They say that you don’t know how much feeling you hold for that special someone until they are gone.

He didn’t know how to react. He wanted for everything to just be a nightmare, but knew that it was a wish that wouldn’t come true. Besides, the numbness he felt was far too real to just brush of as dreaming. A headache was forming steadily along with the weighing stone in his stomach, his body growing heavier and heavier for each passing second. As the time goes, clock hanging on the wall telling him that he was too late, he feels the reality hit him and knock him off his feet.

What went wrong, he didn’t know.

But with every cell in his body, he felt what was already gone.

“Hello?”

Luhan had called but now that the other had answered he didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to put what happened into words. It’s really simple though, so why can’t he find the energy to just open his mouth?

“Luhan?”

He snapped out of the trance he seemed to have been pulled under and quickly shook his head, trying to come up with a way to explain the situation.

“Luhan, dude, my best friend, I love you but if you don’t have anything to say then I’m hanging-“

“Chanyeol, I need your help” he couldn’t come up with a smooth way to tell his friend what was going on over the phone. Because saying- ‘hey buddy, remember the person I told you about? The one who lives with me? Yeah well, he’s just gone missing’ doesn’t quite seem like a good way to approach the topic. At least not without some awkward sounds like ‘umm’ and a dragged out ‘okay’, until it suddenly clicks on the other line and he’s being cursed at. So he thought that waiting till the other got there to explain the turns of events would be for the better.

Luhan held it short and throughout the next thirty seconds he had hung up and dragged himself to the couch where he slumped down with a loud sigh. Now that he had sat himself down and stopped all actions, his thought came out and messed him up.

He was in panic. No doubt about that.

By the time Chanyeol had reached Luhan’s apartment the latter had at some point been able to get up to answer the door. He had lost some of his human looks and Chanyeol had to take a step back to look at the address number written beside the door to see if he was at the right place. Luhan rolled his eyes which had sunken in the few hours he had noticed the loss of another in his presence. And his stance was nothing of that confidence he normally carried.

Chanyeol didn’t question but just stirred Luhan in the direction of the couch by a tug on the latter’s elbow. As they sat down, Luhan tried to take in calming breathes to somewhat try and collect himself back together. They sat like that for a moment, wrapped in the silence, one dreading just what had made his friend lose his calm so much.

Luhan was exhausted, the only thing fueling his body being the determination evident in his eyes. He didn’t know for how long they had been searching by now, going from place to place as their hope of finding the missing person slowly diminished. Chanyeol had called his roommate, saying he needed his help and after some rough thinking Luhan had called Baekhyun too, realizing that he needed as many people as possible to accompany him in the search of Xiumin.

Sehun, Chanyeol’s roommate, had without further need of explanation gone straight to the places Luhan had written down on a list of possible whereabouts of Xiumin, almost forgetting that he didn’t actually know this person and his features. Baekhyun on the other hand wanted every detail since it was his first time ever hearing about this mysterious and missing Xiumin.

“What!?”

“Baekhyun, listen, I know it may seem a bit sudden-“ Luhan had by the time the two ‘helpers’ had joined them, gained somewhat of a clear head and a quick forced nap by Chanyeol had given him some humanity back to his face. But the hard part was coming up and Luhan was afraid he didn’t have patience for it.

“Sudden? You sure? Just a bit sudden? No, Luhan I am shocked” Baekhyun was known to be a bit on the diva side and right now Luhan could clearly see the pink furry monster come out, the problem was just he wasn’t in the mood to handle that side.

“First you start taking more free days than you have done in five years “Baekhyun made sure to emphasize the point that Luhan had always been a workaholic “ Then, you… you don’t contact us anymore and… and…” Baekhyun struggled with his point, his hands going in circles in front of his chest as if it would magically make the words come out. “Then suddenly, bam, you ask for my help to find that something which changed you into a guy that locks himself inside his house instead of his office” He honestly didn’t look that mad but Luhan didn’t notice anything beside the growing ache forming in his head.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before but I didn’t think that he was ready and-“Luhan tried, he really did, and he only barely managed to hold in the groan threatening to come out when Baekhyun raised his hand and interrupted him once again.

“Luhan just drop it, I don’t need to listen to it anymore” he sighed and Baekhyun’s shoulders slumped as if he was sad that his friend had gone insane.

“Baekhyun, please, I real-“ Luhan tried again but felt like there was nothing he could do and if he had to be honest he would rather just go out there and start searching rather than staying there asking for some help he’s properly not gonna get.

“Luhan. No” Baekhyun had raised a finger in the air as if he was scolding a dog instead of his best friend. Luhan on the other hand felt the last strings he had tied with his patience slowly stretching to the max. He in the end gave up and threw his hands up in the air as in surrender and hung his head a bit lower.

“Fine, I understand if you’re upset” Luhan sighed before slightly twisting his body in the direction of his taller buddy. “Chanyeol I want to head out as soon as possible” he got a serious nod in reply and started to head in the direction of the front door. He’d just grabbed his jacket which was draped over a chair, when he once again was stopped in his actions by the diva.

“Wait a second. Where are you going?” Luhan glanced over his shoulder to give a half view of his deadpanned expression.

“Out to find that missing Something” he retaliated Baekhyun’s own words against him and felt just the slightest satisfied when he saw Baekhyun roll his eyes at him.

“Didn’t you forget something?” Baekhyun folded his hands in front of his chest and leaned on his left foot, shooting one hip a little higher and looking every bit like the title he had been given.

“What?” Luhan raised an eyebrow at his friend and dropped the act of still having his patience. He just wanted to go out there and find Xiumin. Not staying there pointlessly and wasting precious time.

“Me” Baekhyun looked dead serious and Luhan almost asked him why he sported that expression until that one word in reply registered in his head.

“Wha- “

“I just said I didn't need to listen to it anymore, I didn't say anything about not wanting to help you” Baekhyun lowered his arms and his sudden stance made him seem so mild and understanding. He gave Luhan a soft smile and all traces of the normally unserious type of a guy he calls his best friend disappeared in the moment. Luhan was stunned since it’s so rare for Baekhyun to show his serious side like that outside of work hours. His friend is that kind of person who lives his life like there is no tomorrow. He messes in other’s business and makes it his own. He is extremely stubborn and doesn’t go well with being sympathetic. To cut it short he is a person that tells others to quit the act and get their together before he jumps right into their problems.

“Baekhyun, I- “

“Don't start crying on me, come on we shouldn't waste any more time. I want to meet that person who changed- well - you... into some kind of crying mess who lost his first love.”

And Baekhyun is back.

They had decided to split up to make the best of the time they had, but so far no luck seemed to shine on their side. Baekhyun had offered to search the south part of the city, Sehun the north, Chanyeol the west and Luhan took the east side. They had each a lap of paper in their pocket indicating where the most obvious locations of Xiumin could be. On purpose Luhan had picked out the side of the city that held most memories in store of their time together. But this foreboding thought that he was gonna regret returning to the various places swiftly brushed his mind. He didn’t know how his reaction would turn out, but since the panic and determination mostly kept him in check, he felt safe from crying out in the middle of dozens of people.

 As he had speculated, when he set foot inside the park where they had been the first time Luhan dragged Xiumin out the house, he felt this kind of cocoon of memories being pressed on him from all sides. It felt like eternities ago, but in reality only a few days had gone by since then. Luhan walked down the path they had occupied step by step together. Xiumin had been a little behind him at that time, still not used to just walk around with the confidence of a normal everyday guy. Luhan gritted his teeth when he more than once caught himself in the habit of glancing back, a habit that had come naturally to see if Xiumin was keeping up. But of course now was different, the reason for his habit was not there anymore.

He skimmed the place quickly as he walked. He didn’t know for how long he could go on with the disappointment with every swipe of his gaze over the park that didn’t include finding Xiumin. If he had to be honest then he really just wanted to fall down on his knees and scream up to the sky, scream about how unfair he thought it all was. He of course knew that the smaller didn’t get kidnapped or forced to leave his home. At first he had searched his whole apartment, but didn’t find any evidence that another person had sneaked in and snatched Xiumin away. Luhan knew that for some reason the other had left on his own account. He was only desperate to understand why.

Why had Xiumin just left without even uttering anything?

Had he just taken advantage of Luhan?

He shook his head violently from side to side. How could he think like that? Xiumin may not have told him so openly how he felt but he knew for sure that Xiumin held him dear just as much as Luhan did with him.

Or so he hoped.

He continued walking, willing himself to not think too much and just go on with the search. He had been to that park a million times before Xiumin came into the picture but now that he had experienced the place with another person like that, it just seemed like it suddenly wasn’t just a park where you jog or take your dog out for a bit of fresh air. It seemed like so much more.

He looked up into the sky to see the sun going down in a steady line, painting its surroundings in orange, pink and yellow. The soft glow like a serene calm blanket wrapped around Luhan. He felt surge of determination run through him once again and he tensed his muscled, preparing himself to investigate harder. He spun around in another direction to go search some more when something caught his eye.

Brown hair.

Luhan by instinct froze on the spot and it was like everything happened in slow motion. He didn’t think but acted quickly, ignoring his brain that was telling him to stop.

Small frame.

He ran on to the bench that held the memories of a crying Xiumin in his lap. That precious someone that he just lost.

Calm aura.

The hope in his chest swelled and he would have shouted out if it wasn’t for his clumsy stumble over a rock that changed the sounds in his throat to a painful whine. He cursed his throbbing toe but brushed it aside, already on his way over to the bench once more.

But he stopped in his tracks.

Numbness took over his body and all feeling momentarily stilled simultaneously with the sounds tuned out from his ears, Luhan didn’t even notice the few tears that left his unblinking eyes. The scene in front of him blurred but he still just kept on staring at the short haired woman cooing at her child showing her whatever he held in his tiny hands. It felt like he had just been punched in the stomach and he hunched over as if losing all strength at once. He wanted to look away, to stop all the feelings that kept on swirling inside him. So many uncontrolled emotions flashed through him and he couldn’t grab out and analyze any of them. He just wished that he would wake up from this horrible nightmare, let himself escape from the scene his eyes were glued to. Because the more Luhan looked the more he could see that despite her hair being short it still reached her shoulders.

Not like Xiumin’s that had the natural boy cut hair.

He also noticed the clothes that at first glance could look a bit boyish, but definitely from the girl’s section.

Not like Xiumin’s clothes.

Things I wanted to say, I never did.

I'll try to leave everything behind. Like I left my family, I’ll now leave the man I had started to consider my new hope.

I'm going to disappear like I have never waddled into his life. I hope that this is for the better, that I have finally found the thing that I can do for him in retaliation.

Even if that thing is for me to get out of his life.