Day 1

Misah. According to my umma, my name comes from mi-ingwa sarang. Beauty and love. However, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I never felt that my name fit me at all. I couldn’t call myself beautiful. All I ever see when I look in the mirror are imperfections, piles and piles of imperfections; therefore, I couldn’t love myself either. How could I when all I thought about myself was that I was an ugly lump of dirt?

It was lunch break in school. I hated lunch break the most because it was the time when people were the harshest with their comments. There was no one to stop them, not that the teachers’ warnings during class did anything to make the insults come any less. I guess it was just the idea that there were fewer teachers to watch us during lunch so the other students felt they could get away with even more.

They were serving doenjang jjigae for lunch today. It’s my favorite food ever, even more than chocolate. If I was ever forced to eat a single meal for the rest of my life, it would be doenjang jjigae with rice. I was about to get my rice when I looked up to the lunch lady who was serving it and gave her a small smile.

“Wah.” I heard the girl behind me gasp in shock. “Do you really eat that much rice?” I looked at the scoop of rice the lunch lady was about to serve me and, believe it or not, it was bigger than the usual serving she gave to the other kids, probably about two times more. She normally gave me that much, though. “Can you finish that?”

“A-ani.” I managed to peep out. I timidly looked at the lunch lady who stared at my back with apologetic eyes and gave me the normal amount. After getting the rest of my food, I scurried off to find a table. I remembered this time to take small steps on my tiptoes as lightly as possible so I wouldn’t get laughed at for making the floor shake again.

I found myself walking, but more like tiptoeing, to my familiar table at the corner of the lunchroom. I say mine because everyone refuses to sit near me. They think that if anyone else sits at the table, it would probably break from all the weight. Even though I was alone and in the corner, I couldn’t help but feel everyone’s attention was still directed at me.

With my head down to stare at my food, I felt eyes burning through my skin in every direction as if they were anticipating the next move I made. How much food could I stuff into the dark abyss I called a mouth? What did I look like when I ate? I bet they were all curious.

“Che.” Someone’s snicker broke me out of my train of thought and forced me to look up. There was Jihoon, the school’s resident bully, along with his posse that followed him around everywhere. “Is that enough food for you?” He smirked and looked back at one of his guys in the posse who handed him a tray of food.

I quickly glanced down at my tray of food then stared longingly at the one in Jihoon’s hand but I knew that as appetizing it looked, I couldn’t fall into his trap yet again. This scenario occurred way to many times at this very spot and I couldn’t let it happen again. When he placed the tray on the table, I timidly pushed it away and quietly shook my head.

“Oh look. Ddung-ddung-ah* is on a diet, not that it would make a difference.” He looked at his posse who replied with a low chuckle. “Are you sure you don’t want it?” He asked with venom dripping down each word that came out of his mouth. I curled myself into the smallest ball I could possibly curl myself into. “I’ll give it to you anyway. I’m not hungry.” My heart sank.

I felt the hot broth of the doenjjang jjigae pour down my head and then into my shirt, burning the sensitive skin on my neck, chest, and back slightly. My white uniform was stained a pale yellow from the broth. Grains of rice stuck onto my hair and rolled down my uniform. It would take me forever to get this cleaned.

I stood up, grabbing my bag in the process, and ran as quickly as I could out of there. I no longer cared about making light footsteps so that the ground wouldn’t shake nor did I care about the deafening laughter that chased after me. I wanted out. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be alone.

Even with my eyes closed, my legs – my thick, fat, ugly legs – led me to a secluded area in the school garden that no one ever visited, that probably no one ever knew of. It was hidden in the back behind the gardener’s shed. All there was was a single bench surrounded by two trees but I loved it because no one was there. No one was there to judge me, to make fun of me, or to even just look at me.

I sat down and took deep breaths to try to fill my lungs with oxygen again. I was out of breath partly because of the tears that started to fill my eyes and caused my heart to start constricting and convulsing in all different directions and partly because of the sudden running that my body just wasn’t used to.

I closed my eyes and kept my head down while clenching down on the hem of my skirt with my fists. I couldn’t cry. I had to stop crying. If I came home with red eyes, umma would know immediately and I couldn’t let my parent worry like that.

But I couldn’t stop. I have had enough of this. I know I’m fat. I know I’m ugly but why do people still have the need make it a point to rub in my face that they’re so much more beautiful than I am? Can’t they see how much I’m suffering? Why do they have to keep repeating it over and over again to put me down?

My throat started to tighten and the tears just endlessly poured down my cheeks, these chipmunk cheeks that I wished for years would magically shrink so my face wouldn’t be as round.

Umma always told me I was beautiful. Appa always told me I was beautiful. Heck, my whole family would always gush over how beautiful I was whenever my parents and I would go to visit them, but I never felt beautiful. I could never believe what my family was talking about when they would tell me how cute I was. Instead, I let everyone else’s words sink in and tell me otherwise. I’m just too fat to be beautiful. No. I was ugly.

I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky hoping with gravity’s help I could miraculously stop crying. After blinking a few times, my wish came true and the tears stopped. I knew class was about to begin but I couldn’t go back there, not after what happened, not after I look like this, though whether I looked like this or not, they would still make fun of me. My best bet would be to try to make it home before umma got home from the market so that I could clean myself up.

Standing up, I turned to face the bench and I noticed a small blue square sitting just to the right of where I once sat. It was a handkerchief but I was sure it wasn’t there before I came here and I was definitely sure it wasn’t mine. Looking around there area, there was no one so how did it get there?

I took a deep breath out. I can’t believe it. I was so immersed in my own emotions that I couldn’t even notice someone else’s kindness to me, kindness that no one had ever shown to me before. How could I be so selfish? I always think about how I feel and not how anyone else does. Is that why everyone hates me?

Sometimes, I think it would be best if I didn’t exist at all. Maybe if I wasn’t here, Jihoon wouldn’t have an excuse to be mean and would actually turn into a good person. Maybe if I wasn’t here, then my parents wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of me or making enough money. Maybe if I wasn’t here, then the world would be a better place. Maybe if I wasn’t here, my mystery helper wouldn’t feel bad from me ignoring his actions and instead would go about his life without having to care about how I feel.

I bit my bottom lip to try to prevent the new wave of tears from escaping my eyes. My heart felt like it was being wrenched out of place and ripped out of my chest. I kept my shaky hands clenched tightly at my side and started to make my way back home on my legs that at this point felt like jelly, skipping the rest of class.

If only I could disappear, the world would be a better place. If only I could disappear, there would be one less mouth to feed and more food for those who go hungry elsewhere. If only I could disappear, I wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore.

If only…

--

Day 2

I stood still in front of the school with my feet planted firmly in the ground. I didn’t want to come back today but my parents couldn’t know that I was skipping class. They work until really late so they don’t know of my frequent escapades back home but they were up early enough to know if I went to school or not.

I didn’t want to be here. I just want the universe to swallow me whole, but I know that’s not possible. My heart started beating rapidly as I walked through the halls. I felt peoples’ eyes boring holes into my skin. I was always the center of attention because I stuck out like a sore thumb.

When I got to the classroom, I got the same snickers that I was met with every morning. My desk was at the back and I hated it being there because it meant that I had to walk by everyone just to get there. Along with that, no one sat anywhere near me.

Just getting to my desk was hell. People would throw things at me, try to trip me, and sometimes even pull at my hair and clothes. What hurt the most, however, was the way that they would vandalize my desk because while their actions could hurt me physically, the words that they would decorate my desk with make the pain sting for a much longer time.

One note on my desk today, though, caught my eye. They usually wrote on my desk with a red marker because it signified how much they wanted me gone but today, there was a single blue post-it in the corner on top of all the other writing. Intrigued, I pulled it off and read it.

You’re beautiful. Don’t listen to what they say.

My heart sank. Is this another cruel prank that they are playing on my again? It was one thing to mess with my clothes but now they’re trying to play with my emotions? Well, it worked. I feel even more ugly now because this is just another reminder to me that no one could ever love my just because I’m too ugly and fat.

In anger, I crumpled up the post-it and threw it as far as I could in whatever direction. With no other choice, I laid my head on the desk and just waited for the teacher to come, trying to ignore everyone.

--

Day 9

The following days, I kept on getting the same post-its that kept making me feel like dirt. I felt unwanted. I felt ugly. The little confidence I had kept diminishing even more and more because I knew the person who wrote them thought the exact opposite.

You are worth much more that you think.

Ignore them. They don’t know anything.

You are perfect. Don’t think that you have to change because they think differently.

That last post-it made me realize that the only way they would stop or even just accept me is if I made myself more similar to what they considered to be “beautiful”. Maybe if I changed, they would stop making fun of me so I decided that I would get skinny.

It’s been five days since I last ate something. I’ve been trying that water diet that some idols do. They make themselves full on water so it seems like they are satisfying themselves but they won’t gain anything because the water would just come right out. Idols are so skinny. I wish I was more like them

The only reason why I was frustrated was because I haven’t lost anything significant yet. In the five days I have been doing this, I’ve barely lost a kilo. I have so much more to go so why is this taking so long? Maybe, I just need to wait a little more.

Today, however, was the day I dreaded the most. I had gym today and usually I was able to come up with excuses to get out of it but my gym teacher said that if I didn’t go to class today, I would fail the class. I couldn’t fail, at least, not after umma and appa sacrificed so much for me.

As everyone got up to go to the locker rooms and change, I followed after their lead. I stood up quickly to make sure I would be there with everyone else but as I did so, my head started to spin and blurry dots covered my vision. All I saw was gray and I felt like my stomach was going to jump out of my body.

But everyone else was already leaving so I put my hand on my head to try to steady myself, however, it did nothing. In a blur, my vision got worse and all I could see was black.

-

My head hurt like crazy and my body felt numb. Before I could register where I was, all I noticed from where I was was a certain medicinal smell to the room I was in. I blinked my eyes once, twice, three times before my vision turned to normal from the blurry gray it once was.

I looked around and realized that I was in the nurse’s room. From the clock that hung on the pristine white wall, I found out that it was already sixth period meaning that I had missed at least four of my classes.

Oh crap. I missed four of my classes. I can’t miss any of my classes. I’ll fall behind and then my grades would go and then I’m not going to do well on the college entrance exams and then colleges aren’t going to accept me and them I’m going to disappoint my parents even more-

“Woah, slow down there.” The nurse held me down so that I wouldn’t sit up which I just realized I was doing subconsciously. “Not so fast. You just passed out. Let your body adjust to things first.”

“I-I have to get to class.”

“After you rest for a bit.” She retorted quickly. “A student brought you something to eat so I’ll let you go back to class when you finish.” She handed me a small lunchbox that consisted of some rice and egg rolls. At the top of the box there was another little post-it.

I noticed you stopped coming to lunch. You have to eat! I’m sorry it’s not much. I woke up late this morning so I didn’t have a lot of time. Just eat something, okay? Don’t listen to what other people say. You are beautiful.

I took a deep breath and then swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Whoever this person was really insisted on playing with my feelings. I felt a stab at my chest and I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from whimpering.

I just sat there staring at the lunchbox. If I ate it, then I fell into that person’s trap. Whoever they were only wanted to make fun of my again for eating. I can’t let it happen again.

When the nurse left the room, I quickly threw out the lunchbox and went out before she could come back.

--

Day 10

I left the house early so that I didn’t have to face umma this morning. I’ve been running out of excuses to give her for not taking my lunch money. “I forgot”, “I was running late”, “I already had money”, I used them all. Today my excuse was that I had to leave early so that I could study but this could only keep going on for so long.

My stomach gave out a low rumble and I took a deep breath. I reached into my bag and pulled out a stick of gum. I read an article from some gossip magazine that chewing something to mimic eating would trick your body into thinking it would be full. I hope that idea works.

I stepped into the school building realizing that leaving the house to avoid umma and appa only meant that I would have to spend more time at school surrounded by everyone. Deep regret filled my veins for not thinking the whole plan through and my body shook, terrified by the thought of anyone else being here, too.

I walked slowly, trying to be aware of everything going around me. It was too early for most kids to come yet but you could never be too careful. When I made it to my homeroom, I peered inside and saw someone hovering over my desk.

The person was obviously a male student here but I couldn’t make out his face because his head was down, facing my desk. He pulled out some baby wipes from his bag and started wiping the red marker from my desk. I stood there silently and I watched him make a small smile of satisfaction as he raised up the now pink baby wipe from my clean desk. He then pulled out a box from his bag and placed it on my desk.

When he started writing a little note on a post-it and stuck it on the box, I knew who he was. It was him. He was the guy who was playing with my feelings.

“W-what are you doing?” I finally revealed myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. If he was going to make fun of me, I would rather him do it to my face than do it anonymously. It hurts less that way. At least I knew the person who hated me.

“Ah, Misah-ssi, you’re early.” The boy gave a shy smile and rubbed the back of his neck. I couldn’t help but notice a blush creep up his cheeks. Damn. This guy was a pretty good actor. “I’m not sure if you know me but I’m Kyungsoo. I’m in the class across the hall and I really-”

“Y-you still haven’t answered my question.” I tried to stand strong and tough like all those badass characters in the dramas but I couldn’t. My voice came out in almost a whisper a whole octave above its normal sound. I closed my eyes in defeat because I couldn’t bear to let him see me in my weakness.

A silence followed. I broke it. “If you don’t have anything to say, please leave.” My tear ducts itched to let water flow out but I kept my eyes shut so that they wouldn’t. “Also, I would prefer it if you just stopped it with the whole post-it thing. Please just leave all the bullying to Jihoon. There’s only so much I can take.”

I finally mustered up the courage to open my eyes and they were met with a dejected look on Kyungsoo’s face. He stared at me for a while as if he was thinking about something and then he nodded before picking up the lunchbox he previously placed on my desk and walking out.

-
I came back from the bathroom and found an empty classroom. It was second period and everyone had left for gym. I was still excused from when I passed out yesterday so I opted to stay in the classroom.

On my desk was that same box Kyungsoo tried to leave this morning but instead of post-it placed on the top, there was a half-sheet of notebook paper.

Truthfully, nothing I said on those post-its was a lie. It wasn’t a joke. I really think that you are beautiful. I’ve liked you for a while now. My heart always hurt when everyone else would call you names and make fun of you. Believe me, I wanted so badly to go up to Jihoon and give him a piece of my mind but by the way your head would drop down I knew that you didn’t want to draw any more attention to yourself. But you have to realize that I get hurt, too. There’s only so much that I can take. I couldn’t bear to see you so broken anymore. That’s why I started sending you notes. I thought that maybe if I reminded you how beautiful you are all the time, you would realize that you truly are. Don’t believe in anything those other people say because if anything they are all just spewing out lies.

 I love the way your eyes sparkle when you do something you’re passionate about. I love the way your eyes turn into little slits when you smile. I wish you would smile more. It’s a crime to deprive the world of that smile. You aren’t fat. You are perfectly healthy so please eat. Don’t deprive yourself of your favorite doenjang jjigae anymore. Don’t compare yourself to others because if you do that, you would never be satisfied with yourself. You can’t be anyone but yourself so stay true to who you are and you are such an amazing, caring, beautiful person. Don’t ever forget that.

I lifted my head with a smile. Maybe, just maybe he was right.

*roughly translates to "fatty" (not to be mistaken for ddong which means "poop")