shinhwa they’ll buy all his albums and make him sign them. Joonmyun is relieved and thankful for their support. He wonders if he will debut and how long it’ll take him to. It’s all so weird to him, like it’s not really happening.

One day I might be a K-Popstar.

He lives at home for at least the first few months, due to being based in Seoul, unlike some of the trainees who live in dorms because they live too far away, like Korean-American Stephanie Hwang, and the few foreign trainees, and those from Busan.

There is a kind of seniority to trainees. There are some who have been there for years. Several of them are incredibly famous for mere trainees, like Kim Hyoyeon and Jessi Jung and Stella Kim. Many of the older trainees ignore the newbies, but the newer trainees are keener on friendships.

Several of the trainees who join with Joonmyun are too young to be friends with without feeling somewhat uncomfortable about it, like Jessi’s sister Krystal Jung, who uses her Korean name Soojung, and Kim Heesoo, who are thirteen, and Park Sunyoung who is fourteen, but Henry Lau and Lee Jinki were both born in 1989, although Henry has absolutely no Korean to speak of, and Kim Kibum—not the first, not the last—and Choi Minho are both the same age as Joonmyun. He strikes up quick friendships with them, though it is a nightmare trying to talk to Henry, and Jinki seems to think of him as annoying. But Minho is like a puppy and he runs around after Joonmyun, calling him, “Hyung,” like they aren’t the same age. Joonmyun finds it adorable. But, to be perfectly honest, Joonmyun finds a lot of things adorable.

Joonmyun sticks to them like glue. For the first few months there they’re all he sees. When he moves into a dorm, it’s with them and two boys from the previous year, Kim Jonghyun and Lee Taemin, another fourteen year old. Together they make seven. Seven boys all far from home, seven boys going through the trials of debuting together.

Joonmyun hopes and prays he will be put in a group with some of them. The idea of separating from them hurts.

---

He’s been there for six months when he meets him.

There have been rumours of a trainee from the previous year debuting quickly, with under a year of training under his belt. Joonmyun could only hope for such good fortune.

He doesn’t know who the trainee is until he stumbles onto Cho Kyuhyun’s late night dance practice.

They’re not supposed to be there this late, but Joonmyun knows he can’t dance and needs help training, and so he’s received permission to be there after hours, as long as he makes it home safely. But he doesn’t expect there to be another person there, just as focused on his dance moves.

Joonmyun stops in the doorway, watching for a few moments. The boy is tall and older than he is, with a young boyish face and teenage complexion—a multitude of spots. Joonmyun doesn’t recognise him, but that’s not surprising, considering how many trainees SM Entertainment has under their management. There are well over one hundred trainees, and some of them have been there for five or more years. Joonmyun feels great pity for those trainees, wondering when, if ever, they will debut. He hopes he will be more fortunate.

The boy stops dancing when he spots Joonmyun in the mirrors and grabs a towel to pat his face with before stopping the music, which Joonmyun only just realises is a Super Junior song.

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun says. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

The boy shrugs and gives him an awkward, shy smile. “It’s okay,” he says. “I was nearly done.” He sits down against the mirrors. “Are you here to practise, too?”

“Yeah,” Joonmyun says. “I can’t dance.”

“Me neither,” the boy says, and laughs wryly. “They said I’m ready to debut, I just need to get up to speed with my dancing.”

“Oh!” Joonmyun blurts out before he can help himself. “You’re the debuting trainee?”

The boy colours a little but looks mostly proud of himself. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m Cho Kyuhyun.”

“Kim Joonmyun,” Joonmyun replies. “I’m pretty new here.”

“Oh!” Kyuhyun says. “You’re Minho and Jonghyun’s friend, right? Jonghyun was my best friend when I joined.”

Joonmyun is surprised Kyuhyun’s heard of him. It must show on his face, with his wide eyes, flitting across his features, because Kyuhyun continues, “Minho talks a lot. I don’t get to see the guys much any more, but we used to spend a lot of time together. At the beginning I shared a dorm with Jonghyun and Taemin and some other guys. They’re great people.” He looks down at his hands against his knees. He looks a bit sad. Joonmyun feels the strongest urge to give him a hug, but he’s not sure if it would be appreciated or not.

“They are,” he agrees, instead. “I’m grateful I have them.” He pauses. “When you’re free, you should come and hang out with us, Kyuhyun-sshi.”

Kyuhyun gives him a grateful smile. “I’d like that,” he says, and then he scrambles to his feet. “I should head back to the dorm. I’ll see you around? Good luck practising.” And then he’s gone. Joonmyun shrugs and moves into the room, taking the Super Junior CD out and sliding in an American pop CD, and starts dancing.

---

Soon the young trainee debuts with the rest of Super Junior, turning them from a project group into a permanent one.

Joonmyun misses most of the drama due to rigorous practising. He misses how the fans wage war against Super Junior, Kyuhyun and the company. He misses how there is such savage bullying even from within Kyuhyun’s own group that he cries himself to sleep at night.

Joonmyun misses it until one day he gets a phone call to his secret mobile. The trainees aren’t supposed to have one, but they all find ways to sneak phones in from home. Joonmyun only gave his number to the boys in his dorm, and it’s supposed to be only for emergencies.

He doesn’t recognise the number, but he picks up anyway, wondering if it’s his older brother with a new one.

“H-hello,” comes a voice. It’s shaky, like the speaker is about to cry. “J-Joonmyun-sshi?”

It takes a moment for Joonmyun to place it. “Kyuhyun-sshi?”

“Yes,” Kyuhyun replies, only a little steadier. “Are you—are you busy?”

Truthfully, Joonmyun is always busy, but there is something in Kyuhyun’s voice that stops him. “No,” he says. “I’m free.”

“Can I—can I talk to you? I just—Minho and Jonghyun said you’re—you’re good to talk to.”

“Of course.” He sounds so desperate that there’s no way Joonmyun would ever refuse him.

What Joonmyun hears, about the words Kyuhyun hears from people that are supposed to be fans, the way he doesn’t feel like the other boys like him, the way he doesn’t even have a bed, he just sleeps in a tent on the floor, makes him so upset he doesn’t really know what to do. There is little he can do, just cross his fingers and make comforting noises, say encouraging things to Kyuhyun to make him feel better, stronger, about everything. “You’ll be okay,” he tells Kyuhyun. “I promise you.”

“Thank you,” Kyuhyun says, and he says goodbye and hangs up. Joonmyun feels strangely empty and wonders why.

---

After this, Kyuhyun’s phone calls become regular, as he gets used to being in a band. s become kinder to him, the fans become less frightening. Kyuhyun settles in in a way he can cope with—he’s quiet but mischievous and Joonmyun loves to listen to his escapades, to the sneaky words he said to Ryeowook, the scolding he got from Heechul-hyung, the prank he played on Donghae-hyung, the punishment Sungmin-hyung gave him. He talks about how Jungsu-sshi is warming up to him slowly, even though he still doesn’t feel comfortable calling him “hyung”. He talks about Kibum, about how he wants to play silly video games (that’s completely fine with Kyuhyun) and how they’re going to introduce him to Shim Changmin—the Shim Changmin; Choikang Changmin, Max from TVXQ. Joonmyun feels relieved that Kyuhyun has settled in in a way he would never have predicted he would.

2007 comes this way, with news of Kyuhyun’s delight at finally having a bed. Joonmyun feels the joy with him, coursing through his chest. He feels like Kyuhyun deserves it.

When Kyuhyun can, he comes and joins Joonmyun and his dorm-mates for a quiet party when they should be sleeping, just chatting together about anything and everything. Soon the polite honorifics are gone, leaving “hyung” in their wake. Joonmyun enjoys Kyuhyun’s company a lot, and he is pretty sure that Kyuhyun likes having a group of dongsaengs to boss about. They are not necessarily against the idea, even Henry, who, by now, has a good deal more Korean to manage with.

They play together, practise together, without a care in the world. Joonmyun spends so much time with his friends, the people he wishes were s, that he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Until April, when there is a car accident that nearly kills Kyuhyun and destroys Joonmyun’s focus. He doesn’t know how he can practise when his hyung, his favourite hyung, is in a coma in hospital, almost dead. There’s a possibility that if Kyuhyun wakes up, he will never sing again, and the thought almost destroys Joonmyun, because he knows what singing means to Kyuhyun. Being able to sing, if Kyuhyun couldn’t, would be one of the worst punishments Joonmyun can imagine. He doesn’t think he’d be able to.

In a rare show of disobedience, Joonmyun leaves the dorms, leaves the practice rooms, and heads to the hospital.

He’s not supposed to be there, and he knows that from the looks on the other Super Junior members’, Kyuhyun’s parents’, Kyuhyun’s manager’s faces. But nobody forces him to go home. He’s grateful for this, even if he can’t find the words to say it. They all know.

Kyuhyun, he realises, has become such a fixture in his life that he wouldn’t know what to do without him.

Once Heechul leaves the room, they allow him five minutes. He’s not alone, but he still doesn’t feel any shame at taking Kyuhyun’s hand in his and begging for him to wake up, tears blurring in his eyes. He does his best to blink them away and stay strong for Kyuhyun.

“Please,” he breathes. “You’ve got to. You’ve got to be fine. Please, for me. Please wake up, please sing again. I—I’ll give up if you don’t, and you know you don’t want that, you always tell me to stick it out because one day I’ll be awesome.”

It’s Kyuhyun’s recurring mantra these days. A reminder to Joonmyun that even though it’s only been one year, it could take years more for Joonmyun to debut, and that he should never give up or quit, no matter how hard it gets.

He knows he’s imagining it, but he faintly feels a reassuring squeeze in return, like Kyuhyun is saying, “I will.” And he can imagine Kyuhyun’s voice, whispering to him, “You’d better not quit. You will be awesome.”

It’s bad timing, but Joonmyun almost laughs through his tears, because it just feels like something Kyuhyun would do, even at a miserable time like this.

It takes a little while for Kyuhyun to wake up, when Joonmyun isn’t there, when he’s forced back to practise, but they pull him out of class to tell him. The relief he feels is unlike any he’s ever felt before, but at the same time, it almost makes him sick.

Joonmyun doesn’t get to see Kyuhyun for a few days after he gets better, but they allow him in to see him when he’s moved to a private room. His parents are there most of the time, but today they allow him privacy with Kyuhyun, and head out to buy something to eat.

Kyuhyun takes Joonmyun’s hand in his when he sits down. His skin is soft against his and Joonmyun takes deep breaths before smiling at Kyuhyun.

“You’re okay,” he breathes. “I’m so glad.”

“Mum said you threatened to quit if I couldn’t sing when I woke up,” Kyuhyun says. “You would never do that to me, right? If I couldn’t sing, I’d want you to sing for me. One day the world will know how awesome you are.”

There’s a lump in Joonmyun’s throat at the words, and he swallows it down and cracks a smile instead. “I wouldn’t want to sing if you couldn’t,” he says, honestly.

“No, don’t be mushy on me,” Kyuhyun tells him. “I’m fine. I can sing. Dad made sure of it. I’ll be able to do things in no time.”

“Can you—?” Joonmyun begins, but decides against it. It’s not the right time. “When will you be back?” he asks instead. “We miss you. I miss you.”

“I can’t walk,” Kyuhyun says. He says it without emotion, but the lump comes back into Joonmyun’s throat. “Oh, come here,” Kyuhyun adds, and tugs Joonmyun onto the bed so he can hug him. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine, and I’ll be able to dance in no time. I bet you I’ll become an even better dancer than I was before, okay? I’ll bet you on that, Joonmyun.”

Joonmyun takes the bet, just because he doesn’t know what else to say. It might not be realised for a long time, after all.

“I’ll just be glad when I see you on stage again,” he says.

Kyuhyun grins. “I’ll make sure it happens soon, don’t you worry.”

For the first time since moving into the dorms, when Joonmyun gets home from the hospital, he cries, properly, loudly, not like in the hospital. He cries from relief, but also from fear, loneliness, and a deep ache in his heart he can’t place.

Minho and Jonghyun find him, late at night, and even though they’re so boyish it hurts, they both wrap arms around him and hug him close.

“It’s okay, he got better,” they whisper, but there’s so much more to it than that.

It doesn’t take long for Joonmyun to move back home. It’s just too much for him to be away from home right now.

He’s at home when Kyuhyun finally gets let out of hospital, tottering about on spindly legs he had to relearn how to walk on, but always with that strength and determination to continue. Joonmyun feels admiration for him like he’s never felt for anyone before.

The first time Kyuhyun had walked for him, he’d almost cried again, and Kyuhyun had laughed and told him he cries more than his own mother. Joonmyun hadn’t minded. He’d just spouted Kyuhyun’s mantra back at him. One day you’ll be even more awesome.

The day Kyuhyun gets back up on stage, Joonmyun is there, in the crowd, watching, and Kyuhyun finds him and grins at him and Joonmyun feels like he can do anything.

---

2007 brings a whole new wave of trainees and the promise of a new girl group. They don’t have a name yet but there are a whole score of trainees said to be in the group. Im Yoona, Jessi, Hyoyeon, Stella, Zhang Liyin who is Chinese and who debuted the year before as a soloist, Kim Taeyeon, Park Injung, and some young girls like Seo Juhyun, Lee Hwanhee and Heo Chanmi. Son Anna should have been in it, but she’s already left, Joonmyun hears, but nobody is entirely sure about her.

This group is the biggest bit of excitement the trainees have for the whole year. Some of them even bet on the members, using up the little money they can scavenge in the hopes they can make some quick won.

As for the trainees, there’s Lee Sunkyu, who is rumoured to be Lee Sooman’s niece, Kim Minji, Kang Seulgi who is fourteen and quickly cements herself with Soojung and Choi Jinri and the other young teenagers, and the Chinese Song Qian, along with Kevin Li and Zhou Mi who are Chinese and a young boy of fifteen called Kim Jongin who Taemin is already friends with; joking it’s due to their facial similarities.

They all seem nice enough, and though Joonmyun is now one of the more senior trainees he does his best to be friendly to all of them. He spends most of his time with Jongin, due to Taemin’s influence, but he finds himself in a class with Kevin, who appears to speak English, no Korean like Henry when he started, and aspires to be an actor, as far as Joonmyun can get from hand gestures. Kevin is both taller and older than Joonmyun, but Joonmyun finds him strangely appealing, and somewhat adorable. When he realises that Kevin is considered one of the lowest trainees, and therefore open to horrendous bullying, he attempts to take Kevin under his wing.

It is not terribly successful, but he knows Kevin is grateful for his help, even though soon Kevin takes matters into his own hands and finds a Korean-American trainee, also called Kevin, to help. It’s a bit better then, but Joonmyun never takes his eyes away for long.

---

Joonmyun is a rich child, and although he has friends, he always manages to bring money into his friendships. He takes the other trainees (and Kyuhyun, when he’s available) out for meals sometimes when they’re upset, or lonely, or even just hungry. Sometimes they just need to talk.

He doesn’t realise some of the trainees think he’s trying to buy friendship until he hears some rather distasteful rumours about himself floating around the agency. He can’t find it in him to find it funny that some trainees think he is a chaebol heir, or a spy, or some sad nobody who needs to use money to gain friends.

One day he grumps about it at home and his older brother blows up, shouting about how he shouldn’t use their money that way—on lowlifes—and Joonmyun is so upset he runs back to the practice rooms.

Jongin lets him use his mobile to call his mother to ask if he can stay out that night, too angry and sad to go home, and she agrees. Joonmyun knows that he could easily ask the boys, who now have Zhou Mi as Joonmyun’s replacement dorm-mate, if he can stay with them, but everything has got to him. It’s too much. He doesn’t want to burden them.

That night he sleeps in a public bathhouse. The sleep is terrible, strangers always disturbing him with loud noises and conversations he doesn’t care about (“Did you feed the cat?” and “What do you want for your birthday?”), but he feels better enough in the morning to go home.

His brother isn’t there, which is no surprise, but Joonmyun feels less anger towards him now anyway.

“You’re the only person I know who asks permission to run away from home,” his mother teases, and Joonmyun gives a wry smile, but he’s not sure she believes him.

This is not the last fight he has with his brother, and this is not the last time that people talk badly about him, but having supportive friends—now including Jongin—is a great relief for him.

He buys Jongin a meal in return for helping him out.

Jongin approves, but it doesn’t quell any of the rumours.

---

So Nyeo Shi Dae, including the new trainee Sunkyu under the moniker Sunny, debut late 2007 and Joonmyun feels the excitement unlike any he’s felt before.

This isn’t like when Kyuhyun was debuting with Super Junior, because this is a brand new group, with trainees he knows and recognises. Stephanie Hwang, under the name Tiffany, is in it, and he always liked her, and Seo Juhyun, who is the same age as him. He hasn’t talked to her much because she’s shy and she was so much senior to him, but he knows she’s really nice as well. He knows she’s also upset that her best friend, Hwanhee, didn’t get in, but she seems to be making the best of it.

He watches how everything goes, the popularity and the instant hatred. He sees how hard they practise and how hard they diet and wonders if it’s really worth it.

But to him, the idea of debuting like this has become a dream, an ambition, even more so than becoming a teacher. He wants this badly, and he’ll make it work. He’ll debut one day. He’s promised himself.

---

Yet the fates decided that 2008 would not be the year he debuted. It is actually far worse than that, he just doesn’t know it until it’s too late.

There are rumours of a boyband to follow from So Nyeo Shi Dae, but Joonmyun hears no mentions of the potential members until almost the whole year has gone by, of him training with the new trainees—fifteen year old Oh Sehun, a child with a stoic face and far too much cuteness, fellow 1991-er Zhang Yixing who is kind and gentle and seemingly a bit of a ditz, Park Chanyeol who has an incredibly pretty face which is at odds with his booming voice and insistence on being the funniest person in the world, Kim Minseok who is far older than he looks, Seo Youngho, or John, who is Korean-American and only fourteen, though he is far taller than he should be at that age, Cho Jinho who looks like a baby and beat Minseok at the singing competition, and the only girl who seems to matter, Taiwanese-American tomboy Amber Liu.

They are all lumped together, even Amber, who hits it off with the Kevins quickly. Kevin Li seems to have taken on the nickname K.Li to distinguish from his older friend. Joonmyun finds it rather silly, but also endearing.

They spend their time together, but also sometimes in a smaller group, and that is the group—him, Jongin, Kim Moonkyu who is another of Jongin and Taemin’s friends, Chanyeol—that somehow manages to be in a music video with TVXQ, that the whole world gets to see. Joonmyun feels that maybe this is the start of something. Maybe they will be the next ones to debut, considering that people now know their faces, even if not their names.

He also discovers that TVXQ are amazing people and he does his best not to embarrass himself in front of them—and doesn’t necessarily succeed any more than the other boys.

He doesn’t notice until it’s too late that most of his old dorm-mates stopped showing up for rehearsal.

“Too late” means when SHINee debuts—Onew (Jinki-hyung), Jonghyun, Minho, Key (Kibum) and Taemin, one of the youngest boys in K-Pop.

“We’re so sorry,” Minho tells him over the phone. “There was nothing we could do about it.”

Joonmyun knows he’s right, but he still can’t help but feel betrayed. They were supposed to debut together. They were supposed to fight for this. The fact they didn’t, that they didn’t even try, hurts more than any apology can heal.

Joonmyun stubbornly refuses to talk to them for weeks, though he’s not sure they even notice, and that’s the worst part.

Instead, he phones Kyuhyun, one evening when he knows Kyuhyun is exhausted but free.

“Hyung,” he begins, but Kyuhyun cuts him off.

“Don’t worry, Myun,” he says. “You’ll debut. You just have to stick it out.”

“I wanted to debut with them so badly,” Joonmyun tells him.

“So did Henry and Zhou Mi,” Kyuhyun says. “So did I. I bet Jongin wanted to as well. You’re not alone, Joonmyun. There are others, too.”

“But I just feel like—am I not good enough yet?”

“Don’t talk like that,” Kyuhyun says sternly. “If you do, you’ll start to believe it, and it’s not true. You’ll get your chance, Joonmyun. Just stick it out. Work hard. You’ll debut one day. Stay, for me. One day you’ll be awesome.” He tacks on the last line and Joonmyun remembers when he’d started it, and remembers when he’d used it on Kyuhyun, and smiles a little to himself, even through his annoyance at all of this.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Joonmyun mutters, though it’s less angry than before. Kyuhyun tells him a joke on top of the mantra that gets Joonmyun through every day and suddenly he feels like the world is less out-to-get-him.

---

When 2009 comes, it’s been three years, and Joonmyun is still nowhere near debuting. He signs up to university in the midst of everything. University gives him something to focus on when he’s not practising. It’s worth it.

Though 2009 is also the first time Kyuhyun is able to sneak Joonmyun into his album thanks-to. They’ve been friends since the second album, and this is the third, but something is different this time.

Joonmyun tears out the page and sticks it on the wall, next to the signed CDs Kyuhyun and SHINee have given him, and smiles with hope. Throughout the future years he does this with every thanks-to he finds himself in, creating a collage that never fails to make him happy. (Especially “My love Joonmyunnie,” though he’ll never tell.)

2009 is the year of Crystal, a girl group that has been planned to perfection, despite the fact that one of its members, Son Anna, isn’t even in the company any more. That’s what he’s been hearing for years at least, since before So Nyeo Shi Dae.

The four remaining girls practise and practise and practise and then the rug is pulled out from beneath all of them as a dance group, f(x), debuts instead, without any prior warning or expectation.

Joonmyun finds it rather amusing, if he is honest with himself.

f(x) includes Krystal (Soojung) and Luna (Sunyoung), the girls who joined SM with him, Victoria (Qian) who joined after, Amber, who joined even later, and Sulli (Choi Jinri), who’s been there a lot longer than Joonmyun has. He knows all of them relatively well and enjoys their company. After being friends with 1993 and 1994ers, the young ones are no longer too young for him to comprehend friendship with, so he manages to find time to talk to them all, when they’re not practising. Strangely, he finds more time to talk to them than he can SHINee, who are too busy for him, though their cryptic good luck messages to him in their album notes were certainly well-received.

In the midst of it all, in the midst of hearing Soojung’s stories about her older sister and her group members, about stories from her childhood, and her jokes and the pranks she used to play, he realises that Soojung is rather amazing, and beautiful, and clever, and a crush blossoms within him like none he’s ever had before.

He doesn’t tell her, but he doesn’t need to.

“You like me,” she says, one day in winter, when they’re still at the practice building, running late for a concert, and she is waiting for her other members to arrive.

“Uh—yeah,” he says, not wanting to deny it.

She’s almost as tall as he is, tall and leggy for her age, and she laughs and leans to press a kiss to his cheek. “Okay,” she tells him. “I can live with that.”

He would have liked to confess to her, with a large bunch of roses, something romantic, but he thinks this is good enough. He can leave the flowers for their first month anniversary.

---

Dating Soojung is easy.

She’s only seventeen and she’s been in SM for years so he doubts she has much experience—probably no more than he has, at any rate, with his one measly girlfriend in high school—but somehow she knows what to do. She’s easygoing and relaxing and even though she’s a celebrity—and a celebrity’s younger sister—and he’s nothing but a trainee, she finds time for him. They spend weekends together, having silly dates within the company and, if she can get a good enough disguise, outside of it, watching films and going shopping.

He buys her a couple bracelet after a few months of dating and she wears it whenever they’re together, enjoying the feel of it against her skin. He wears the other one all the time. It becomes a stress-reliever for him. He’s dating Krystal Jung. Him. Short, boring, rich, him.

“I’m so glad you said yes to me,” he whispers into her hair one day, and she just laughs and pecks him on the lips.

“Why wouldn’t I have? You’re gorgeous, kind, loving—”

“Gorgeous?” he asks, blinking in surprise, because it’s not one he’s heard before.

Soojung laughs. “The other trainees call you the Second Choi Siwon, and say you look like a Greek Statue. Michael the Archangel. Junmen.”

“That has to be a lie,” Joonmyun says. “You made that up.”

“Nope,” she says, and gives him another kiss. “They’re all jealous of your good looks. Jinri told me she wishes she’d seen you first. And you should hear the boys—“

This time it’s Joonmyun’s turn to shut her up with a kiss.

“I don’t want anyone else,” he whispers against , “just you.”

---

And then Super Junior M debuts, with Henry and Zhou Mi, and suddenly all of Joonmyun’s close friends have left him, except for Jongin.

“It’s okay,” Jongin assures him, a broken record of everything people have been saying to Joonmyun for years. “We’ll be fine.”

“It’s okay,” Kyuhyun echoes, later on, but it’s fine for him, because he was friends with Henry and Zhou Mi too, and now he’s in a group with them. In a foreign country, maybe, but it’s still happening. It’s not all bad for him. He hasn’t been left alone.

He tells Kyuhyun about the overwhelming feeling of loneliness deep within him, and Kyuhyun manages to leave whatever he’s doing to come and find Joonmyun. He takes Joonmyun’s hand and holds him close.

“I promise you, you’re not alone,” Kyuhyun says, into Joonmyun’s hair. “You’ve got Jongin. You’ve got the other trainees. Joonmyun, you’re amazing. You will debut, I can assure you of that. It might take years but as long as you stick it out, you’ll get there. Don’t be the trainee who drops out. Besides, when would I ever get to see you if you left?”

“Oh, great,” Joonmyun says grumpily, face smashed into Kyuhyun’s jumper. “You want me around so you can see my face.”

“And what a wonderful face it is, even if I can’t see it right now,” Kyuhyun teases. “I would miss you far too much if you left, you know.”

Joonmyun thinks of everything they’ve said or done to each other and knows that he would. “I won’t leave,” he says. “I’ve given up too much of my life.” He sighs. “Look after Henry and Zhou Mi-hyung well.”

“Of course I will,” Kyuhyun says, puffing his chest up. “You can count on me.”

Joonmyun doesn’t want to tell him that he does, anyway.

---

In 2010, SM Entertainment starts making noises about a new boyband to follow on from f(x). It starts under the project name of M1, just like So Nyeo Shi Dae had.

Joonmyun has been passed over so many times now, for temporary groups that never amounted to anything, and for SHINee, where all his friends had debuted without him. So when a list of potential members is leaked, he is rather shocked to discover his name on there.

Maybe this will finally be his chance.

The list has mostly Korean trainees; names he knows, names he doesn’t, but there is at least one person on there he knows is Chinese—Zhang Yixing. Joonmyun has never actually spoken to Yixing, despite having been in the same practice group at least once before, but he knows that he is the same age as him and an excellent dancer and Joonmyun wonders if he would be able to give him some pointers. He believes Liu Chao to also be Chinese. He’s friends with Zhou Mi. Super Junior M are doing well, from what Joonmyun has heard. He does wish it had been him, though.

Also on the list is Jongin, as Joonmyun smiles at the thought of debuting with him, his little baby who has helped him so much in his times of need. There are also Kim Moonkyu, another friend of Jongin’s, who Joonmyun would love to debut with, Chanyeol, who is probably ready to debut, and Jinho, who is a precious little dear and deserves to debut.

Nothing more seems to come from this announcement of a new group, just a surge of hope, of promise, and a desire to do better, to get in.

New trainees join during the announcements. Do Kyungsoo, who is far less scared than he looks, Lu Han, who is much older than he looks, and Huang Zitao, who is a lot more adorable than he looks. Joonmyun decides that even though they may not debut together, he should try and make friends with them in case one or more of them do end up in the same group. Plus the trainee/idol friendships are some of the best. Just look at his relationships with SHINee and Kyuhyun.

Kyungsoo quickly becomes one of his favourite people, always joking around with Chanyeol, and, by extension, Sehun, who is never too far from his best friend-slash-partner-in-crime, and pretending that he isn’t. He’s a good cook, but he rarely gets a chance to show it, and he’s a great person to talk to. Joonmyun may or may not share secrets with him, because he would never betray them.

Lu Han is incredibly pretty for such a manly person. He likes football and insists he has muscles and loathes being called pretty and Joonmyun feels the tingling of a crush growing in his veins and tamps it down before it grows into anything. He only likes Soojung anyway.

Zitao is tall and looks terrifying, with a dark complexion and visage. He does Martial Arts and looks like the kind of pierced goth who Joonmyun has been taught is no good.

But the first time Joonmyun sees him alone, he pouts and gives him the saddest look Joonmyun has ever seen.

“Hey,” Joonmyun says gently, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Zitao says, and sticks out his lower lip.

“What’s wrong?” Joonmyun tries.

“I’m scared,” Zitao says, and then stops. He frowns, and Joonmyun supposes he’s trying to find the words. “People are—” Then he shakes his head, cutting himself off.

Joonmyun knows how harsh the other trainees can be, especially to the Chinese trainees. They were always horrible to K.Li, though Yixing and Liu Chao seemed to manage a bit better and as far as he can tell Lu Han seems to be okay.

“It’ll be okay,” Joonmyun says gently and earnestly, suddenly wanting to do everything in his power to protect this little boy who only looks scarier than he is. He couldn’t protect Kevin, maybe he’ll be able to with Zitao. “I’ll protect you.”

Zitao’s eyes water and overflow and he throws himself at Joonmyun, pulling him into a hug. “Thank you! Thank you! Fei chang gan xie!”

“I can introduce you to some of the other Chinese trainees, too?” Joonmyun offers. “And Zhou Mi—Zhou Mi would love to meet you I’m sure.”

“You are good!” Zitao enthuses, once he’s let go of Joonmyun. “Who are you?” He says it as formally as he can but it still sounds strange.

Joonmyun smiles. “I’m Kim Joonmyun,” he introduces himself. “1991.”

“I am Huang Zitao,” Zitao says, his voice all tones that Joonmyun can’t possibly follow. “You are...Junmahao.” He frowns and tries again. “Junmunhao. Junma—“

“It’s okay,” Joonmyun assures him. “Anything is fine.”

Zitao smiles widely and Joonmyun is pretty sure he’s made a friend for life in just a few short minutes. He links hands with Zitao and leads him out of the room and down the corridor, fully intending on helping him make more.

---

People are added to the list and removed all the time. Kevin Shin gets added, and K.Li, but Seo Youngho and Liu Chao are removed. Jinho, poor little Jinho, is also removed—though that one is somewhat bittersweet considering that he debuts at the end of the year with Kyuhyun, Jonghyun and Jay Kim from TRAX in a temporary project group. He gets a taste of the limelight for a few months and then is relegated back to trainee level.

Kyuhyun spends the rest of forever talking about how adorable Jinho is and Joonmyun feels a strange kind of jealousy he doesn’t really understand.

At the same time, Joonmyun’s name never leaves the list. He interrupts Kyuhyun’s rambles about Jinho to say, “Hyung, I’m still there, still on the list. I think—I don’t want to jinx it, but I think it might finally be happening.” It’s about time, he thinks. Four years is long enough.

“I’m so proud of you,” Kyuhyun says. “I knew you could do it.”

M1 suddenly gets split into two, M1 and M2. The remaining trainees are brought together for the explanation. Joonmyun looks around at a group of people he recognises; Jongin, the Kevins, Chanyeol, Yixing, Lu Han, Zitao, Kyungsoo, Sehun, Minseok, Moonkyu, Yoo Chisoo, Choi Junghun. He realises that this room of fourteen trainees could become a group. He feels joy at this very idea.

“There are two groups, but ultimately one big group,” it is explained to them. “Think of Super Junior and Super Junior M, but rather than be a subgroup, they are both equal. One will promote in China and one in Korea, but they will come together to promote as one.”

There are only four Chinese boys, now Liu Chao is out of the lineup, so Joonmyun doesn’t understand.

“There will be seven members in each group. In the Chinese group the Korean trainees will need to learn Chinese. Are there any members who would like to?”

Kyungsoo’s hand, to Joonmyun’s utmost surprise, s itself into the air. Chanyeol’s face immediately falls, and Joonmyun can see Sehun reach out to slide his hand into the older boy’s.

Joonmyun looks around to see if there are any other volunteers. Choi Junghun’s hand is nervously raised, and Kevin Shin also has his hand up.

The managers separate them into these groups to practise, to see how well they gel. For the moment, Joonmyun is in a group with Jongin, Chanyeol, Sehun, Minseok, Chisoo and Moonkyu.

“Joonmyun and Yixing are the leaders for the training period,” comes the announcement, and Joonmyun feels almost like his stomach has fallen to his feet. Neither of them are the oldest in their groups, so it doesn’t really make any sense to him. They’re just two twenty year olds. How can they lead?

He gulps, turns to face the rest of the group, and begins to take charge.

---
 

“So I heard someone is a leader?” Kyuhyun crows later that night. Joonmyun is practising late as always and he had realised that there was someone watching through the square of glass in the door. It’s Kyuhyun, as it usually is.

“Just for the training period,” Joonmyun tells him. “It’s nothing really. I don’t really have to do much except keep order, make sure they’re dancing properly, you know the sort.”

“If you want I can hook you up with a couple of the other leaders?” Kyuhyun offers, and then pats him on the back. “This will do you good, you know.”

Joonmyun doesn’t think he will be the leader when they’re finished, but something inspires him to take Kyuhyun’s offer anyway. Since Jungsu has started looking after Kyuhyun properly, Joonmyun has begun to feel a great respect for him, and to be quite honest, he has always liked Yunho.

When he meets them, they are both kind and gentle with him, which doesn’t surprise him about Yunho but does for Jungsu. They give him so much advice that he comes out heavy-headed but satisfied, and he hugs Kyuhyun close to him gratefully. He now knows better what to do with the other boys.

And it works. The others listen to him, or for the most part, at least, and practice goes smoothly whenever he’s in charge.

---

Joonmyun doesn’t pay any attention to the new trainees in 2011. As far as he’s concerned, these are the members he will be debuting with, and he says as much to Kyuhyun.

But he realises he shouldn’t have been quite so dismissive when Moonkyu drops out, Chisoo gets cut, and Junghun realises that Chinese is too hard for him.

The two new trainees are Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongdae. They are both about to be added into Joonmyun’s group when Jongdae volunteers to join the Chinese group, M2.

This causes the managers to do a mass shuffle, and somehow Kyungsoo, to his annoyance, ends up in Joonmyun’s and Minseok, who is scared, is put into Yixing’s.

“These are the groups,” they are told. “They will not change.”

“I don’t want to be the leader,” Yixing says. “I think one of the older members should.”

“You’re really good at leading us, Xing,” K.Li says, but Yixing shakes his head.

“I think you’d be better,” he says.

“Maybe Kevin, as he’s the oldest?” Minseok offers.

Kevin Shin stands tall for a moment, before—

“Jiaheng can speak four languages, he’s a better fit,” Yixing argues.

At the use of his original Chinese name, Kevin makes a face that Joonmyun doesn’t like at all. Not many know but although he still goes by K.Li, he changed his name at the beginning of the year with his mother’s help. Li Jiaheng is no more.

But that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that the managers agree, and leadership is passed onto K.Li.

Joonmyun doesn’t protest leadership. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are better singers than he is, and Jongin and Chanyeol are better rappers, and Sehun is better looking. Without being the leader, he has no role within the group. Plus he’s trained for this. And he’s spent five years wanting this.

These thirteen members make up the group. These thirteen.

Until Kevin Shin drops out and they’re down to twelve.

EXO. EXO-K. EXO-M. But ultimately EXO.

We are One.

---

They practise for months before they start recording and filming. Some of them keep their real names. K.Li is now Wu Yifan, and Kris, despite his attempts at Ace. Joonmyun finds himself Guardian Suho. He likes it. He’s the leader of all twelve of them, despite being younger than several of them and, if he’s honest, not respected by all of them. But he’s happy anyway.

“You’d better not mess up,” is all he hears.

At the end of 2011, the first teaser is released. Of Jongin—Kai. And then, steadily throughout the end of the year and the beginning of 2012, the rest of them are introduced, culminating in the first pre-release single. Zitao is Tao, Jongdae is Chen, Minseok is Xiumin, Kyungsoo is D.O., Yixing is Lay. Joonmyun is one of the last to be introduced, along with fellow leader Kris. Calling him Kris is weird, so Joonmyun tries to familiarise himself with “Yifan”. Sometimes he slips up, but the elder doesn’t seem to mind when Joonmyun calls him Kevin.

Joonmyun works as hard as he can through everything, to show the best side of himself to the future fans. Some of them will be his fans, and the idea scares him so much, but he’s also so, so excited for everything.

He made it, he’s debuting, after six long years.

“You had better sign our albums,” he remembers his school friends saying. He wonders if they even remember themselves.

But now it’s Kyuhyun, pressing his face into Joonmyun’s hair as Joonmyun’s flails gleefully, who says, “I’ve given you signed CDs, now it’s your turn.”

“Of course I will,” Joonmyun promises. “You and my mother will be the first.”

Kyuhyun grins, self-satisfied, and then drags Joonmyun, by the hand, out of the training rooms and out for lunch.

---

The second song is released in March (Joonmyun doesn’t count the first as he wasn’t in it), and it’s the first time since the HaHaHa Song that Joonmyun has been properly filmed doing something. And this time it’s something exciting, and he likes the song, and he gets lines in it, and it’s all sorts of awesome. It ups his spirits for debut.

“You sound great,” Kyuhyun tells him, “and your dancing has come on so far since 2006.”

“Of course it would,” Joonmyun argues. “It’s been six years.” But both of them know he’s still not even as good as Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun isn’t as good as he wants to be.

The compliment about his singing is also flattering, because he knows that Jongdae, Lu Han, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are all far better than he is. But then again, Kyuhyun is biased, and both of them know it.

“Will you watch our debut performance?” Joonmyun asks him, biting his lip nervously.

“Of course I will,” Kyuhyun assures him. “I’ll watch your showcases, too.”

It’s less frightening to ask Soojung, although he doesn’t know why.

She laughs when he asks, but it’s easy, friendly. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she assures him, and gives him another kiss. She can’t watch the showcases, though, she apologises. Too busy with f(x)’s comeback. “But I’ll try to watch them when they’re uploaded later. I will make time, Joonmyun.”

He tells her it doesn’t matter, but he’s lying.

They have their showcase at the end of March and beginning of April, before their music video for their title song, MAMA, and mini album are released.

Jungsu is the host, and he teases Joonmyun through it, asking him questions that Joonmyun has rehearsed so many times they come out wooden. He suddenly realises, standing in front of spotlights and an audience of thousands of people, how hard it is to be leader and spokesperson, and how much he loves it.

Plus, knowing Kyuhyun is watching somewhere makes it easier.

Joonmyun makes bad jokes and plays along with Jungsu and touches all s and gets the first taste of the fans—coos, when he talks about his crush on Lu Han, and cheers of Kiss him! when he tells the world about our Kai. The whole experience is new and exciting and Joonmyun loves every moment of it.

Their music is released shortly after and they have their first performance on a music show, just the six of them. EXO-M are in China doing the same, and doing remarkably better than their Korean counterparts—even with the assumption they are Korean and trying to invade a foreign market.

EXO-K’s debut stages are, if Joonmyun is honest, awful. They dance out of sync, their voices crack, they go off pitch, and they promise they will do better, but Joonmyun is still satisfied. He’s not a perfectionist like Kyungsoo, even if he seems the sort.

They do get better, and as they perform better, all over Korea, getting invited overseas, on their own or with SMTown—London, Taiwan, Tokyo, USA, Singapore, Bangkok—, they become more popular, and more of their albums are sold—from the initial family and friends handful of personally signed CDs to those for fansigns to those for casual listeners. Kyuhyun assures him he listens to his on repeat, and Soojung plays her copy in the car on her way to schedules until the other members of f(x) scream at her to stop. Even Joonmyun’s mother plays hers regularly, boasting about her son’s achievements.

Joonmyun’s friends do remember, a few months after debut, and Joonmyun ends up searching for addresses to send more to.

With his first salary, Joonmyun buys Kyuhyun a warm pullover, Soojung a silver necklace, and EXO a big meat dinner, and feels perfectly satisfied.

Their fanbase grows, teenage girls and some boys turning up at events to scream their names, and they gain adverts for things; doing TV adverts and models for clothing and makeup brands, and Joonmyun knows it was worth it. Suddenly he’s even more grateful to Kyuhyun, Soojung, Jongin and all the others for assuring him that he should stay there, that one day he would debut, because he did. He’s made it.

---

They win awards, travel, model, and do all sorts of exciting things during that first year that Joonmyun never thought he’d get to do, although they only promote one song. They perform at the end of year Gayos and Kyuhyun and Soojung come to give him hugs afterwards.

It has been hard to see either of them, except at SMTown concerts. They’re all busy now. He’s barely spoken to Soojung this year, let alone kissed her as much as he’d like. He hadn’t realised how hard it is to date someone when you’re both celebrities. He’d thought it would be harder to date a non-celebrity. He realises just how lucky he was that they got to see each other when he was a trainee.

But he does love Soojung, and he would never want to leave her over something silly like this. The time they do get together is enough for him. He can’t imagine how hard it would be for someone like Kyuhyun, who only dates other celebrities from outside of SM. Kyuhyun barely sees Joonmyun, let alone his own girlfriend.

He does still see Kyuhyun more than he does Soojung, as sometimes Kyuhyun invites him along for drinking nights and meals out when they’re both free, and he doesn’t intend to bring it up, but somehow it’s said and Soojung gets strangely moody about it.

“I’ll try and make time,” she says.

“I will, as well,” Joonmyun assures her. “We’re practising for our comeback, but there should be time. We can make it a New Year’s Resolution?”

She smiles at him and nods her head. “I think we should try, at least.”

---

2013 is the year of promoting as 12, of Wolf, of Growl, of music show wins and of first experiences and private dates whenever there is time, of big award wins (they received album of the year multiple times; "We will remember this exact time, 2013, Friday, November 22nd at 11:44pm,") and over a million albums sold, of their first TV show, of crazy fanbases and sasaeng fans, and it is one of the best years of Joonmyun’s life.

He sees Soojung a lot more, especially as EXO and f(x) promote together. He gets to go to America again, to perform at more large and crazy concerts. He meets foreign fans who try their best at Korean and tell him he is their favourite member. He gets to see Kyuhyun sometimes, but it’s never as often as he would like. He gets to go to Super Show 5 in London and the MTV EMAs in Amsterdam with Yifan, and pretend to be a fan like the old days. He takes so many selcas he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

2013 is a great year that flashes by with late night phone calls and whispered confessions of love and even with all the bad things that happen, all the injuries in airports, all the sasaeng fans that stalk them to weddings and parties and dates, Joonmyun would never change what he is, what he has, for the world. Even if he does try and write messages to the sasaeng fans urging them to stop, to dead ears like always, but he tried and that’s what matters.

2014 is different. 2014 is the year they become cemented as one of the biggest Korean boybands around, one of the best, one of the most wanted for modelling, TV shows, music videos, dramas. 2014 is the year that they win even more big awards and hold their first solo concert and it’s the year when things Joonmyun would never think would happen do, actually, happen.

---

It comes completely out of the blue in mid-2014.

It’s after an SMTown concert one night, when both of them have had their makeup wiped off and they are in their own clothes. Joonmyun is still elated from a brilliant night, and he’s enthusing about how much fun he had, and how great it was when Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi came over to hug him on stage because sometimes he feels like he never sees either of them any more, even though Zhou Mi is always around the studios somewhere. But Kyuhyun is too busy for him most of the time, these days. It’s not like 2012 any more. The hugs, the hand-holding, he misses it.

“I think we should break up,” Soojung interrupts him.

Joonmyun stops dead in his tracks, but otherwise can’t do anything but gape at her. He hadn’t seen it coming. Not in the middle of his excitement, at any rate. Not after four years of nothing ever being wrong.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “But I can’t do this any more. We have to break up. I’ve been ignoring it for too long.”

“I don’t understand,” Joonmyun chokes out. He can’t breathe. The shock is too much for him, too sudden.

“And that’s the problem,” Soojung says. “Think about it.” And then she turns and marches away, without giving him time to argue, tall and strong and no longer his fantastic girlfriend.

Joonmyun takes a deep breath but he’s not sure it helps. He doesn’t want his band-mates to see him like this, in this strange state of confusion and shock, so he searches for Kyuhyun.

He finds him in a small room with Donghae, Changmin, Minho and Ryeowook, but he jumps to his feet when he sees the state Joonmyun is in, and waves to the other men before shepherding Joonmyun out the door.

They walk down the corridor in silence until they find an empty room, and the dam breaks—not necessarily because he’s upset but more because he’s so confused he doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Joonmyun brings his hands up to his eyes but his tears fall faster than he can brush them away. He takes a few deep breaths, feeling frustrated that he can’t stop crying. It’s not—it’s not the end of the world, not really.

“What’s wrong, Myunnie?” Kyuhyun asks gently, carefully, the way he always speaks with Joonmyun these days. Joonmyun wants to tell him to stop, but it’s rather comforting right now.

“Soojung broke up with me,” Joonmyun tells him.

“Oh—Myun—” Kyuhyun says, and sighs. He doesn’t reach out for him. He looks like he doesn’t quite know what to do.

“I don’t understand,” Joonmyun says, quivering a little. “We were good together, right? Why did she have to break up with me?”

Kyuhyun shrugs, though he looks a little worried—he probably doesn’t know what to do with a crying Joonmyun. Joonmyun would feel pity for him if he wasn’t so busy trying to stop this. “The fans were starting to realise, I suppose.”

Joonmyun bites his lip. “But she didn’t have to break up with me because of that, we could have hidden it better. We’ve hidden it for so many years, since long before EXO.” He rests against the wall and covers his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun says, and gently pulls Joonmyun’s hands from his face. He pushes Joonmyun’s head towards his shoulder and Joonmyun goes willingly, sinking into his embrace and snuggling further. Kyuhyun’s arms come up behind his back, holding him gently in place, and Joonmyun feels cemented and secure for the first time in a while.

“Thank you,” Joonmyun breathes into Kyuhyun’s shoulder when the shaking has stopped, when everything is calm again.

“It’s okay,” Kyuhyun assures him. “It’ll be okay. There are other people. You’ll find somebody else. It’s Soojung’s loss. Maybe the next one won’t be spotted so easily by the fans.”

“I hope that’ll be the case,” Joonmyun says. “I’d like to be able to date without it being noticed, but I think they’d notice anything.”

“Unless it was unexpected,” Kyuhyun says. “Somebody they wouldn’t expect, like a friend.”

“Soojung was my friend,” Joonmyun argues, bristling at the idea that somehow she wasn’t.

“I didn’t mean like that,” Kyuhyun argues, but he doesn’t look at Joonmyun as he says it. He lets go of Joonmyun and turns away from him. “Not like that.”

“I don’t know what you mean, then,” Joonmyun says, and he frowns, looking up at the back of Kyuhyun’s head like it will somehow explain everything for him. “I don’t understand.”

Kyuhyun turns back to face him and shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry. You’ll find someone who likes you. If you look around you might see something.”

It’s weird, phrased like that, but Joonmyun doesn’t think anything of it, he’s too busy remembering Soojung’s words—to think about why they broke up. He just hopes that Kyuhyun is right. He’d dated Soojung for so long. He doesn’t want to be alone after that.

Kyuhyun sighs. “I guess I’ll let you think,” he says. “It might come to you.”

That jars something in Joonmyun and he looks up at Kyuhyun. “Soojung said something like that,” he says. “She said—she said I needed to think about it, to realise why she broke up with me.”

“It was good advice,” Kyuhyun says. “I think we’re talking about the same thing.”

“But—” Joonmyun shakes his head. “I just don’t understand? She...she broke up with me because someone else likes me?” he adds, piecing it all together.

“I would say that’s a possibility,” Kyuhyun says. “Though that may be a strange way of thinking about it.”

“But we weren’t talking about that, we were talking about the concert. I was talking about how you—“ And then he stops, mid-sentence, as it hits him. She almost threw the breakup at him when he was talking about Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun.

“Oh,” he breathes, as it sinks in.

He spins away from Kyuhyun, sliding his hands into his hair to grab at his scalp, all but tearing hair away. This can’t be happening, he thinks. I must be dreaming.

But Kyuhyun’s still there when he turns back, looking a little sheepish, but mostly not at Joonmyun. And Joonmyun kind of understands.

Yet he doesn’t know what to do, to think, to say.

“I would say I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun says, “but I’m kind of not.”

Joonmyun bites his lip. “I—“ he begins, and then stops. He’s said I don’t understand far too many times today.

How had he not noticed? Had Kyuhyun given him any signs? Then again, their whole relationship could be taken as a sign, couldn’t it? Everything Kyuhyun has ever done for him throughout the past eight years blares suddenly, like a signal. Suddenly Joonmyun has context for this, for Kyuhyun’s overwhelming kindness towards him over the past eight years, his insistence on sticking with Joonmyun whenever possible and his assurance that Joonmyun will debut just as long as he stays—with him.

Joonmyun stops for a second, just to rationalise it.

Kyuhyun likes me.

It’s weird to think that about a friend like Kyuhyun, someone he’s known for so long he feels he’s closer than a friend—though he’s not sure he likes Kyuhyun the same way Kyuhyun likes him.

Except it’s no different from him liking Soojung, just that Kyuhyun is a man.

At the same time, part of him wonders if he could grow to like him. He’s never wanted to date a man before, but he’s not homophobic. He’s never had an issue with men liking men.

He’d just never thought it’d be him who would be liked. Isn’t that a homophobic man’s worst nightmare? Isn’t that their argument against all gay friends? “Do you like me?”

It’s never “yes”, except it is right now.

But he knows how it feels, to like someone for so long before they like you back, before you start dating someone, due to how long it took him to even confess to Soojung. He can understand how nervous Kyuhyun seems to be, how careful he is. He doesn’t want to do anything to make Joonmyun not want him, not want to be friends with him any more. Joonmyun thinks he might even be a little scared, and the way he’s not looking at him seems to confirm that. Kyuhyun is scared of what he’ll do.

“I don’t know what to say,” Joonmyun tries again, once he’s sure his voice won’t tremble.

Kyuhyun makes a kind of worried expression. “You don’t have to say anything now,” he says, hurriedly, almost forcing it out. “I don’t expect anything from you. Take your time. I know it’s—it’s big.”

Strangely, these words settle Joonmyun a little, and he relaxes.

“Why me?” he manages.

“Why did you like Soojung?” Kyuhyun counters. “Why does anyone like anyone?”

It’s a good enough answer as any, Joonmyun supposes.

“I didn’t—“ Kyuhyun begins, and then stops. He continues, awkwardly, “It wasn’t like I, you know. It just happened. It was just you.”

Even with all the stops in his sentences, Joonmyun understands. He knows what Kyuhyun means. And the fact that Kyuhyun wasn’t gay—bi?—before him is also strangely relieving.

“How long?” he asks, but that doesn’t prepare him for the answer.

“A long time,” Kyuhyun tells him. “A long, long time.”

“Before...before Soojung?” Joonmyun asks, almost nervously.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun says. He sounds a tiny bit ashamed. Joonmyun dated Soojung for four years, so Joonmyun isn’t entirely surprised.

Kyuhyun’s dated other people during that time, Joonmyun knows that. Some celebrities (notably Han Seungyeon from KARA), some non-celebrities. All girls. Joonmyun wonders how much of that was for show. Part of him wonders if Kyuhyun thought of him when he was kissing them. He can’t bring himself to think of what else Kyuhyun could have been doing with them.

There’s nothing Joonmyun can think to ask Kyuhyun that won’t make himself uncomfortable, so he just looks up at the elder, following his features with his eyes as Kyuhyun looks away and fidgets. Kyuhyun isn’t a bad-looking guy, not now he’s grown up and into himself. There’s little left that speaks of the shy teenager with the spots, not fitting into his group and not knowing what to do with himself but hold hands with Joonmyun.

Joonmyun realises he basically grew up with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun wasn’t always there for him; sometimes he was too busy, but they always found time if it was important. Kyuhyun had always answered his calls even if he was exhausted, and he the same.

And Kyuhyun still managed to fall for him.

This is...well, it’s not something Joonmyun can really understand yet, after just learning of it, but he knows better than to make a fuss. He isn’t going to blow up about it; there’s nothing inherently wrong or bad with this knowledge, or with the act itself, of Kyuhyun liking him. There’s just nothing Joonmyun can do about it yet.

He doesn’t want to lose Kyuhyun over something so—well, at the moment, it just feels small, despite the magnitude of a friend liking him.

“I’m lonely and I feel terrible,” Joonmyun says, matter-of-factly.

Kyuhyun winces, as if expecting the worst, but Joonmyun just slides back into the warmth of his his arms, burying his face into the woollen jumper Kyuhyun’s wearing. Joonmyun realises belatedly that this is the jumper he’d bought Kyuhyun with his first salary and thinks that has to be a sign. He should have seen something coming.

“Oh,” Kyuhyun says, and wraps his arms back around Joonmyun. He rests his head lightly on top of Joonmyun’s. “You don’t hate me, then?”

“No,” Joonmyun says, and snuggles further into Kyuhyun’s chest.

“Good,” Kyuhyun replies into Joonmyun’s hair. “I can live with that.”

---

It takes a while after this for Joonmyun to come to terms with everything. He avoids Soojung, and stays away from Kyuhyun whilst he gets his head around the whole thing. He doesn’t mention it to his band-mates because it’s not his secret to tell. Plus he doesn’t want to discover who in EXO is homophobic behind all the skinship and overt affection. He doesn’t want to have to deal with that.

He thinks a lot about Kyuhyun and his personality, his face, trying to come to terms with whether he could, one day, like him. He comes to the conclusion, after weeks of pondering amidst dance practice, that maybe he wouldn’t be against it. Kyuhyun is a handsome person—he’d even thought it before. Suddenly the idea of kissing him, being with him, becomes appealing. Kyuhyun’s lips are rather nice lips, after all.

It’s not like Joonmyun suddenly finds an attraction to Kyuhyun that had been there the whole time. It’s not a romance plot. This feeling is different from what he’d known before. He’s never had to do something like this, to make such a decisive move in a relationship before. After all, he and Soojung had just—had just begun, without any kind of fanfare.

He decides that he’s not opposed to trying. 

He doesn’t want to go up to him and say, “Kiss me,” or something clichéd for those sorts of moments, and he doesn’t really want to kiss Kyuhyun first, considering he’s still new to these feelings. But he—he wants. He needs to find a way to bring it up. He needs to find Kyuhyun.

He hunts around the SM building during his free time, having made up his mind to do it today, in private somewhere where nobody will see.

“Have you seen Kyuhyun-hyung?” he asks everyone he sees. Jinho, Stephanie, Qian. They all shake their heads and point him on towards the next person.

It takes him almost his whole break to find Kyuhyun, in one of the furthest practice rooms, courtesy of Yunho.

“I think he was going to dance himself to death,” he tells Joonmyun. “I think he could probably do with a cool-down. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, Joonmyun.”

“I will,” Joonmyun assures him, though he isn’t sure if kissing counts as stupid, and he’s not willing to ask.

He waits in the doorway until Kyuhyun notices, just the way they always wait for each other. It’s become a tradition between them, over the past eight years since they first met, just like this.

“Hey, Hyung,” Joonmyun says.

Kyuhyun stops in his tracks, and turns to face Joonmyun for a few moments. He’s sweating and wide-eyed and Joonmyun feels his heart beat just a little bit faster. He’s had crushes. Soojung, Lu Han, people in school, but nobody made his heart beat like this. He’d just needed the time away, the time alone, to see it. To understand.

“Hey,” Kyuhyun replies, after a few moments, before he grabs a towel and dabs at his face, before stopping the music. He looks worried. “It’s—it’s been a while since I last saw you,” Kyuhyun says. He sounds nervous, even though he knows Joonmyun isn’t mad at him.

“I’ve had a lot to think about,” Joonmyun said. “And I—I’ve come to a realisation.”

Kyuhyun seems to grow even stiller than he was before as Joonmyun steps forward and into his space. Joonmyun pauses for a moment, to make sure Kyuhyun doesn’t pull away, before slipping arms around Kyuhyun’s waist again. Kyuhyun’s breath hitches, before he wraps arms around Joonmyun in return.

Joonmyun is no good at being coy. Soojung—he no longer feels anything at all when he thinks of her, which is most definitely a good thing—always said that—he was good at one thing and that’s being adorable. But he has to try.

He pulls back from Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun looks a little stunned for a moment, before Joonmyun bats his eyelashes at him and tries his best to exude aegyo and desirability.

Kyuhyun remains stunned for a few more moments before he laughs. “What are you doing?” he asks.

Joonmyun pouts, sticking his lower lip out and frowning. “You’re spoiling the moment,” he grumbles.

“It was already spoilt,” Kyuhyun argues. “You spoilt it with that face of yours.”

Joonmyun tries his best to look sad, but it doesn’t work. He’s too happy, and he buries his face into Kyuhyun’s sweat-soaked shirt and laughs. Kyuhyun pats Joonmyun on the shoulder until Joonmyun pulls away, grinning up at him. “There’s something I want to do,” Joonmyun says. “I’ve been thinking about it.”

Kyuhyun furrows his brow in confusion at the same time as his features lighten, hope dawning. He looks like he both understands and doesn’t and it’s so adorable Joonmyun can’t think to wait even a moment more.

He darts into Kyuhyun’s space and presses his mouth very carefully against Kyuhyun’s.

Kyuhyun seems shocked at first, and Joonmyun pulls back with a frown and a bit of worry in his movements. Clearly he wasn’t wrong unless this was all one big joke—but no, that would make no sense because who keeps a joke going for this long? But if it were all a big joke—

But he needn’t have worried because a moment later Kyuhyun slides his arms around Joonmyun’s waist and pulls him up a bit to kiss him at a better angle, mouths moving slickly together, and Joonmyun is pretty much very all right with this.

They kiss for some time, mouths hot and wet. At some point Kyuhyun traces Joonmyun’s lips with his tongue and Joonmyun opens for him willingly, welcoming the entrance. They kiss and kiss until they run out of breath and they pull apart, saliva strings connecting their mouths. Kyuhyun looks dazed and unsure of anything. Joonmyun thinks he probably doesn’t look any better. That was not what he had been expecting.

“You can kiss well, I guess you can stay,” Joonmyun jokes once he’s got his breath back.

Kyuhyun makes a strange noise and jabs his face into Joonmyun’s hair. Joonmyun supposes he’s happy, but he wouldn’t really know because he can’t see him.

It doesn’t matter. They have much more time ahead of them, and Joonmyun doesn’t suppose that Kyuhyun will break up with him because of a stupid reason like the public realising they’re dating (not that that was ever Soojung’s reason, he realises, it’s just a convenient excuse), because he doesn’t believe the public will ever realise. Just as long as they’re never caught by Dispatch, and they stay subtle, only hand-holding in public like they already do, they’ll be good.