My addiction to milk became more serious recently. I could not sleep much. And I could not eat much either. I did not like to go outside, maybe only to the grocery, so I could buy another twenty cartons of milk. And I knew it was a disease. I knew that no one should drink so much milk. That this is not a proper way to take care of my body. However, I could not resist.

I convinced myself that I am not a hopeless case and in the world there are many, who are just like me. We are just lost. Simply lost, but not completely hopeless.

And I was lying to Donghae. My sweetheart was so worried already, I did not want to tell him about the fact, that I was feeling worse and worse. So I had told him that I am better now instead and he totally believed me, because that’s the way he was. He believed me, trusted me, loved me. And I know I did not deserve any of it. I was depressed. He was the only one, who always was here for me and I knew he would do anything for my sake. And now, I was lying to him…

He was the only person by my side. Everyone else left me. Donghae was my family now, my best friend, my lover. But I have this stupid problem. This strawberry milk!

 - What is so good about you? What? – I threw a glass of my favourite drink on the wall.

The glass shattered into pieces, leaving the streaks on the paint. I was on my knees immediately.

 - You’ve ruined my life. Because of you everyone abandoned me! I hate you! – I hit the floor with my hand, causing its bleeding.

My blood was mixing with milk. The color was no longer white. I was sitting there, watching my hands. Little pieces of glass causing pain. I could forget about my addiction for a moment. This physical wound freed me from the other suffering.

I looked at my other hand. White, smooth skin without any scars or cuts. And then I hesitated for a moment. What is exactly the thing I wanted to do? Did I just think about hurting myself? For real?

I saw his face in my mind. Hae was smiling. He was happy. We were holding hands and walking down the road together. And there this accident happened. There was this tasting at the roadside shop. They were selling flavored milk. Truly, I was not interested in it at that time. I had Hae by my side, feeling his body so close to mine and I did not need anything else. But he insisted. He was so cheerful and happy. Made his famous puppy eyes at me and asked me to go there. He wanted to try it. So I agreed, of course. I could not do something that would upset him. Then he pulled my hand and soon he was holding a little plastic cup near my mouth. “Say aaah, Hyukkie” – and of course, I could not do anything, but say it, so I did. I slowly opened my mouth, my eyes not leaving his. I wished I knew that this moment will change my life forever. Fantastic potion filled my mouth and I closed my eyes in pleasure. “Is it good, Hyukkie?” – Hae asked watching my reaction. “Yeah, baby. Let’s buy it” – and it was the worst decision in my entire life. After that everything started to become worse and worse. I get addicted to milk and was able to do anything to get it in my hands. Hae was patiently enduring it all. He was supporting me, even though I knew he was hurt too. He was trying to hide his tears from me, act all strong and calm, when he was with me. But I knew, I was the cause of his pain. And I hated myself because of that.

I did not want to see him suffer any longer, so I decided. I will do anything for him and maybe this is the solution. I put both hands on the glass and pressed it harder. Small pieces soon pierced my skin. Blood started to flow quickly. I felt a rush of adrenaline and happiness. I smiled.

 - Yes, I do anything to make you happy again.

I was sitting on the floor. My clothes soaked with blood and milk. The entire kitchen demolished. I no longer felt the need to drink my strawberry milk. I was finally free and I liked this feeling.

Donghae’s pov

I called Hyukkie several times, but he did not answer. I started to worry. We were supposed to meet one hour ago. I rushed to his house. I hope that he is fine.

I still could not forgive myself for introducing this drug to him. How could I know… NO, Hae, stop justify yourself! It is your fault, no one’s else, but yours. You have ruined his life. And you should take the whole responsibility for it. If it were possible, you should go to jail! You are a murderer. How could you did it to a living person, you heartless bastard? And in addition to your lover! Do you even love him?

I was crying. I could not hold my tears in anymore. I don’t know what I will do if something happens to him. I love him so much and now he is in so much pain, because of me.

 - Lee Donghae! You bastard. Pull yourself together and find him!

I hoped that he will be at home, but when I got there and I knocked on the door, no one answered. I reached the handle with my trembling hand. The door was not closed. I went inside. I was just about to call Hyukkie, but I went silent, when I saw him.

He was sitting on the kitchen floor, dirtied with blood. I was shocked. What have he done? I looked at his face. He was smiling.

I gasp. O my God! I was terrified. What is wrong with him? Why is he sitting there with blood on his hands? This seriously looked sick, this was sick. The scene like a horror movie. I was paralyzed. My body could not move. I did not know what to do or what to say. I just stood there emotionlessly or so I thought. I realized I was crying. I looked at my feet. What should I do now? It is all my fault. I could not stand seeing my Hyukkie in this state.

 - Hae? – I heard his silent voice.

I looked up. Met his eyes. There was this suffocating silence. I could not stand it anymore and before I knew it, I run out of the house, leaving my beloved Hyukkie alone. I abandoned him for the first time.