"I used to believe in you alone and I was happy

But like a joke, I am left alone
You used to promise me with your pinky finger
But in the end

                                                 Nothing ever lasts forever                                                     So tonight, I'll be crooked."

                                                              -Crooked

She gazed out into the night, feeling the frigid night air. She laughed mockingly at the night air, lifting the bottle to .

Yah, oppa promises you the whole world and forever, okay? Saranghaeyo, jagiya!

She laughed again, feeling the familiar pang in her chest, the ever present throbbing pain induced by bitter memories. She took a swig, leaving her head buzzing from the alcohol. Vodka, once again became her bestfriend, her cradle, her haven.

Jagiya! Jagiya! Look! Now everyone will know that you're mine forever and ever! Jaemi... will you please be my haven, my one and only?

She pressed her lids together, willing the visions away, bidding his radiant smile adeiu. She took a long, even swig as her mind fought to erase those thoughts she thought to be painful useless, but alas, a glimmer caught her now open eyes. Hazy from the influence, her mind could only comprehend a small metallic shine hidden within the mess on her coffee table, but after a moment her eyes cleared and what she was looking at sent a bolt of pain into her heart, and a stinging upon her once dry eyes. It had been the ring from her memories, as shiny and new as when she first recieved it. 'Jae & Ji' it read in script, carefully etched unto the inside face of the band, something she thought was still painfully etched upon her heart, although, she thought,the etchings on my heart are anything but delicate. They are raw, ugly, and tortured... much like the beating of my heart, erratic and labored. She smiled, bitterly, at the thought and downed the rest of the bottle, moving on to a new case of untouched alcohol.

Yah, Jaemi-ah, you know I love you right? Hee-jin's just a close friend from my high school days, neorul neomu saranghae, jagiya.

She let out a choked chuckle, a sound as cold and empty as the night air. She took a long drag from the cigarette in her hand, reveling in the temporary moment of bliss it offered. It was a sense of freedom and weightlessness she'd been missing for the past years. She blew out the smoke and watched it rise, wishing her pain could float off with it, and after a longing fleeting gaze, she shut her eyes and took another drag, adding on to the growing pile of cigarette butts on the ashtray. 

Jagiya, I'm so sorry, I... I thought that I'd be okay if I saw her, that I wouldn't... like her anymore after these years. I'm so sorry-

She clutched her head in pain at the awful memory as she bit her lips hard, holding in an agonized groan. She clawed at her chest in an effort to draw away the scorching pain. She laid on the floor, curled up in on herself, as if it would shelter her from the oncoming rapids consisting solely of memories.

Jaemi-ah, jeongmal mianhae. Beep.

Jaemi, I didn't mean to, I love her and I...  it just happened. Beep.

Jaemi, I didn't want to hurt you. Beep.

Jaemi, she's... pregnant. I-I'm the father... Beep.

Jaemi, I have to be responsible for her and little Ji. Beep.

Jaemi! Don't leave me! You're my bestest friend!

Jaemi! Jaemi! Talk to me, please. Jebal...Beep.

Jaemi, can you talk? Yeah, little Jiyong was born today. Can you come by? You're the godmother. I miss you. Beep.

It's nice to see you today, Jaemi-ah. I'm happy with Hee-jin and our son Jinji, I hope you're happy too, because you deserve it.

Jamie, I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

She let out a frustrated scream as she pulled at her white blonde hair, effectively stopping the flurry of memories. The last words echoed in her head. I hope you're happy.

She began to laugh, quietly at first, then it rose in a hysterical crescendo. With her laughter reaching its lunatic peak, tears, uncontrolled and heavy, began to flow down her face. With her bouts of hysterical laughter, uncontrollable tears, and excrutiating heart pain, she, Lee Jaemi, the 'happy' and 'optimistic' girl, was ripping at the seams. She had finally fallen apart, after years of effort to regain herself after Jiyong, her friend since birth, her haven, her anchor, her lover, her world, left. 

She really tried to be happy... or at last tried to find a source of amusement in her now cold world.

She'd taken more breaks from work.

She showered herself in materialistic gifts hoping to cover the gap in her heart.

She'd dyed her hair white blonde, hoping for a change, along with it, piercings and small meaningful tattoos on her body to alter her once stiff image.

She drank case after case, smoked pack after pack.

She indulged herself in illegal substances night after night, hoping to forget her past.

She went out weekend after weekend, secretly drowning herself in the company of faceless men to satiate the hole in her broken heart.

She ruined and homwrecked relationships after the other, hoping to find an ironic sense of sick amusement in her situation.

She had really tried to forget be happy for Jiyong and for herself.

Jaemi let out a final bitter chuckle as she set out to fulfill what she'd hope to be a true expression of happiness: her freedom. She pulled out a pen and paper determined to face her horrible reality, and all the same, escape its clutch. Without having to ponder long, she found herself writing.

"I hope you're happy, Ji. It's been years since we last met, since we last loved, since we last kissed. How's your kid? Tell him sorry for me, yeah? Sorry that auntie Jaemi doesn't visit, sorry that I can't come by because I can't stand to see him, or you, or her. Since you'll probably never get the chance to read this, I want to tell you that I'm happy and content, and that I've moved on. Soon enough, I'll be far, far away, dreaming of life as I wish it'd be. I hope your happy, Ji, you deserve it. Goodnight, and au revoir."

-Jaemi

She stared at the note for a moment, then gently pulled the ring from the clutter. She ran her fingers over it, caressing it as though it was her beloved. Giving it gentle kiss, she placed it in an envelope with the note and another sheet of paper. Goodbye Jaemi and au revoir, Kwon Jiyong.

She let out a resign sigh, turning back to drink bottle after bottle of alcohol. Grabbing the pill bottle from her medicine cabinet, she walked out of her room with smeared make up, dressed in all black.

"Ma'am, where are you headed so late, your father will be worried."

"Ah, Mrs. Yoo, don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow. Tell appa I love him a lot and to not worry, arasso? Oh! And would you mind sending the driver first thing tomorrow to Jiyong's office? I know he's busy with his family and album, but I have to get this envelope to him by tomorrow morning, no later than 6 a.m. Thanks Mrs. Yoo, for taking care of my father and raising me well, and for everything. See you tomorrow." Jaemi smiled at her caretaker endearingly and politely bowed to her, giving her a tight hug and kissing her forehead lovingly.

"Arasso, be careful on your way, Jaemi!" Mrs. Yoo smiled and watched Jaemi walk farther and farther until she disappeared from her site. She then scurried off to deliver the envelope to the driver, then bidding Mr. Lee good night along with Jaemi's message. She slept early that night in plans of waking up early to set up breakfast for Jaemi in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing ever lasts forever.

She walked onto the street bumping into person after person with a challenging expression on her worn face.

I have no one, everything is meaningless.

She chuckled is she walked by a couple, deeming them foolish for thinking they're in love.

I'll put on thinck eyeliner, use a whole can of hairspray, leather pants, leather jacket with a frown.

She thought of the facade she put up for years, leading her to dress in a risque and rebellious manner.

I want to love but no one to love, what am I supposed to do? 

She smirked as purposely bumped into a couple, laughing as the girl slapped her face before walking away with  her boyfriend whose eyes were still lustfully trained on Jaemi. Ha, he's a keeper alright, thought Jaemi as she strode off to the park where she spent for childhood days with Jiyong.

I can't turn it back.

As she neared the block of the park, Jaemi began shoving pills into , a handful after the other, helping it go down with the bottle of alcohol she held tightly in her right hand.

Tonight, I'll be crooked.

She had collapsed unconsciously beside the sandbox where Jiyong and her met when they young. With the snow falling around her fallen figure, she looked like a broken angel, her face gaunt and worn, gray with the weight of the world. She was also a little blue as she lay there, remorsefully watching the snow fall. A small bitter smile crossed her face as she thought of the other paper she'd left beside the note.

"Hey, Ji. By the time you're reading this, I've probably already fulfilled your wish for me to be happy. You've always asked me to write lyrics for you, but I never complied because I was afraid you'd realize my loneliness through the words in the song. But seeing as how at this very moment, I'm probably committing the act of achieving my happiness, I guess it's fine to leave you with something that will make your fans very happy. This is probably my favorite composition ever, seeing how close it is to my own experiences and life from a couple years ago leading up to my life right now at this very moment.I hope you treasure my final composition, I hope you'll be happy, Ji."

Love always, Jaemi.

With the little energy had left, she began to weakly sing, and in the howling winter winds it could be heard, faint and dropping in volume like her heart.

I used to believe in you alone and I was happy

But like a joke, I am left alone

You used to promise me with your pinky finger

But in the end

Nothing last forever,

So tonight, I'll be crooked.

Her faint crooning, soft and blue, faded along wiith the thrumming of her heart as the snow covered her like a blanket.

Jiyong, I hope you're happy. Happier than I ever was, living as Lee Jaemi.