“She is all I needed to survive; she is my pillar of strength always picking me up when I’m down”

But when tragedy strikes can she step in and be her strength, can she be by her side holding her hand until the end.

July 2011

Dara was never really sick, the only thing she ever got was a common cold and she managed to overcome it in a matter of days but for the past 6 weeks something had been wrong; you could see it in her eyes they weren’t their usual bright and shining self but they were dull, tired and carried pain in them. I was worried, she was dropping weight faster than she normally would; she was so tired that sometimes she couldn’t even get out of bed and go to practice, her moods dropping lower and lower the longer this was going on and almost every day she would complain of having pain in her joints, neck, back or abdomen. I couldn’t take it anymore and one day demanded that she went to see the doctor, begrudgingly she agreed and thank God she did, one doctor’s appointment turned into one hospital appointment and then another and then another for various tests and check-ups.

17^th of August 2011 is still clear in my mind almost as if it was yesterday; The phone rang in our dorm and I sprinted from my room to pick it up in time….

“Hello?”

“Hello is that Miss Sandara Park?”

“No this is ChaeRin, can I help you?”

“Would I be able to speak to Sandara please this is Doctor Palmer?”

“Oh Dara can’t come to the phone right now can I take a message?”

“Could you tell her I’ve booked an appointment for her to see me at 3.00pm today I need to talk to her about her test results?”

“Sure no problem”

“Thank you ChaeRin, goodbye”

“Goodbye”

I heard the click of him hanging up the phone and this feeling of unease began to creep up my body automatically; what if Dara is really sick? Something must be really wrong if he needs to see her so suddenly

I slowly walked along the hallway to Dara’s room, knocked on the door and slowly stepped in. Dara was just coming out of the bathroom after taking a shower; she was an awful grey colour and looked like taking that shower had drained all her energy.

“DARA sit down before you fall down” I ran to her side and eased her to a sitting position on her bed

“Are you ok?” I asked

Jesus ChaeRin what a stupid question she is clearly not alright, she observed Dara carefully, her face was so sunken and tired looking her jaw clenched tight as she tried to get to grips with the pain she was feeling

“Is it in your tummy, chest or back this time?” I asked, now all too familiar with the signs to indicate that Dara has aches or pains but doesn’t want to show it to its full extent

“M…….m……my tu……mmy” Dara barely got out between tightly gritted teeth as she wrapped her arms around her middle trying to ease the pain with some support

I pulled her in close to me and hugged her tightly and I internally winced when I could feel her ribs through her bathrobe, I felt the tears spring up in my eyes because I knew something was definitely wrong with her and the possibilities scared to me death, but I fought the tears back and hugged her tighter

“Ssantokki, Doctor Palmer called he said you are to go see him at 3.00pm to discuss your test results”

“Ok, Chae I know I never let you, Bom or Minzy come with me to all my other appointments but will you come with me to this one…….I’m scared of what he has to say”

“Absolutely, don’t worry Ssantokki don’t be scared I’ll be right next to you the whole time”

I left her to rest and went out to text Bom and Minzy and let them know what is going on

Bom and Minzy, hey Dara has an appointment at 3.00pm today and she has asked me to go along with her, I’ll call you when we are back and let you know what’s going on. ChaeRin x

My head was just swirling with all the possibilities of what could be wrong with her; Dara was the heart and soul of 2NE1, she had the ability to makes us all erupt into laughter with just a few words or a funny face, she eased pain and broken hearts with her kind words and she especially warmed my whole body when she called me by my pet names and would randomly declare to me that she loved me. She could turn your day around and make you lighter within an instant. Her being sick like this was a great concern to everyone and we all had been on tender hooks waiting to find out what was wrong with her.

My phone buzzed on my lap and lit up showing a message from Bom

Wish her luck from us both, call when you are back and we will come over xxx

I don’t know how I passed the time between then and getting Dara to the hospital, I must have been in some kind of daze

Helping Dara out of the car in front of the hospital I felt the uneasy feeling wash over me again, I tried to shake it off but this time it wouldn’t budge it only got stronger. We walked slowly through the maze of corridors in the hospital my eyes zoning in on every patient we walked passed wondering what they had and if it was the same as Dara’s illness. Finally we found Doctor Palmer’s room and took a seat in his waiting room. Dara huddled up on the couch and snuggled into my side trying to get comfortable, she was tired and wanted to just take a nap.

As the seconds ticked by I felt the nausea bubble up inside me; it was the fear of the unknown that was causing it and I felt the sweat run down my back as I began to panic, life without Dara could never happen but the thought of Dara dying kept edging its way from the back of my mind right to the front.

The door to Doctor Palmer’s office swung open and my eyes locked with his, I hoped he would be able to ease the panic I felt but unfortunately he didn’t, the way he looked at Dara only caused more alarm bells to go off in my head.

“Would you like to bring her in?” He asked and all I could do was nod.

I shook Dara lightly drawing her out from her sleep and helped her up into the doctor’s office.

“How have you been feeling Dara?” Doctor Palmer asked

“Ok” Dara replied

“Don’t lie” I breathed out

“She’s been getting more pain, she has vomited a few times and I guess you can probably see she has lost more weight”

“Can you tell me what is wrong with me?” Dara asked her hand slipping into mine and gripped it tightly.

I wasn’t a strongly religious person but in that moment I felt myself repeating prayers over and over again hoping that he would say something like she had a long acting virus and she’d be ok soon with rest

“Sandara we have run a number of tests and blood tests and I have great regret in telling you that you have Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma

“I don’t understand, what is that?” I blurted out

“It’s a form of cancer of the blood and it appears that the one you have is very aggressive, I’m sorry Sandara to give you such news.

It felt like my heart shattered and my stomach drop right to my feet; Dara had cancer, Dara actually had cancer, my bright and bubbly Ssantokki had cancer that has been slowly attacking her body.

I heard Dara take a sharp breath in and I quickly left my chair to gather her into my arms knowing that she was about to start crying, I needed to be strong for her right now, I needed to keep it together at least for now

“So what do we do about it, how do we fix this, how do we make her better?” I asked as I held Dara’s shaking body closer and whispered words of comfort to her

“Sanadara’s type is very advanced, to treat it we could try a combination of chemotherapy and radiation but unfortunately there is no guarantee that this will work”

It’s like every word he said was another nail in Dara’s coffin, he was telling me Dara might not make it through, that she might not be strong enough to fight it, was he giving up on her?

“How long?” Dara whispered

“Don’t!” I answered back fully aware of what she was asking

“Pardon?” Doctor Palmer asked

“How long do I have?” Dara asked again this time her voice more determined

“If the treatment works you have a great outlook; the 10 year survival rate is high and many people are completely cured

“But if the treatment doesn’t work?” Dara interrupted

“People who have lymphoma outside the lympnodes and in 2 organs like you have are difficult to cure, if the treatment doesn’t work and taking into account the stage you are at I’d say 6 months to a year

The room fell silent, it was a painful silence, I wanted to scream and let it all out but I couldn’t, Dara was always my pillar of strength it was time for me to be that pillar of strength for her.

“Ok so what is the next step, where do we go from here?” I asked, Dara by now had dissolved back into tears again

“If Sanadara wants to proceed with treatment we can start her chemotherapy and radiation as soon as next week” Doctor Palmer stated

“Dara tell him that you want to start the treatment as soon as possible!” I demanded propping Dara’s chin up with my hand and looking her right in the eye, silently pleading with her not to give up before we had even started.

“I would like the treatment please” Dara confirmed as she wiped her tears and turned to face the doctor again

“I will get that all organised for you Sandara, but I need you to understand one thing, this treatment isn’t going to be easy there are a lot of side effects associated with it, and you’ll need a lot of support around you to go through this

Dara nodded slowly almost resigned to what was going to become of her

“Don’t worry she’ll have a lot of support around her, she is well loved” I retorted not wanting him to think Dara would be doing this alone

Everything from side effects to plans for hospital stays were discussed and he said he would call us tomorrow to tell us what date her chemotherapy would begin.

The drive home was completely silent, Dara completely overwhelmed by what she had just been told and me mulling over the possibility of life without Dara; with everything in my power I wasn’t going to let that happen.

She walked off to her room and closed the door as I grabbed the phone to call Bom and ran to my room and locked myself in my bathroom

“Hello?”

“Bommie, you and Minzy need to get her right now!!”

“Why Chae what’s wrong?” Bom’s voice cracked as the concert began to mount inside her

“Dara has cancer” I whispered and the tears finally fell, the dam had been broken and they were just flooding out. A strangled cry came from the other end of the phone followed by a

“We’ll be right there” and she hung up

I turned and looked in the mirror ~stop crying ChaeRin, you can’t do this now, Dara needs you the most right now, she’s broken and she needs you to help put her back together. So pick up your courage and be what she needs you to be~ with shaking hands I pulled my towel from the rack and wiped my face and fixed my hair trying my best to make it look like I hadn’t been crying

I didn’t even bother knocking on her door, I though at a time like this it wasn’t important. She was lying on the bed her body facing away from me and climbed on beside her and pulled her body in close to mine and dropped a kiss to her shoulder

“Please Dara fight this, I’ll be next to you every second of your treatment, and if you feel too tired to fight I’ll do it for you, but please, please Ssantokki don’t give up”

“I won’t don’t worry CL-Roo I’ll fight it with everything I have and then some more, I’m not ready to go, I have so much more I want to do, so much more I want to see” Dara replied she turned and snuggled in closer fitting her head in under my chin.

I heard Dara’s door open and I craned my neck to see Bom and Minzy standing in the door tears streaming down their faces, I motioned for them to come over and the two without hesitation climbed onto the bed and huddled into Dara; we were together as four, giving her strength and support and most of all comfort to know that she was safe with us.