Sungmin tried to burry his nose even more inside the thick scarf. It was cold, far too cold for his liking, but what could you expect in the early morning of January? The snow was scrunching beneath his shoes as he walked towards the bus station. Damn the university for making him visit the bibliotheca during his winter break, furthermore on the 1^st of January.

There just couldn’t be a better way to celebrate the new year…

He returned the wave of the old lady which lived a few houses down the road. Sungmin always forgot her name, but she made great pumpkin cake, so he had reserved one of his most convincing smiles for her, whenever they met.

She walked towards him and smiled gently as he slowed down his steps.

“Sungmin, it’s so nice to see you, boy. I hope you had a great New Year’s Eve. Did your whole family come, yes?”

Sungmin nodded, his smile looking absolutely naturally. “Yes ma’am, it was a great night. I hope the same goes for you.”

“Oh you know, I mainly tried to calm down my poor cat, the whole firework is always terrible for the poor thing.”

Sungmin nodded understandingly as he suddenly spotted the bus only a few meters away from the bus station.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but I need to get my bus. Have a great day!”

“Oh, hurry up boy! And thank you!” she waved a last time and turned around to walk back to her house, already pondering if she had all ingredients to make a pumpkin cake for the polite son of the nice Lee family.

 

The polished façade of the bibliotheca felt like a hit right into the face of the tall brunet. Kyuhyun was sitting on his already a little bit shabby motorcycle glaring at everyone who dared to look in his direction. He had a bad day, but thinking about it, almost every day was a bad one in his opinion. The fact that it was the 1^st January didn’t change this, it even made it worse.

Another year mainly on the streets.

Great.

Kyuhyun stared at the faces of all those people leaving or entering the large building. A few of them walked in groups, chatting happily, others walked alone, their faces serious. Kyuhyun despised all of them. They complained about their live, not knowing that they lived a dream. School work? Annoying teachers or a terrible boss at work? Kyuhyun would take all of this without hesitation. Instead he was sitting here, alone, after he had been fired once again.

The job had been crappy anyways, he had been treated like a slave and the salary had been low.

But it had been money.

Now he needed to get money fast, because the debt-collectors were not the most patient people out there. He needed the money today.

Suddenly his eyes settled on a quite short guy, probably a few years older than himself, although he had a very cute face. Kyuhyun noticed the bright pink scarf around the guy’s neck with slight irritation, but quickly focused on the other’s red bag instead. The clothes of the guy were expensive, and all in all he looked like one of those spoiled children with rich parents which bought them everything they wanted.

Kyuhyun sighed as he watched the guy walking down the street. He started the engine of his beloved motorcycle his eyes still fixed on the guy’s back. He hated doing those things, but that boy probably slept on mattresses stuffed with bills.

He wouldn’t miss that bag and it’s content that much.

Kyuhyun glared at the old photo of his father he always carried around in his pocket of his jacket.

“Bastard.” he muttered before following the other guy.

 

Sungmin lightly nodded in synch with the music he was listening to as he walked towards the bus station of the bibliotheca. His researches had been quite successfully, so he hoped he could finish that damn essay soon.

Avoiding the looks of the people around him, he quietly hummed the melody of his favorite song. He smiled bitterly as he imagined his life without music. He probably would have gone insane long ago.

The music in his ears muffled the surprised screams behind him, as he suddenly felt a strong pull on his bag. Everything happened so quickly he could do nothing than stare at the vanishing motorcycle in shock, as it drove away, his red bag in the hands of the driver.

“Are you okay? Should I call the police?” a man asked him, looking at him worriedly.

Sungmin succeeded in plastering a faked smile on his face – out of routine. He shook his head. “I’m alright, thanks. I’ll contact the police myself, don’t worry.”

With a small bow he quickly walked towards the bus station, still not completely believing what just happened. As he finally sat inside the bus, staring outside of the window he suddenly realized that he now had to do the research all over again. He groaned and hit his head against the window, cursing inaudibly at the bastard on that damn motorcycle.

It wasn’t until he had closed the door of his room after avoiding his parents, that he realized that something else had been inside that bag. He cursed – very audibly this time – and started going through every drawer of his room, looking through his whole university stuff. Fighting against the tears in his eyes, he let himself fall onto the floor.

That bastard had stolen it.

 

Cursing loudly Kyuhyun threw the red bag onto the ground. There was no money in it at all, if he ignored the few coins he had found in one of the small pockets. He sat down on the dirty ground of the small alley at the edge of the city. He didn’t know what to do. It was almost evening, and he had not even half of the money due to today.

He was so screwed.

And he had stolen that stupid bag for nothing at all. He glared at the red fabric, feeling angry and guilty at the same time. He hated stealing, but he hated it even more if it was in vain.

Suddenly his eyes fell on a small pink notebook. Slowly he opened it, hesitatingly scanning through the pages. Although he didn’t want to invade the privacy of the unknown guy, he hoped to find the address of him inside the book.

It seemed as if the pink-loving guy used the notebook as some kind of diary. Almost all of the pages were covered with neat, small writing. Only a few pages at the end were still blank. Kyuhyun felt another rush of guilt going through his body. This notebook was probably very important to the short guy.

Now he was determined to give it back to him.

Slowly he opened the notebook on the first page, hoping to find at least a name. Instead he couldn’t help but read the first sentence.

 

Does me wishing to kill him make me as bad as him?

 

Kyuhyun stared at the sentence, at the words, trying to understand what he just read. Why would one of those spoiled children write something like this? That guy, the cute looking, obviously pink-loving guy… he hated someone so much he wanted to kill him?

He knew it was wrong. Those words weren’t supposed to be read by him. But somehow Kyuhyun could read the same desperation behind those words he himself felt.

Looking around to make sure no one would bother him, Kyuhyun opened the book again, starting to read.

 

I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t think like this. But he deserves it, right? Everything he does… all those lies he builds up to cover his dark secrets, the truth… I hate them. I hate this. I just want to run. Run away, somewhere, I don’t care. I hate this life, I hate my own smile because it’s fake. It’s always fake. And I hate him. I hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him.

 

Kyuhyun frowned, almost hearing his own voice saying those words. He hadn’t even realized just how much hatred he had buried inside himself, but reading those words… it was like finally listening to his own feelings, his own voice. He took a deep breath, feeling irritated as he realized that his breath was shaky.

The he started reading again.

 

Sometimes I hate her as well, although she never does anything. But that’s why I hate her. I shouldn’t hate her, but I just… it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. Today he did it again. After the ma’am had left. Slapped her in her face. I could hear it although I was in my room. But she didn’t say anything. WHY DOES SHE NEVER SAY ANYTHING? She brought me a piece of the pumpkin cake right after that. She smiled. I hate her smile. It’s just as fake as mine.

He didn’t hit me. Not today. He’ll hit me tomorrow twice as much because of that. I know that. I just want to hit him. Slap that smug grin out of his face. He always shows it when we have guests. Pretends that we’re a happy family.

She just came back again. She just stared at me, the right side of her face red. She said that I have to understand him.

I hate her.

 

Sungmin stared at the tired face of his mother as she opened the door of his room. He didn’t even try to return her tired smile, not answering anything as she said that his father had to work late again.

He knew that his father didn’t work this late. His mother knew it as well.

As she closed the doors again, he continued staring at the door. He hated his room. It was cold, the walls plain white like at a hospital.

 

He tore down the poster of my favorite group. Called them ‘dirty faggots’. He said it was because of them that I was such a fail. He doesn’t allow any posters at the walls. He doesn’t allow me to paint them.

They’re white. White walls. I can see them wherever I go. They’re always around me. White walls, walls, walls…

 

Kyuhyun looked up from the notebook as he suddenly heard a car stopping near him. He stood up slowly, trying to see who was approaching him. His face hardened as he recognized the cold face of the two debt-collectors.

“Well, isn’t it great to see you two again?” he said sarcastically, trying to show as much confidence as he knew he didn’t have.

 

One of my friends came over to work at a school project. After he left he came inside my room. He asked if my friend was a ‘’ as well. I told him no. That we’re just friends. He didn’t believe me. He doesn’t want to believe me. He only sees what he wants to see. He beat me up. It’s midnight, but I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because everything hurts.

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. The teachers will ask questions again. Just like my friends. And then I need to lie. I hate lying. He lies. Always. I don’t want to be like him. I hate him.

But I can’t skip school either. He’ll beat me up again.

And she doesn’t say anything. How can she say that she loves me when she only looks, only watches, always watches. Always silent.

 

Sungmin breathed in relief as he heard his parents leaving the house. They were invited on a business party of his father’s company. He hadn’t seen his father at all today. He considered that as the best birthday present he had got in a long time.

His mother had given him a present. A guitar. His last one had been crashed as his father had hit him with it. He had been drunk at that time. His father was often drunk. But he isn’t always drunk when he’s violent.

Sungmin stared at the guitar in his hands. This was the only escape he had. Music didn’t broke down the walls around him, but it left small cracks in them. And sometimes he could see through those cracks.

Searching for a few seconds he found the sheets of music he had printed out secretly. They showed the sheet music of a few songs of his favorite group. He wasn’t allowed to listen to their music, but their music was the only rebellion he had, so he did it anyways.

 

I feel like my room becomes smaller when he’s inside it. The walls come nearer, and there’s no air.

I think I’m really afraid of him. It’s weak. I hate that I’m so weak. Why can’t I be strong? Why can’t I run? Just run away, somewhere else. Grab my guitar and leave all of this, him, her, my friends who don’t even know me, the pumpkin cake lady who has never seen a true smile from my whole family. Leave our neighbors who hear the screams, the yells, but who are silent. Why is everyone around me silent?

Why is there no one who talks?

I just want someone beside me who dares to talk. Someone who knows what’s behind the walls.

I just don’t want to be alone.

 

Kyuhyun stared at the large house and the expensive car in front of it. If he wouldn’t have known it better he would have thought that a family like the ones he hated so much lived here.

But he knew better.

Suddenly the front door opened and a man and a women stepped outside. The tall brunet quickly hided behind another expensive looking, parking car (did everyone who lived here rolled in money?). He watched the couple arguing in hushed voices before they drove away.

He searched for a bell but couldn’t find anything. Kyuhyun rolled his eyes as he realized that he had to climb over the fence surrounding the large property. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem, but the two s of debt-counselors hadn’t been very happy as he couldn’t give them their money.

Oh well, he had been beaten up worse before.

Clenching his teeth he cursed because of ice which made it even harder to climb up the fence. The red bag of the other boy was save on his back as he finally let himself fall in the snow. He groaned but tried to be as quite as possible as he limped towards the front door of the large building.

He had been incredible lucky. He would have never found the damn house if he wouldn’t have helped that old lady carrying her bags full of groceries to her car. The woman hadn’t stopped talking about that “wonderful boy in the neighborhood” who loved pumpkin, why she always baked him some pumpkin cake. The possibility that it was the same guy was almost nonexistent, but Kyuhyun hoped fate was on his side at least this time.

And seemingly it was, because the house and the arguing couple fitted perfectly in the picture drawn by the entries in the small notebook. And if it wasn’t the right address he could still ask for a donation for homeless children in Korea.

Kyuhyun took a deep breath before ringing the bell. He didn’t know what he expected. He didn’t even know why he was here.

But somehow he believed that this guy, behind this door, needed his help, just like he himself needed the other’s help.

 

I didn’t ask for anything for my birthday. I know I’ll get a present. I don’t want one. I don’t want another perfect little present which is part of this perfect lie.

The walls seem to come nearer every day. Even when he isn’t there. Even when I’m outside. I can’t escape. I can’t hear the music anymore, no matter how high I turn the volume up. I don’t here anything.

There is only silence.

Silence.

Walls.

Silence.

White walls.

 

Sungmin frowned as he opened the door just to face a guy younger than him, but taller. He couldn’t remember seeing him ever before, and wondered for a second how the hell the stranger had been able to enter their property. Had his father forgotten to close the gate?

Then he realized the bruises and dirty clothes of the other. Automatically he tried to close the door again, afraid to be robbed again or something else like that. He was stopped by a strong but not harsh grip on his arm. He looked up and was stunned by the intense look in the other’s eyes. Suddenly he got a glimpse of a red bag on the other’s back. He opened his mouth but was stopped by the other once again.

“Yes, I’m the idiot who stole your bag earlier. I’m sorry, okay? I just… I think I can help you.”

Sungmin stared at the other, completely confused. His eyes widened as he saw his notebook in the stranger’s other hand and he quickly took it, pressing it protectively against his chest.

The younger guy sighed before pointing at the notebook. “Look… I didn’t want to invade your privacy… but I read a few of the things you wrote, and…”

Feeling hurt and embarrassed, Sungmin immediately tried to close the door agin. But then the stranger said something, which made him think again.

“I feel them too, okay? Those walls! But my walls aren’t white, they’re black. And they’re everywhere.”

Sungmin hesitated, listening to the other’s voice.

“Please, I know you don’t trust me, why should you? But I really just want to talk with you. My name is Kyuhyun by the way. What’s your name?”

 

“Sungmin.”

The door slowly opened again revealing once again the wide, shocked eyes of the other man. Kyuhyun tried to smile reassuringly, but he had never been very good at smiling. Or if he had, he had forgotten about that time.

“Hi Sungmin. Could I maybe… come in? I don’t really want that everyone hears what I tell you.”

Although Sungmin hesitated a little bit longer, Kyuhyun knew the other would eventually let him in. He knew the look in Sungmin’s eyes. The older didn’t really care anymore. He was willing to take any risk, as long as it probably helped to break another crack into those walls.

As Sungmin took a step backwards, Kyuhyun stepped forward, entering the house he had read about. The tension between them was almost visible. Kyuhyun took off his shoes and looked nervously at the other, who simply stared at him.

“My room is upstairs.” Sungmin suddenly said in a flat voice, walking towards the stairs without looking behind to check if Kyuhyun followed him.

They walked in complete silence. Kyuhyun wondered why they even trusted each other. Yes, he had read Sungmin’s diary, but that didn’t tell him everything about the real person. And Sungmin didn’t know anything about him, except that he robbed random people.

That wasn’t really the best base for a friendship.

 

Sungmin sat down on his bed while Kyuhyun stood in the middle of the room, scanning the white walls around him. Making a decision, he turned towards Sungmin, saying in a quite steady voice: “You wrote that you hate silence. I won’t be silent. I’ll tell you everything about me, because as much as you need someone who talks, I need someone who listens, okay? Please listen to what I say.”

Sungmin’s eyes widened, but he nodded.

“My mum died when I was two years old. Since then I grew up only with my older brother and my father. My father drinks everything which contains alcohol and hasn’t worked since at least ten years. With sixteen years I needed to leave school to work and earn money. We never lived very long in the same flat, so no one ever realized our situation. Or if they did, they didn’t care. My brother ignores our situation, parties the whole time and worsens our situation.”

Kyuhyun didn’t know when he had started walking through the room, but he didn’t care. He felt the sudden urge to punch something really hard at the thought of his useless brother.

“My father made debts, a lot of them. That’s why I need to earn as much money as possible. But do you know how ing hard it is to get a joy with a decent pay when you never graduated? When you don’t have a driving license? When you’re ing eighteen years old?”

Kyuhyun groaned, letting himself fall on the floor. He glanced at Sungmin and felt encouraged at the attentive eyes of the older.

Sungmin listened.

Someone listened to him.

“I lost my last joy because my idiot of a brother decided to show up drunk during my shift. Some bad things happened and I was fired. That’s why I stole your bag. I needed money, desperately. I’m really sorry for that, I hate stealing, and after reading through your notebook I know that you’re the last person I would rob.”

 

Sungmin was silent for a moment before shrugging. “I understand your situation, so I’m not mad at you.”

Another short break of silence.

“You said you feel the walls too?”

Kyuhyun raised his head, looking right into the expressive eyes of Sungmin. He could see the same pain, the same fear and the same loneliness he felt as well.

He nodded.

“They’re black. Because of them I can’t escape from this horrible situation. I want to run away so badly, do you understand? You do, right?”

Sungmin nodded, sitting down on the floor as well. “I want to run as well. Grab my guitar and nothing else and just… run.”

Kyuhyun looked at the guitar and smiled weakly. “I’ve read that music is your escape. I feel the same, you know? Do you know the group Shinhwa? They’ve debuted quite some time ago, but I love their music.”

Sungmin raised an eyebrow before standing up, walking towards his guitar. Kyuhyun watched in confusion how the older picked up some sheets of paper before retuning to him. Sungmin sat down a lot more closer to him, and even smiled as he passed the paper towards Kyuhyun. The latter saw through the sheets with wide eyes, reading all the titles of his favorite songs of his favorite group.

“They save me every day. “ Sungmin said calmly, knowing that Kyuhyun would understand him.

They sat next to each other for some time, silent but not completely. Although they didn’t spoke there was a silent conversation going on between them. After about ten minutes, they both felt closer to each other than to anyone else they had known for years.

 

“My father hates me because I’m gay.” Sungmin suddenly said.

Kyuhyun looked at the other in surprise, than he continued staring at the music sheets in front of him. “He has no right to do so. Love is human, which means it’s not based on a gender or a nationality. Love has no borders…” he looked at Sungmin, who returned his look just as directly. “There are no walls for love.”

Kyuhyun sighed before he continued. “I’m bi. My father calls me a sick bastard, but he doesn’t care as long as the debt-collectors don’t get him.”

“Why do you let them destroy your life?” Sungmin asked quietly. “They have no right to do so.”

“They’re still my family.” Kyuhyun said slowly. “I hate them, I really do, and I don’t feel guilty about it. But my brother would probably end up killing himself because of his own stupidity. And my father is just… he isn’t the same man anymore, but still deserves to live… somehow. I think.”

Sungmin sighed, before suddenly leaning against the taller’s body, closing his eyes.

“I just don’t understand what they did to deserve to live like this, when they destroy our lives by doing so. Don’t we deserve to live as well?”

Kyuhyun laid his arm around the shoulders of Sungmin out of pure instinct. It just felt right. “We can’t understand it, because it doesn’t make sense. Life doesn’t make sense.”

 

A sudden ringtone interrupted their conversation. Kyuhyun quickly pulled out his old mobile phone pout of his pocket and rolled his eyes as he saw the name of the caller.

“What?” he asked in a harsh tone.

After a few moments of listening to the words of the caller before he suddenly ended the call without saying anything else.

A few seconds passed during which Kyuhyun didn’t move at all, his body tense and his brows furrowed. Then he suddenly turned completely towards Sungmin, startling the older man.

“He’s arrested.”

“What? Who’s arrested?” Sungmin asked.

“My brother. That idiot has stolen a car – he was drunk of course – and drove into some shop. He gave our address to the police and apparently they’ll take care of my bastard of father as well. They’ll probably force him to be in rehab…”

They were silent for a moment, until Kyuhyun suddenly jumped on his feet. “That’s our chance Sungmin! Don’t you see it? I don’t have to worry about those idiots anymore… we can run, Sungmin. Now. Tonight. Let’s just run away.”

Sungmin stood up as well, staring at the younger with wide eyes. “Our chance? Kyuhyun, I still have my parents. I need to go to the university. I can’t just… run.”

“You CAN!” Kyuhyun yelled, taking the other’s hands in his owns. “Don’t be so silent Sungmin, just scream. Why do you want to stay with your family?”

“I don’t know.” Sungmin murmured.

“I don’t hear anything! WHY, SUNGMIN??”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Sungmin screamed, finally releasing the tension he had felt during the last years of his live.

“WHY DO YOU GO TO THE UNIVERSITY?”

“BECAUSE MY FATHER WANTS ME TO!”

“DO YOU WANT IT?”

“NO!”

Sungmin panted heavily, surprised by himself. He had never wanted to go to the university in first place, but he had buried that thought deep inside himself. Life was easier if you forgot about your old dreams and just accepted the reality you seemingly couldn’t change.

Looking at his guitar now, Sungmin knew that he had never really given up on his dream.

 

Kyuhyun suddenly seemed to glow from the inside, his eyes were shining brightly as he started laughing.

“I can’t feel them anymore, Sungmin. The walls, those damn black walls… they’re gone. I’m free, I can run.”

“But… I can’t… we can’t… together.” Sungmin protested weakly, but he was stopped by Kyuhyun who waved his hands impatiently.

“No Sungmin, you can, I can, we can, alright? We’ll run, together, because although I only know you since… maybe tow hours, I like you more than the rest of world. I won’t let you here, left behind, trapped inside the white walls. Please.” Kyuhyun looked deep into Sungmin’s eyes. “Please run with me.”

Sungmin felt as if his head was exploding. There was so much which spoke against this insane plan – if you could call it a plan. His parents would call the police, which probably searched for Kyuhyun already. His winter break ended in two weeks.

Everything spoke against it. 

Except one crazy guy he had met two hours ago and who had robbed him about five hours ago.

Sungmin smiled as he looked into Kyuhyun’s eyes.

“We need to hurry, who knows when the police will figure out that the drunk has a younger brother. I’ll leave a note for my parents, so they won’t call the police… we don’t need to worry about money either. My parents never really gave me love, but money they gave easily.”

Kyuhyun laughed, almost crashing Sungmin in a tight embrace.

“We can take my motorcycle. It may not be the newest piece of metal on the street, but it never lets me down. And then we’ll just drive away.” He smiled at Sungmin. “Far away from the white walls.”

Sungmin smiled, and once again it was a true smile. While Kyuhyun grabbed some of Sungmin’s clothes, the latter scribbled down a short note for his parents. He didn’t write when he’d come back, because he didn’t know it himself. But his parents wouldn’t call the police… because then Sungmin would start to talk as well. Looking at the chaos Kyuhyun created in his normally tidy room while searching for a toothbrush, Sungmin knew he now had the strength to talk.

The silence was gone.

 

“Hey, any idea where we should go?” Sungmin asked curiously as he closed the front door behind him. He didn’t look behind, his eyes were fixed on the tall figure of Kyuhyun, who had pulled out a second helmet out of one side bag of his motorcycle as if by magic.

“Actually I do.” Kyuhyun grinned, his face barely visible since it was by now in the deep of the night. “Guess who gives a concert in two days in Seoul.”

“No way!” Sungmin gasped, adjusting his guitar on his back.

“Oh yes, we will see Shinhwa and no one is going to stop us!” Kyuhyun laughed, throwing the helmet towards Sungmin.

“You’re crazy.” Sungmin grinned. “There’s no way there are still tickets left. This whole thing is crazy.” Nevertheless he put on the helmet. Simply because he could breath freely. There was only the darkness of the night and Kyuhyun’s excited voice around him.

No walls. There were no walls who would have prevented him from running.

Kyuhyun shook his head.

“This isn’t called being crazy. This is called being alive.”

 

 

There is no one who doesn't fail! Don't back up, fight back!
There is nothing more beautiful than overcoming it! You have to trust me.

 

There is a dream, a dream higher than the sky. I want to know.
Couldn't you just give me the confidence to do things my own way?

 

Could you just teach me the way to love and respect?
Have you ever thought of teaching me the way to stand up alone?

 

Don't give up because you're afraid of the future.
The world that will be in front of you.......

(last part of "Yo!" by Shinhwa)

 

---

 

Well, I hope you liked it.

There will be a short (really short) Epilogue which I'll proabably upload tomorrow.

Just in case you wonder about Sungmin's age, he's around 21 years old.

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