Age 9

Young In’s least favorite color is black.  The color of annoying crows and lonely nights.  Black like the cats that roam the neighborhood and scavenge the dumpsters for scraps, or black like burnt coal in the fireplace on a cold afternoon.  Young In hates black—black like black—black the like the color of the dress she is wearing now.

Jongin is wearing black, too--a suit jacket and tie as dark as his expression.  His eyes are swollen and puffy because he stayed up all night, not because he’s been crying all morning. 

Jongin doesn’t cry.   He never cries.

Young In isn’t sure how to be comforting—as far as comforting goes—so she just stands beside him and pats his arm softly.

She stays quiet to listen to the tall man at the front of the room, speaking in soft whispers while mumbles fill the room with a hush-hush buzzing. 

Everyone is murmuring, gossiping, chattering under their breaths, and their voices are louder than they think.  So loud that Young In can hear every single word.  She wants to cover Jongin’s ears so he doesn’t have to hear them either, because everything they say is about him. 

That’s the problem with grown-ups.  They talk about people in the room like they never existed, as if Jongin can’t hear what they’re saying.  Young In promises that once she becomes an adult, she will never act like that.  She will speak loud and clear so that everyone will know who she’s talking about—and if she has nothing nice to say, she won’t speak at all.

Kind of like Jongin’s mother.  All those years she spent in her hospital bed, she never spoke, so no one ever knew if wanted to say bad things, or if she wanted to say good things.  No one ever knew if she ever once tried calling her son’s name, or her own name, or Jongin's father's name.  

Young In’s mother likes to hum when she’s working in the kitchen.  She wonders if Jongin’s mother ever wanted to hum when she was in the kitchen.

Except it’s too late now, even if she wanted to try.

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After the tall man is finished talking, Jongin's father takes him home and Young In goes home with Mother.  Neither of them say goodbye to the other.  Young In is afraid that if she talks to Jongin, he'll start crying when he responds to her.

Mother tells Young In that this is a "time of mourning" for Jongin and his family.  And even though Young In didn't know Jongin's mother before she died, she should still give his mother respect.

It makes Young In want to ask Mother a question--a few questions, actually.  First of all, she doesn't understand what there is to be sad about, because everyone dies eventually.  One day, Young In will grow old and die, Jongin will grow old and die.  The neighbor's dog that barks day and night will grow old and die.  Everyone will end up in the same place, so what is there to be sad about? But then she thinks Mother would find that rude of her, so she keeps quiet.  

Secondly, she wants to ask what Mother means by "family."  

As far as Young In knows, there is no "family".  It's always been just Jongin and his father--not Jongin and his uncles and aunts and cousins and grandfather and grandmother.  Just Jongin and his father.

So really, it's just Jongin and his father who are in a time of mourning.  

But this also seems like a touchy topic, so Young In doesn't say anything either.

Mother starts the car, and they drive out of the church parking lot slowly.  Young In wipes away the mist on her window to look outside.  She sees nothing but people in black and gray skies and fog--a lot of fog.

Everything looks so gloomy, so Young In doesn't want to look outside.  She closes her eyes and pretends that it's summer all over again.  

Deep inside, she's kind of relieved.  The less family Jongin has, the less people will be there to miss his mother.  Young In thinks Jongin's mother would be a bit sad if she knew so many people would miss her now that she's gone.

7:00 am