To the only one I loved so much, 

Do you remember that time when you asked me if I knew someone perfect? I do. It's you. Such a waste that I can't really tell you that now face to face. I am so mad at myself for not doing that. I was just scared that what if you don't feel the same? What if you love someone else as hopelessly as I do to you? What if? What if you just see me as someone who's there, everytime just for you to talk to and laugh with? I'm scared. I was scared. 

I miss you, you know that. I keep thinking "What if you were still here and I'm talking to you? What if I told you everything I felt?" and it ing hurts so ing much. I know and I completely understand that you're already in a really better place far away from me. I hope you're happy there. I hope you're having what you always wanted - a happy life. I miss you. I really do. But I try my best not to cry because if I do again, I'm not going to stop. 

You know, it's such a waste that you didn't see me bake your favorite cake perfectly because you would always laugh at me those times when it tasted really bad. You never got to see me finally walking up the stage wearing that black toga receiving the rolled paper. You never really saw the tree that we both planted grow. You never saw me finish the drama series we both used to love. It's so sad not having you here. It feels so empty. 

I thought you were so strong and you could make it through whatever but I was wrong. I thought wrong. I thought being strong was fighting through it but you showed me that being strong is being able to let go when you've held onto it for a long time. And I thank you for that. 

Every day goes on like "I wish I could talk to you for a while" but we both know that's impossible. As time goes by, I miss you more with each passing day. Not having you here feels so not right. Not having you here is like losing something that I once owned and treasured so much but I didn't own you and that was what made it more painful. I thought to myself How could I hurt like this? and I heard the answer — because I love you. I love you so much I could go crazy. But you don't know. 

Hyunseung, can I see you again? If yes, can I know when and where I can meet you so I won't be late? Can you tell me what to bring and what to wear so I could get it all ready for you? Can you tell me? Please tell me. 

Life wouldn't be the same without you and all the memories you've given me but I have to accept the reality. The fact that you're gone forever.

I won’t say goodbye. I will never. There is nothing ever pretty in saying goodbye. Because I think it would be easier to just disappear and spare myself from the messy details of goodbye. Hyunseung, I’m not afraid of dying because that means I would see you again. What scares me is the possibility that there might be no life after death and we’d all be just forgotten. That scares me. But don’t worry, you’ll never be forgotten. You will always be with me together with all the painful and happy memories you gave me. I promise.

The one who loves you unconditionally,

Hyuna