What Hurts The Most

I always had the habit of being uncomfortable with rings that in the end I’ll get irritated and would not bother wearing one.

Ray knows that habit of mine.

So when he proposed to me he gave me a silver chain necklace for it saying how he knows me and it’s alright for him that I do not wear the ring in my ring finger as long as I know that he means well and that I took good care of it.

I appreciated that because even every little detail of me is like a common knowledge for him.

I was at lost at was Yi Fan confessed, I am utterly perplexed by my reaction as I remember I was in love with Hyunil. And Kris was not Hyunil.

“I…” I started off to speak but then no words seem to come out of me as I was just processing things.

I couldn’t handle the intense stare he was giving me thus making me look at the sides where the window was located, for a second I unconsciously forgot everything around me and just watch the snow fall down beautifully.

 “You..” I sighed as honestly I was still piecing everything that I will say to him in my head. I also still don’t want to meet eyes with him and all I can do is breathe out a sigh and said

“You… You were everything I ever wished for. You were everything I could dreamt of in a guy, when I look at you I see this perfect person, even with his flaws nevertheless you still come off as perfect to me. But then one night everything suddenly becomes blurred, we were both not in a good mood, then we clashed , next thing we know we were shouting at each other’s faces, both too angry to calm down and hear each other’s side. I stormed not wanting to be in the same room as you, you never chased after me, I went back and then I saw your space empty. You left.”

Managing a small bitter laugh to escape my mouth I continued on with what I was saying

 “I was left broken, insecurities eating me up, I was close to letting myself go but then he came. He came and saved me from the misery I have holed myself up, I never had the courage to look for you as I thought it was always futile to even do so. Ray, he saved me from myself, he…. He was there.  I realized as the times passed by that he was guiding me that he was everything I needed. I was finally aware of the difference between  wants and needs, it was awareness. I was aware that I wanted you back but then I knew that he was what I needed, that with I know I’ll be happy in the end, with him… I can’t explain everything since it’s a lot and I think God forbids me to say it cause I would just end up…Crying and looking weak.” I said as I finally was able to meet eyes with him while continuing with playing with the ring on my neck.

Kris looked stoic, like he’s usual expression. I still haven’t solved the mystery who I call as Kris Wu. I still can’t decipher and read what was processing through his mind.  He was still silent as I felt like a need to say something nudged me hard.

“I am getting married to Hyunil… In the next 5 months.” I said as I clutched hard on my ring like it was my life support.

Silence came and mocked the both of us as everything around us was moving with time except for the both of us.

“I guess I was too late already.” What seemed like an eternity I finally heard something from Kris.

“I was a jackass I know for treating you the way I did, I always felt like you were slipping out from my hands every minute I was with you… I wanted your attention to be in me, may it be in a good and bad way, I played with other girls in your back and you would catch me in my deed but all you did was let it pass like it was okay with you and with that I thought you would never leave me with whatever I did wrong, you’ll be there for me, holding on, mending the cracks I made in our relationships I keep on damaging. I…. Never saw it coming that you’ll be tired from all of my s that you’ll let go… It was my pride that kept me from chasing after you; I guess that was my fault. I felt the need to be selfish when it comes to you and I guess it became too much that you were even fed up with me.” Kris said as a melancholic expression basked his face as large orbs of him looked glassy and full of emotions; evident guilt and regret.

“I’m sorry Kris… For everything I have wronged you for. For the times I never filled as your girlfriend. I can’t return your feelings anymore. I am not worthy of you, If I was then I think we would haven’t come to this point. If we were truly meant to be then I wouldn’t have him. I am going to sound selfish but I wish that you could be happy for us, for me. Because I’m finally free from the chains you have hold on me.  Things have changed Kris, it’s not the same anymore, we have comeback more matured, more as a person, and I think we both deserve better.” I said as I wanted him to know that were both free now, free from each other.

“I also want to thank you… If not for you, I wouldn’t have been a better and stronger version of myself.” I said as I gave him a smile that pleads for him to just accept it that I am moving on from him.

“I wish I can say the same for you,  I really really really wish that I can be happy for you.” Kris said as I guess he was still not accepting my words as he clutched at my hand giving it a squeeze, it doesn’t feel right anymore to hold his hand.

Slowly with a smile and honestly I feel like tears were about to escape my eyes as I just want him to understand that I want him to let go. There was no use anymore, I wanted to be happy and I just hope for him to be happy for me also by setting the both of us free. I felt the need to pull back my hand and I did.

“I…. Make sure he loves you more than I did; make sure that he fills the spaces that I couldn’t.  I want you to be happy and if it means fully letting you go….. Then I will because that’s much how I still love you and just the magnitude of how much I regret leaving you I know I’m the one to blame to for losing you. I… I just want you to know that I love you no matter what and that it was silly of me to think you’ll always be there for me in the end. I also want to say sorry for the I have put you through. I can’t fully bring myself to say that I am happy for you and Ray but I think I will manage to in time.” Kris said with a crestfallen and small and weak smile painted across his face.

I was relived.

We are now both free from the clutches of each other’s strings.

“We never really ended in good terms… I guess this was the closure we both needed. I want us to both start of clean putting the past behind us and just keep on moving forward.” I said as I felt like the thorns on my chest were plucked away making me breathe freely.

Kris only replied with me with his beautiful smile and I guess that was the answer I only needed.

I’ll be happy from now on.

We will both move on with our lives.

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I saw him on my wedding.

After our vows, when the priest declared that Ray may kiss me.

I saw him leaning by the door of the church, wearing a small smile.

And I knew that we were now both happy.

The end....

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Sorry for not giving Kris a happy ending!