Friday, December 28^th, 2013

Dear Baek,

I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Why am I always the one making an effort to keep us going? Why can’t you shed some sweat, blood, and tears too?

I am always the one replying to your short and perhaps meaningless (to you but meaningful to me) text messages, and your calls that never lasts more than a minute.

I am always the one answering to your (rhetorical) questions to not let our conversation die, and in the end they always end up dying anyway.

I am always the one doing this and that. And why is that? My reason is you and only you. I do all these (stupid) things because of you. Because of us. I don’t want to break off what we have between us. I don’t want to end what we’ve already started. I don’t want us to split apart and go our separate ways. I don’t want any of that.

I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

Especially when you do nothing to maintain our relationship. Especially when you do nothing to stabilize my insecurity that’s been gnawing at me whether you know it or not. All those sweet, caring things you’d whisper in my ears are just empty words to you, but they meant the world to me. Especially when I don’t know whether you “like” me or “like like” me to the point where you can say those three words with love and sincerity.

I hate it.

Especially when you leave me doing everything by myself. It’s almost as if you don’t care. About me. About us. Everything I do, I do it for you. But what about you? Everything you do, do you ever think about me? You never think of me. It’s almost as if I’m nothing to you now. As if my presence doesn’t matter any longer. You’ve long forgotten about me and there’s so little I could do about it.

I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

The feeling of being alone. I hate it. It’s slowly eating me from the inside until I’m only left with bones. No skin, just bones. The least you could do (for me) is remind yourself that you’re not alone because I will always be by your side, regardless of what happens. That is what I always tell you. I will always be there. For you, I will. No matter what happens, I will always be by your side. So please, tell me that now so I won’t feel forgotten. Alone. Abandoned.

I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I absolutely hate this.

I don’t think I can continue loving you like this, sacrificing my happiness for you. I’ve got my own life to live and this time, you won’t be in it. I’m ending this chapter of our lives with a goodbye. This is the conclusion I’ve decided upon after hours of wasting my precious moments on you.

Why should I do this to myself? Why should I put so much effort to keep us going when you’re not even putting an ounce of effort for us to work? I’m not a toy to be played with and then thrown away when I no longer hold any value to you. I am not a rebound, a replacement. I am not a selfless person. I am not willing to continue waiting for you to walk through my front door and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I am none of that and will not be any of that.

For you, I won’t.

Because someone out there is worth my time. Someone out there is willing to wait for me and willing to spend the rest of his life with me. Someone out there will reply to my messages and my calls. Someone out there will cheer me up when we get into an argument. Someone out there is going to give his all so that we will last.

And that person isn’t you and won’t ever be you.  

I will hate myself for doing this but it’s the only right thing to do. I’ll learn to adapt. To adjust to my life without you in it. I will hate myself for ending what we’ve already started. After all, I’m the type of person to finish what I’ve started. But for the sake of my own happiness, this is the only solution I have.

So I guess this is it. This is how I am going to end this chapter of our story.

Goodbye.