The first snow of the year fell on the street which was full of people. At Hongdae, downtown of Seoul, place of urban chicks and trends hang from here to there crowded with plenty of christmas adornments. No wonder at this very cold day, people were still rumming around Hongdae. Some of them looking for gifts, some are merely enjoying their day inside warm and comfort coffee shops. Seohae on the other hand is freezing under her snowflake pattern sweater. Her hands held her empty cup of hot macchiato and two boxes of cold take-away fried tomyam noodle. She chose not to enter another coffee shop because she just got out from the one she bought her macchiato from. If her bestfriend told her that she still got stuck on the subway station, Seohae had rather chose to sit inside the shop. “Ow, dang!” she yelped unavoidable curse.
“Nami!! God, What took you long enough for me to run around Hongdae’s street?” Seohae’s big eyes dug furious as her long-awaited friend appeared in front of her.
“Sorry, got stuck in the middle of crazy people down there,” her friend points out the subway stairs where most of the people was shouldering each other to walk out.
“Told ya to take the bus!” Though Seohae didn’t want to let her friend go easy, she instead linked her free arm with Nami and there they were walking with linked arms in the middle of Hongdae’s crowd while humming to their favorite christmas song.

Both of them arrived at one’s apartment which looks ancient enough to be called as an apartment. From outside, you even could barely recognize this as an apartment because of its small size and rummaged wall. There is only one sophisticated thing on it, doorlock with digital password and a card key. But Nami still insisted to call her place as an apartment whatever the other might said.
“You got yourself a cute christmas tree, Nami!” As she was walking into Nami’s place, Seohae complimented the small white christmas tree at the corner of living room.
“It’s from Yixing’s mom, sent from China. Cool, huh?” Nami bragged herself.
“Okay,” Seohae plumped her body onto the old cushy sofa of Nami’s. She found herself became so usual with her habit of coming to her bestfriend’s place. Feeling its warmness while hugging a fluffy teddy bear, Seohae’s mind was recalling last year’s memories. It was happened here at Nami’s place.

“Seohae! Help me back here!” Nami beckoned for her name asking to help bringing in bottles of Soju and dried squid (Ojingo).
“A moment,” Seohae mouthed to a guy beside her. “God, Nami! Do you really have to bother someone’s happiness?” said her as she walked into the kitchen.
“Sorry. I don’t know that you and Chanyeol were doing the lovey-dovey things. But give me credits, Yixing hasn’t home and the others are busy playing.”
“Do you need any other help?” A raspy yet modest voice emerged from the kitchen door.
“Nope. All set.” Seohae gave the boy a thumb, noticing him there was nothing to worry about.
“Are ya sure, Babe?” Instead of making his way back to the living room, Chanyeol propped his back on the kitchen drawer sneaking a dried squid into his mouth.
“Gosh, when will Yixing be home?” Nami gulped her soju as she made her way out of the kitchen then leaving the couple giggling at her reaction.
They stood in silent. A heavenly comfort silent while staring and each other’s presence. No one wanted to break the silence as they enjoyed being in the moment. That was when Seohae found her fondness of being Chanyeol’s. His goofy laugh, his warm smile, his welcoming eyes, his loving voice, Seohae couldn’t even number her reasons to want Chanyeol. At that time, everything he did was effectively made Seohae goes crazy on her feet. And at that time, Seohae did believe she wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

“Don’t you dare sleeping, Seohae!” Nami threw her a big size of pillow on her head, reminding her current situation. “Yixing called saying he was on his way back with the guys.”
“The guys?”
“Yep, the other 9 guys. I hate it when they could make it. I am the one who will clean their mess! God.” Nami nagged as she putting the soju on the table.
“There will be no Chanyeol, wont it?” Seohae asked with a tiny souless voice of her.
“I don’t know but Yixing said he has a gig at a cafe with Kyungsoo.” More of a sympathic voice came from Nami this time. She knew it was hard for Seohae to get over Chanyeol but they’re already friends from the beginning so it was even hard to avoid their meetings.

One hour later Nami’s small living room was full of boys ranting chatting and yelling to each other. Seohae felt her eyes were heavy as she took the last straw of her Cider. “Seohae,” a familiar voice caught her off guard. “Gosh, Baekhyun.” She hugged her legs then laid her left side on the sofa. “What were you thinking? You looked tired.” Baekhyun made his way to sit beside her. The smell of liquor was strong enough to make Seohae notice how many bottles Baekhyun has drunk.
“I am.” Seohae wanted to give Baekhyun a cold answer but it came out so wrong. Instead she sounded so weak and hoarse.
“Did you eat too many dried squid?” Though Beakhyun knew his weird joke wouldn’t make any better that was the best he could do. Everyone in this room knew why Seohae would act this way.
Seohae knew she won’t get away with Baekhyun. She already ignored Jongdae, Sehun, even Jongin who tried to prolong their conversations with sort of empty talk. But with Baekhyun is different. He’s one of the best guy friend Seohae knows and with him conversation would go tricky.
“Chanyeol won’t come today. But we can visit him if you want.” Baekhyun offered her his phone with Chanyeol’s number on the screen. “In case you’re missing him a lot and you already erased his number.”
“I hate you,” Seohae muttered. She didn’t mean it though. Yet Baekhyun was right at the very logic point and he was indeed true. Seohae missed Chanyeol as much as she wanted to hug his board and warm body right now. She even wanted to breathe the smell of strong scent of his perfume.
“You don’t have to lie to yourself, ya know?” Baekhyun place his arm behind her neck, pulling her closer like Seohae was his sister. “Give him a call.”
Seohae wanted to do that from long ago, from the last time she ever talked to Chanyeol. From the last time she sobbed at the name of him, from the last time she checked on him at his usual cafe. However Seohae always thought she didn’t have the courage. She knew Chanyeol didn’t want him and he was wrong to play with her heart. And she hated the fact that getting over him was not an easy task to do.

Last year’s first snow at Nami’s apartment, was the very first anniversary for Seohae and Chanyeol. It wasn’t easy for them to stay strong until their one year relationship. Their busy life consumed all the chances they had to be together. Nami who was at her senior year and was looking for any job that would make her settle at the high cost of living at Seoul and Chanyeol who was busy chasing his dream from cafe to cafe from recording studio to the part time jobber. Those times, they were lucky enough to have spare time at weekend to only catch up with their longings. Not even one of them gave up on their dreams, until at the end of last year.
Seohae was tired from her 4th interview of the day and Chanyeol was furious of his own mistake at his last stage on the cafe which almost blew his chance of getting a settle job. Both of them were furious,tired, confuse, worried, of their own fate. They were angry at their self and selfish heart really wouldn’t lead to anything but frustration.

Seohae was disapointed at how Chanyeol ignored her that night. They supposed to meet at her place two hours ago yet Chanyeol didn’t even call her that day. She did call him but his phone was off and he was nowhere to be found. Almost an hour past midnight Chanyeol appeared in red face and tired eyes in front of her door. He was drunk, of course but he still could make his brain work functionally. “I’m tired,” he stayed at her front door, unwilling to go inside her room.
“So do I. Would you at least come in?” Seohae hugged herself, feeling cold.
“And I’m terribly sorry,” Chanyeol continued, ignoring Seohae’s offer.
She listened to him, confuse with where this conversation would go. She was bewildered at the facial expression of Chanyeol which showed a mix of furious, disappointment, and pathetic. It might be the best time to hug him but Seohae felt something was off that Chanyeol just made a big barrier between them just by saying random things with drunk and tired face. After all, Chanyeol never ignored her offer to come into her place.
“Seohae...Let’s break up...” There he was saying the most hurtful words Seohae ever heard. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay, then” two words that came out first from Seohae. She in fact didn’t know how to response. Dang, she didn’t even know how to breathe properly. All she knew was Chanyeol being such a jerk and Seohae was wrong to stay strong for their relationship for a year.
“Listen Chanyeol, I guess you’re right. We have to break up. Ya know, it’s not even worth it to stay at this relationship. We both have such a big ego in which we have wasted a year pretending to be okay with each other’s selfish act.” Blurting out her feelings, Seohae didn’t even feel any relieve. She felt enormously betrayed. She looked at Chanyeol’s guilty eyes. His eyes told anything but guilt feeling to her. Seohae didn’t look for any other answer either. She was fool enough to let herself tricked by Chanyeol. She was wrong for one year believing that he might endure his dream a little and let her walk with him at the same path. She was wrong to believe that Chanyeol might want to wait her to settle and ready to support his dreams. Seohae thought, if only Chanyeol wanted to wait a little longer and didn’t give up on her that quick. That time, Seohae had enough of Chanyeol’s ego, she snapped herself at the thought of wanting him back. Chanyeol had clearly stated that he wanted their relationship to end. Seohae too wanted to show him, he didn’t deserve her as well.

Days grew longer a month after their breakup. Getting used to have lonely weekends was easy enough because Seohae didn’t even have to try; it was indeed her usual even before their breakup. But getting used not calling him every night was hell of a miserable. Seohae missed Chanyeol’s presence before she went to bed. Heck, sometimes Seohae would sneaking from her part-time job to just visit her boyfriend’s recording studio even though Chanyeol could only make a little time while she was there. Having herself through one ultimate broken hearted day was hard but Seohae realized having herself missing Chanyeol was even harder to bear.
Nami, Baekhyun, Sehun, and his girlfriend, Sangmi were alternately accompanying Seohae at weekends. They somehow managed to know how great this break up has affected her. Months passed and Baekhyun still pretended that nothing big has happened in her life, but on a summer day Baekhyun had enough of childish act of Seohae.
“You really won’t come this time? Again?” He asked Seohae about coming to Minseok’s house party.
“I won’t. You know that everybody is invited and you know whom I don’t want to meet.”
“Okay, that’s it. I’m done. If you keep hiding from Chanyeol you would only make things awful. You said he was the one who dumped you. Then let he knows that he indeed doesn’t deserve you that you are fine without him. Come on! If you act this way, you don’t know how he is going right now. You have to know whether he is fine or not without you.” Baekhyun threw his thoughts on how pity Seohae would look if she kept herself out of her social circle. She needed to be man up for herself, to show Chanyeol that she was fine eventhough she wasn’t.
“What if Chanyeol wasn’t fine without me either? It would only make me want to go back with him.”
“If that happens, then you both have to reflect on your decisions. Was that fine for you both to be separated? If it wasn’t then fix it. Don’t trouble yourself with something you know the answer.”
Baekhyun was right and that day, Seohae made up her mind.
At that party, all Seohae could do was staring at Chanyeol. Everyone knew and everyone gave her the sympathic look. But she didn’t bother to think about them. She could only think about how well Chanyeol acted like he was utterly fine wihtout her. She didn’t even know if he was acting or he indeed was better without her while on the other hand, Seohae looked like a messy sh*t. That was the time she realised, Chanyeol never had the same feeling for her from the very first time.