I'm very sorry for the long wait, I didn't have a lot of free time between training and college assignments and then I couldn't rememeber my password to log in!! lol    Anyway here is the new chapter :)

Have you ever watched the person you love go through unimaginable pain and suffering and not know how to help them? Have you ever heard the one you love cry out that they wish they were dead than have to go through this? Have you ever watched the one you love spill huge tears as strand after strand of hair falls out until they lose it all? Have you ever watched the one you love be so violently sick that you wonder how her body can cope with it?

I have, and for the past three months I have watched Dara grow increasingly weak, lose herself to the treatment and cry that she can’t fight it anymore; it’s just too hard. I never left her side, Bom and Minzy were there almost constantly too, we tried to show her she could do it just take it day by day, that she can’t give up because we won’t give up on her. We held her at night in the dorm when she cried and couldn’t bear it anymore. We drove her to see her family when she felt well enough to do so. We took her to the movies to the film of her favourite book. We cooked her favorite food for her whenever she had an appetite. Minzy went to church every day and prayed for Dara to be cured and return to her bubbly self. Bom found all the health foods and vitamins that she thought would do Dara good.

I watched Dara crumble and break, I saw her live out nearly every day in absolute agony. At night when Dara was sleeping was my only rest bite; I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry until I felt physically sick. The woman I loved had been reduced to a shell of her former self and there was nothing I could do, absolutely nothing. It felt pathetic and useless to only be able to hold her hand and mutter words of comfort when in fact I didn’t even know what the next hour or day would bring. When Dara found time particularly difficult and looked me deep in the eyes and uttered “Please I can’t do this anymore, please just let me go” I’d feel my eyes prick with tears and my heart clench unbearably tight but I’d blink back those tears, unset my jaw and clear my dry throat and tell her “We were almost there, we were so close to the finish and just hang on for a little longer” How stupid and naïve was I; how could I speak such words to her when I had absolutely no idea of how she truly felt and what was going on inside her. Every second of every day I wished it had been me, I wished if there was some way to take this away from Dara and give it to me, I’d do it in a heartbeat without any questions or qualms.

Weeks turned into months and then finally 4 months later we celebrated together the last day of her treatment and for the first time in months I saw Dara smile; she was relieved and I was proud that she had kept her promise that she has fought every step of the way. I remember that day so clearly I hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear

“You did it” but to my surprise she whispered back

“No WE did it, thank you for being here through absolutely everything, I love you more than you’ll ever know ChaeRin!”

I was too choked up to say anything so I just hugged her tighter. Also that day she had more blood tests done and some other ones too to see if the cancer had been beaten.

I thought once the treatment had finished Dara would start to get better, start to get healthy again but instead she stayed a horrible grey colour, her eyes still sunken in her face; bloodshot and no sign of their normal sparkle. Her skin continued to get even more sensitive from the radiation, to the point where you could barely touch her; the only thing that changed is that her hair was starting to grow back.

After three and a half weeks of agonizing waiting I brought Dara back for her meeting with Doctor Palmer. I went in with all the optimism in the world; Dara had beaten this and she was only taking so long to recover because her whole immune system had been destroyed. I interlocked our fingers and squeezed them gently and whispered in her ear

“Ssantokki you know I love you right?” I asked

“Of course” She answered with a smile and lightly pecked me on the lips

“I was just making sure!” I replied

“You’re scared aren’t you, but it’s ok I put up a good fight, so whatever happens from now is just meant to be” Dara spoke calmly; she had found this new inner peace towards the end of her treatment, it unnerved me a little to hear her talk like that but if it helped her who was I to argue with her.

“Sandara, ChaeRin would you like to come in?” Doctor Palmer asked as he shook both our hands.

We followed him into his office and a horrible overwhelming sense of Déjà vu washed over me

“No not again” I whispered to myself

“Sandara I have your test results here and I regret to tell you that your cancer has continued to spread, the treatment hasn’t been successful.”

“Is there anything else we can do?” I asked the pain in my heart almost bringing tears to my eyes

“No Chae, I won’t do it again, I can’t put myself through that again”

“Unfortunately Sandara has reached the limit of radiation and chemotherapy that the body can take, I’m afraid there is nothing else we can do for you, I am truly very sorry” He spoke his voice holding the truth of his sincerity.

“How long this time doctor?” Dara wondered out loud and I mentally braced myself for what the answer was going to be

“3 months at the most, your cancer has become very advanced. I know this may seem cold by just saying this to you but I can refer you to a counselor that can help you deal with the news and with what is to come; they can provide you with a lot of information and support?”

“Yes that would be great, thank you” Dara had no emotion in her voice or on her face, I couldn’t read her, I couldn’t tell what was going on in her mind, I didn’t know what to say, they were giving up on her but I just couldn’t do that to her that easily.

“Baby come on, we can leave now” Dara’s soft voice breezed into my thoughts and pulled me back to reality.

We entered the waiting room again to find Bom and Minzy waiting there, eyes full of hope which quickly disappeared when Dara gently shook her head and couldn’t lift her eyes from the ground. They came and hugged us tightly, grief overcoming all of us.

“How long do we have with her?” Bom whispered in my ear

“About 3 months” I whispered back biting down hard on my lip to prevent the whimpers from escaping. I felt Bom’s body begin to sake and her head drop to my shoulder